Christening dilema

LegacyUser

A good friend of mine has just updated her facebook status to announce the date of her baby's christening.

I would have said we were good friends, but we do live quite far away from each other now so for the past few years we have kept in touch, had regular chats on the phone and every now and then I drive across the country to see her.

I have had a lot of personal problems this year, and since she got pregnant she has had no interest in anything except the baby. After the baby was born, I travelled to see her and give her a fairly generous present for the baby. I was pretty hurt when I left, as she hadnt asked how I was or what had been going on with me once. I know the baby is her main concern right now, but surely she could have at least asked how I was?

So is this my invitation to the christening? I am pretty pissed off to be honest - I can't see why she can't ring me to invite me. Is this really selfish of me to expect a personal invitation? I feel like waiting for her to invite me properly.... but if she doesnt should I plan to go or not?

newtoboards

Obviously her primary concern is the baby and she's consumed with it now. I'm assuming tha because the baby is going to be christened they are still counting the age of the baby in weeks and not even months yet. She's going to be consumed with the baby right now. The baby depends on her for it's very existence.

I can understand how hurt you feel that you are not her number 1 priority and I feel for you that you've had a difficult time of it over the last year but do you have any other friends you can turn to so that you don't end up dumping on her as she seems to have her hands pretty full at the moment.

No her facebook status update unless directed at you alone is not an invite to the christening. Christenings are not like weddings or birthday partys, they are normally just for the family. I've only ever attended the Christening of babies in my immediate family or of a baby that I've stood for.

I do think it's pretty selfish to expect an invitation to anything involving friends to be honest. The basis of friendship is to give without the expectation of getting anything back and you seem to to be in this friendship for everything that you can get out of it instead of walking a mile in your friends shoes.

Just leave it and in time she'll be back to her old self and the friendship may recover.

LegacyUser

newtoboards wrote: »

...don't end up dumping on her....

...you seem to to be in this friendship for everything that you can get out of it...

The baby is almost 3 months old, and the baby depends on its mother and father for its needs, yes.

I have no intention of 'dumping on her'. Is too much to expect a close friend to ask how you are? My partner has been seriously ill for the last year, is currently going through treatment... and she doesnt know as all the times I have spoke to her for the last year I never got asked how I was or how we were.

Every christening I have been at there have been friends as well as family. I wouldn't have thought it was odd to invite friends to a christening.

And as for the fact that I seem to 'be in the friendship for everything that I can get out of it' - We were good friends for a very long time and, even if she doesnt invite me to the christening, there is no way she would ever regard me as someone who is friends with her for 'everything I can get out of it'.

I have always been there for her, just for the last year my being there hasnt mattered to her. I guess friends do change and move on.

LegacyUser

I have never 'dumped' on my friend and find that very hurtful. I don't think that being pregnant or having a baby stops you from asking how other people are, especially when they make the effort of an eight hour round trip to go and see you.

The facebook thing looked like a general invite, along the lines of 'its there, at this time, looking forward to it', and plenty of christenings I have been too have had friends there.

I have also never taken this friend for granted, I have always been there for her. It is unreasonable of you to suggest that I sound like I am friends with her for 'everything I can get out of it.'

The baby is 3 months old.... I would assume that my friend has some time, you know, a couple of minutes here or there, to at least call an old friend to see how things are. I have called her a few times, and she was always well able to have a long chat about the baby, and how she is, but never once asked how I was.

My partner has been seriously ill for a year, prolonged hospital stays, and she doesnt know because every time I have spoken to her the conversation never seemed to allow me to get a word in edgeways and tell her.

Victor

New mothers are sleep deprived and hormonal.

I'm wondering, in your chats, do you bring up your issues? Strike a balance - a bit of your topics and a bit of hers.

For the Christening, perhaps phone her and ask is it a family affair or is everyone invited.

Cheap Thrills!

OP, please don't take it personally.

People just cannot maintain the level of special attention they once gave to friends once a babby comes along. It's in no way personal.

I find for the first year just be there for them, they always come around once they can get some semblance of normality back.

She may have struggled all day just to get that FB message up....go along to the Christening. She is probably doing her best and would be morto if she knew you were hurt.

newtoboards

christeningdilema wrote: »

...and every now and then I drive across the country to see her... After the baby was born, I travelled to see her and give her a fairly generous present for the baby. I was pretty hurt when I left, as she hadnt asked how I was or what had been going on with me once. I know the baby is her main concern right now, but surely she could have at least asked how I was? to the christening?.... Is this really selfish of me to expect a personal invitation? I feel like waiting for her to invite me properly.... but if she doesnt should I plan to go or not?

This is all about you. I travelled, I gave an expensive present and she didn't talk to me. I want an invite to the christening. This to me shows it's all about what you're gaining from the friendship and measuring it by what you put in. A baby at three months is still pretty early and just because you've gone to other peoples baby's christening doesn't mean this friend has to ensure you're there. As I said my family and friends keep christenings quite small. It's tough having a partner sick. It takes it's toll but as I asked already do you have a wider support network than this friend?

LegacyUser

i really can't believe some of the posts here, op i dont think you're being selfish at all, i find it strange that so many seem to be of the opinion that having a baby negates the need for basic manners?!...well thats news to me...

Ok obviously shes going to be up the walls and babys the no 1 priority for the the first year or so and thats perfectly understandable, but if somebody makes an 8 hour round trip to see a friend, then im sorry its just plain rude to not ask them how they are, whats going on in their life, baby or no baby, it takes 2 seconds..i dont care how busy/stressed i am if my friend makes the effort to come see me, i'll ask them how they are...

just updated her facebook status to announce the date of her baby's christening, So is this my invitation to the christening?

ehhh...is she 16 or something, Personally op i wouldnt count that as an invitation (some girl i hardly know and dont particularly like just updated her status that shes going surfing tomorrow lol i could imagine her face if i turned up), and if a christening means so little to her that she considers a fb status an invitation, well then i wouldn't be bothered putting myself out by going tbh...

MJ23

The invitation is on facebook? Fúcking hell, is she 14 or what. As my mother used to say, "if you cant do it right, dont do it at all"
Putting an invitation to a christening on facebook is really quite childish i think. Did she write it in text speak too ?
I wouldnt go anyway, she couldnt even ring you or send you an invite. People who spend their lives on facebook are sad bástards i think. I prefer to talk to real people, not on a computer screen.

iguana

Who sends an invite to a christening? I've never gotten one in my life, it's always a quick text or word of mouth. If she has updated her facebook with the venue, time and date then yes I would consider that a provisional invite and if I was the OP I'd give her a quick ring and confirm it if I was still unsure.

As for your personal problems OP, well I'm very sorry to hear about that. My husband has been seriously unwell too and nearly died earlier this year. He still has quite a way to go before he's 100% right. But I would never expect any of my friends to know about this if I didn't tell them. I don't feel cross with them for not caring about my issues if I haven't told them that there are issues. Especially when it's been a big year for them.

Chinafoot

OP, not asking how you are is rude absolutely. However, I fully agree with iguana in that you can't possibly expect your friend to know about your partner if you haven't actually told her about it. She's not a mind reader.

I have also never received an invitation to a christening. Its not the done thing in my experience. I don't think putting it on facebook makes her immature. Its just another, very easy, way to communicate with friends. Refusing to go because you didn't get a personal invite isn't very mature though.

Why don't you actually tell her how you feel? You don't have to be confrontational about it, just tell her that while you know she has her hands full right now you could really use a good friend to talk to because you have a lot of stuff going on at the moment. Telling her she's a bad friend isn't really the way to go. Her baby is only 3 months old so she's probably still incredibly overwhelmed. Her baby is and always will be her number one priority, as it should be.