How to detach (at bedtime) from my 10 year old

LegacyUser

I'm not putting this in parenting, because I feel this is as much an issue for me as it is for my kid.
I'm in my 30s and a single mam with a 10yr old boy. His dad was never involved (that's a whole other post). We have moved around alot (renting) but have finally settled down with a mortgage, so wont be moving again.
My son still sleeps in my bed. The renting issue is relevant, because in each new home we were both unsettled. I feel, after ten years of parenting and very little going out to meet someone new, that its time I met someone, but how to meet someone when he's in my bed??
He has a beautiful bedroom. Every few weeks, I put my foot down and say he's sleeping in his own bed. He does it for a few nights, but has a very restless sleep, and only gets to sleep around midnight, spending those few hours after bedtime, shouting down the stairs to me..or just lying awake. He doesn't cry.
Like I said above, I know this is as much my issue as it is his. I always give in after a few nights. I work full time in a very stressful job and these nights (when he goes into his own room) fill me with dread. Neither of us gets much sleep.
In every other part of our lives, neither of us have an 'attachment' issue. He has a childminder. He regularly goes to pals houses - hes gone on holidays with friends families over the years etc. He's in cubs and has had many camping weekends away, and I've never felt the need to ring him. I love when I get a break from him and never worry about him when someone else has him (as bad as that sounds!).
So how do I make this final break and get him to WANT to go to his own room at bedtime...and get me to WANT my own room for myself?????

goodmum

You've said it yourself OP. It's your problem, not your sons.
He will continue to sleep with you until you allow him.
I can understand that you would want him to be in your bed (Im a single mum too) and I dont necessarily believe that you are doing him any harm. He should grow out of this himself..naturally..
But its consistency and perseverence on your part that will encourage him to sleep in his own bed.
Best of luck OP

Nevyn

Have you tried sticking a hotwater bottle in with him when you go to bed yourself?

LegacyUser

Unfortunately, he heats up during the night and spends his night taking his pjs off and kicking the covers off if he's in his own room. so the hot water bottle wouldnt work..
Hes in his own room tonight but has just shouted down that he needs 'bodywarm'....
How long does it take to break a habit?
Its not like Im sick of it. I just know it needs to stop...for both of us...

LegacyUser

This is a pretty young site. My hope was that there were some nineteen or twenty year olds who remember sleeping with their parents at ten, and also remember how they eventually learned to feel safe in their own room/bed....
Anyone?

Dwn Wth Vwls

Have you talked to him about his reasons? If he goes away for weekends and stays with other people, he must sleep on his own then. What's different when he's at home?

They say it takes 21 days to form a habit.

Acoshla

Hiya,

I'm 25, I slept in between my parents until they split up when I was 6 (only child), then I slept in my Mom's bed until I was 11ish. I had a beautiful room right next door, but I just liked the company

Eventually I just kind of realised that I was the only one of my friends who did this, around 6th class I started staying in my own room every second night, and then it just became my routine to go to my own room, it'd be where I'd left my pyjamas, where my book was, and I realised how much I loved leaving the radio on all night in there, which I couldn't do in her room.

But my Mom never asked me to sleep in my own room, I decided myself, I'm pretty sure that if she had suggested it I would've done similar to your son's reaction

Could you possibly start making your room less desirable for him? Get up early and disturb him with noise, make the room too hot or too cold for him to put up with? My Mom used to leave Sky News on all night, guaranteed to make me storm out at 2am

Truley

Unregistered wrote: »

This is a pretty young site. My hope was that there were some nineteen or twenty year olds who remember sleeping with their parents at ten, and also remember how they eventually learned to feel safe in their own room/bed....
Anyone?

At ten I was at an age where I would be absolutely mortified if my peers thought I was sleeping in my parent's bed. That would have been enough to put me off doing it.

Do your son's friends know he still sleeps with you? Maybe encourage him to have friends stay the night the odd time so he will have to use his bedroom and without sounding too harsh maybe he will feel a bit of pressure to appear grown up and able to sleep in his own room

LegacyUser

6th class? Arrgghh!!

I have discussed it with him - whats the difference when he sleeps alone on camps or in pals, or even when he has pals come here (he sleeps in his own room then of course!) and he says 'But mam, what;s the point in you being in one bed, and me being in the other, in the same house? When we sleep in your bed, it's just so warm & cosy'
He's a young ten. When I say that, I mean academically, he does well..his pals are eleven and 12 and he's well able to keep up with them. But when it comes to our relationship, he's still very pet-ish. I love it of course....

Ive made my room less uncomfortable for him already - I've no tv, I read at night, the lamp drives him mad...but still, he wants to stay with me....

Acoshla

So he spends the night kicking pj's off but says he likes the warmth in your bed? Sounds like he's stalling to stay there. I was 10/11 in 6th class, and had it in my head that I had to be in my own bed by Secondary school when I'd be a "grown up".

Maybe you could just do an older version of Supernanny does with toddlers that won't go to bed, give him no choice but his own bed, endure the few nights of hell until he realises you won't cave in.

Tbh I would've thought that a boy would be less inclined to stay in his mother's bed so long, it was always "Just Us Girls" with my Mom and I so I thought it was ok.

Kooli

Unregistered wrote: »

6th class? Arrgghh!!

I have discussed it with him - whats the difference when he sleeps alone on camps or in pals, or even when he has pals come here (he sleeps in his own room then of course!) and he says 'But mam, what;s the point in you being in one bed, and me being in the other, in the same house? When we sleep in your bed, it's just so warm & cosy'
He's a young ten. When I say that, I mean academically, he does well..his pals are eleven and 12 and he's well able to keep up with them. But when it comes to our relationship, he's still very pet-ish. I love it of course....

Ive made my room less uncomfortable for him already - I've no tv, I read at night, the lamp drives him mad...but still, he wants to stay with me....

the bit in bold is important.
If you love the fact that he's reliant on you, then that is definitely coming across to him, so I imagine your message that he should go back to his own room is not coming across in a consistent way.

It is in his own best interests to be in his own room, so you need to sort out in your own mind what need of yours is being met by having him in your bed. Because whether you mean it to or not, this is being communicated to him.

How do you answer his question about 'what's the point of being in different beds when we can be in the same bed?'

seraphimvc

i heard the 'irish mums are in training' story and i dont really believe it until now. OP what you need to do is just tell straight to him that he is a big boy now and he should sleep on his own like everybody does. Depends on how mature you want him to be or what kinda 'wrong' concept you are willing to use to trick him :pac:, you can pull in something like even girls dont even sleep with their mummy now, mummy needs to rest properly, privacy etc.

the attitude of yours will make him spoilt in future, be a mum sometimes you have to be harsh and strong on kids or they will never learn - my mum throw my pacifier out the window to stop me sticking with it when i was young lol

ash23

When I split with my ex I moved into a place and while moving a load of stuff was being stored in my daughters bedroom so she was sleeping in with me.
It was fine, she liked it, I liked it.
But it wasn't healthy for me to be using her as basically a replacement for a partner in my bed.
A week or two later I got her room sorted and made her go to bed in her room.
She kicked up a bit but I was firm and told her that my room was mine. She isn't allowed to have friends in there or play in there and she has to knock and wait for me to respond before she comes in.
Similarly I do the same with her bedroom.

She used to come into me a few times a night with "bad dreams" but I'd get up and bring her back to her own bed. I ended up getting a dream catcher and that put paid to that excuse. Then came the "I'm thirsty" so I started bringing a drink up to her before I went to bed. That died out too.


Now she rarely comes into me at night.


You need to be firm with your son. He is the child, you are the adult.
He will be hitting puberty soon and then it will be plain creepy that he is sharing a bed with you imo.
What if you meet someone and have to turf your son out to have your new partner in your bed? Your son would be so resentful.

Knock it on the head op. Take two weeks annual leave during the summer and get it sorted. You won't have to worry about missing sleep then and you'll be able to stick to it.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

So how do I make this final break and get him to WANT to go to his own room at bedtime...and get me to WANT my own room for myself?????

By being consistant. Up until now, you have not been. By putting your foot down and then allowing him back again, you've basically been telling him that if he complains enough, he'll get back in.
He is waaaaay too old for this kind of carry on and from what you say, he's happy to sleep in other places and only does this at home.
This is down to you now.
You MUST be consistant and firm in your approach.
During his summer holidays, take a few days off coming up to a weekend if you think your sleep will be disturbed too much.
He will eventually get used to the idea once he realises this is it and he is never getting back into your bed.

LegacyUser

If you know that you aren't going to be able to be firm and that you are just going to cave each time then do it incrementally as it sounds like you are having just as much trouble as he is bringing this to an end.

Put a thin mattress on the floor of your room with a blanket or sleeping bag. tell him your bed is for you but if he really needs to be near you or comes in during the night then he can sleep in your room on his own little bed. At least that will get him and you not needing the physical closeness during the night and hopefully it won't be very comfortable and he'll choose his own bed.

Obviously it would be 100% better if you would just be firm that he needs to sleep in his own bed. If you follow through with this then do all the comforting in his room. If he hollers out then comes to your room, walk him back to bed and stay with him for 5 minutes then leave.

You need to tell yourself that as a parent your job is to help your child grow up to be a healthy productive parent. At each developmental stage that means changes - giving them more independence, more responsibility etc... If you treat him as a younger child than he is because you like him still being your little boy you are really doing him a disservice. You have to help him mature and grow up. Your relationship with him will change and you may miss the little boy but you can still have a great relationship with him.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys, they're really helpful.
As I said at the start, I know this is as much (if not more) my problem as it is, his.
To the poster who said put him on a matress in my room - I couldn't do that. I doubt it would work anyway - it's the physical closeness that comforts him.
As I also said, I have had no problem detaching from him in any other way. If anyone wants to bring him anywhere, I always say yes. I've done that from the start. I knew I'd be parenting alone from the time I was pregnant, and was conscious that he had to be a socialable kid who could mix well, and he is.
Im not a clingy mam - I dont hang around to see him play soccer matches etc - he's quite independent in so many other ways.
Tonight is night one. He's gone to bed and is in his own room. Still awake but it's just gone nine...and I'm determined that this is the start...

carolmon

If it helps just try to think about how you'd feel about a father sharing a bed and this physical closeness with his 10 year old daughter.............you'd know that boundaries had to be put in place. Same for your son.

LegacyUser

COMPLETELY disagree with what you are suggesting there.

Anyway, nite one and SUCCESS!!! He only woke an hour ago - loads of high fives, he's very, very proud of himself.
Roll on night two...thanks again folks - sometimes all you need is to write stuff like this down, when you're actually going through it. Without having another adult to discuss this with at bedtime, I find it's just easier to cave in.
Anyway, thanks again.

carolmon

Unregistered wrote: »

COMPLETELY disagree with what you are suggesting there.

Certainly wasn't suggesting anything other than it's necessary to establish boundaries between parents and their growing children, thought thinking about it like that might be helpful in helping you detach since you asked for advice.

LegacyUser

Just wanted to say.....Night THREE!!. Something seems to have happened with him..it's like he's proud of himself every morning...I've made a few other changes for him these last few days..encouraged him to make his own breakfast (I mean choosing what he wants and making it himself) dressing himself (picking his own clothes out) and showering himself (without any input from me from start to finish, including putting the towel in the linen basket)
He's delighted with himself...
Long may it last...thanks again..I feel liberated :-)

goodmum

Well done OP!
You said that this was as much about you as it was about your son. Perhaps something has changed in you too??
For what it's worth, my nephew is 16 and his mam STILL picks out his clothes for him each morning...:rolleyes:..perhaps its the Irish mammy syndrome, or perhaps its the laziness of boys...who knows!
Best of luck:D