I Couldn't Help Her :(

LegacyUser

Hey, I'm an avid poster on boards but I needed to go unreg'd for this one.

To cut a long story short, my best friend (I'm a guy, she a girl) was sexually assaulted on a night out she had recently. We live on opposite sides of the country but we make every effort we can to see eachother every week or second week. Talk constantly on the phone, text eachother... But she just recently told me that a few nights ago she was sexually assaulted by a guy she couldn't even describe while she was trying to stay with one of her friends who was catatonic who ended up with a lot of sleazy guys.

She text me at 3 in the morning asking for my help, saying it was the worst night of her life. I told her to tell me what was wrong but she never replied. She told me a few days later she never called me because I told her not to (I told her earlier in the day not to call me up for a drunken conversation because I hate it when people do that) and I just feel so ****ing weak and powerless. I couldn't do a single ****ing thing, and now every time I close my eyes I see that guy touching her, hear her calling out for my help and see myself just being ****ing oblivious to it the whole time.

You're supposed to protect the ones who matter to you most. What ****ing use am I to anyone if I can't protect the one person in my life that matters to me most?

LegacyUser

so because you mentioned that you don't like drunken phone calls then this person didn't call you when she'd been sexually assaulted. that really makes no sense whatsoever. why did she text you and then not ring? If this had happened to anyone I know, I think they'd still pick up the phone and ring, and not just say they didn't because they had been asked not to make a drunken phone call....

billybigunz

What business is it of yours? You're not her partner, just a friend. You have no duty if care beyond that. Why would you dream about the act of sexual assault?

The Big Red Button

I'm really sorry to hear about what happened, but from the sounds of it there is absolutely nothing that you could have done to help her on the night in question. It's completely pointless to try to assume the blame for something that you couldn't possibly have had any control over.

However, there's plenty that you can do for her now, like just talking it through with her; listening to her; encouraging her to maybe see a doctor or to contact a support group. If she hasn't reported the incident to the Gardaí yet, it would be a good idea to encourage her to do so.

By the sounds of it, she may have been trying to push some blame onto you (by saying that she didn't call you because you'd asked her not to) ... the thing is, she's probably feeling pretty mad at herself for ending up in that situation - a lot of victims tend to feel guilty, and to be angry at themselves - even when what happened was not their fault. Just be aware of that when you're talking to her. Logically there is nothing that you could have done, and you pretending otherwise is not going to do her any good.

Firetrap

Don't beat yourself up about this. You were perfectly within your rights to say you didn't want drunken phone calls in the middle of the night. Who does? Nobody in their right mind would ever think for a second that that means emergency phone calls like that one would be unwelcome. Is there anything much you could have done at the time anyway? I doubt you would have saved your friend from the assault

There's no point in looking back and feeling bad about what could/should have happened. I think it's more important now that you are a friend to this girl as she gets over what happened. Be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to etc.

Faith

What could you have possibly done to help her? You're at a different side of the country. Even if she'd phoned, what could you do? Drive to her? You couldn't have stopped the assault taking place.

You told her not to ring for a drunken chat. Ringing for help is completely different. If she'd really wanted to, she would have called you no matter what you said. But she didn't. Like chatterpillar said, she may be misdirecting her anger at you.

Right now, you need to get over yourself and concentrate on being there for her. Focusing on how you didn't help isn't doing anyone any good. You weren't in a position to help, you need to move on from that. All you can do now is be there for her if she wants to talk.

Just another thing to note is your pain doesn't matter to her right now. She doesn't want to hear about how useless you feel right now. If you're speaking to her, don't make it all about you. It's all about her. I'm not saying you would, but remember that what you're feeling is nothing compared to what she's feeling. When my ex dumped me, my mum used burst into tears when she saw me crying and say "It hurts me so much to see my daughter hurting". I could have punched her. I know she only meant well, but I was the one going through horrific pain and I didn't want to hear about hers.

It wasn't your job to protect her. Maybe it she was your girlfriend it would be, but not a friend at the other side of the country. Your job now is to be her friend, her shoulder to cry on, her person to talk to whenever she needs. Concentrate on making her feel better, and that'll eventually make you feel better too.

jenny4385

billybigunz wrote: »

What business is it of yours? You're not her partner, just a friend. You have no duty if care beyond that. Why would you dream about the act of sexual assault?

what help is this to the OP?
he obviously cares really deeply for his friend.. when you talk to someone that much / spend a lot of time together a connection grows... so of course he s going to feel awful

OP all i can say is... please do not beat yourself up over this.. there is some true scum out there and very bad things happen to good people.. your friend was just in the wrong place at the wrong time...
how is she doing?

LegacyUser

Thank you for your kind words everyone. No, she's not my girlfriend but she's in love with me, and while I don't quite love her back (it's growing, she fell for me fairly quickly) I do feel a lot for her, so obviously the images of another guy doing this forcefully to her really makes my blood boil, especially since I couldn't do a thing to stop it.

krudler

billybigunz wrote: »

What business is it of yours? You're not her partner, just a friend. You have no duty if care beyond that. Why would you dream about the act of sexual assault?

I can guarantee you any decent person would be fuming at the thought of a female friend being assaulted in any way, girlfriend or not, what an utterly stupid post.

Zaph

billybigunz wrote: »

What business is it of yours? You're not her partner, just a friend. You have no duty if care beyond that. Why would you dream about the act of sexual assault?

It's quite clear from the OP's post that he cares a great deal about this girl, regardless of his relationship with her. A little bit of compassion wouldn't go amiss here or, as my mother always says, if you can't say something nice say nothing at all.

LegacyUser

OP a girl loves you but your not sure if she feels the same way. You told her not to ring when drunk because of this she didnt ring you when she got sexually assaulted. now if someone was in an emergency situation like that they arent going think you mind calling for help. Also what good could you have done on the other side of the country?

OP i hate to say it(and i might get slagged) but her story doesnt sound 100% truthful. I think she is trying to make feeel bad or take pity on her or something

Handsome Bob

Faith wrote: »

Right now, you need to get over yourself and concentrate on being there for her. Focusing on how you didn't help isn't doing anyone any good. You weren't in a position to help, you need to move on from that. All you can do now is be there for her if she wants to talk.

Spot on here OP, I think you know yourself that there was jack all you could have done. Don't indulge yourself in some misplaced sense of guilt. At the end of the day this isn't about you, it's about your friend. So give yourself a break and just be there for her if she needs you.

katie99

Sexual assault is a serious allegation. Did your friend reported it tothe Gardai? If not, why didn't she? Where did the alleged sexual assault take place? Was it in a night club or in the street? Many places now have CCTV cameras. So the alleged assailant might be visible on one of those cameras. Where were her other friends? How did she get home? On what part of her body did the sexual assault take place?

I ask those probing questions because her story seems to be that she was sexually assaulted without providing the relevant details.

I am amazed she hasn't reported the incident to the gardai. That's the first thing you do.

Might just be that she was fooling around with a guy and it got 'heavy' and now she feels guilty because according to yourself she is in love with you.

You need to proble more.

LegacyUser

doubter? wrote: »

OP a girl loves you but your not sure if she feels the same way. You told her not to ring when drunk because of this she didnt ring you when she got sexually assaulted. now if someone was in an emergency situation like that they arent going think you mind calling for help. Also what good could you have done on the other side of the country?

OP i hate to say it(and i might get slagged) but her story doesnt sound 100% truthful. I think she is trying to make feeel bad or take pity on her or something

Doesn't sound 100% to me either. The revealing thing about this is her feeling for the OP- and his lack of response to her being in love with him. Could very well be a set up to get his attention - and hey, she sure did that. He is now having dreams of her in a sexual situation. Nuff said IMO.

LegacyUser

Okay guys, I know a lot of you are doubting this but it definitely wasn't a cry for attention. She knows she fell for me quickly and she doesn't expect me to reciprocate the feelings immediately, I just told her that I need to do it in my own time and saying 'I love you too' for the sake of saying it back definitely isn't something I want to end up doing. She wants it to be just as real as I do.

She hasn't reported it to the Gardai because she didn't get a good look at the guy who was doing it to her. I suppose I should have disclosed more information about it in the first place.

The whole reason she ended up in this situation is because she wanted to stay with her friend who was acting the complete twat by being totally catatonic and running off with sleazy guys while my friend tried to prevent her from doing it. The guy who assaulted her had a good hold on her since he was physically stronger and she had a bit of drink on board too. It also doesn't help that my friend was covered in cuts and bruises from when her idiotic friend was hitting and kicking her trying as she was simply trying to help. There were hundreds of people at the event where she was at. She managed to get away from him because other people came by and thought what he was doing was odd, so he released her from her grip.

This isn't an attention seeking thing guys, so I'd ask you to put that theory to bed. She wasn't getting hot or heavy with anybody that night because she has enough going on her life along with how we feel towards one another, which is all just a big ball of complication, as you could have probably guessed from the fact that we're just friends but still have so many feelings for one another.

iguana

katie99 wrote: »

I am amazed she hasn't reported the incident to the gardai. That's the first thing you do.

Where exactly did you get that from? Most victims of sexual assault never report it. IIRC, even of those who seek help from places like rape crisis centres only about a third make a complaint to the Gardaí.

Weak and Powerless

Weak and Powerless wrote: »

She text me at 3 in the morning asking for my help, saying it was the worst night of her life. I told her to tell me what was wrong but she never replied. She told me a few days later she never called me because I told her not to (I told her earlier in the day not to call me up for a drunken conversation because I hate it when people do that)

Jesus.. You couldn't write this stuff. A message asking for help and then no reply to yours is infinitely worse than a drunken conversation.

I call shenanigans.. Ask her friend if anything happened that night.

LC2010HIS

Id wait to look her in the eye and then ask
Then you'll know if shes being honest at least.

On one hand, If it is true, she might of been in shock. And didnt report it because shes in shock and hurt. She might not of rang you because - what would you do? When she left you hanging - she probably reliesed that your not there in crisis (due to distance- your evidently supportive here)
Then on the other, she might be waiting for you to notice somethings up. And playing on you compassion.
Which raises the attention issue...
I know girls who'd do ANYTHING, say ANYTHING - to get the guy to notice her.


I would defo face her and see if shes being honest anyway. And if she lied, cut her loose because no one needs that IMO. It shouts problems and trouble...
If its true, be there for her, without a doubt.

But defo face her and find out ..
Sorry for your worries OP

Ave Sodalis

Ah guys, why on earth would she make that up? To get his attention? That's a bit extreme. If the OP knew her as a friend, he would know what type of person she is, therefore, if he says she isn't making it up, I believe him.

She could have only text and left him hanging because, maybe, she was upset. Prehaps even crying. I know that if I was in tears, I'd rather text someone than ring, so you don't have to actually talk. She may have left him hanging because she was embarrassed. It was very brave of her to tell him anything in the first place.

OP, I know this is hard, but don't beat yourself up. There was NOTHING you could have done through a phone call, as has been said several times. The only thing you can do now is be there for her and help her through it.