Afraid sex will hurt

LegacyUser

Hi this is kinda embarrassing so I'm just going to jump right in it. Sorry if I'm being vulgar...But basically I'm 18 year old female virigin. I know people will say this isn't a problem but it's frustrating for me because I want to have sex (we all have urges!!) and I have a good sex drive - I get horny, but I'm not a slut who wants to sleep with any guy I see.

Anyway, the problem is I'm afraid I'm going to hate it and that it's going to hurt. Not the 'oh it might hurt a little the first time' but I mean really hurt to the point that I'm going to have to stop the man after a couple of thrusts!!

I masturbate myself but only clitoral stimulation because it hurts when I put a finger in. Any of the guys I've been with who have fingered me it's been really sore. And it's not because there's not enough lubrication (trust me...if anything, I get too wet!) and it's not because I'm not relaxed enough. And its not because the guys 'dont no what they're doing' because most of them weren't virgins like myself and had had girlfriends/previous sexual partners. With my last boyfriend it was a problem because it really hurt me but I don't think he knew. I prefered pleasing him then him going near me down there cos it was fine when he was touching my clit but fingering was just too sore.

I can't even use tampons its too uncomfortable.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm expecting here but wondering if any girls are in a similar situation? Anyone have advice? Should I just keep going and hope that gradually maybe -and sorry for being viulgar - my vagina will get bigger and enough for it not to be painful?

Thanks for reading this crap lol

dontbemean

i had something resembling this at 18 before i eventually had sex.

What i did for myself was: I used a series of sex toys (each a little bigger than the last) to loosen my vaginal muscles bit by bit, VERY gradually. i knew i wouldn't be able to have sex without helping myself first. each toy would be bigger in size once i felt ready for the next one. there are toys you can buy that are smaller than a finger, some which vibrate which can help ease discomfort. within about 3 months i was able to use a normal-size dildo and soon had comfortable sex with a boyfriend.

If you feel bad about the idea of going into a sex shop, I highly recommend Miss Fantasia's on South William St. (Dublin), as it's very female-friendly unlike a lot of the sleazy mannish sex shops around the city. You'll walk in and see a load of feather boas/lingerie before you get to any dildos or toys! It looks more like a lingerie shop from the front of it, even, so don't feel embarrassed. The staff won't approach you unless you approach them, it's very relaxed and pretty classy! The toys aren't too expensive either, especially the smaller ones you'd be starting off with. If you're still unkeen about the sex shops, I recommend buying them off the internet.

The good thing about this method was that there was no pressure involved, it was just me taking my time with it. It's amazing how the vaginal muscles respond to any mental tension whatsoever - i find that even if i'm a little nervous, i don't have comfortable sex, even after all these years. Just relax into your own rhythm and take all the time you need!

I'd like to add, if none of my advice helps, you might have a common physical problem called Vaginismus which definitely can be overcome (with methods not unlike the above actually), but you will have to visit a doctor. Best of luck with it all!

Kalimah

I couldn't use tampons either at the same age. I thought I was the only one! Sex only hurt for a second though I do remember it was impossible the first time we tried. Managed the second time so happy days! Don't stress too much about it. I don't know if I'd bother with all the sex toys though. It seems a bit like hard work.

LegacyUser

Ok, thank you both for the replies! I had thought about trying to loosen up myself lol but I always thought dildos would be too big - I didn't know you could get smaller toys. Might give it a go if I'm not too embarrassed!

Sometimes I think it sucks being a girl lol guys dont have this problem!!

sexdwarf

You may very well have no problems at all OP! I'm not going to lie to you, it can hurt the first time. The good thing is it really only hurts for a very short amount of time and then you're grand! You have to take it sloooow and if needs be he'll have to stop and start.

Get yourself a tube of KY if you feel it'll help. I'm no virgin but I find tampons uncomfortable because they feel very weird and dry but I've never had any discomfort having sex.

If you do have trouble after trying sex a few times I'd recommend popping down to the Well Woman for their advice. Just make sure that when you do try you feel relaxed, ready and definitely not rushed!

Victor

vegetablecar wrote: »

Sometimes I think it sucks being a girl lol guys dont have this problem!!

Different people have different problems. I imagine the equivalent is when a male is withdrawing his foreskin for the first time, which can be painful. Indeed, for some, withdrawing the foreskin remains painful.

banquo

Victor wrote: »

Different people have different problems. I imagine the equivalent is when a male is withdrawing his foreskin for the first time, which can be painful. Indeed, for some, withdrawing the foreskin remains painful.

That was an owie for me. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you've to explain it to a boy, you can compare it to this.

dontbemean

vegetablecar wrote: »

Ok, thank you both for the replies! I had thought about trying to loosen up myself lol but I always thought dildos would be too big - I didn't know you could get smaller toys. Might give it a go if I'm not too embarrassed!

Sometimes I think it sucks being a girl lol guys dont have this problem!!

No problem OP, and believe me, once you get into it you'll be flying. Things change very fast once you realise how good penetration can feel when you're turned on (totally different from clitoral stimulation), and you'll probably forget you ever had a problem. And you DEFINITELY won't think it sucks to be a girl!
I remember the first time I tried to have sex it was impossible and I thought I'd never get over the embarrassment, yet here I am years later and happy as larry lol! Some of us girls are tighter/more petite than others, which will work in our favour later in life I think!! Best of luck

Kalimah

dontbemean wrote: »

No problem OP, and believe me, once you get into it you'll be flying. Things change very fast once you realise how good penetration can feel when you're turned on (totally different from clitoral stimulation), and you'll probably forget you ever had a problem. And you DEFINITELY won't think it sucks to be a girl!
I remember the first time I tried to have sex it was impossible and I thought I'd never get over the embarrassment, yet here I am years later and happy as larry lol! Some of us girls are tighter/more petite than others, which will work in our favour later in life I think!! Best of luck

I agree completely!

LegacyUser

OP try not to fret about it too much, as the more you build it up in your head ('there's something wrong with me, I'll never be able to have sex', etc) the more it'll work against you.

I was pretty much the same as you (I actually had vaginismus) and it's only recently that I've overcome it and, well, get why people go on about sex so much My biggest fear was pain from penetration, but it's basically taking it step by step - learning to control your 'down there' muscles and learning to relax them (I suggest getting a mirror, putting it between your legs, clenching and unclenching the muscles that you use to stop your pee-flow (sorry to be crude!) and noticing what ones to use to open your vaginal entrance). Then try getting your finger in there (use lube if you can), and progress from there to maybe a tampon or small sex toy.

Believe me, it's just a matter of training yourself, in a way. It CAN be done. I was so relieved the first time I had sex, and it actually didn't hurt whatsoever, which really surprised me. In fact, it felt better than I ever thought it would. Not everyone's first time hurts! Sure, I still have to make sure I'm relaxed beforehand, but luckily I'm with a great guy who I'm fully comfortable with and sex is very pleasurable with him.

It doesn't have to be a big deal!

Good luck OP!