Just found out my ex husband was cheating on me

lynsalot

Hey guys,
Here we go again. Feels like my entire story is on boards but I find the advice invaluable. I got separated 6 months ago from my ex husband but we had broken up about 3/4 months prior to that and he remained to live with me (both own the property) apparently because he would lose rights if he moved out.

Anyway my mother always maintained for the last yr at least he was cheating. I dismissed it. Everyone thought he was the bee's knees. In public he was very helpful friendly and sociable but behind closed doors it was a different story.
In the last year of our marriage he was never around, constantly away from home. I found websites he was using for dating, meeting women, escorts etc. I thought it was more curiosity and even though I confronted him he dismissed it. I suffer with depression and was untreated at the time. I thought it was me who was driving him away. I saw a doctor. I didn't tell the doctor any of that stuff about my marriage but I've been on anti depressants since. They've completely changed my outlook on life. One they kicked in I started to stand up for myself. I wouldn't allow him to twist things anymore and believe it was fault. Things were bad... we even fought on our wedding night.

Anyway fast forward to now and I've just found out that he was cheating on me. Basically found receipts from meals for 2 people (knew from the amount of food and price) for sat and fri evenings in Dundrum. I've never been there with him. And... they're weekends when he was meant to be away. It didn't really bother me at first. I just thought I'm well out of it. But... then I discovered he's seeing someone he knew years before me and things aren't adding up....

He always deleted the msgs on his phone, I found a woman's belt in my spare room shortly after we were married which wasn't mine, the time he spent away at home is where she's from, he'd often shut down his laptop when I entered the room and said he was just chatting to someone he went to college with (her) and now it seems he was seeing her for most of our marriage. I feel gutted. I can't believe I was such a fool. I had suspicions but instead of having a pair of balls about it, I went and got tablets to make myself better because, you know, there's no way HE would do that... and everyone thought he was great. In fact when we broke up my sis in law asked if I'd cheated coz she couldn't imagine him leaving me. He was always besotted with me.

Now... the thing that gets me the most is, I had a similar experience with my birth mother. I was adopted and I met her when I was 18. We were in touch for 4 years and seemingly for no reason she cut all contact. It was so so hard. In fact my ex knows only too well the hurt I went through trying to deal with it. It consumed me for years. And it seems the same thing has just happened with him. I can handle his feelings changing, thats not the problem but to cheat and twist things so much it just left me empty.

And this might sound mad but I'm seeing someone new. Since pretty much immediately after the break up. Well not straight away but close enough. My ex relationship was so stale and aggro I needed some excitement so started dating and having fun and we've fallen for each other. He treats me like a queen. He honestly is a great guy and I do love him. He also understands that I need time to myself and space and especially this weekend with discoverin all this stuff.

I suppose the problem I have is my new bf is very affectionate and quite full on. He loves cuddling me and kissing and I didn't get that in the past relationship so it's a bit much for me. He knows i'm not naturally affectionate and gives me space but I do wish I had sorted my head out first before getting into something new. But what am I to do? I really wish I didn't have this baggage weighing me down. I just feel like I don't know who I can trust and I don't know when I'm be able to trust again. Like I keep getting hurt and walked all over. I don't want to share my entire life with someone anymore. I enjoy time with my boyfriend but I'm not sure when I'd be ready to really move towards the next step. Am I mad to even be thinking this way? I just cannot believe my ex was such a nasty piece of work... how are you supposed to learn to trust ppl again.

AARRRGH

Your ex is in the past so you really have to try to move on with your life.

It does sound like you're not ready for a relationship though. Probably best to spend another 6 - 12 months as a singleton.

Nevyn

If he cheated on you, then I would suggest getting tested for STIs.

greenprincess

Your broken up but its still a kick in the face to find out he was cheating on you!! Maybe take a few months to yourself for a while.

Taltos

Hi OP

I think I prev said I was happy you had found someone so fast. But - from the content above I am worried - as you said "all this baggage".
You need to be really careful here that you don't force your new partner away. Regardless of how full on he is - there is only so much baggage one guy can take before they twig that you are still not over your ex.

And that is the crux here, isn't it. Why else would you be so angry. Annoyed yes - you and your current partner now have to fork out for STI tests - but angry - it's well past time you let go on all that has happened to you. Tough I know - because all this crappy stuff defines you in your head. It doesn't though - it is limiting you from having a happy and fulfilling life.

At a min - get that test - also maybe talk to someone who is qualified in helping you let go of the things you had no control over. Look carefully at why you are with your current partner - does he make you feel alive inside or is it something less - if less then let him go - he clearly sounds great and deserves to find happiness. If you are unsure - well tell him. Who knows - either way though - he should know if you are wasting his time.

Best of luck and I do hope you learn to move on from the bad stuff. Try to look forward if you can - so what if your ex cheated - we all knew he was a sh1t. You are out of that relationship now and should be getting on with your own life.

lynsalot

Hi guys,
Thanks taltos. I'm not as angry as I was on friday when I literally just found out. It seems less important to me. But this weekend it was just on my mind all the time. I suppose it's because I'm a bit hard on myself. Like I see the situation with my birth mother as a similar experience and how I can let people do this to me. Personally I don't care who my ex is with... it's the fact that I let him manipulate me into thinking he wasn't cheating and I should've trusted my instincts. I was/ am annoyed that I couldn't trust myself and have to strength to leave sooner.

My boyfriend was staying with me for a few days because he couldn't be at home for his own reasons. But it was clear that i needed space so he left early yesterday. He understands the entire situation and has even read this post and is very supportive. He was cheated on also.

We have a lot of fun. Some weekends when I see him I feel so loved up its like a drug. Other weekends I'm not loved up at all and kinda feel like I'm too busy for the romance if that makes sense. I was never like that before but I think it's because my ex wasn't affectionate and I craved it from him. I suggested a break to my bf before but I missed him so much. I don't want us to break up, we're good together. It's just in the last relationship I was literally swept off my feet without worry or stress and stupidly got engaged within 3 months lol. Now there's a lot more going on but its definitely stress free when we're together. It just flows. We get along very well and have the same sense of humour. I guess we just need to take it slowly.

I've decided to go to a counsellor and offload this stuff anyway because its a fair point that I can't lean on my new guy it's not fair. Support is great but he's not going to "fix" it all. So definitely doing that. When things happen the first thing I do is get upset and cry. Crying over now it's not as bad but i did get an awful fright on friday when I found out. I do think thought that ANY new relationship would resurface these fears and there's always going to be a certain amount of faith needed to fall in love again.

I told my housemate the news over the weekend and spoke to her about my new boyfriend and she said she would be upset too and its natural (She was in a similar situation to me) but that we are very good together and always appear so happy when we're together. That really made me feel better. Coz we do get along very well.

I think I just need to let go of these issues. It's not that i'm not "over" my ex. I don't want him back or my lifestyle with him whatsoever. I do however want to move on without becoming bitter. And this seemed to be the knife twisting. I've dealt with being separated. I've become a stronger person. I realise its not the be all and end all. I've never however been cheated on and it changes the dynamic altogether. It makes u more suspicious. I needed to process it. And I hope with some counselling I can offload my fears and talk it out and hopefully resolve some of it in my mind.

LegacyUser

lynsalot wrote: »

I think I just need to let go of these issues. It's not that i'm not "over" my ex. I don't want him back or my lifestyle with him whatsoever. I do however want to move on without becoming bitter. And this seemed to be the knife twisting. I've dealt with being separated. I've become a stronger person. I realise its not the be all and end all. I've never however been cheated on and it changes the dynamic altogether. It makes u more suspicious. I needed to process it. And I hope with some counselling I can offload my fears and talk it out and hopefully resolve some of it in my mind.

You're doing well so far, you're facing up to the issue. It'll take time to work through, but you can do it. You've already shown great strength by getting through the separation. You know in your heart and soul that if you feel bitter about what your ex did, the only person it'll affect is you.

Your current partner sounds lovely, and it's great that the two of you have been able to talk about all this. I always feel being able to talk about something is half the battle.

I really wish you all the best in getting through this.

lynsalot

Hey Sunflower,
A saga eh? lol
Yeah i've told him and we talk about it when it comes up. He knows what I need and in 7 months he's only kinda got a little miffed once over it which is fair enough. He has his own issues going on so he's said he was a bit more clingy than normal. He's working on removing himself from that situation so things should improve for him. On Friday we spoke about it and he was telling me look at all thats changed for the positive... i have redecorated my apartment, bought new furniture, changed my hair colour, lost some weight, starting a course in a few months and pimped out my balcony lol not to mention meeting a new bf So things are definitely on the up. I just need to focus on the positive.

Thanks so much for your advice guys - really appreciate it