I just want to see my daughter

maudgin

Hi,
I'm broke up with my g/f of 2 and half years who 5 months ago gave birth to my child. I am so devestated over but my one saving grace was seeing my daughter but now I can't because she is mad with me. We agreed I would have her twice a week and I would help out in anyway I could but anytime I text or ring her to ask how they where, she would barely reply or not even reply at all. I suggested that we would be friends for the sake of our daughter, which she agreed with but then when I would offer to help she just blanked me. It came to a head when I was bringing her out for the day, I called over and she kept stalling and stalling (not in a your not leaving way) but in a "oh hold on I just have to do this" kinda way. Just as I was about to leave she said to drop her back in 2 hours even though I live 12 miles away! I had a row with her about how I want to spend time with my daughter and now It looks like I have to go to court. I'm really upset because I lived with her for the first 4 months contributing to every bill, buying her things, not letting her put her hand in her pocket, while she saved all her money.All this while her making it clear it was her house and what she said goes and If I didn't like it I could leave. If something went wrong she would kick me out or if she was in a bad mood I had to go and I put up with it so I could see my daughter. She was abusive to me infront of my infant child, She got drunk and hit me, accused me of not being good with money despite the fact I bought her anything she needed. Now her family think I just left her and bailed out, they don't know the life that I had, nor does anybody. I can't tell anyone about the abusiveness or the jackyll and hyde personality. No, because I'm a man and I should be stronger but I'm not. I am about ready to crack up. I payed maintanance to her in cash because she was on the dole and now my solicitor say's that I can't prove anything so she can say I'm a deadbeat dad. I pray to god for help because I don't look to the future in hope just trepidation.

The_Joker

Firstly let me commend you for having the courage to post your problems here.
It's difficult when it's only a recent split and to make things worse you have to fight to see your daughter!

The part about stalling and wanting you to be back in two hours is understandable as your ex doesn't want to be separated from your daughter and the mixed emotions and fear of anything happening while you and the baby are away from the nest can be overwhelming. But then again she has to realise that you have those feelings too and you need to be around your daughter as much as your ex does.

As for being a "MAN" and being stronger don't let that weigh too much on your mind it's a dull and outdated social perception.
Ok you are the guy in the equation you feel it's put on you to be strong and provide for your child yet put up with your ex GF and the tantrums and abuse she throws at you! Well we are all different and have different ways of dealing with our feelings. it's not right the way she is treating you this is still a relationship although you and your ex are not with each other you both have a child together that bond will always be there.

As for the abuse you suffered while you were with her It's disgraceful and of course when it's behind closed doors only two people know the truth.
Be sure to talk to your solicitor about this aspect of the relationship.
Your solicitor says you can't prove you have contributed to their upkeep, surely you have receipts from banks for rent or bills?

It's sad when two people have to get the law involved to decided who is the better half and who has more rights as a parent, judging by your post it seems one sided, your ex seems to be the one who is trying to shut you out of your daughters life which is wrong.

You will get to see your young one soon and regularly you sound like a genuine guy and I can see things getting better for you.
And don't forget at the end of the day every child needs their Dad so keep your chin up and think of the good times you have ahead of you and all the fun times you will share with your little girl.

Keep us up to date on how things are going.

maudgin

Thanks for your reply,
I'm just sick of being wrong in peoples eyes, alot of people assume I'm the one who's just fecked off because I'm not there but If I could I would but I have no choice. I wouldn't care about anything else but for anyone to think that I don't care kills me. I love my daughter and every day I don't see her breaks my heart.

When I lived with her I was paying rent on my own place because I wasn't formally invited to move in, just stay on her terms.l was also contributing to her house and groceries as well but I have nothing in terms of proof only my bank statements.She would approach me about a bill and I'd just give her the money. I thought probably stupidly that people don't turn like this on someone so I didn't ask for receipts and I didn't want to affect her dole or rent allowance.

I probably come across as awful naive and stupid, I was told by my family that she was capable of these things but I was in love and It took some bad things to happen before I had enough. The thing is though, I always believed that If you treated people right you wouldn't have to worry.
I'm going to put my head down and get on with things for my daughter because I know I can't give up because I want her to know her Dad isn't a monster or a deadbeat or anything else like that. I probably seem like a pure moaner or someone who feels the world has caved in and everything is bad but I go to work everyday with my right side out, I don't let my family worry because lord knows they would and I try and be happy, polite, courtious to everyone and I try and not burden anyone because we all have crosses to bear but sometimes things just drag you down hence my early hour posts.
Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.

littlefriend

Sorry you are having a hard time. You sound like a lovely guy.

Was she always like this - is it possible that she has postnatal depression or something similar?

ash23

My advice to you would be to get a court date as soon as possible. In the meantime suggest mediation to her (in writing). Also set up a direct debit for a fair amount of maintenance. Try and agree a set amount of time that you would see your daughter and put it in writing to your ex. Do all this via your solicitor if necessary. Do you have guardianship? If not apply for this also.

Then once the court date arrives, you can prove you made the effort. You can prove you've been paying maintenance and making every attempt to see the child.

Stu

Did you not see the signs that she was a bit of a headcase before you moved in with her. Its as if everything was going well then bang, out of nowhere she turned into a lunatic.

I know love is blind sometimes but i hope you've learnt a lesson from this. Get to really know someone before you move in with and get them pregnant. Being the nice guy doesn't work when your dealing with someone as unhinged as your ex.

I hope you can come to some sort of amicable arrangement with your ex regarding your daughter but you'll probably end up having to go through the courts. I can never understand why any women uses the children to get back at the father for whatever reason. Its disgusting behaviour and your well out of there.

maudgin

She was always like this and to top it off she has post natal depression.
I was used to her insane rages, screaming if she didnt get her way, attention seeking, making demands for money then trying to say I didn't contribute and when asked specifically what she meant she would accuse me of being unreasonable and when my daughter was born it became like hell on earth. I should have saw the signs but love is blind and I really really loved her but as much as I do/did I can never let anyone make me feel like this again.I mean she always on about money and possesions yet she is on the dole for nearly 2 years, She has around 6,000 in savings! How? Because I payed for everything! I don't mean to sound vindictive but when someone that you have supported financially and emotionally because you love them says that you treated them bad and didn't contribute, It really stings especially when practically the opposite is true. I feel totally let down but at least I can go around knowing that even if people don't know the truth God does and at the minute pathetic as it sounds, it's my only solice. Thanks for your replys, I prob sound like a right fool but here is prob the only place I can talk about my problems.
I genuine mean it, I'll prob never meet ye but I hope ye know I'm greatful.

Hi OP I know you paid in cash but surely if you can show you withdrew the relevant amounts on certain dates to give to her that might count for something e.g. you paid her 250 a month and you can show a withdrawal of 250 each month. (I don't know, your solicitor would obv be able to advise if that would work or not, just a suggestion)

I'm sorry to hear this and I wish you the best of luck