A confusing friend

LegacyUser

Howdy all, I'm at my wit's end and I'd really like some independent advice on the following matter. I'm a gay guy in my early twenties. I've recently befriended one of the most perplexing men I've ever encountered. He's ostensibly straight, but spent most of the time where we got to know each other flirting with me, sometimes with physical flirtation like hand-holding and what not. Anyway, I've pretty much fallen completely in love with this guy and I know it's an untenable situation. If he is straight, maybe he just has weird personal boundary issues that he needs to sort out. He's told me that he loves me, but I suspect it's in the friendship sense of the word. I know that the best thing to do, for my own mental health, would be to stop seeing him and to just move on with my life. Over the duration of our friendship, however, I've come to know him quite well and that he doesn't make friends easily, or has been betrayed quite a lot in the past by them. I don't want to hurt him, but whenever we do spend time together, it's agonising wondering what he really thinks of me.

I suppose I could just ask him outright what his deal is, but I think if he thinks that the only reasons I spend time with him is because I have feelings for him (I hang out with him for many other reasons too), then he'll feel hurt and betrayed again. Or just plain weirded out. Who knows.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Victor

Does he know you are gay?

LegacyUser

He does indeed.

tristanc

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tenchi-fan

tristanc wrote: »

Try to kiss him. If you want, you can start by saying something like "Sorry, this is a bit weird, but I'm suddenly overcome with the desire to kiss you."

That's a daft suggestion. If the guy is straight it would ruin the friendship.

cafecolour

It sounds like he likes intense personal relationships, and enjoys talking to someone he can emotionally pour his heart out to so to speak.

Has he given you any signals he is interested in a physical relationship with you? Hand holding is pretty mild, and I'm not sure what you classify as flirting.

Physically has he done things like stroke your hair/face, or rest his hand on your thigh? These are generally indicators beyond what someone who was merely physically comfortable with you would do. Versus things like draping an arm around you, leaning into you/laying against you, etc. - which can simply be indicators of comfortableness/lesser physical boundaries/drunkeness.

Verbally, would he make specific sexual innuendo about the two of you, or give you specific complements on your body/attractiveness? Generally statements or comparisons don't count (ie "I wish I was as fit as you", "It's too bad you're a girl, i'd ride you all night." etc.)

All and all though, you can analyze it to the end, but if he is straight and not interested in you romantically, you're going to have to extract yourself to some degree for your own sanity - being friends with someone who you have a non-reciprocated interest in is a headwreck. And the best way to do that - even though it may make things honest - is to simply tell him the truth - that you are developing romantic feelings for him, and though you hate to do it, it might be better to create some distance for a while.

seenitall

I can't pretend to know much about gay relationships, but sounds to me like, whatever his sexuality, this guy is a p...k-tease. I mean, holding hands with an adult "friend"? Telling them he loves them? I smell some emotional dishonesty here.

OP, if I were you, I would probably do one of these two things (depending how much in love you are and how prepared you would be for the consequences):

1. refuse to play his game any longer: no more holding hands, no more lovey-dovey "friendly" chats. Teach him the meaning of boundaries and you will start feeling much better about this friendship.
2. Test this love of his for you. Bring the issue out in the open, tell him how he has been messing with your head and that it is not fair. Let's see what's what here. He has NOTHING to feel betrayed about if you tell him what effect his weird behaviour has had on you, you are the one who is being head-wrecked here, not him. REMEMBER THAT.

I know that when you are in love in someone, it is difficult to see the forest for the trees, but even granted that the guy has some deep personal issues, it is still not fair on you. You are being played. Refuse to facilitate it any longer.

Good luck.