Dropped by former friend and still bothers me

LegacyUser

I'm hoping someone can tell me how to cop on to myself and stop dwelling on this:

A couple of years ago I was very close friends with another girl. Suddenly she stopped texting me back, or wouldnt text me back for ages, and started 'forgetting' to invite me out. While I didnt cop on at first, I soon realised she was 'phasing me out'- something I'd seen her to do to someone else..

I'm not sure what I did to start this and I know that it really doesnt matter because it wouldnt change it. BUT years later, this still plays on my mind and makes me feel stressed out because she is still friends with people I know. I feel hurt and I cant help feeling completely burned by it.

Has this happened to anyone else and how did you get it out of your head?

Thanks in advance!

Nevyn

The best revenge is living a good life and know what ever her issues are they are hers and she is a coward as she never faced you herself.

Sometimes it's better off not to know any of the lies of malicos crap she may have said about you, the people who care about you and who are your real friends will stay in your life.

Chinafoot

Thaedydal wrote: »

The best revenge is living a good life and know what ever her issues are they are hers and she is a coward as she never faced you herself.

Sometimes it's better off not to know any of the lies of malicos crap she may have said about you, the people who care about you and who are your real friends will stay in your life.

While I agree with all of this, there could be a different angle to consider...

I have cut people out of my life in the past. I was close with a girl a few years ago and she became completely unreliable, selfish, wrapped up her relationship to the point of letting everyone down repeatedly. She used me when it suited her and she treated me like muck. Every attempt to meet up was met with excuses so I stopped bothering. I didn't call her and the odd time she did text me I generally wasn't bothered talking to her.

Now, she eventually asked me if something was up and I told her exactly what had been going on and how I felt about it and how I quite frankly wasn't bothered keeping in touch any more. She assumed I was just being a bitch and we still have a few mutual friends, although they rarely bother with her either. She still to this day thinks that I was unreasonable in dropping her and that she did absolutely nothing towards us getting to that point.

OP, I'm not suggesting that you have behaved like my former friend, however it's hard to know what to say when we have no idea what went on between you before she phased you out. Its all well and good for us to say "Forget about the bitch" but it might not be that easy.

Did you ever speak to her about this phasing out? Did you ask her why she was ignoring you? Have any mutual friends ever given any indication as to why it happened?

lazygal

OP I did this to a friend of mine from college. I am a bit ashamed of myself but I was a bit immature at the time and did not know how to "break up" with a friend.
She would probably say I was a total b1tch and there was no reason for it but I found our relationship had become quite unhealthy. She was a negative person, never happy for any of us who got promotions or like me, started our own businesses. She had a string of flatmates, all of whom were nightmares, according to her, but on reflection she was the common denomintor and quite hard to live with.
I just stopped texting, arranging nights out etc and avoided small gathering where I knew she was there. I took the cowards way out but I know our friendship had run its course. It happens a lot, from my experiance.

EDIT: I was dumped by text after this happened and it was such a humiliating thing to happen I vowed I would take the bull by the horns if I ever needed to and do the right thing. What age are you? I know we've all done things in the past which we would never dream of doing when we get a bit older.

LegacyUser

I get what you're saying about there being an event that triggered all this but there wasnt! I was, and still am, bewildered. I didnt have a boyfriend, if anything I was the one that wanted to meet up more!

She had just started going out with someone and at one point apologised for being MIA because of him. It was like she went off me rather than I did anything in particular. The only thing i can think of is that she started to become more friendly with someone i had never really bonded with (but ironically remain friendly with!). she has had fallings out with a couple of other people since this time. One of whom told a close friend that it was petty jealousy of my career progression that caused her to start giving me the cold shoulder. It all seems like childish reasons that, if anything, are more hurtful.

I'd like a memor-ectomy!

Chinafoot

stillbothersme wrote: »

I get what you're saying about there being an event that triggered all this but there wasnt! I was, and still am, bewildered. I didnt have a boyfriend, if anything I was the one that wanted to meet up more!

She had just started going out with someone and at one point apologised for being MIA because of him. It was like she went off me rather than I did anything in particular. The only thing i can think of is that she started to become more friendly with someone i had never really bonded with (but ironically remain friendly with!). she has had fallings out with a couple of other people since this time. One of whom told a close friend that it was petty jealousy of my career progression that caused her to start giving me the cold shoulder. It all seems like childish reasons that, if anything, are more hurtful.

I'd like a memor-ectomy!

You haven't said if you ever asked her what the problem was?

If its a case of her jealousy or a preoccupation with another friend you weren't that fond of, then there's no point in even thinking about it. I know its easy to say and we all have things that stick in our mind as being really unfair and hurtful. The only advice I can give is to forget her and move on with your life.

ohanloj3

stillbothersme wrote: »

I'm hoping someone can tell me how to cop on to myself and stop dwelling on this:

A couple of years ago I was very close friends with another girl. Suddenly she stopped texting me back, or wouldnt text me back for ages, and started 'forgetting' to invite me out. While I didnt cop on at first, I soon realised she was 'phasing me out'- something I'd seen her to do to someone else..

I'm not sure what I did to start this and I know that it really doesnt matter because it wouldnt change it. BUT years later, this still plays on my mind and makes me feel stressed out because she is still friends with people I know. I feel hurt and I cant help feeling completely burned by it.

Has this happened to anyone else and how did you get it out of your head?

Thanks in advance!

It happened to me about 5 years ago and to be honest with you it still plays on my mind and upsets me. She was my best friend and when she met her oh she slowly phased me out as I was single. Also at the time, I was sick and I think me being sick just didn't go with her perfect world! I think about it the odd time, and still like to see what shes up to (I know thats a bit stalkerish!!). Often I'm tempted to ring her and have it out with her but I have realised that that'll just upset me not her. Now I've started to try phase her out, I've met new friends, improved my social life etc, but I often feel like I'm in competition with her, like I have to make my life better than hers so she can see I'm ok without her, I know that sounds ridiculous! I'm sorry I know that probably doesn't help you, but just thought I'd let you know you're not alone in this situation!

Darlughda

This happened to me OP, and like yourself it preyed on my mind worse than any ex-boyfriend! Its a very hurtful thing, and it took me years to figure out how to deal with it.

There was no 'reason' in my case either, as time went by, the only way I could keep it together when mutual friends were still really chummy with her, was to somehow accept that I personified something in her that she just could not or would not deal with.

I still have no idea what I represented to her to this day, but after 7 years, I can pass her on the street and say hia, walk on by and think nothing of it.

I just learnt to forgive and let go. Eventually.
It took a long time, but keep your self esteem intact, after you have scrutinised yourself for any behaviour that you can improve on, then just try to accept that people are downright odd! With flaws.

No matter how much we like or care for another person we never know what the hell is going on their head that causes them to have a problem with us. What can you do at the end of the day? It hurts like hell, but its her problem not yours.

LegacyUser

Thanks- it is good to know I'm not the only one. In hindsight, I was also sick at the time...maybe some friends just cant be bothered unless its all fun and going out...

In reply to another poster, I never had it out with her. I felt humiliated and hurt so I didnt exactly want to ask her what was wrong with me. Maybe I should have and I would have gotten over it.

I would have been 23 when this was all happening so not exactly a teenager!

I know that one poster said getting on with my life, and that having a great life was the best revenge but there is an element of 'competition' which is unhealthy and obsessive.