Not sure what to do! Wife talking inappropriately to ex of 20 years ago!

touchey mac feely

ok so i have posted on here before about my wife of 2 years chatting on FB to her 21 year old ex BF, she is 39 (i am 33) and the feedback i got was kinda confusing! she said to him hes super sexy blah and when he asked her when they will meet she said "we will see". alot of you said she was wrong to do it which i agree with (so does she, after i finally argued with her over it) and alot of you said i was insecure and acting like a baby, which is kinda true. I think she has really turned me into an angry jealous person because of alot of her behaviour (too much to go into)

but anyway, i got over the 21 year old ex and we moved on...

now i face the same problem with her again but this time with the guy she first had sex with when she was 18. She contacted him on FB (again with FB) and when things were not going well between us she started emailing him and eventually he called her. after the call she sent him a mail saying "i know this sounds weird but i miss you" blah bla i will be thinking about you. few emails on and he is saying he found god and he is a good listener and he can help heal her broken heart bla blah blah i saw these emails as she left it open by mistake. what should i do? i have already argued with her about it and decided to drop it but it is still bothering me. she said she talked about us and he talks about his wife but i know he is divorced and now in a relationship with someone else.

Please give me some constuctive feedback, if you think i am insecure then please tell me and provide me with some help on dealing with it. i dont believe im insecure by the way.

Taltos

Not sure if you will find this constructive or not - but when you go home tonight pack a bag and either leave or ask her to leave.

Clearly she does not respect you or your marriage - and you either need to shock her into reality or end it - as neither of you will be happy and long term who wants to be either angry or with an angry person.

edit: longer term counselling either individual or couples seems like a way to go.

LegacyUser

You gave her a chance and shes gone and done it again. Its going to be tough but its time to pack your bags and don't look back. I'd advise others (though I would never be able to do it myself) to give her the benefit of the doubt the first time but now thats it happened again its quite clear she is up to no good and has 99% cheated. Leave, dont look back, for your own sake just take this advice and dont falter.

whatsamsn

Op,
As for the post you posted before - take some replies on here with a pinch of salt. I've seen threads on here where some users would defend such ridculous actions. Its projectionism. The most common thing that gets brought up here is mistaking a person for being insecure when there is actually something thats not right.

As for the current issue at hand. I know what your feeling. I too would have a problem with what your wife is doing. I believe there are boundaries / things you dont do in relationships that will make your OH uncomfortable. If you sadly end up dating someone who crosses these lines. I think its pretty certain that for a lack of better expression ... they dont give a ***k.



I'd be worried about this other guy on FB now. Clearly by saying he has a wife (you knowing he is divorced but now in a relationship) is a clear, poor way of trying to reassure you - having to lie to do so. Which means she is hiding something. My money is on that they have at least been flirting with each other (you say he rang her) By saying he has a wife it will make you think nothing to worry about - but if that was the case. She wouldnt lie. So theres your answer.



Its not good. Not good at all. First she was chatting to a 21year old ex. Now to another man she had sex with before. Its not good the way she is talking to men she was intimately involved with and flirting with them (super sexy comment) You say the relationship has been rocky the last while - but is her reaction to this to talk to men she has been with before and say "i miss you" ... and to flirt with them? .... On either front, weather there is something more going on, she at least sounds like the type of person who will find "comfort" in other men if things are patchy. (thats going to end up in cheating op)

If you werent married I'd say get the hell out of there. But even then knowing you are married. You should still get the hell out of there. These issues you bring up are the tell tale signs that things are going to get messy. Writing is on the wall op.

grubnose

OP - yes maybe you're insecure at the moment but you have good reason to be based on what you've said. That does NOT mean you are an insecure person. I understand this - being in a similar situation recently and it's fairly crushing - all you need is for her to be honest with you so that you can at least make a decision (i.e. stick around or go). If she's not prepared to level with you all you'll end up doing is becoming more jealous and untrusting - vicious circle really.
I don't know what kind of advise is useful - in some ways I think you have to trust your gut. I know that's not great but there it is. If you get to the stage where you can't believe her at all - just make sure that you're basing that on evidence that she's really lying to you. If you're just guessing about what might be going on you'll drive yourself crazy.
As someone else said maybe pack your bag and threaten to leave - at the very least it will get the discussion kicked off...

LegacyUser

I'd ask her why she feels the need to look up and talk to her exes on facebook. Tell her how it makes you feel, and ask her would she like it if you were looking up exes on facebook. Don't get angry about it, talk to her about it. It's very easy for things to spiral out of control when the discussion becomes heated.

You both married each other for a reason.

Beruthiel

touchey mac feely wrote: »

"i know this sounds weird but i miss you" blah bla i will be thinking about you.

You're not insecure OP. Your wife is acting like a teenager.
What wo/man, who is happily married in a mature adult relationship is sending childish messages like the above?
How does she expect a message like the above to be received?
Is she carrot dangling?
Attention seeking?

Can I ask you, how is it you know so much about her e-mailing habits and what messages she is sending?

Personally speaking, were my other half sending crap like that to other people, they would get the sharp end of my tongue.
There would be a very serious discussion on the state of our relationship, on the grounds that they must not be happy in their present relationship if they are going outside it.

OP
Decide if you wish to remain married to this woman, if you do, the two of ye need to see a professional in order to get to the root of the problem.

tbh

it sounds to me like your wife is a bit of an attention wh....seeker. Honestly, I believe that this kind of thing will happen every time ye run into problems. As I see it, your only choice is to accept it or end it. If your wife is willing to go to relationship councilling, and learn how to confront her problems instead of running away from them, you might have some chance, but I doubt she's got the backbone for it tbh.

FunkZ

Dude you're only 33, get a divorce and get rid of that wench while ya can! Don't stay.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like her?

Miss Fluff

OK, I'm not Carol Vorderman but if she is 39 and the ex is 21, and you have been married to her for two years and presumeably going out with her for a while before then so that means that this bloke, sorry CHILD, would have been about 17 or 18 and she 35 or 36 when they were seeing each other.:eek:

Now she's talking to someone she got the leg-over with when she was 18.

She obviously thinks she is 18 or 19 in her head. And is definitely displaying the (im)maturity of someone of that vintage.

Are you prepared to put up her behaviour? Because quite frankly m'dear she is completely taking the p1ss.

LegacyUser

thank you for your posts

ok so last nite i blew up about this. i have serious concerns when my wife who i truely love talks to another man (her ex from 20 years ago) and tells him she misses him and she will be thinking of him.

so we stopped talking last nite after this, so today she calls me and goes crazy! she says she will call HIM today and have a long conversation with him. She really is a nasty piece of work and knows how to hurt me badly.

she says her ex husband carried on like i do, i can only imagine what she did to him...

i would leave if it wasnt so complicated. i have threatened it, and i have also been putting my suitcase in the car to leave but could not. i have it bad for this woman, its really pathetic i know but i just cant leave.

i think she will leave me for someone else, as someone said the writing is on the wall. i am worried how i will react. when we argue i completly loose it, i have slapped her before in a drunken fit of rage (i feel totally devastated by this) as im not a violent person. She has also slapped me before when i went to leave her. i know all of this sounds really bad but when things are good it is amazing, i couldnt never imagine my life without her, maybe i need to just put up with her behaviour, i dont know, i feel so pathetic its embarrassing

IITYWYBMAD

touchy mac feely wrote: »

....i have it bad for this woman, its really pathetic i know but i just cant leave.

i think she will leave me for someone else, as someone said the writing is on the wall. i am worried how i will react. when we argue i completly loose it, i have slapped her before in a drunken fit of rage (i feel totally devastated by this) as im not a violent person. She has also slapped me before when i went to leave her. i know all of this sounds really bad but when things are good it is amazing, i couldnt never imagine my life without her, maybe i need to just put up with her behaviour, i dont know, i feel so pathetic its embarrassing

I think she is making a complete fool of you. There is no such thing as you "can't" leave. I don't mean this is a macho way but "man the f**k up" and get out while you can. You're only 33, and in a couple of years you will look back at this woman and laugh at how pathetic she is.

If you don't leave, stop moaning about it and just suck it up.

Taltos

OP - I too want to encourage you to leave - and am so incensed by your reply that I cannot do this in a constructive fashion.

Look at what this is doing to you?
> violent
> wife batterer
> wife battered
> being cheated on (whether physical or not it is happening)

Shut that boot on your car and get out of there - just go and see a solicitor now.
This woman has serious issues - ex.. She has done this before. She will never accept she is in the wrong. It will always be your fault. Get out now.

LegacyUser

she is back tomor from work so im sure she will want to tell me how much of a bad person i am for interferring in her personal life (what a nasty piece of work she is)

i have asked her for an explanation about her behaviour several times and she just wont give me one. she just enrages me and i have become a paranoid jealous angry man.

i guess you are right "man the f**k up"

token56

You are well within your rights to expect her to give you an explanation, her not doing so is ridiculous to be honest. Given that this has already happened before and you got over the last time, she is possibly thinking you will just get over it again. You have to make sure she knows that this isn't going away and you want answers, now.

LegacyUser

Harsh truth here OP but I am disappointed by your lack of action. Its quite clear you dont have the balls to leave and THAT is why you will continually get screwed over for the rest of your life. Theres no point in even trying to give you advise because I think its pretty clear if you dont leave her after all of that you never will. I only want to send my sympathies to you, I feel really sorry for you and think the whole situation is pathetic. I left a women I loved for 10 years after she drunkenly kissed another man. We had a house and everything. It was the toughest thing I ever had to do but I did it and now I am very happily married to the beautiful mother of my 3 adorable children and life couldnt be better. I wish for you to have that life I really do but at the end of the day its in your hands and unfortunately your hands seem to tremble with fear. Unfortunate fact of life that some people just get walked all over in life because they simply dont have the courage to stand up for their beliefs or themselves. You are one of them OP. But you dont have to be.

Taltos

Mate

you need to let go of that anger - or stop it controlling you.

Make a decision and stick to it.
Chasing her for an explanation - that just gives her the control - lets her know you care.

It's already over.
Save your pride and save your own self-esteem. Do what you can to protect yourself financially (shared accts etc). Get advice.
Make a plan - and stick to it.

Your marriage has failed - it is not the end of the world - instead it is a chance to regain your life and get back to who you are meant to be.

Don't pester for explanations - all you will get is lies.
Don't let her know you are annoyed - stay calm - uninterested.

Step through what you have to do - step by step - don't focus on the end goal - just focus on getting the next task done - eg pack the bag.

I would say sorry - but to be honest - she is a piece of work - and I pity th next fool that she traps.

Above all else though - be honest with yourself.
Relationships should be that of 2 people - if you sat back and let her control where this went - then take equal responsibility and learn from it so you don't repeat the next time.

legend365

disappoint12 wrote: »

Harsh truth here OP but I am disappointed by your lack of action. Its quite clear you dont have the balls to leave and THAT is why you will continually get screwed over for the rest of your life. Theres no point in even trying to give you advise because I think its pretty clear if you dont leave her after all of that you never will. I only want to send my sympathies to you, I feel really sorry for you and think the whole situation is pathetic. I left a women I loved for 10 years after she drunkenly kissed another man. We had a house and everything. It was the toughest thing I ever had to do but I did it and now I am very happily married to the beautiful mother of my 3 adorable children and life couldnt be better. I wish for you to have that life I really do but at the end of the day its in your hands and unfortunately your hands seem to tremble with fear. Unfortunate fact of life that some people just get walked all over in life because they simply dont have the courage to stand up for their beliefs or themselves. You are one of them OP. But you dont have to be.

+1

Forget her and live your life.

It will take time to rid her from your mind but it will only happen if you get out of there.

LegacyUser

OP please tell me you've left already? Have some self respect.

LegacyUser

here is your update...

yesterday i went to the bar, sat for a long time and really gave it alot of taught. i went home packed that suitcase and left.

LegacyUser

touchy mac feely wrote: »

here is your update...

yesterday i went to the bar, sat for a long time and really gave it alot of taught. i went home packed that suitcase and left.

Well Done

Its the best course of action
You will be better off without her - Stay Strong - and you'll find someone better then her in time.
If you do feel down - remember all the bad and nasty things she has done and dont put her on a pedastal remember any good things - to be honest i think you have enough material to see you through - she is a nasty piece of work and your best of rid off

Respect to you for doing the right thing for you and in general

ManOfMystery

Well done OP.

You could sit around for months and years, nothing would change. That's probably what she expects you to do.

By being assertive and taking action, YOU are now in control of the situation. YOU call the shots.

She might ring you and be angry, or she could ring you and be apologetic. Whatever happens, stick to your guns and don't back down. Don't go back there unless you're absolutely 200% sure she has learnt the error of her ways and it's what YOU want. She will likely say anything at this point in time, but just remember that if you back down now and go back home with your tail between your legs, that's all you'll have to look forward to for the rest of your life. Now is the time for changes to be made.

LegacyUser

Good for you OP - i can't fully relate as wasn't married, but also had an ex (together for 7 years) who persisted in contacting too many females,both new &also including ex's on facebook - I got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore and had to walk away - long distance relationship but in the end it was definitely worth it for my own sanity. Don't know how that can compare with your situation but seeing what a so called bf writes about how he's enjoyed a certain time with a random girl but cannot continue it any longer just broke my heart - i continued the charade for 2 more long years before his escalation of contact with the op sex became just uncontrollable.

I find myself kicking myself that I didn't walk sooner - you only live once and shouldn't waste too much time waiting arond.

I'm sure it feels impossible now but just give it some time and you will be able to come to terms with it. Congrats to you for finding the courage to walk away from such a relationship - it takes guts.

G-Money

touchy mac feely wrote: »

here is your update...

yesterday i went to the bar, sat for a long time and really gave it alot of taught. i went home packed that suitcase and left.

Excuse my language but f******g brilliant, well done OP.

This woman isn't worth another millisecond of your time. She is completely out of order so if she wants to go off and f*** other guys, I say let her. Pack your stuff, move out and never go back. Not sure if you's own a house together or whatever but I'd also cut off any bills and stuff that you're currently paying/contributing to.

The reason I say never go back is that she's quite old at this stage and should know better. She can't come crawling back further down line saying she's sorry and spouting some line that she's now "matured and grown up" blah blah. She's not some bimbo teenager, she's a grown woman.

Also, as times goes on you might find yourself missing her, despite all the crap she's put you through. You might find yourself thinking of the good times you had. If you feel this starting to happen, STOP. Immediately start thinking of all the bad times you had and why you left. At the age she is now, she's never going to change. Seeing she was married before I'm assuming you are husband number 2 so if I was a betting man, I'd say she did his f*****g head in too.

The good news is that the hard bit is over. You've left so even though you probably don't feel great now, it will start to get easier as time goes on.

I'd also recommend you check out the options for divorce. I don't know anything about divorce laws in Ireland, can people get divorced here? I'm not sure. Anyway I'm sure there's plenty of advice online and it won't hurt to check it out.

Good luck to you OP. I'm normally not one who'd promote that people get divorced as I often think they're just taking the easy way out and are too influenced by the media and Hollywood where people get divorced as often as they change their socks. But in your case, it sounds like this woman is a nasty piece of work. She's old enough to know better, on her 2nd husband which makes me think she'll never change. So I'm just wondering if there really is any hope to make things work.

There are times when you need to give things a chance and try to work it out. There are other times that no matter what you do, the other person will always make you out to be a mug and will never change. And in those situations, there's nothing smart or honourable about staying around and constantly being humiliated.

You are out now and the hard bit is over.

Good luck.

lynsalot

Hey OP,
You've done the right thing. Well done on being so brave and strong and wanting better for yourself. It is a very difficult thing to do but you've done the right thing. Now make sure you keep the strength you found up. It will feel easier to head home to what you know, but you need to be strong. This woman has treated you terribly. I speak from experience. I've gone through a separation and only now realise how bad I was treated and how glad I am I fought through the difficult time of splitting up. (It's only been a few months since btw and things are so much better for me)

It sounds like your wife will never be happy. She sees to want what she can't have and is never satisfied. I'm sure you are a great man who treated her like a princess and whats sad is she's turned you into someone whose paranoid about feeling a certain way. Wondering if it's him, what could he have done differently, maybe he should put up with it. I've been there OP and believe me it doesn't matter what you would've done. She should no longer be your concern anymore. Worry about yourself. You deserve ten times better and you're only young. You will move on and find someone else.

Let us know how you're getting on.