Wife and Kids

Kid Curry

Just wanted to run this by a few of the men here.

My cousin who is also my good friend is married and has a one year old child and they are expecting a second. My cuz works full time and his wife stays at home. My cousin plays GAA at senior level and goes training a few times a week and plays match at weekends. His wife insists that if he goes training he must take the baby with him even though she doesn't work and stays home all day. I know she's pregnant but that just seems over the top.

She never liked the fact that he played alot of sport because this meant he wasn't home with her, so I think she is laying the ground work to put pressure on him to give up ball. What do you think???

On another point, I've also noticed amongst other friends and family that where the wife stays at home and minds the kids, when the husband comes home the women say "my work is done for the day" and give the kid to the husband for the rest of the night. As if the work the husband has been doing all day accounts for nothing and they wives have been doing all the hard work.

Khannie

Kid Curry wrote: »

She never liked the fact that he played alot of sport because this meant he wasn't home with her, so I think she is laying the ground work to put pressure on him to give up ball. What do you think???

Sounds like it. It's obviously not practical to take a baby training with you.

Kid Curry wrote: »

On another point, I've also noticed amongst other friends and family that where the wife stays at home and minds the kids, when the husband comes home the women say "my work is done for the day" and give the kid to the husband for the rest of the night. As if the work the husband has been doing all day accounts for nothing and they wives have been doing all the hard work.

Gross generalistion. You try staying in a house all day on your own with kids and let me know how excited you are that somone's about to walk through the door and give you a break from them. Don't know how my wife does it tbh.

Nevyn

A few times a week, what is that 2/3 nights out of 5 week nights and then a match at the weekend? While she's at home all day with the kid and is pregant? I can understand her being pissed off if she is missing him, isn't getting any time for her self and he's out of the house 50 hours a week for work and then 15hours + on top of that.

I know of somoene who is married to a county level player who then left the team and she was thinking thank fúck cos she'd have a life again and get to see her husband and the 3 kids would see more of him but he took on coaching two teams and she saw him less. How they are still a family is beyond me, thankfully her kids are at least no longer babies and she has her mother to mind them so she can get out to do something for herself now and then.

It's no joke when your at home doing all the child care and running the house to have your spouse hardly ever there to give a hand or just spend time with the family.

CDfm

OK- I hear you man. Been there done that

God I dont envy any young couple with one and one on the way. Did that with potty training. UGH.

One of the issues is going to be pure boredom on her part or even some family time. So it is not one sided -social isolation is a big thing too.

On the take the baby to training -well it is a tad funny. And if it isnt too much of an inconvenience while she is pregnant -why not. If he needs to get a sitter ask the club.

I also get his side. Football is a great release from tension of work and keeping fit. He won't be the only guy in the situation. He is also not out in the pub etc.

So I would see how it goes. GAA is a big commitment but family has a priority and the efforts and sarifices of WAGs are not always appreciated by the clubs

Maybe he should speak to the trainer etc on it -that would be what i would do rather than being bound with what other guys have done.

mfceiling

I kind of agree with this.

My missus gave up her work to look after our 3.
She has moaned non stop about being tired even though she wanted to leave her job to be a full time mum.
I do a huge amount of work around the house from bathing to cooking, housework, washing, etc.
I understand she is tired - it is bloody hard work but.............i think it's now become a habit for her to say she is tired.

In the past few weeks i've had to go to london to work - 11 days on 5 days off.
My mum texted my missus last week to see how she was coping - she didn't reply so my mum called me to see was everything alright.
When i asked my missus she replied "she was too busy with the kids to reply" - i didn't mention the posts i had seen on facebook where she wasn't too busy to upload photos and chat with her mates!!

Please don't slag me off by saying it's hard for her etc.
I know it's hard - today she's gone to get her hair done, lunch with friends and a look round the shops while i'm at home doing the family stuff.
Even though i'm working 12-13 hour days 11 days at a time i don't even say i'm tired as she'll go into a rant about "you don't know what tired is" - i'm in construction and when you are throwing 80-110 sheets of plasterboard on to walls and ceilings every day well......it is tiring but hey that's the breaks and it beats being on the dole!!

Even when i call home at night she doesn't ask how things are with me or tell me how things are at home - it's more a case of i'm wrecked, i'm shattered, i'm tired etc.......

I was at home unemployed for a few weeks and i did as much as was possible to help but the first sign of stress and it's "you do nothing round here to help"........i can't win!!

It's hard to say but maybe the women from the last generation just got on with looking after the kids, house etc while this generation want credit for everything from leaving out the bin to changing a nappy!!

Again don't have a go..........i know it's hard - i have done it for weeks on end myself but it doesn't leave me "shattered, wrecked exhausted"

How do folks can afford kids and stuff is beyond me, I'm single and on good money thankfully but supporting a wife and family and household on it scares me to be honest.

CDfm

It is hard. I am divorced and dont calculate where the money goes but it does.

If a guy had to calculate the situation financially based on a marriage plan based on his own pocket money and how much it costs i imagine life would be very much different

i have seen relationship checklists like this one

(dont be put off by the title as I posted it on PI twice for girls evaluating their relationships and they found it very useful)

http://www.thatbitchbook.com/due_diligence.html

boobar

mfceiling wrote: »

I kind of agree with this.

My missus gave up her work to look after our 3.
She has moaned non stop about being tired even though she wanted to leave her job to be a full time mum.
I do a huge amount of work around the house from bathing to cooking, housework, washing, etc.
I understand she is tired - it is bloody hard work but.............i think it's now become a habit for her to say she is tired.

In the past few weeks i've had to go to london to work - 11 days on 5 days off.
My mum texted my missus last week to see how she was coping - she didn't reply so my mum called me to see was everything alright.
When i asked my missus she replied "she was too busy with the kids to reply" - i didn't mention the posts i had seen on facebook where she wasn't too busy to upload photos and chat with her mates!!

Please don't slag me off by saying it's hard for her etc.
I know it's hard - today she's gone to get her hair done, lunch with friends and a look round the shops while i'm at home doing the family stuff.
Even though i'm working 12-13 hour days 11 days at a time i don't even say i'm tired as she'll go into a rant about "you don't know what tired is" - i'm in construction and when you are throwing 80-110 sheets of plasterboard on to walls and ceilings every day well......it is tiring but hey that's the breaks and it beats being on the dole!!

Even when i call home at night she doesn't ask how things are with me or tell me how things are at home - it's more a case of i'm wrecked, i'm shattered, i'm tired etc.......

I was at home unemployed for a few weeks and i did as much as was possible to help but the first sign of stress and it's "you do nothing round here to help"........i can't win!!

It's hard to say but maybe the women from the last generation just got on with looking after the kids, house etc while this generation want credit for everything from leaving out the bin to changing a nappy!!

Again don't have a go..........i know it's hard - i have done it for weeks on end myself but it doesn't leave me "shattered, wrecked exhausted"

MfCeiling, you were worried about people having a go, but I for one am in broad agreement with you. I think that parents both need space and time to recharge from both parenting and work. I know a lot of couples where one (could be the husband could be the wife) seem to do the lion's share of the work and the other just rides roughshod over them.

I hope you and your wife can agree a reasonable approach to sharing the workload for the future......cos if you can't it will lead to a life of resentment.

The Corinthian

Kid Curry wrote: »

She never liked the fact that he played alot of sport because this meant he wasn't home with her, so I think she is laying the ground work to put pressure on him to give up ball. What do you think???

I don't think he should have to give up sport, but at the same time neither do I think he should not help with childcare when he is out of work either. Small children are an extremely taxing job and it would be unfair to lumber his wife with that 24/7. What would be fair is that he takes over from her half of the time he is at home - that means they are both doing the same number of hours.

On another point, I've also noticed amongst other friends and family that where the wife stays at home and minds the kids, when the husband comes home the women say "my work is done for the day" and give the kid to the husband for the rest of the night. As if the work the husband has been doing all day accounts for nothing and they wives have been doing all the hard work.

That is the other extreme, and I've heard of it happening. As I suggested above, it is unfair for either parent to have to work 24/7 and this has to be pointed out to her.

r3nu4l

Khannie wrote: »

Gross generalistion. You try staying in a house all day on your own with kids and let me know how excited you are that somone's about to walk through the door and give you a break from them. Don't know how my wife does it tbh.

That's my take on it to be honest. I really don't know how my wife does it. She has friends over when she can, visits friends when she can but babies are very, very taxing at times and some days when I get home, my wife is at the end of her tether and just delighted to have some support.

Having kids is a responsibility that shouldn't be taken lightly. If you are going to have kids you MUST be prepared to sacrifice certain elements of your life from your pre-kid days imo. If that means your mate reduces his commitment to GAA then that's what has to be done. He can't expect to just carry on as it was before.

Noffles

I see this scenario in a number of families in my area and do not envy them one iota, it must be a nightmare..
In one particular family, when the father comes home from work his missus says thank God, my work is done for the day and basically hands it over to him... three kids all under 10... **** that I would say, not as if he's done nowt all day!
Trouble is, if you have multiples of kids all close together then tough ****, you have to put up with all the **** that comes with it, you planned all this and "made your bed" now sleep in it... personally my lad is well old enough now and am delighted to get away from babies forever... and moaning partners!

Hellrazer

r3nu4l wrote: »

That's my take on it to be honest. I really don't know how my wife does it. She has friends over when she can, visits friends when she can but babies are very, very taxing at times and some days when I get home, my wife is at the end of her tether and just delighted to have some support.

Agree 100%--We`ve 2 under 3(on top of the two older ones) and the 2 of them are a handful-actually the 2 of them are more than a handful-theyre like partners in crime--I honestly dont know how my wife copes.I come in at 6.00 and she goes "off duty" so to speak.I get them ready for bed,baths,supper,bed time stories etc most nights but you know something its something I look forward to all day.Id miss that time with them if I didnt have it.
My wifes in college at night aswell and one full weekend a month so that gives me time with the kids.I`d really hate to be like my own father was ie working all the hours under the sun and not seeing the kids and missing that time with them even though they drive you insane at every opportunity.

xsiborg

Hellrazer wrote: »

Agree 100%--We`ve 2 under 3(on top of the two older ones) and the 2 of them are a handful-actually the 2 of them are more than a handful-theyre like partners in crime--I honestly dont know how my wife copes.I come in at 6.00 and she goes "off duty" so to speak.I get them ready for bed,baths,supper,bed time stories etc most nights but you know something its something I look forward to all day.Id miss that time with them if I didnt have it.
My wifes in college at night aswell and one full weekend a month so that gives me time with the kids.I`d really hate to be like my own father was ie working all the hours under the sun and not seeing the kids and missing that time with them even though they drive you insane at every opportunity.

i just wanted to thank this and to say that the OP's mate is coming across as rather selfish tbh! i dont like commenting on personal circumstances but some of the posts in this thread read like they should be in the ranting and raving forum. children are a responsibility and a gift, and shouldn't be seen as a burden! the bitterness and resentment in this thread is appalling. i work sixteen sometimes twenty hours a day, some at home, some out on call, but my wife works 24 hours a day as far as i can see, so any time i can give her a break i do, while i get to spend time with my son, the bonus is that she gets to blow off some steam and is more ready to tackle the mundanity that is housework and minding our son.

i would never like my wife to think that i take her work for granted, her work is far more mentally stressful and draining than any work i do! i'd love to say to those men that think their wife "does nothing all day and then hands over the kids", man up and put all that pent up frustration and negative emotional energy into working on your relationship and your family. nobody will give a damn or thank you for working your ass off or for turning up for every training session with the lads, but your children and your wife will appreciate you putting them first, so you have to ask yourself where your priorities lie and who matters to you the most- your boss and the lads, or your family? family should always come first, they'll outlast any job or friends you have, and if they're happy, trust me, you will be too because your efforts will be both reciprocated and rewarded.

tl;dr version- man-up and dont be such whingers! :rolleyes:

The Corinthian

xsiborg wrote: »

tl;dr version- man-up and dont be such whingers! :rolleyes:

Whatever about the context of this particular thread, I do find this particular cliche to be a rather odious and damaging one. It seems to be the basis of why men today are seemingly happy to allow double standards between the sexes or even as a justification for abuse or exploitation.

Real men don't complain when they are physically attacked by women, after all. And real men should be providers, while a woman is always the primary carer. Real men should take everything on the chin and never 'whinge' that they are victims.

It's rather sad how this stereotypical view of one of the sexes' responsibilities has remained unchanged, even as the other sex has rewritten many of theirs.

TBH, from what I can see for someone to 'man up' on the basis that it is simply expected is more a puppet than a man.

Noffles

xsiborg wrote: »

i just wanted to thank this and to say that the OP's mate is coming across as rather selfish tbh! i dont like commenting on personal circumstances but some of the posts in this thread read like they should be in the ranting and raving forum. children are a responsibility and a gift, and shouldn't be seen as a burden! the bitterness and resentment in this thread is appalling. i work sixteen sometimes twenty hours a day, some at home, some out on call, but my wife works 24 hours a day as far as i can see, so any time i can give her a break i do, while i get to spend time with my son, the bonus is that she gets to blow off some steam and is more ready to tackle the mundanity that is housework and minding our son.

i would never like my wife to think that i take her work for granted, her work is far more mentally stressful and draining than any work i do! i'd love to say to those men that think their wife "does nothing all day and then hands over the kids", man up and put all that pent up frustration and negative emotional energy into working on your relationship and your family. nobody will give a damn or thank you for working your ass off or for turning up for every training session with the lads, but your children and your wife will appreciate you putting them first, so you have to ask yourself where your priorities lie and who matters to you the most- your boss and the lads, or your family? family should always come first, they'll outlast any job or friends you have, and if they're happy, trust me, you will be too because your efforts will be both reciprocated and rewarded.

tl;dr version- man-up and dont be such whingers! :rolleyes:

In a nutshell, as I said, you made you bed now you have to sleep in it... but having to "man up" that's rubbish in my opinion, complaining about something is not failing to be a man... it's human.

xsiborg

The Corinthian wrote: »

Whatever about the context of this particular thread, I do find this particular cliche to be a rather odious and damaging one. It seems to be the basis of why men today are seemingly happy to allow double standards between the sexes or even as a justification for abuse or exploitation.

Real men don't complain when they are physically attacked by women, after all. And real men should be providers, while a woman is always the primary carer. Real men should take everything on the chin and never 'whinge' that they are victims.

i am wholly in agreement with you on this one Corinthian, no man, no person, should ever let their self esteem be chipped away by an abusive spouse, be they male or female. im not saying i live in little house on the prairie land, of course we have our arguments and disagreements, i'll be the first to admit i can be very hot headed and stubborn, and so is my wife, but we usually work it out when we both calm down.

The Corinthian wrote: »

It's rather sad how this stereotypical view of one of the sexes' responsibilities has remained unchanged, even as the other sex has rewritten many of theirs.

My view may be what some consider to be "old fashioned", but it works for me, and thankfully my wife supports my way of thinking, and I support and encourage her in everything she does too! just because feminism is on the rise, doesnt mean i should feel pressured to try and be something im not just to please others amongst my gender. some women believe it or not dont like feminism's ideals and prefer to work at home! i only say this because many times my wife has felt undervalued in her self esteem simply because feminism has put tremendous pressure on women, and women put pressure on themselves, to be everything- the working "mom", (hate that americanism!).

The Corinthian wrote: »

TBH, from what I can see for someone to 'man up' on the basis that it is simply expected is more a puppet than a man.

i dont expect any of the previous posters will change their opinions based on what i have posted here. if we are to talk about what is expected then the idea is that they would be expected to be a resonsible husband first and foremost, then a responsible father. perhaps i mis-used the phrase "man up", but the sentiment was basically take some responsibility and do something about it if you're not happy! i'd consider a man more of a puppet if he chose to stay in a relationship he wasnt happy in, simply because society says he has a responsibility to do so! in fact, he's not just a puppet, he's a martyr!

xsiborg

Noffles wrote: »

In a nutshell, as I said, you made you bed now you have to sleep in it... but having to "man up" that's rubbish in my opinion, complaining about something is not failing to be a man... it's human.

i can't get the hang of multiquote so apologies that, but Noffles, just because you said it, doesnt make it so. You base your opinion on very little, because not once did i say i was unhappy or resentful or that i'd "made my bed". i know people that find themselves in situations like that though and its usually that they stay out of guilt, or the other extreme- a fear of the unknown, independence.

i dont feel any of that, i feel quite happy with my wife. what gets me in this thread is the lack of personal responsibility and the, well, almost bitterness that permeates some of the posts. im not generally one to get so worked up about something like this but there are two sides to every story and i feel like we are only getting one side. do any of the previous posters ever ask themselves "do i take my wife for granted, is that why she feels she cant cope? maybe i should learn to compromise and we both wouldnt feel so disheartened.

ps- both my parents worked full time, father in bord na mona for thirty years before he set up his own business, my mother a teacher for forty years, so im not as "traditional" in my way if thinking as you might think! i've seen what it's like in a two parent working family and i chose that i wouldnt want that for my children!