Pass on condolences or not?

bubbaloo

I used to be friends with a guy, years ago, and we were really close but fell out when i met my husband. (My former friend is gay so it's nothing to do with romantic jealousy). I think he didn't like the fact that someone else was getting my attention and he had broken up from a relationship at the time...blah...blah...blah!
Anyway, we haven't spoken in about 10 years but I just heard that his father died.
Should I make contact to pass on my condolences or would I only be doing that to make myself feel better?
Would I just anger a man who's grieving, if you know what I mean??

seamus

All depends on whether or not the feud is water under the bridge.

I would say that yes, even if you haven't seen someone in 20 years but you were very close with them, then attending a funeral or passing on your condolences would be appropriate.

Ignoring the fact that his father just died - if you met him on the street would you both make a point of ignoring eachother, or would you stop and say hi? If you'd stop and say hi, then pass on your condolences. Otherwise, don't bother getting in touch.

smileyscientist

Offer condolences for definite. I persume you still have his contact details.

This thrumps whatever has happened in the past. He is still a friend to you and he deserves this at this time. Who knows maybe you will salvage the friendship, sometimes it takes something like this to put things in perspective. TBH the who reason of the initial falling out is quite trival one(but also v v common!)

Be and adult and extend the olive branch, its not about making you feel better. Like the previous poster said, what about if you randomly bump into him and you just ignored the fact? I know id never want to speak to you again despite whatever had gone on before, that just downright rude and disrespectful.

Best of luck and whatever happens he will know that you are in his thoughts at this diffcult time.

cowzerp

bubbaloo wrote: »

I used to be friends with a guy,

smileyscientist wrote: »

He is still a friend to you and he deserves this at this time.

As quoted above, the man used to be a friend-he chose not to be friends so she does not owe anything to him, if she chooses to send condolences fair enough but its certainly should not be a given.

bubbaloo

Thanks for the replies.
To be honest I can't say that I still consider him a friend. He treated me pretty badly at the time we fell out. He spread awful rumours about my hubby - saying he was cheating on me and dealing drugs and all sorts - none of which were true.
I'm not sure I would say hello if I saw him on the street.
I should have said that my mother died 8 years ago and he never contacted me, even though I'm sure he heard the news. And even if he had contacted me I'm not sure how I would have felt about it.
I think I'm going to leave it for now and if it's still on my mind in the months to come I might contact him them.

seamus

Well given what you've said above, I wouldn't bother. If you wouldn't even say hello to him on the street, then he's not even an acquaintance; he's nobody to you.