How to take the plunge

LegacyUser

Hey. Long time reader, sometime poster, figured I'd go unreg for this (various reasons why). Okay, I guess I should give a bit of back-story before I get to the point. I'm a 29 year old guy. Had 4 girlfriends in my life. I've been in love once. It was amazing, but it ran it's course and while we're still friends, it wasn't meant to be. All the girls I've ever dated (not that many), I've gotten to know before we hooked up. None of them ever really fancied me before getting to know me. Which they told me. Thanks girls! And really, that's fine. If I have a good personality to make up for looking like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle, that's perfectly fine with me! One girl I dated, we met on a dating website. But that relationship turned out to be a complete disaster, and it's really put me off trying that again. Well, that and I find that on websites I get as many replies that I'd imagine Harold Shipman would get.

Anyway, due to this, and that a lot of my friends are caught up with their own relationship issues, I've figured it's time I started approaching women myself, rather than just hoping it just happens. The will is there. However, I just cant seem to take the first step. To compare it to something else... I'm afraid of heights. I once went cliff-diving with friends. They all just leapt off the cliff and into the water. I stood back, took a breath and ran to the edge. And stopped short. Returned to the starting position, ran up, stopped again. I wanted to jump. I really wanted to. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. And taking that first step in approaching a girl is very much the same. I know the excuses in my head. I'm afraid of rejection. Yet I know I'll survive it and probably laugh it off. But sometimes I do get a little offended by rejection. Whether it's being told my work needs to be redone, or if I lose a video game. Sometimes I take it a bit personally. Like I'm not good enough. Which I know is ridiculous.

Anyway, is there a key to taking the first step? Or is it just a matter of manning up and doing it? I know I'm a good guy. With good friends. A good personality. And a sense of humour. Sure, I'm not 100% confident. But once I break the ice, I can hold my own. Even if I'm absolutely terrified of saying the wrong thing or coming off like a bit of a clown. Is there an answer to the question of just gaining that tiny bit of confidence to just walk up and say hi? Can anyone relate and how did you get past this step?

Apologies for the long post, and thanks for reading.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, I eventually did jump off the cliff. And after the first one, I did it again. And again. And again. It was great fun!

upmeath

LeapOfFaith? wrote: »

is there a key to taking the first step? Or is it just a matter of manning up and doing it? I know I'm a good guy. With good friends. A good personality. And a sense of humour. Sure, I'm not 100% confident. But once I break the ice, I can hold my own. Even if I'm absolutely terrified of saying the wrong thing or coming off like a bit of a clown. Is there an answer to the question of just gaining that tiny bit of confidence to just walk up and say hi? Can anyone relate and how did you get past this step?...

...Oh, and in case you're wondering, I eventually did jump off the cliff. And after the first one, I did it again. And again. And again. It was great fun!

I reckon you have it down, once someone gets to know you they become endeared. But you're afraid to take a run at it, the cliff analogy is pretty accurate. What you may need to do is break this "approach" character you have, because the person you are when you're getting to know people or know them already seems to be a winner, fair play mate.
So how did you overcome the fear of jumping over the cliff, and take the first dive? You broke out of the constraints of your shy character. Sometimes we have to adopt a new persona to get us through difficult situations, and it might seem risky, foolish and the payoff could be devastating, but we have to do it if we want to get anywhere in life. Give it a shot with the ladies sometime, you seem to have conquered gravity and heights already.

Wacker

OP, I'd bet that if a mate were running with you on that cliff, you would not have stopped. Get a wing-man. You have everything else you need already.

Happy hunting!

Cianos

You will fail. A lot. But, it's the same for every other guy out there. And like anyone else, if you want to do it you'll just have to get used to being rejected. So really it's a question of do it or don't. And since you already know you want to do it, and can do it, just go out and do it!

LegacyUser

I know that rejection is almost inevitable. And to be honest, it'll probably be a bit of a kick in the balls at the start, and then I'll get past it. It's not like it's never happened before! I'm aware of the aftermath. I just don't know how to get past that initial hesitance. The mental block that I need to overcome.

um7y1h83ge06nx

The initial fear, fear of the unknown, fear of rejection etc can be overcome.

There is this theory called NLP (Neuro-Linguistic-Programming). Now a lot of this can seem like mumbo-jumbo but it does appear to work. I only realised there was a name for the stuff 2 or 3 years ago, but I've been unwittingly using this for much longer.

Most of it is about visualisations which I use for women, job interviews etc. The whole thing is that if you visualise something strong enough, when it comes to actually doing it, it will come more naturally. Likewise, if you want to diminish bad experiences, you visualise them and instead of making them serious or depressing you make them comedic until you're no longer fazed by it.

Now as I said this seems a bit weird but one of my friends is on a successful inter-county GAA team. They recently got in a Sport Psychologist to help them be more successful and a lot of the stuff he did was based on these visualisations. The same Sports Psychologist worked with some of the Iriish Rugby team. He said one player would watch videos of his best tries on the team bus before a game to help him visualise scoring on that day.

Maybe some of this stuff might get your confidence up and help you. PM me if you like and I'll send on some stuff.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi Op.

I think you have a brilliant attitude, and your post is brilliant.
The cliff analagy I think pretty much answers it for you!
I think you are someone who loves life and loves to have fun.
Its funny the things we become scared of. I remember when I first drove on the motorway...
Planked it. When I first had sex... Planked it, because I didnt know what to expect.
I suppose with every new person we meet, we don't know what to expect, there's this huge element of the unknown and we have to place some trust in the other person.

What do you expect from a woman? What do you want?

LegacyUser

Hey Weestogether.
Thank you for the flattering reply! I do indeed love life and fun. It's not always easy, and I grumble and groan like everyone else. But I do love my family and friends and cherish all the time I can spend with them. The weird thing is, apart from heights and women, I've never been that afraid to do anything. I love rollercoasters, airplanes, tall buildings and all the places that would make an acrophobic into a gibbering mess. And of course, I loves me the wimmins. I've appeared on stage, almost nude (strategically placed boxers) and generally grab opportunities that could lead to abject embarassment, but if it doesn't kill me, it'll make me stronger. And it doesn't hurt to be able to laugh at oneself from time to time.

And yet when it comes to the opposite sex, I just have a mental block. The fear of rejection, I guess it is. I know that any woman who would make a show of me in rejection isn't worth the time of day, but believe it or not, I once did get pointed and laughed at by a girl I approached, and I guess it did have an effect.

As for what I want in a woman... well I guess that's a million dollar question. Intelligence, humour, sensitivity. I do like girls who have a nerdy side. But man alive, how rare are they?! I dunno really. I guess I'll know when I see her. Across the room. From my shadowy, fearful corner!!

Greyfox

Forget about trying to score, forget about trying to get a number, forget about wondering what to talk about. Train your mind into thinking that ALL YOUR DOING is walking up to this girl to see if she's interesting or not, if she is you might have a nice chat and if she isn't you'll find someone else to chat to...THAT'S ALL YOUR DOING....FORGET ABOUT TRYING TO SCORE FOR NOW!

Do not think of what your going to do next until you've done this numerous times and are comfortable with approaching and find yourself enjoying it. Remember all your doing is walking up to a person and saying Hi, this person will say Hi back and you's may or may not get into a conversation

ManOfMystery

Just try to remember that chatting to a woman is really not as big an issue as you're making it out to be in your head.

Back when I was single and would have been out chatting to girls, I used to get nervous too. But I had a mate who would chat to every single female he met, and they all thought he was brilliant - he never seemed to be anxious or nervous meeting girls.

His approach was simply down to odds. Go up and talk to them - and if it doesn't go well, there's approximately 3 billion odd other females on the planet ... so move on and don't dwell on it.