What to do?

ilovecats

Hi everyone,

I'm in a bad old state at the moment. Myself and my girlfriend broke up two days ago after 5 years. I did it, she doesn't want to but it has to happen. Trouble is i'm in a bad way now. I can't sleep, I don't want to do anything. I really want a girlfriend and to start thinking about settling down with marriage and kids but it just couldn't be her. I would really like to stay with her but i've realised we don't have as much in common as I used to think and that she will never truly trust me because of something I did 4 years ago.

So now I'm sitting here alone. Dont want to speak to anybody, dont want to tell anybody, especially not my friends and family who love her. I'm at square one and I dont want to be here. I almost think I should just forget the little things that make our relationship not perfect but I think I'd end up hating her and myself and would really just be wasting time.

So regular problems I suppose, just a first for me. Never had a break up of this magnitude before. What's making it worse is I have exams this coming week and I haven't studied a bit and I can't bring myself to study so am pretty sure I'm going to fail them. I just want to cry, quit my masters and leave the country.

I cant do that of course. I guess I just need to be pepped up. Anybody got some advice?

ilovecats

ilovecats wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I'm in a bad old state at the moment. Myself and my girlfriend broke up two days ago after 5 years. I did it, she doesn't want to but it has to happen. Trouble is i'm in a bad way now. I can't sleep, I don't want to do anything. I really want a girlfriend and to start thinking about settling down with marriage and kids but it just couldn't be her. I would really like to stay with her but i've realised we don't have as much in common as I used to think and that she will never truly trust me because of something I did 4 years ago.

The break up was only two days ago, so after five years no wonder you're a mess. This is perfectly normal.

ilovecats wrote:

So now I'm sitting here alone. Dont want to speak to anybody, dont want to tell anybody, especially not my friends and family who love her. I'm at square one and I dont want to be here. I almost think I should just forget the little things that make our relationship not perfect but I think I'd end up hating her and myself and would really just be wasting time.

Don't go back to her. The mechanism of love is very similar to that of addiction. You will be tempted to go back to her, even if only to end the emotional pain, and your mind will unconsciously but willingly make you forget the reasons why you broke up with her in the first place.

I think you should write down the reasons and keep them on you so you can remind yourself.

Nonetheless, logic will not really make you feel better, because - like I said - you are essentially suffering from acute withdrawal from a long-term addiction. This will gradually get better over time.

ilovecats wrote:

So regular problems I suppose, just a first for me. Never had a break up of this magnitude before. What's making it worse is I have exams this coming week and I haven't studied a bit and I can't bring myself to study so am pretty sure I'm going to fail them. I just want to cry, quit my masters and leave the country.

I cant do that of course. I guess I just need to be pepped up. Anybody got some advice?

Let the college know that you've suffered what is essentially a significant loss in your family, so that you may defer the exams. You may need to get a doctor or psychologist to verify your claim.

Studying might help to take your mind off it for a while, although this only works for some people.

You should also tell your family what has happened, if you trust them. Talking about it will allow them to offer support.

ilovecats

Wow, Thanks. That's a really good reply. Just what I needed to hear. I'm studying now. Found myself a nice empty house for a few days. Gonna hit the books hard. Meeting some friends later tonight and will let them know and will tell the family following the exams.

I really mean it, thanks very much. I never expected a response to my post to actually help things sink in like this. It'll be a rollercoaster ride I'm sure but this has really helped for now.

rantyface

Focus on your exams for now. You won't fail if you do one week of half assed study when you've been working on the subject all year.

Faith

I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time. A break up from a person you love is arguably one of the most difficult things we go through in life. You feel so useless, so helpless. It's so tempting to think that you can just undo it and go back into the relationship. But unfortunately you can't. Break ups happen for a real reason, and I doubt anyone does it lightly. You must have put a lot of thought into it, and had real reasons for doing it.

The best advice I can give you, from someone who's 8 weeks into a break up, is to tell people. It hurts like hell choking the words out, but the support of friends and family is invaluable. If you want to talk about it, you need someone to listen to you. If you want to be distracted, they'll be great for that. But most of all, if you want to cry, then cry! Imagine it like physically draining the pain - obviously it's an extremely slow process, but letting out as much as you can in the first few weeks will be invaluable to later recovery.

I'm in the middle of exams myself. I was afraid I'd fail because I missed weeks of studying time crying over my break up. But they've actually gone pretty well so far, so don't worry too much about yours. If you can, then study. I found it to be a good distractor - at least, for small chunks of time.

Unfortunately, time is the best healer - and time goes slowly! I thought I was going to marry my ex, and I didn't know how I'd survive the break up. But 8 weeks on and I'm stronger than I thought I could be. I still think about him a lot, but I don't really miss him much any more, and I don't want him back. I can see that the break up was for the best. If it would help, write down everything you're feeling. Write her a letter and pour your heart out, then rip it up or burn it. Write down everything that was wrong with the relationship, and your reasons for breaking up with her. I kept a blog, and found it really helpful. And also post here, people are always willing to help.