Fresh start

LegacyUser

Hey there. This might just be me venting but I find it somewhat theraputic, it contains a lot of stuff I never told anyone which has caused me a lot of suffering over the last 6 months.

It started about 6 months ago when a large panic attack triggered what I can only discribe as a 6 month period of derealisation, where everything seemed weird and unreal. I felt like I had infact died and was some form of a ghost or remnant of my former self. I spent a good 6 months in this state, not telling anyone while trying to go about my day to day life. After much research on it I realised it was due to prolonged stress and anxiety (have always been a bit of a worrier but had a very rough year of constant daily worrying) and that the only way it would go away is if I learnt how to relax. I was told that only by not giving a damn about what was happening and not letting it stress me further would it go away. It was hell, I spent every waking moment trying to focus until things would regain their emotional edge, I felt like I was going crazy and this fear only made things worse which would result in further stress related symptoms.

Well finally about a week ago after finishing up most of my stressfull duties for a long summer break, including a diet change a few weeks back and an increase in excersise I feel like things are back to normal. Im still afraid it will come back but at the moment I am just enjoying the little things people take for granted. (I was so happy to just walk into my kitchen and have it all seem real)

Well the thing is I've started examining my life and I can tell why my brain tried to shut me off from much of the world. My life kinda sucks. Im in college and wasnt doing anything that interested me (I have fixed this), I had taken on extra stressfull duties in college that affected my grades and wernt worth the effort (Also sorted), I've never had a girlfriend and despite being very confident in most things this has really eaten away at my self esteem. Im 20 and it makes me feel like a freak. I have lots of good friends and even if I got everything else sorted in life I would still feel like a failure if I just couldnt figure out how to get a girl attracted to me. Only one of my mates knows about this and I regret telling him as I hate being pitied with a passion. Maybe it's my ego but I feel like I can put my mind to anything and get results and here I am, constantly and consistently unable to do something almost everyone else can (some people make it seem so easy that it disgusts me). It's frustraed, I mean really frustrated and is making me feel very bitter and angry at times (A bit lonely at times too). I went to an all boys school, almost all my mates are guys too and so I sometimes feel like I missed out on a key area of life. Plus the older I get the weirder being clueless around girls is going to be and the more angry, bitter and frustrated I will become. I really dont want to be like this but after many years it seems to have just seeped into me. Now I love my mates but some of them are complete muppets and can still get any girl they want. I want that x factor so badly, more than anything else in the world. As it is I feel like there must be something wrong with me socially if I cant get a girl. More realistically it's probably because I still hang out with mostly guys and tend to give the girls I like far too much attention (just a theory but what do I know, if I knew anything about this I wouldnt be here with the problem) but it's still eating away at my confidence.

Another thing is my life is really boring. Im still a bit edgy about doing any major upheavals that would trigger the unreality again. Most of my old hobbies like motorsports are so expensive that I wouldnt stand a chance of getting back into them any time soon. Im still looking for a job as I have to raise 2 grand over the summer to pay for my college fees. I've gotten some requests for call backs but I had a horrible experience with a mock interview in 4th year where the parents who conducted it wrote some stuff about my interview which really hurt my feeling and shook my confidence in my social skills (They said I lacked interpersonal skills which was a real shock to me) It still eats at me today. How will I ever know if my social skills are any good? I think there a lot better these days and I have a lot of good friends but what if this is only what I think and in reality my social skills are horrible and they secretely make fun of me behind my back (like happens to some other people in my college who lack social skills). I suppose some proof is those who lack social skills never get invited to parties or to do fun stuff with their mates but it's still another thing that shakes my confidence. If I can't trust my social skills how will I ever be confident around people. It's funny because I actually act very confident around people to a lever that can be borderline arrogant sometimes. Im often the first to go and talk to a new group of people but I sometimes feel uncomfortable about it inside, as if hey will see my lack of social skills.

Yea it's long rant but I feel better after it. It feels good to finally discuss things that have concerned me for years which I have never vocalised(or in this case typed) before.
So right now im trying to pull my **** together but I really need a bit of a pep talk and some advice on how to go about it. Theres just so much that I feel I need to change, both in myself and my surroundings. It feels quite overwhelming at times and I am afraid if I get stressed or overwhelmed that I wont be able to handle it and will have everything go emotionally bland again. I also have to do a bit of damage control. Youd be amazed how feeling like things arnt real will affect your college grades/personal relationships (There are a few people I snapped at when I was under derealisation that I shouldnt have.

Well heres to a fresh start hopefully.

LegacyUser

Wow OP – it seems like you’ve had a lot going on recently. Hopefully the summer break will give you the head space you need to work things out bit by bit. Having suffered from panic attacks myself, I know what you mean about that sense of ‘unreality’. It’s quite unnerving feeling detached from yourself and everything that seems so normal to you. Can you trace the reason why the panic attack occurred in the first place? It would probably be very useful to you if you could find a safe way to uncover the reasons for the panic and to try to find ways to deal with them. I too never told anyone at the beginning. However, after a while, I really needed reassurance that I wasn’t going mad (the anxiety can make you feel that) and I opened up to some trusted friends and family.

It seems like you are really stressing about what you perceive to be a ‘lack’ of social skills. Also, despite popular opinion, I’d imagine that plenty of 20 year olds are fretting about their lack of success with the opposite sex. You are absolutely not unique in this – loads of people have similar experiences; going to same-sex secondary schools and feeling ‘alien’ around the opposite sex/groups of new people in third level. I don’t in any way want to diminish how you are feeling – these things trouble you and are important for you but it might give you some consolation to know that other people feel the same way. Maybe some cover it up with bravado, others retreat into themselves etc but certainly a large proportion of your peers will have similar worries.

What advice would I give you? Don’t keep this to yourself. Sharing your worries will immediately give you some reassurance. You’re in college and the summer is a great time to seek help from a college counsellor. Things are quiet on campus during the summer months and it might be no harm to locate the services in college that could be useful to you. Even just using an impartial counsellor as a sounding board might be very helpful to you. You don’t want to bring these worries and panic attacks into your next year, so do seek advice from people you trust.

Finally be kind to yourself. Find ways to make amends with those people that you snapped at; be humble and they’ll quite likely understand.

I wish you a happy summer – make the most of the time off and you’ll start the next academic year like a new person!

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for writing that.

Well im glad to be feeling better. If it starts to get out of hand Ill try contact them but I don't think it's coming back any time soon. I just really want to get started on changing my life around but I don't know where to start.

I know a lot of people secretely have the same worries but at least most of them have had some form of success with the opposite sex to convinve them that theres nothing wrong with them.