Sex issue. Would counselling help?

LegacyUser

My wife and I are both 50. We have been married for about 25 years and she has always tried to give me the impression that she only has a passing interest in sex. Even when we were dating, sex was a bit hit and miss. Sex always has been on her terms. We have 2 teenage children.

About 10 years ago I tried to spice up our sex life. I suggested she buy neglige which she did and I also bought a vibrator. She was up for the neglige bit but was a bit mortified about the vibrator but after a short while we incorporated it into our sex life and things were fairly good. But things gradually went back to the way they were.

Last year I discovered that she was using the vibrator on an almost daily basis. I found this very hard to handle. I became very insecure and it consumed me completely. I finally plucked up the courage in a round about way to draw up the subject. I began by asking her if she had any sexual desires and she said that she hadn't really and that she had little or no interest in sex at the time. I then told her that I knew she was using her vibrator very regularly and she lost it. She denied that she used it but eventually admitted that she used it the odd time if she had a passing urge. When I told her that I knew that she was using it almost every day because it was always in a different place beside the bed in the morning she kept up the denial. And the arguement soon changed to me spying on her etc. which was true I suppose and was something I didn't feel good about. She insisted that her using it was a personal matter and none of my business. I told her it was my business as I felt that her using it so much meant that I would have no sex life. I've always said to her that I believed that she hides herself sexually from me but she's always denied that.

Anyway, we had a kind of a compromise and things improved slightly after that but soon slipped back to normal again. Over the past 2 months she has been using it more than ever. I get up before her and she uses it while I'm downstairs making the kids lunches etc. before she gets up. And she uses it most nights also. She goes to bed earlier than I do.

I have become insecure beyond belief over the whole thing. I really want to confront her about it but it will cause a huge arguement again about me "spying" on her and it will get me nowhere because we'll be back to square one again next month.

The whole thing has taken over my life. All day long at work I obsess about it. I wake up at night thinking about it. My stomach is knotted every morning in the kitchen while she's still in bed.

I really don't know where to go from here and I really could do with some constructive advice from people here. (Please don't post criticising me for spying on her etc. I know that it's wrong and it's causing me torture by checking everyday but obsession about the whole thing has taken over completely.)

I have never had any counselling but I'm wondering if it would help. Maybe I'm looking for someone to convince me to accept things as they are. Has anyone here been through something like this? How did you deal with it? How did things work out?

Please help or advise me. I can't keep going like this!

Victor

Yes, I think counselling would help.

You might want to start off by exploring some of the issues with the counsellor first and agree on the best way to bring your wife into the process.

LegacyUser

Thank you, Victor.

Do you think I can get to a place of acceptance of the situation, with counselling? To be able to accept that things are as they are and be able to get back to leading a normal day again? Probably an unfair question to you.

And have you any recommendations as to whether I should go to a male or female counsellor? I would very much veer towards a female one, myself.

kiwi123

Does your wife fully understand the effect this is having on you?

Victor

Head messed up wrote: »

Do you think I can get to a place of acceptance of the situation, with counselling?

Many things are possible. I can't offer guarantees, but at least you are being proactive. Ask and you shall receive.

To be able to accept that things are as they are and be able to get back to leading a normal day again?

Its a start. If you are frustrated (literally in this case) in your efforts then a new course of action is needed.

And have you any recommendations as to whether I should go to a male or female counsellor? I would very much veer towards a female one, myself.

I get the impression that a lot of counsellors are female. If you are comfortable with a female counsellor, then go for what you are comfortable with.

I think start with a chat and a recommendation from your GP. I'm not sure if he would suggest a general counsellor or a specialist to start.

LegacyUser

OP I think counselling at this point would be slightly premature. I get the feeling you have not yet fully discussed this with your wife. Counselling in a situation like this has the best chance of success when both people are on the same page, or at the very least, wish to try their best to solve the problem together.

Why don't you sit your wife down someday and tell her everything you have written here and everything you would tell a counselor. See what she has to say about everything. You need to get the communication going....I get the impression from your post that there is a lot of barriers between you and your wife...both in terms of intimacy and communication....i think you should work at breaking these barriers down...however hard that may be.

I can see how the issue of the vibrator must make you feel, insecure, unwanted etc and that must be hard. But, and i could be wrong, i think its only a symptom of bigger problems which you need to sort out.

See what your wife has to say, she has pulled the shutters down in front of you and you need to throw them back up so to speak....once the two of you are talking and understand where each other are coming from better, then yes counselling may be an excellent idea...

Good luck OP

LegacyUser

kiwi123 wrote: »

Does your wife fully understand the effect this is having on you?

Hi Kiwi123. To answer truthfully, I don't think she does. I've often spoken to her about my frustrations and she will make an effort sexually.

But the vibrator issue is different. She doesn't want me knowing that she uses it so much and would deny using it so much if I challenged her on it. (She does admit to using it now and again and I have no problem with that because I enjoy a bit of on my own time also). But the problem for me is that she uses it SO REGULARLY and would have me think it's rarely used. If we use it during sex, she'll often pretend that she can't remember where she put it, as it was so long since she used it! And if I told her I knew she was using it so much, we'd end up in a fight over me spying on her....and she'd have a point. I just wish I could let her know that I know and not appear like Sherlock Holmes at the same time!

Having said all that, even if I did confront her about it, we'd still be back to square one a short while later! I just thought that counselling might help me accept that she's going to use it as she does and that's the way it's going to be and that I'll have to accept that.

I just hate the way she hides her sexual desires form me. She has great orgasms with the vibrator but tells me that they're just different to those I give her and that mine are better. Most women who've posted on sites about it seem to think that the intensity of a vibrator orgasm is way beyond what a partner can provide. To be fair to her, I think she says that in order to stop me feeling inadequate.



Thanks for your posts also, Victor. I've decided that if I go ahead, I'll go with a female counsellor. I feel it would be better for me and I think I'd be more comfortable with a female as well.

LegacyUser

Thanks 20cents for taking the time to post. I'll digest all you say carefully.

Could I ask you what you mean when you say "I think its only a symptom of bigger problems which you need to sort out?"

I need all the advice I can get at the moment.

shellyboo

Head messed up wrote: »

I just hate the way she hides her sexual desires form me. She has great orgasms with the vibrator but tells me that they're just different to those I give her and that mine are better. Most women who've posted on sites about it seem to think that the intensity of a vibrator orgasm is way beyond what a partner can provide. To be fair to her, I think she says that in order to stop me feeling inadequate.

Not true at all! I'd throw out every single one of my toys (and I have loads) for 10 minutes in bed with my boyfriend; orgasm or no orgasm. There's absolutely no comparison between toys and real sex -- that's like saying your hand is competition for her sexually.

I really think you need to separate the vibrator issue from the lack of sex -- she's concealing her use, which is worrying, but I wouldn't go assuming that it's because of the vibrator that she doesn't want you.

Instead I'd take it as a positive sign that she is still sexual, still has a high libido, and go about figuring out what the barrier is between you. It could be a self-esteem/body image thing on her part, or maybe she has issues with intimacy on a wider level.

Counselling is definitely a good idea, if you can convince your wife.

prinz

Head messed up wrote: »

I just hate the way she hides her sexual desires form me.

Is it possible that she isn't using toys as often as you think she is? I would recommend counselling.

Tbh I'd also recommend putting the vibe in the bin too. Start from scratch, rediscover each other without the props.

Head messed up wrote: »

She has great orgasms with the vibrator but tells me that they're just different to those I give her and that mine are better. Most women who've posted on sites about it seem to think that the intensity of a vibrator orgasm is way beyond what a partner can provide. To be fair to her, I think she says that in order to stop me feeling inadequate.

I think that's an urban myth tbh. Nothing compares to the real thing and I've never heard different from a woman on that.

Victor

20cents wrote: »

OP I think counselling at this point would be slightly premature. I get the feeling you have not yet fully discussed this with your wife.

Fair point and its for the OP to decide for himself, but sometimes people don't know the correct vocabulary about how to discuss things, even with family.

Head messed up wrote: »

She has great orgasms with the vibrator but tells me that they're just different to those I give her and that mine are better. Most women who've posted on sites about it seem to think that the intensity of a vibrator orgasm is way beyond what a partner can provide. To be fair to her, I think she says that in order to stop me feeling inadequate.

Sometimes people like going to a fancy restaurant to get a fancy meal from a top chef. Sometimes it feels as good to have a home cooked meal or a rasher sandwich.

LegacyUser

Thanks Shellyboo, thanks Prinz and thanks again Victor.

It's nice to get strong, honest opinions without getting a lecture on how I should feel.

Very, very much appreciated.

LegacyUser

I think you're getting too hung up on the vibrator issue. The only relevance it has is that shows she still has a sex drive. There is absolutely no comparison between a vibrator and the real thing. Like someone else said, its like comparing your hand to sex. No comparison.

Whoever suggested throwing out the vibe is on the wrong track too. It would only create resentment and take away a form of release for her.

What you need to work on is your openness and intimacy issues. It appears that you really cant talk to each other and communicate your feelings to each other.

Have you told her that you love her, you fancy her, you really want to express that physically (and dont just say these things when you're trying to get physical). Have you done anything nice for her recently. foreplay can go on for hours before you ever touch her.

Yes counselling could be a good idea too. But honestly, dont get so hung up on the vibrator, its not the issue at all.

LegacyUser

Dear op, just wanted to say your are not alone with this issue. God i cant beleive im typing this, im a prude and dont talk about sex!!!!!!!!!!!

Its amazing i thought my dh was the only one who had an insecurity about this.
I would have a very very low sex drive and could basicaly take it or leave it.
I could go months without sex or even using a vibrator. where as dh has a very very VERY high sex drive and he drives me mad.

But when i did go through a phase of using it without dh i realised that he was checking it daily when he had an idea he became very paroniod and like yourself it caused huge rows.
But you have to remember its nothing to do with you - What i mean is its not that its a reflection on you if she uses it without you.

I cant explane it, its like a the way men masturbate, alot of the time its not a refection on the woman, but then sometimes it is.

But in my case and probably your dw case its just about the climax. It takes less time and effort than it would to make love. Supoose its selfish in a way but.
If shes like me, if you ask to make love its either no, or ok a quicky get it over with. And their is no climax and in order to climax it takes time and effort and the want!
Hope im making sense.

I just wanted to say that your not the only couple going through it, and we are only in our early 30s so to get to your 50s. Sorry im a dummy im asuming you have been together since your late teens like me.
Hope this helps in some way, i would love to go to councelling with dh, i would also love to actually have a sex drive i realy do. At the moment im going to councelling alone but we will eventualy go together as its not just the bedroom thier are issues.
Ok il stop talking now, good luck.