Broken inside ever since

LegacyUser

Ok..so in therapy for this aswell, but its not helping, reason Im posting is hopefully to spark some new ideas I can think about or even bring into therapy.
When I see a picture of my ex I feel physically ill. When I think of her with other men I fret and lose it.
September 2 years ago I ended it after 3 years of amazing times and bad times mainly due to me taking breaks breaking it off etc and what happened during that time....
I can't stop driving by her house the past year every night obsessionally without fail hoping to catch a glimpse. sad stuff.
Had the night of my life last halloween met her out and kissed her it was bliss. She felt it too, but reality kicked in when I contacted her a month later wondering why she hadnt been in touch and she said I was just after an ego boost finding out if she still loved me, and it breaks my heart but she's right.
Reality is cruel..although I love her and want to love her I consider myself of higher value as a mate and since leaving her have been doing way better with girls than I used to, and have been really moving forward with my career.
But, I really feel broken inside, and suppose Im safe on this to say, I cry alot over her still, she was like a new mother to me, and we clicked in every way. Just feel like Im going around on borrowed time now (32), and the thoughts of starting again with someone scares me.
Keep telling myself I just havent met the right person yet, fact is childish issues made me break up with the ex and I feel like a different person now, but obviously majorly affected still. It feels like I have a vow to her, to be her hero or something, that I have let her down, and I must return even against my own thoughts.
Anybody help?

katie99

Well if it is not an ego issue and you genuinely feel remorseful for breaking up with her, then tell her how you feel about her.
But ask yourself what is it about her that you miss and makes her special to you.
Why is she like a new mother to you? That bit sounds scary.
Do you want her to mother you? I get the impression from that sentence that you are needy and desperate.
But, the only way to move things forward is to tell her how you feel about her and let her decide in her own time what she wants to do.

kjl

Well tbh, why would she give you another shot? You say you both had such an amazing night with her then why did it take a month to contact her again. Seems to me like you just want what you can't have. I think you need to leave this girl alone, you have put her threw too much already.

Oh and get off your high horse with this higher value mate bulls&#t. You have some sort of ego problem. That is what I would try to figure out in therapy, why you think you are so much better than her because as an outsider looking in, you look like a stalker.

Truley

OP if you care even a little bit for the poor girl then just leave her alone. It doesn't even sound like you miss her that much. I think what is upsetting you is the thought of her moving on with her life and being able to cope without you. You want to feel like she needs you. Please just leave her alone it's been two years now.

You said yourself you have a bit of a hero complex, I think that is what you need to work on with your therapist.

LegacyUser

Having a bit more of a real day today.
fact is Im not ready to be there for her 100%. I havent found anyone else yet, but Im sure the time will come. Then she will sadly become a distant memory, like friends and pets Ive buried. I really want to be with her, but I just cant do it in case something better comes along. Im such a ****ed up asshole. In ten minutes time I will think differently again! Messed up.

Denimgirl

paradise_lost2008 wrote: »

Having a bit more of a real day today.
fact is Im not ready to be there for her 100%. I havent found anyone else yet, but Im sure the time will come. Then she will sadly become a distant memory, like friends and pets Ive buried. I really want to be with her, but I just cant do it in case something better comes along. Im such a ****ed up asshole. In ten minutes time I will think differently again! Messed up.

In case something better comes along?!? your putting yourself through all this and going to therapy because you have feelings for this girl but don't want to get back incase you might see someone else you like more?!?! thats is just ridiculous!! I think yoiu know deep down she's the one for you but you so scared of commitment you make up excuses in your head!it's time to grow up and be a man!teenage days are over!you have to stop being self absorbed and having such a high opinion of yourself!I don't think your ready to go out with anybody at the moment yoiu need to get to know yourself and stop being superficial and get real!she may never give you another chance as you probably hurt her so much breaking up with her,but you should work on your own fickle personality first before entering any relationshio at the mo.

LegacyUser

Op, can you expand on the following:

1: You say you feel that you are of higher value as a mate. Can you elaborate on this and say why you feel superior?

2-You mention that it was you yourself who ended the relationship and that you did this on more than one occasion. Why did you end the relationship? You also make reference to what happened one your "breaks". I take it you were seeing other women? Explain.

3-You say you love her but cannot commit to her in case someone better comes along. Can you: a- explain as best you can, what "to love" means to you.
b- explain what you mean when you say "someone better". In what way better?

up for anything

paradise_lost2008 wrote: »

Having a bit more of a real day today.
fact is Im not ready to be there for her 100%. I havent found anyone else yet, but Im sure the time will come. Then she will sadly become a distant memory, like friends and pets Ive buried. I really want to be with her, but I just cant do it in case something better comes along. Im such a ****ed up asshole. In ten minutes time I will think differently again! Messed up.

You're taking the piss! :rolleyes: If you are genuinely not, it's time to head to your GP and get some mental health advice.

catmelodian

Be with her until something better comes along. Everyone's a winner.

LegacyUser

catmelodian wrote: »

Be with her until something better comes along. Everyone's a winner.

Everyones a winner except the poor girl who gets used as a fallback option and dropped without a second thought when "someone better" comes along.

seenitall

catmelodian wrote: »

Be with her until something better comes along. Everyone's a winner.

The most horrible, insensitive and inappropriate advice that I have encoutered on the PI/RI fora yet (granted, it's only been 2 months, but I'm not the queen of sensitivity myself). OP is very clearly too involved with his own self-esteem and out-of-control-ego issues to be in any state for a relationship. Everyone's a winner? I really don't think so. The girl got it right in one when she felt the ego-boost vibe off him and would be a fool to let someone as messed up as that into her life to play havoc with her emotions.

OP, keep at that therapy/counselling. I can't see you ever having a healthy relationship with anyone as long as you don't have your issues dealt with.

Canard

Just as a note, I'm pretty sure it was sarcasm.

catmelodian

catmelodian wrote: »

Be with her until something better comes along. Everyone's a winner.

I don't see the problem with this? It was definitely not sarcasm.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for the replies.
The last few posts about being with her are interesting, maybe if we got back I would sort myself out by not even realising, but to be honest its a ridiculous thought because of the hurt it would cause to both of us no matter what the outcome.
silversilversilver - mate value - generally people get with people of a similar mate value, I would like to possibly shoot slightly above my perceived self value, in order to ensure more successful genes for my children. This, I feel I have no control over, I feel I am being controlled by these unconscious forces, selfish genes if you will.
We broke up a few times , took breaks etc., usually me trying to break away and sow the seeds test the water have fun etc all very selfish stuff. I should mention here that this was my first proper relationship. When we broke up for the longest period of 3 months, and eventually I decided I couldnt be without her, came crawling back, discovered she had been seeing other people and it broke me, I know now its normal for her to try her best to move on, it was just so tough for me to take, even thinking of it now is making my head boil and fret...haha I dont enjoy being like this! So theres water under the bridge Im struggling with still, I completely understand why she would do those things I dont own her or we werent going out, but it just hurts. Starting with someone new would let me begin afresh without the trauma I have inside.
To love? Thats a good question. Im being torn between reason and the heart. My symptoms are a result of this conflict. I see loving her as being the solid dependable man she can count on, I see loving her as making her smile 24/7, I see loving her as having children and a life together. To love...to be faithful, and expect the same. To love...and not suffer from it.
Someone better to me is not something Ive thought about much, maybe someone more educated, harder to bed, with higher self esteem, not so desperate to have kids, with more ambition, and better looking. These are just qualities I see as where she is lacking. Im hardly perfect. But maybe theres someone out there.
She does have amazing qualities too, smart, kind, sexy. But a lot of girls have those qualities.

LegacyUser

catmelodian wrote: »

I don't see the problem with this? It was definitely not sarcasm.

Are you seriously saying that that see no problem with playing with the girls emotions and then dscarding her like a used toy when she`s no longer needed? Do you have any idea what that does to a person?

unclecessna

paradise_lost2008 wrote: »

Thank you so much for the replies.
The last few posts about being with her are interesting, maybe if we got back I would sort myself out by not even realising, but to be honest its a ridiculous thought because of the hurt it would cause to both of us no matter what the outcome.
silversilversilver - mate value - generally people get with people of a similar mate value, I would like to possibly shoot slightly above my perceived self value, in order to ensure more successful genes for my children. This, I feel I have no control over, I feel I am being controlled by these unconscious forces, selfish genes if you will.
We broke up a few times , took breaks etc., usually me trying to break away and sow the seeds test the water have fun etc all very selfish stuff. I should mention here that this was my first proper relationship. When we broke up for the longest period of 3 months, and eventually I decided I couldnt be without her, came crawling back, discovered she had been seeing other people and it broke me, I know now its normal for her to try her best to move on, it was just so tough for me to take, even thinking of it now is making my head boil and fret...haha I dont enjoy being like this! So theres water under the bridge Im struggling with still, I completely understand why she would do those things I dont own her or we werent going out, but it just hurts. Starting with someone new would let me begin afresh without the trauma I have inside.
To love? Thats a good question. Im being torn between reason and the heart. My symptoms are a result of this conflict. I see loving her as being the solid dependable man she can count on, I see loving her as making her smile 24/7, I see loving her as having children and a life together. To love...to be faithful, and expect the same. To love...and not suffer from it.
Someone better to me is not something Ive thought about much, maybe someone more educated, harder to bed, with higher self esteem, not so desperate to have kids, with more ambition, and better looking. These are just qualities I see as where she is lacking. Im hardly perfect. But maybe theres someone out there.
She does have amazing qualities too, smart, kind, sexy. But a lot of girls have those qualities.

Dude, you seriously need to get real and get down off your high horse. If you don't think she is good enough for you (which from your pompous tone sounds VERY questionable to be honest) then just leave her alone to get on with her life and be happy.

It sounds to me that you are just sore because she is happy now and you are not but if you had someone else now too that ticked all your boxes then it would all be ok with you. You sound very, very selfish and full of yourself - and the thing is that people subconciously pick up on these things so don't be suprised if you remain single for a very long time with your current mindset.

You are wasting money on this therapist if they haven't been straight up with you on this like I have. I recommend that you do something else for other people for a year which will stop you obsessing about your own selfish wants and needs.

Seriously, try volunteering for a year with a charity in a third world country. It will make a man out of you instead of the selfish man-child that you are at the moment.

It might sound like I'm having a go at you but I'm really not. I don't believe that most people are all bad, I think people sometimes they lose their way and I think that this is what has happened to you. It's up to you to do something about it though.

changes

paradise_lost2008 wrote: »

Thank you so much for the replies.
The last few posts about being with her are interesting, maybe if we got back I would sort myself out by not even realising, but to be honest its a ridiculous thought because of the hurt it would cause to both of us no matter what the outcome.
silversilversilver - mate value - generally people get with people of a similar mate value, I would like to possibly shoot slightly above my perceived self value, in order to ensure more successful genes for my children. This, I feel I have no control over, I feel I am being controlled by these unconscious forces, selfish genes if you will.
We broke up a few times , took breaks etc., usually me trying to break away and sow the seeds test the water have fun etc all very selfish stuff. I should mention here that this was my first proper relationship. When we broke up for the longest period of 3 months, and eventually I decided I couldnt be without her, came crawling back, discovered she had been seeing other people and it broke me, I know now its normal for her to try her best to move on, it was just so tough for me to take, even thinking of it now is making my head boil and fret...haha I dont enjoy being like this! So theres water under the bridge Im struggling with still, I completely understand why she would do those things I dont own her or we werent going out, but it just hurts. Starting with someone new would let me begin afresh without the trauma I have inside.
To love? Thats a good question. Im being torn between reason and the heart. My symptoms are a result of this conflict. I see loving her as being the solid dependable man she can count on, I see loving her as making her smile 24/7, I see loving her as having children and a life together. To love...to be faithful, and expect the same. To love...and not suffer from it.
Someone better to me is not something Ive thought about much, maybe someone more educated, harder to bed, with higher self esteem, not so desperate to have kids, with more ambition, and better looking. These are just qualities I see as where she is lacking. Im hardly perfect. But maybe theres someone out there.
She does have amazing qualities too, smart, kind, sexy. But a lot of girls have those qualities.

Very interesting post. I interpret form the post that you do not think she is good enough for you, interesting too that you quote a richard dawkins book - selfish gene. That is pretty stark reading and not a book i'd look to for answers on love.

To summarise, you think she lacks ambition, could be better looking, not educated enough, not challenging enough for you (doormat), self esteem too low.
If someone came along who blew you away you would be with them in a flash and would not give this gilr a second thought (beyond a little pity maybe)

I say move on and give this girl a chance to do the same.

By the way you are even successful, ambitious, good looking, educated and popualr yourself? You would need to be after all you've said about what this girl lacks.