Does it ever get easier?

grubnose

So - just wondering if anyone else has been through this and how they coped...

I'm with my partner for over 10 years - we married a couple of years ago. When I met her we had fun and eventually I fell for her big time. We moved in together after about a year. Anyway shes always been very affectionate and loving - and she chased me down originally - not because I'm Brad Pitt or anthing but I've never been very good at flirting/chatting up and I've been lucky in that girls made the first move.

Anyway, she's always been a flirt and over the years it would get me down a bit but I always trusted her - even if sometimes I would be raging inside it would pass quickly. I know that's probably more down to insecurity than anything else.

So fastforward to about 8 months ago and I got sick, just a couple of things in quick succession which led to a continous bout of what I can only describe as depression/anxiety etc. To deal with this I had sought out some help and I think it was good idea...seemed to be helping me.
About two months ago the two of us where at home after work and I sat down at the pc which is the same room. She was about 4 feet away from me and there were two chat windows open (she was logged in). Long story short one of the chat windows was her basically having full on sex chats with a guy - turns out he was from her job. I can't really describe how it felt to read that except to say I was crushed, I felt like everything had just fallen apart, I felt sick - felt like running off. Couldn't believe it and couldn't believe it was really her (niave I suppose). I suppose I wanted to find some way of making it not be real.

So I stood up and basically said something along the lines of 'if you're going to internet-f*ck some guy don't leave it open for me to see'. I couldn't talk to her - left the house went for a long walk - went for a pint - eventually went home to talk. She apologied saying sorry you had to see that etc. - I told her I was broken up, couldn't believe it etc. She told me that they had be chatting like this now and then (and on the phone) for about 6 months. She said it was harmless fantasy, and that she always felt loved but not wanted (during that period sex had dwindled down - maybe once every two weeks). It killed me that she had been doing that when I was at my lowest.

So, we're trying to make a go of it - I had 'offered' to break up. She says she's never been with anyone else since we met and that all that stuff will stop and that we should stay together - she loves me etc. I'm trying to make things better in every way I can - sex is well back on track. The problem is I have really dark days when I just don't know how I can really trust or believe her anymore - people talk about these things like you just patch them up and away you go. I'm constantly worried that she'll still fancy this guy or there'll be someone else just around the corner.

Does it ever end - has anybody been in this situation?
I love her and I've made some sacrifices to make the thing work but I don't want to be the jealous untrusting guy...it's no life for me and no life for her. Maybe time will heal but Jesus it's tough.

Thanks for reading!

LegacyUser

The biggest barrier to having an affair is the fear of getting caught and the fact you know you are betraying your partner.

Once you cross that line its gone. What I mean is if you kiss someone, it normally leads to sex. If you have sex it's never just once. It's because the barrier is broken you feel relieved you didn't get caught, the betrayal is done and you didn't feel that bad about it. So now there is nothing to stop you having your affair.

If your wife was having phone/internet sex with a guy she works with and sees every day. I'm sorry but you're foolish if you think they didn't ave actual sex.

She's chatting to him, having online sex one night, it's hot and exciting and illicit. She goes into work the next day and sees him. It makes it even more exciting, how could she resist. She already knows what he wants to do and how he is going to touch her, the online/phone stuff is hardcore foreplay.

Quick clean break is the only way and best for you in the long run. By doing that you will get some of your pride back, which will help you moving forward.

grubnose

Well maybe you're right but I have no proof of that. Should you walk out of a relationship because you think something might have happened?

She completely broke down when we talked about it - I asked her to be straight with me, she said they never did anything. Apparently he's married too.

I don't know what else I can do.

sbsquarepants

I'm with the previous poster mate. I'd bet my mortgage that they didn't just talk for 6 months! My advice is to get out of there.
Sorry

kittykrazy

A friend of mine was in your wife's position where her now ex wasn't having sex with her. She had web sex with another friends' ex a few times but it never went further even though she saw him at least once a week and I believe her because she was always very proud of her sexual exploits and I don't think she would have lied.

A male friend who was a lil obsessed with cyber sex was into it because it didn't feel "really" physical and didn't feel like really cheating.

My point is that it's not always progressive (cyber to real life sex), sometimes it is a substitute for the real thing.


If I could recommend that you go to see a relationship therapist or look into a massage course that you can do together to help the fixing things? Be proactive and honest about the bad things/feelings and the good.

grubnose

Thanks for that.

She's actually seeing a counsellor at the moment. I don't want to blow the whole thing because my mind goes through all things that might or might not have happened. I just have to find a way of dealing with that. It might be foolish or niave but I just couldn't see her going through with it - it's just the doubt that wasn't there before is always lingering in the background now. You begin to question how much you really know someone.

Maybe everyone deserves a second chance - what do I know

miec

Hi Grubnose

The two things I got from your post is how hurt you are but also how much you love your wife.

Cyber sex does not necessarily lead to actual sex but the fact is an infidelity occurred of sorts, the internet has in a sense opened up this aspect to relationships and couples have to find their own way of navigating it.

I guess what you have to consider is you first of all and work through what you know. Your wife was flirting online with a co-worker, you know this a fact, she did it at a time when you were low. I don't think you have worked through that hurt yet and I believe if you get counselling either on your own or as a couple you could work through the pain of the betrayal and find a way back to the loving marriage you had. You need to consider will you ever trust her, get over the hurt and rebuild the relationship. I'm sure she is very sorry now and the fact she is in counselling is a good thing. Do you think she is really willing to work at the marriage? If yes, then I think you may have a chance.

LegacyUser

Your wife betrayed you when you were at your most vulnerable. She not only did that but she did it with a guy she sees everyday at work. They most definitely had an affair. You dont just have sex chats and phone calls with someone you see EVERY DAY and never act on it. Im really sorry OP, leave now.

Denimgirl

Theres always times someone you love will let you down, if she is serious about getting the marriage back on track maybe you should put down some conditions, looking for a new job for starters it will be impossible to carry on tring to salvage a marriage with this guy and her working together.is she truely sorry or just sorry she got caught?? she needs to prove this to you!I hope both of you sort it out and make a fresh start relationships are hard work but it has to work when both people are on the same page.

Wagon

I reckon to consider leaving. I agree with everyone who said that there's little or no chance she didn't have sex with a man she sees everyday at work after having phone/cybersex conversations with him for about 6 months. Just because your partner is feeling down and depressed, you're supposed to stick by them and help in these times, not run off with another person for comfort.