Wife not interested in sex

Connaught321 · 21-05-2010 12:39pm #1

I am new to this site, but heard alot about it. So I will give it a go for some advice...

Im a 30yo married male and my wife is 28yo, I have been with my wife for 8yrs and married about 3yrs. We always used to have a great sex life, but for the last 3years we only do it about 5 or 6 times a year. I have tried everything from romantic weekends, meals out, candle lit baths, holidays etc. U name it & I prob have tried it.

We have 2kids 5yrs and 1yr. They are very good & we have little or no problems with them. We both adore them. She works 4 halfdays a week & I work long enough days I am gone in the morning from 5:30am and back around 6:30pm. I always make bottles for the baby and lunch for the 5yr and used to set the breakfeast table all b4 I went to work. But my wife still complains about everything I do.

She works some saturdays and I have all the washing done & put away, kids happy out, dinner ready when she comes home and house hovered. Whatever I do I its done wrong, washing put away in the wrong place, not hovered properly, something wrong with the dinner, kids in the wrong clothes etc...

When I ask for some lovin (which used to be 3-4times a week, but now once a month!!!) she blanks me and says shes to tired, sore head, period, sick, dosent feel like it, stop botherin her, Im like a teenager, hound dog etc...

I can handle all the nagging which prob comes with marriage, but the lack of sex is killing me. I have a stressful job (but never bring my work home with me) and always found that sex is the best cure.. She knows that but says sort yourself out...

So heres the situtation, I have been seriously thinking about going to a massage parlour for some relief just once a month, but its the last thing I want to do..

I have tried talkin 2her til im blue in the face about it.. Antime we have sex she really enjoys it and says that she has to make more of an effort from now on... but I have heard this at least 15times... Shes not depressed after giving birth but just LOVES to complane about everything...

Sorry about the long winded post, but would love some advice about the massage parlour idea once a month..........

Cheers

SarahSassy · 21-05-2010 1:07pm

Tell her its not good enough. You married her to be family but also to commit as a romantic couple, which includes sex and she is not holding up her side of the bargain. She si treating you like a friend and you need to tell her you want to be more than friends or its not a proper marriage... Some women just use it as a control thing but some just get lazy and it sounds like she is lazy - not good enough. If she wants to choose a sexless life then she should have stayed single...

You seem nice, why dont you give her a taste of her own medicine. Start going out late, dont spoil her and be moody for a while. let her see how much this is annoying you and see how that goes.. She is very selfish

Beruthiel · 21-05-2010 1:26pm

Connaught321 wrote: »

I have tried talkin 2her til im blue in the face about it.. Antime we have sex she really enjoys it and says that she has to make more of an effort from now on... but I have heard this at least 15times

Seem to me you have tried everything we would normally suggest in here.

You say you've talked to her, but have you really told her the end result of her not addressing this?
Have you told her what this is doing to you and have you suggested that at this stage you think you need to go to couples counselling?
If not, those are your next steps.
Right now, she's not taking your comments seriously, it's time to get the message through to her.

Connaught321 · 21-05-2010 1:27pm

You seem nice, why dont you give her a taste of her own medicine. Start going out late, dont spoil her and be moody for a while. let her see how much this is annoying you and see how that goes.. She is very selfish[/QUOTE]

I have tried to before but its not me to be moody and she only gets twice as bad if I dont do stuff around the house. I dont want it to affect the kids so thats why I do it... All I want is a quite life with some sex... maybe its to much 2ask for......

SarahSassy · 21-05-2010 1:28pm

Yeah book counselling sessions and have a babysitter sorted out so she cant object. it might wake her up. If you cheat on her there is a good chance you will lose everything.

bubbaloo · 21-05-2010 1:33pm

You say she's not depressed but have you spoken to her about this?
I got post natal depression and I couldn't express it or admit and just walked around getting angry at everyone, and the thought of sex was horrendous! Assuming you haven't discussed it, it's possible that she just needs you to bring up the subject because she's afriad to say it out loud herself.
Whatever the outcome, I don't think you should even contemplate the massage parlour idea. You are only going to cause more trouble when she finds out - and she will find out - the truth always comes out. Maybe you could have a "cold shower" if you know what I mean!!
Good luck. (PM me if you want more info on the post-natal depression)!

Connaught321 · 21-05-2010 1:34pm

You say you've talked to her, but have you really told her the end result of her not addressing this?
Have you told her what this is doing to you and have you suggested that at this stage you think you need to go to couples counselling?

Ya I have even suggusted counselling, and if I mentioned getting a massage she would ban sex for life, so as little as I get it, I dont want to lose it....

When we go out, and if her friends start talkin about sex, she plays along like she a nimpo, when I just feel like sayin Stop talkin Sh!t....

Are all women like this?????????

Smallbit · 21-05-2010 1:36pm

Connaught321 wrote: »

You seem nice, why dont you give her a taste of her own medicine. Start going out late, dont spoil her and be moody for a while. let her see how much this is annoying you and see how that goes..

While this sounds tempting, it's very easy to ramp up the argument to a point where loathing or contempt rear their ugly heads.

It does seem like you do your fair share, if not more. Having said that, it's a separate issue to your sex life. Ok, it's true that many women use sex as a commodity, but if that's what your wife is doing, then she's priced herself out of the market. Hence your temptations perhaps?

The only way to deal with this is by talking directly to her. Be honest about your sexual needs and tell her you simply aren't happy and that the situation cannot continue. If she doesn't understand how seriously you consider the problem, she won't join you in tackling it. Bear in mind also that some situations cannot be resolved to everyone's satisfaction, so you need to determine where you draw the line, and whether you can live with a compromise.

Connaught321 · 21-05-2010 1:40pm

bubbaloo wrote: »

You say she's not depressed but have you spoken to her about this?
I got post natal depression and I couldn't express it or admit and just walked around getting angry at everyone, and the thought of sex was horrendous! Assuming you haven't discussed it, it's possible that she just needs you to bring up the subject because she's afriad to say it out loud herself.

I have asked her on numerous occasions about post natal depression and got her best friend to ask as well, but said that she was not everytime.

Whatever the outcome, I don't think you should even contemplate the massage parlour idea. You are only going to cause more trouble when she finds out - and she will find out - the truth always comes out.

Maybe the truth always comes out, but Im sure as hell not goin 2tell her, & I will no body else...

Maybe you could have a "cold shower" if you know what I mean!!
Good luck. (PM me if you want more info on the post-natal depression)!

Only so many cold showers 1man can have....

SarahSassy · 21-05-2010 1:55pm

Sounds to me like you are looking for an excuse to cheat on her.

Talk to her and tell her the reality... Whats the point staying in a dead relationship like this?

seenitall · 21-05-2010 1:56pm

Red alert: marriage going down the pan.

Your wife needs a big wake-up call, and the only one to make it happen is you. As a previous poster said, make sure you get through to her this time.

I really don't like it when guys use this expression (I am female), but here it is really appropriate: you seem to be entirely .....-whipped, she's got you right where she wants you as you don't seem to be able to stand up for yourself and your needs.

Get some self-esteem, and you will be laughing. (I know it sounds so much easier than it is, but counselling and couple counselling is a good start.)

Going to a massage parlour is a bad idea, as it is just about prolonging your problems, not solving them. Do you really think that settling for a one-month paid session is going to be a solution to your life without a loving, caring, fully functioning sexual relationship? Your LIFE, OP.

Wake up, get some self-respect and ensure that all your needs (love, sex, respect, intimacy) are valued and fulfilled. If she refuses, then she is not the person for you any more, and if you don't know that now, you will learn it as a much more painful, more prolonged, and more unnecessary lesson months or years down the line.

If you carry on living like this, even with paid sex sessions, you will pay the price in much future strife and unhappiness. This marriage of yours isn't going anyplace good. Sadly, some people don't learn until they hit the wall. I hope you won't be one of them.

pickarooney · 21-05-2010 3:20pm

SarahSassy wrote: »

Sounds to me like you are looking for an excuse to cheat on her.

Talk to her and tell her the reality... Whats the point staying in a dead relationship like this?

The point is he has two children that he doesn't want to walk away from, I imagine.

OP, I doubt your wife is happy with her asexual status but there are so many contributing factors after the birth of a baby (constant tiredness and stress, changed body shape, difficulty separating the roles of wife, mother and individual human being,...) that confrontation will not improve.

I think you're going to have a long battle ahead, but in my opinion you need to seduce her all over again. Do what you can to arrange babysitters so you can spend time together just doing couply things, with no pressure or expectation of sex. You're going to need to re-learn to enjoy one another's company outside the context of being parents before you can move on/back to anything like regular sex.

dory · 21-05-2010 3:43pm

OP if you go to a massage parlour and she finds out, you'll never be able to rationally talk to her about this.
You'll constantly just get that thrown back in your face during every argument.

And if you two do get back on the right road again I imagine you'll feel very guilty for having cheated.

ilovetosing · 21-05-2010 3:53pm

SarahSassy wrote: »

Sounds to me like you are looking for an excuse to cheat on her.

Talk to her and tell her the reality... Whats the point staying in a dead relationship like this?

I dont think he is looking for an excuse to cheat! I think he is looking for some excuse NOT to cheat but has exhausted all!

OP this is BS and I wouldn't put up with it. You have children and a family and you look like you are trying very hard and i dont think what you are asking is unfair in anyway! As someone said earlier you made a deal when you got married and she is not sticking to it! So tell her and sort it out! good luck!

Connaught321 · 21-05-2010 3:54pm

everybody

thanks for the advice.

It just feels that the lack of physical contact and sex is driving me mad..... She knows how I feel and that I would be the last person 2cheat but just the man urges get too much some times....

I keep telling myself if I get a massage with hand relief its not cheating or is it?????

21-05-2010 4:24pm

Divorce her now.

Children are not a good reason for you having to live in misery. You are married to someone who complains about you all the time, expects you to do all the work, is impossible to talk to about relationship problems and won't put out.

Don't listen to fools who say that sex is not important in a relationship - it is essential. Humans form relationships for the sole purposes of emotional and sexual gratification, which evolution intended to result in reproduction, and both of which you are not getting.

You claim you've spoken to her about this many times with no change. Assuming your account of the situation is accurate, you should get rid of her.

Connaught321 wrote:

I keep telling myself if I get a massage with hand relief its not cheating or is it?????

Yes, it is. Do not do it. The guilt you will feel will only make the situation worse, and if you suddenly stop expressing frustration at the lack of sex, she will become suspicious. You're in a monogamous relationship, and the only solution that I can see is to terminate that contract.

Taltos · 21-05-2010 4:52pm

OP

you know this is just wrong - and there is a good chance she does too - but it is always easier to bury your head and deny everything.

I know you don't want to walk away because of the kids - but you might have to face this. Sex is only a sympton of something much deeper - and any guesses we give here are just guesses.

Sit her down - away from the family, house and distractions and tell her that this relationship is no longer working for you and has not been for a while. Ask her to seek help - GP & counselling - to get to the root of what is wrong. Be clear - you love her - but you want your old wife back. I mean - in a sexless marriage you might as well be house-sharing with a stranger.

It really could be a number of things.
> post natal
> another medical condition
> self esteem
> doesn't feel that way for you anymore...
anything...

Sit her down and tell her no excuses - if you are to survive and grow as a couple you both need to take responsibility and work on it.

Either she will agree and you will try to work or she will blow you off - you have to decide at that point if it is worth living a lie to protect your kids. Personally the lie thing is a piece of crap - kids know when parents don't love each other - and this would be the worst example ever to show them.

Nevyn · 21-05-2010 5:09pm

Was she orgasmic before the vibe was introduced?
You need to show her that you can do things for her that it can't.
Have you tried giving her a massage, with out expecting anything in return?

up for anything · 21-05-2010 11:03pm

Connaught321 wrote: »

I have a stressful job (but never bring my work home with me) and always found that sex is the best cure.. She knows that but says sort yourself out...

Hmmm my ex used to say that about sex. It cured his tension, headaches, stress etc. Such a turn on for me... to be taken once a day like a bloody tablet. I never refused him because I couldn't stand the frozen silences and sulking that would result from refusal.

Your post is very subjective (naturally) and you sound like every woman's dream husband but there are two sides to every story. Maybe you need to stop thinking with your groin and have a go at understanding why she is complaining so much. Maybe she is trying to tell you something or expecting you to extract what is making her so unhappy from the complaining. We women have a habit of trying to tell men in a roundabout way rather than coming out and saying what exactly is the matter.

Also have you tried 'cuddles without sex'. Very difficult for a lot of men and I'd imagine you would be included in that category but more than sex it is what a lot of women long for in a relationship. Try it for a month and see where it gets you but you have to keep any hint of sex out of it.

Also how do you know she is not post-natally depressed. You are not a doctor. A lot more women have post-natal depression than are diagnosed.

If you are willing to screw up your marriage and your children go right ahead with some purchased 'sexual relief' but if she ever finds out I'd imagine you will be shown the door pretty quickly.

LegacyUser · 22-05-2010 8:22am

OP, you do sound like the ideal husband, and that you're doing everything "right" as per the manuals.

It's not working though, and maybe you need to think about what your wife actually wants instead of what "women" say they want.

Is it possible, that with all the being nice to her and doing what she asks, you've lost your backbone and she's therefore lost her respect and attraction to you?

She might want someone she can't walk all over the way she's been doing to you and for your own mental health I think you need to stand up for yourself a bit more anyway. It will probably be horrible for the first few weeks but I think in the long run if you were to become a stronger person it might help the relationship overall.

Cheap Thrills! · 22-05-2010 9:49am

up for anything wrote: »

Hmmm my ex used to say that about sex. It cured his tension, headaches, stress etc. Such a turn on for me... to be taken once a day like a bloody tablet. I never refused him because I couldn't stand the frozen silences and sulking that would result from refusal.

I think you're projecting your experiences onto OP. OP is doing everything to try to connect with his wife if you read his posts properly. She also knows she's in the wrong evidenced by the fact she pretends everythings dandy in front of her mates. She just sounds impossible to please

up for anything wrote: »

Maybe she is trying to tell you something or expecting you to extract what is making her so unhappy from the complaining. We women have a habit of trying to tell men in a roundabout way rather than coming out and saying what exactly is the matter.

I'm a woman and I can't stand this way of thinking some women have. Its so self absorbed. If something is wrong you behave like an adult and explain it to the other person. You don't set up these elaborate guessing games just to fcuk with the other persons head. 'We women' have mouths and are well capable of using them to explain what is wrong with us.

up for anything wrote: »

Also have you tried 'cuddles without sex'. Very difficult for a lot of men and I'd imagine you would be included in that category but more than sex it is what a lot of women long for in a relationship. Try it for a month and see where it gets you but you have to keep any hint of sex out of it.

Ah me arse. Sex over cuddles any day of the week. I love cuddles but come on. The fella is fit to explode with frustration and you think he should cuddle his wife for a month to see if maybe when the whim takes the spoilt article she might deign to throw him a bone! Ridiculous!
The reason she is not respecting him is because he is already acting so submissive and eager to please. She has his balls on a plate.

up for anything wrote: »

Also how do you know she is not post-natally depressed. You are not a doctor. A lot more women have post-natal depression than are diagnosed.

Neither are you a doctor.

up for anything wrote: »

If you are willing to screw up your marriage and your children go right ahead with some purchased 'sexual relief' but if she ever finds out I'd imagine you will be shown the door pretty quickly.

Typical double bind. She won't have sex but he's in the wrong if he 'cheats' :rolleyes: She is well aware of his suffering but she obviously doesn't give a crap. She is abusing her power, not bothering her hole to try to give the man some loving because she knows she can get away with it. Its all about her, her, her. In order for him to ever get sex again he has to leave his kids. Thats the position she has put him in. She sounds like a selfish beyatch.

Darlughda · 22-05-2010 9:57am

In a situation like this what further can you do to appeal to her? If you're careful she won't find out if find yourself a lover. Maybe she might become more amorous if you no longer need her for sex.

Wagon · 22-05-2010 10:18am

The way I see it is that if she has post nasal depression and other problems that she knows is making her husband unhappy, she should get them sorted for both of you. She isn't doing that at all. So the only logical reason I can think of is that she's happy to have your balls on a plate. It's easy for her to put you in that situation because of the kids and any self respecting man will never turn his back on his children. This isn't me calling you weak mate. I'm saying your bítch of a wife is exploiting your position as a father.

So sit her down and ask for some honest answers. Make this the last time you talk to her about it and make that perfectly clear to her and if she reacts in the same way ie. calling you a pervert or a teenager or somthing along those lines, get yourself a good lawyer and do the divorce business. You're married so it means you have at least some rights to your children. She can't take them away from you.

Then you can get yourself back on track and in the future meet someone who will have as much respect for you as you do for them. This is what ulimately it comes down to. I don't understand why some people feel that marraige is automatic reason to quit making any effort with your partner. This situation isn't relationship, it's a prison.

up for anything · 22-05-2010 10:41am

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

I think you're projecting your experiences onto OP. OP is doing everything to try to connect with his wife if you read his posts properly. She also knows she's in the wrong evidenced by the fact she pretends everythings dandy in front of her mates. She just sounds impossible to pleaseI'm not projecting I'm offering advice from my experience. Everybody pretends in front of their friends. I'm sure he does too or he would have sought advice from them and not on this board.

I'm a woman and I can't stand this way of thinking some women have. Its so self absorbed. If something is wrong you behave like an adult and explain it to the other person. You don't set up these elaborate guessing games just to fcuk with the other persons head. 'We women' have mouths and are well capable of using them to explain what is wrong with us. You've obviously never been in a long term relationship if you don't realise how hard it is to talk about about some subjects when you live and have children with the person. Remind me why people joke about if a woman says fine it's time to find out what the trouble is!

Ah me arse. Sex over cuddles any day of the week. I love cuddles but come on. The fella is fit to explode with frustration and you think he should cuddle his wife for a month to see if maybe when the whim takes the spoilt article she might deign to throw him a bone! Ridiculous!
The reason she is not respecting him is because he is already acting so submissive and eager to please. She has his balls on a plate. Maybe here you are projecting your experiences onto the OP. Have you ever had young children, held down a part-time job and looked after a house. Do you have any idea how tired that makes you and how sex can be the last thing in the world you need or want.

Neither are you a doctor.Now you are just playing tit-for-tat! Childish.

Typical double bind. She won't have sex but he's in the wrong if he 'cheats' :rolleyes: She is well aware of his suffering but she obviously doesn't give a crap. She is abusing her power, not bothering her hole to try to give the man some loving because she knows she can get away with it. Its all about her, her, her. In order for him to ever get sex again he has to leave his kids. Thats the position she has put him in. She sounds like a selfish beyatch. Suffering, my arse! Same sort of suffering that drove men to give their wives baby after baby back in the day. All those women with huge numbers of children some of them conceived during the six weeks directly after the birth when in those days it was forbidden. All those women who died in childbirth/pregnancy even though they had been told not to have more children. Why shouldn't he practise self-restraint and control if he values his family

Get real, ladette. The OPs wife isn't the only woman in the world to avoid sex. It's not an offence punishable by death or cheating.

I keep telling myself if I get a massage with hand relief its not cheating or is it?????

OP, you are trying to delude yourself.

Yes, you do a bit around the house and with the children. So bloody what! They are your children and it's your house. It doesn't make you a saint or entitle you to sex. If you can't live without sex temporarily then be a decent human being and tell your wife outright not run off to some 'massage parlour' where you run the chance of bringing home a nice social disease. You are not going to sort out your marriage on an internet board where all we are hearing is one side of the story.

Cheap Thrills! · 22-05-2010 12:07pm

up for anything wrote: »

Everybody pretends in front of their friends.

No, everyone doesn't pretend in front of their friends. Friends are people you can be real with, not an audience you are trying to impress.

up for anything wrote: »

You've obviously never been in a long term relationship if you don't realise how hard it is to talk about about some subjects when you live and have children with the person. Remind me why people joke about if a woman says fine it's time to find out what the trouble is!

I'm in my third long term relationship. Previous two were a decade each. Thats enough personal information about me. I only bring that up to illistrate I know plenty about communication. Communication is not hard, you open your mouth and explain what's wrong.

up for anything wrote: »

Maybe here you are projecting your experiences onto the OP. Have you ever had young children, held down a part-time job and looked after a house. Do you have any idea how tired that makes you and how sex can be the last thing in the world you need or want.

Eh, it was HER OWN CHOICE to have kids.Oh and he has the kids and a job too so I'm sure he's tired as well. In answer to your question no I don't have kids because I am smart enough to know I wouldn't be happy. I see past the cute baby and know that I wouldn't want to destroy my sex life amongst other things but this thread is not about me and I don't have to explain to you why I'm qualified to have an opinion.

She knew full well the extra workload involved in having kids....did she then think she could just unilaterally decide to cease their sexlife and its tough sh1t to him?

up for anything wrote: »

Now you are just playing tit-for-tat! Childish.

Illogical. The point is your statement was hypocritical. You attacked OP saying he was not a Doctor and not qualified to know if she had post natal depression or not. I pointed out that you are not a Doctor either. OP mentioned post natal depression NOWHERE. He did however state that the wife never stops complaining no matter what he tries to do. She is spoilt and unreasonable. Yes there are put-upon housewives but she merely sound selfish from what I have read so far.

up for anything wrote: »

Suffering, my arse! Same sort of suffering that drove men to give their wives baby after baby back in the day.

Whoah!!! Whats that there now? Are we off on a feminist diatribe?

up for anything wrote: »

All those women with huge numbers of children some of them conceived during the six weeks directly after the birth when in those days it was forbidden. All those women who died in childbirth/pregnancy even though they had been told not to have more children. Why shouldn't he practise self-restraint and control if he values his family

Eh hello !!? Earth to upforanything....we now have contraception. Men are not evil and in other news OP is not responsible for the suffering of our.....erm....foremothers...

22-05-2010 1:25pm

up for anything wrote: »

Yes, you do a bit around the house and with the children. So bloody what! They are your children and it's your house. It doesn't make you a saint or entitle you to sex.

No, it makes him a pretty decent husband. The fact that he's married entitles him to sex. Sex is not a privilege in a relationship, it is a right for both (or all, if polygamous) parties.

up for anything wrote:

If you can't live without sex temporarily then be a decent human being and tell your wife outright

He has told his wife outright, apparently many times. They have sex five or six times a year, which is a joke; this is - by no stretch of the imagination - a temporary situation.

up for anything wrote:

Maybe here you are projecting your experiences onto the OP. Have you ever had young children, held down a part-time job and looked after a house. Do you have any idea how tired that makes you and how sex can be the last thing in the world you need or want.

Then that's too bad. Unless everyone in the relationship is asexual, sex is a necessary criterion for a stable marriage. The OP is probably exhausted all the time from working full-time as well. If there is something getting in the way of your relationship, either try to fix it or end it. Excuses are pathetic.

up for anything · 22-05-2010 5:09pm

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Eh hello !!? Earth to upforanything....we now have contraception. Men are not evil and in other news OP is not responsible for the suffering of our.....erm....foremothers...

I don't see where I said that men were evil, just that they are willing to ignore lots of things in order to scratch the urge for sex. I agree with a lot of what you say in principle about relationships but in the real world, for a lot of people, it rarely works like that.

She knew full well the extra workload involved in having kids....did she then think she could just unilaterally decide to cease their sexlife and its tough sh1t to him?

Do you know the OP and his wife? How do you know that she was aware of the real difference children would make to their life together? Very few people know before they have children the extra workload, as you put it, involved in having kids. You might think you do. You might think you are prepared for it. But in reality it comes as a big shock to the system and not just for the first few months but on an on-going basis.

Also how do you know she is not post-natally depressed. You are not a doctor. A lot more women have post-natal depression than are diagnosed.

How can you regard that as an attack? I merely suggested it as an option. I wasn't purporting to be a doctor.

Are we off on a feminist diatribe?

This made me PMSL and is not worthy of an rebuttal.

As for contraception, yes I surely do know that it exists, even on my planet. However, this could be another reason for her loss of libido.

It strikes me rereading all the OP's posts that nowhere has he said one nice or decent thing about her. He's all about criticism. He has said that all he wants is a quiet life with some sex. Not a great recipe for a happy marriage. If she has sensed this it's no wonder she is avoiding physical intimacy.

up for anything · 22-05-2010 5:33pm

Deleted User wrote: »

No, it makes him a pretty decent husband. The fact that he's married entitles him to sex. Sex is not a privilege in a relationship, it is a right for both (or all, if polygamous) parties.

As for him being a pretty decent husband, he is doing no less or no more than he should be within his relationship and for his children. I don't see why he should be praised for this.

Don't listen to fools who say that sex is not important in a relationship - it is essential. Humans form relationships for the sole purposes of emotional and sexual gratification, which evolution intended to result in reproduction, and both of which you are not getting.

Hmm so sex is a right. What happens when one of the parties involved in a marriage sustains an injury which means that sex is impossible. Is it Hi Ho Off I go! What happened to the 'for better, for worse, in sickness and in health' part of the contract?

Nobody is entitled to sex just because they are married.

He has told his wife outright, apparently many times. They have sex five or six times a year, which is a joke; this is - by no stretch of the imagination - a temporary situation.

Three years within the term of a marriage which could last for another forty or fifty years is temporary.

Cheap Thrills! · 22-05-2010 5:39pm

up for anything wrote: »

I don't see where I said that men were evil, just that they are willing to ignore lots of things in order to scratch the urge for sex.

^^That seems like an oxymoron to me.
Ignore lots of things....like what? Important things? Trivial things?

I ignore lots of things in favour of sex. No-one gets killed.

up for anything wrote: »

Do you know the OP and his wife?

No, but you seem to be able to read the wifes mind. Everyone else is seeing a moany, spoilt cow who is stonewalling her husband but you see a trodden upon sex slave who has to put out at last 5 or 6 times a year. Poor thing.

up for anything wrote: »

How do you know that she was aware of the real difference children would make to their life together?

up for anything wrote: »

Anyone who listens to parents knows its the most mind bogglingly difficult and tiring thing you can do. Its not a secret

You've answered your own question there.

up for anything wrote: »

He has said that all he wants is a quiet life with some sex. Not a great recipe for a happy marriage. If she has sensed this it's no wonder she is avoiding physical intimacy.

It's a PERFECT recipe for a happy marriage. Maybe he needs to find himself someone less neurotic and self absorbed high maintenance.

22-05-2010 5:51pm

up for anything wrote: »

As for him being a pretty decent husband, he is doing no less or no more than he should be within his relationship and for his children. I don't see why he should be praised for this.

Firstly, I didn't say he was a great husband, I said he was a decent one. That's not really praise.
Secondly, did you read the original post? He does do quite a bit of work for her, and gets lambasted when his attempts don't conform to her standards.

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Hmm so sex is a right. What happens when one of the parties involved in a marriage sustains an injury which means that sex is impossible.

That's up to the couple, but if they are relatively young and it means absolutely no sex whatsoever, I would not expect them to stay together. However, an injury is different from the OP's situation. Note that he has attempted to speak to his wife on numerous occasions about the situation, and he has received no insight as to the source of her lack of libido.

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Is it Hi Ho Off I go! What happened to the 'for better, for worse, in sickness and in health' part of the contract?

I understand some naive people still see marriage as a religious ceremony which imbues two people with undying, eternal love for each other. However, as this is not Hollywood, nor the imagination of someone from mid-20th century Catholic Ireland, you must accept that humans are animals who just happen to have higher reasoning abilities. As such, they have basic needs which must be met, i.e. sexual gratification with another human.

Divorce exists for a reason.

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Nobody is entitled to sex just because they are married.

Like I've said before, marriage (and all romantic relationships) exist for emotional bonding and reproduction. Marriage entitles you to sex. It is a necessary part of a lasting relationship. People who claim otherwise have clearly never gotten a good riding or taken a look at a book on biology or evolution.

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Three years within the term of a marriage which could last for another forty or fifty years is temporary.

Unfortunately, not all of us believe we can afford to waste time hoping that the future will be better and there are those who understand that eighty years are all we get. Staying in a resentful relationship because something "might" get better makes no sense and ultimately makes matters worse for when the relationship eventually does fail.

Even in what is planned to be a lifelong marriage, three years with barely any sex during middle age is ludicrous, and I certainly wouldn't accept it without a good reason.

jujuB · 22-05-2010 7:15pm

I would consider it cheating. If I found out my husband had been to a massage parlour I would be so upset and untrusting. You do not want this to happen as you said yourself, you have two gorgeous kids you adore, please do not face losing this over something so silly like visiting a parlour once a month! You sound like you are in a total rut and I do understand. I was with a guy for 5 years (I was young at the time 16-21, no kids, no stresses, nothing!) When we met i fell so hard in love with him and I really thought that we'd be together forever. About the 3rd year we were together I just simply fell out of love with him, sex was the very last thing on my mind, I couldn't stand even kissing him anymore, it felt weird, more like kissing a close friend you dont fancy. Keep in mind I was only 19 (healthy sex drive!) at the time and as I said no kids, stresses etc, so I think to more blame this on kids etc is a bit foolish. Towards the end of our relationship we probably had sex once a year, that has to say something about how bad the relationship was. I don't mean to scare you or anything but maybe, just maybe have you considered the prospect that she
may not be in love with you anymore? A lot of what you said about her relates to what i went through with my ex, i.e Bragging to her friends about the amount of sex she's having, having serious goes at you for doing the hoovering wrong or putting the washing in the wrong place? In my honest female opinion, it just sounds to me like she's lashing out in different areas because she's not happy therefore trying to push you away so she wont have to walk away?

up for anything · 22-05-2010 9:23pm

@ cheap thrills: I'm not reading the wife's mind but trying to get him to look again at their marriage from her point of view and not his. Yes, everyone is seeing her as a moany, spoilt cow from what he has posted. Most people posting their problems acknowledge some sort of failing on their part but he hasn't which leads me to believe there is more to the story than he has let on. No such thing as perfection/two sides to every story. It is surely doing him a disservice to ignore that.

I'd be interested to know where you pulled this quote of mine from:

Anyone who listens to parents knows its the most mind bogglingly difficult and tiring thing you can do. Its not a secret

Anyhow, this gnawing over the bones of our various posts is both pointless and a waste of time.

mig mag · 22-05-2010 9:52pm

Hi OP, I just wanna get away from the bickering for a sec and get back to your problem.
I am with my husband for 10 yrs and married for 5. We also have 2 kids and yes we went through a stage/phase of me not being so keen on sex. I think our 'dry spell' was due to so much change in our lives and our relationship over the years. This includes kids, jobs, moving house numerous times etc etc, any and all changes inclusive.

We are finally getting back on track now after finding a way for us to spend time together enjoying each others company and having fun together. For us we bought a motorbike and started to learn to drive it, but it could be anything.

I actually feared that we were destined to fail for a while but now we have a new spark in our marriage and it feels great. I don't know if this could work for ye but it's gotta be worth a try.

I wish you all the best of luck with your marriage and your family and I hope you can regain all the happiness ye must have had before.

rantyface · 22-05-2010 10:48pm

There are loads of posts about this problem from other people and it's happening to me right now. I love my OH and do fancy him. I'm confident it'll get better with time, and if not I'll see a psychologist. Honestly I think it was stress and weight gain for me, and I've read it is a big reason for a lot of people. Parents tend to worry a lot... you have more to worry about when you have children and it might just be getting on top of her.

It doesn't really matter how much work you're doing or how much she's doing, different people cope differently. She might not be just making excuses when she says she's tired and has headaches a lot. If you have enough money maybe you could get an au pair or some help for her around the house?

Also you should ask her to see a psychologist. Make sure your slant is that you're worried about her, not that you're getting impatient.

Neyite · 22-05-2010 11:31pm

was the birth difficult, did she get stitches? did she put on more weight or feeling self conscious about her figure after 2 babies?

it is the right of every individual to refuse to have sex if they do not wish to. marraige does not give you the right to sex, no more than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship does. it may not be fair on him, but equally, is it fair to expect her to have sex when she really does not want to?

if sex has dissapeared from the relationship, there has to be a reason, and the only way to fix it is to communicate. you need to tell your wife how seriously you consider this problem to be for you, and tell her you want counselling together, because it is damaging your marraige. whatever it is,neither of you are happy and a handjob from a stranger is not gonna fix that. why would you risk your marraige when you can give yourself a handjob?

but, one thing that needs pointing out - from the moment those kids wake up, until almost bedtime, you are not in the house 5 out of 7 days, so she is soley looking after them and plus for 4 of those, she is also juggling getting them their breakfast, washed, dressed for school, /creche, dropping them off, getting to work on time, doing her work, picking them up, feeding them again, maybe a bit of playtime, tidying the house, making dinner, getting them ready for bed.
your post comes across that you think that you do plenty around the house, but what you have described, most mums have done by 11am in one day. its your house, your kids, so you should be doing this anyway.

talk to her, with professional help

Wife not interested in sex

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