Any other women out there coping with their partner's ED?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am a 30 year old woman and feel entirely alone in my problem even though I know there must be other women going through the same thing.

My husband has erectile dysfunction and we have not slept together in about 2 and a half years. We are very much in love and I could not even imagine being with anyone else but him but this problem is really getting me down.

He has had some basic tests done by the doctor who said there was nothing physically wrong. We went for couple's counselling for months which helped our communication but did absolutely nothing for our love life. We have been speaking about maybe trying to have a baby soon. I had mixed emotions about this to begin with but now I have warmed to the idea. When we mention it however, I feel quite sad sometimes as there's a part of me that suspects this will never happen - not unless it's the immaculate conception part 2!!

My husband feels terrible about all this. When we do speak about it (which we both find difficult) he puts his head down and tells me that he feels very ashamed and would love to have a sexual relationship with me. This breaks my heart as I know it's not his fault and I try to be as supportive as I can.
Meanwhile, I feel extremely unattractive and rejected but I try to hide these feelings as much as possible as I know it will only make my husband feel worse. My self confidence is very low. I tried to take up exercise to maybe lose some weight (even though he assures me that I don't need to.) I started going swimming as I have a bad back and the gym / running doesn't really suit me. However, I soon stopped that as I couldn't bear to be seen in public in my swimsuit and was convinced that people were looking at me and thinking how unattractive I looked.

I also tried buying nice underwear to see if that would get him interested but he barely looked at it when I got undressed. This rejection was really difficult for me and further convinced me of how un-sexy I was.

My husband assures me that he finds me very attractive and sexy and almost gets annoyed when I seem like I don't believe him. But the drip, drip effect of rejection really takes it's toll. When I think about it I just get a heavy, unpleasant feeling in my chest - sort of like when you feel really bad guilt or shame. This feeling is becoming more and more common and to be honest I'm not sure how much more I can take.

I know there's going to be no easy answer to this. I sometimes feel I should resign myself to the fact that this may never be resolved. I don't want to live in a sexless marriage but I could never imagine being with anyone else so I suppose I may just have to live with it.

I suppose I'm really looking for someone who is going through something similar. It's not being able to talk to anyone that I find the hardest. I'm normally the type of person who is willing to talk about their problems but I can't bring myself to tell any of my friends as I know my husband wouldn't want anyone to know. ( I wouldn't like it if he told his friends personal stuff about me). The burden of the secret is also very hard.

Can anyone relate?

LegacyUser

I've been a guy who used to suffer from ED.

Go to a sex therapist - or in fact, get him to go to one. MRCS.ie did good for me.

Were you having normal sex before and did anything change?

It's hard to talk about - it's embarrassing and you just want to bury your head in the sand.

I just couldn't face the chats with my gf who hadn't a clue what was going on and she was the most attractive girl. It was nothing to do with not fancying her though - it was nerves and then a viscious circle kicks in.

Do you get up to anything else? I found that I don't get much of a kick out of penetration and much prefer oral and other stuff and by concentrating on that, I don't worry about erections so much - they just happen....

What used to kill me was going straight for penetration and also, putting on condoms when I was with new gfs.

Opening up with anyone it happened with was a good start.

LegacyUser

Hi OP
Sorry to hear you are dealing with this. If he is 30 and hasn't had sex in 2 1/2 years due to his ED there is something either physically or psychologically wrong. As much as he is embarrassed about it he is going to have to be willing to talk about it and seek treatment for it - the same way he would for any physical or mental health issue. He needs to see an ED specialist and have a full work up done, not just a few basic tests. If the ED specialist can find nothing physically wrong then he needs to get into individual counselling and figure out what the mental block is. It isn't fair to either of you or to your marriage to have this not be addressed fully. I doubt your marriage will survive too many more years as you are already internalizing his ED as being a reflection of you. He may pull away due to embarrassment and frustration and you will feel more and more rejected. You need to be able to talk openly about it no matter how sensitive it is or it will fester.
Hope it works out for you.

Wibbs

I'd get a second opinion for a start. If he's an otherwise healthy guy(in and around his 30's I presume) then something is causing it. Stress could be a big factor along with other psychological concerns. Is he under stresss, working too hard? That kinda thing. I had it once. Not nice. Turned out I was "run down" and stressed. When that was taken outa the mix then it went back to normal.

It could still be physical if the doctor only did "basic tests". Lowered hormone levels, early signs of cardiovascular disease, nerve damage, smoking, drinking to excess, the list is long enough. Does he get "morning wood"or erections during the night? If he does that might suggest the physical plumbing is OK. All questions the doc should have asked and then tested for. Then there are medications out there that could help, if lifestyle changes dont do the trick. Did this doctor not go through these options, or suggest a referral to someone else?

Basically get another, better and more professional opinion. Neither he nor you should have to struggle with something like this, when there are solutions out there in the majority of cases.

LegacyUser

First of all let me say I recognise 100% what you are talking about when you describe how worthless and freakish you feel. That is exactly how I felt.
I was in a long term relationship with a fella who was the same. The effect on me was total davastation. No matter what anyone says a woman needs to feel desired and lack of this by somone who professes to love her causes such colossal confusion in your mind that you feel you are going mad.
I felt like a disgusting, repulsive snot and fell into a deep depression. There were a lot of other problems in the relationship but the enforced celibacy and sense of being tricked and trapped with no hope was the most damaging.
My case was different to yours though in that my ex refused to do anything about it. That was soul destroying.
Anyway he refused to try to sort it out so I left him. He was distraught but I warned him again and again...what did he expect? Then I'm ashamed to say I slept with every single last one of his friends as revenge. It was a pathetic thing to do in retrospect but it made me feel better at the time. I don't reccommend you do that obviously.
I tried to explain all along to my ex how the rejection made me feel but he used to blank it out. yet he was gutted and in disbelief when I left. I don't know why to this day things were like that. Maybe he's gay or just lost attraction to me or was in love with somone else at work etc etc I don't care any more. You never get the answer out of his type.
Anyway, I met a guy who changed EVERYTHING for me. We have a great love life and he is so much better in personality and looks than my ex. I am so glad I made the effort to get away. It wasn't easy, I could still be there.
Look, I hope someone comes along with more constructive advice as I think your fella shows willing to sort it out so is totally different to mine. The key to saving it is, this denial of his HAS to go out the window. He is doing TERRIBLE damage to your self esteem. He needs to face that. Every day he rejects you is more resentment in the resentment bank.
I know he is going through his own pain but he needs to sort himself out as you really can't live a life without sex with the best will in the world.

G-Money

This is a tricky situation OP. The good thing is that he seems to be willing to acknowledge that there's a problem and he's been to the doctor and stuff. Did the doctor or either of you suggest viagra? It could be a psychological issue so if you had some of that, it might be a way to get past the current barrier and get things moving again?

As much as you feel bad about yourself, I'm sure you husband feels as bad, if not worse. In society there's this perception that men always want sex, that we're always ready to go, that we're always instantly hard at the drop of a hat, the list goes on. Nothing could be further from the truth. In his mind it's probably killing him that things aren't working and I'm sure he realises it's disappointing you which unfortunately will just heap even more pressure onto him.

Girls can have a tendency to automatically assume that they are the problem and while sometimes that can be true, other times there are different factors which cause these sorts of problems. I think you need to stop thinking that you are the issue here. He's reassured you quite a lot it seems that he loves you and still fancies you etc so you have to accept him at his word as far as I can see. He already feels bad and no doubt already knows that you probably think this is a reflection on you, so he's even more down on himself.

As a guy its difficult to fully describe how it totally destroys your confidence when it happens. All sorts of stuff goes through your head and you feel like a shell of a man and a waste of space. If the woman starts getting upset or whatever, it just makes it even worse and heaps on even more pressure. I don't think the phrase "vicious circle" has ever been more appropriate than it is for these types of situations.

If things aren't improving, I suggest a trip back to the doctor or like someone else suggested, getting a 2nd opinion. If he's getting hard by himself, or during the night/first thing in the morning, the problem is almost certainly all in his head. If it was a physiological issue, he'd never be getting hard.

Sorry to hear about the situation OP and you are to be commended for sticking with him and trying to work through it. Some other women would throw their hands up and go off with the first guy that came along because they "didn't feel attractive" which they'd use as an excuse to justify cheating as they'd argue that sleeping with someone else would "make them feel attractive" and "give them back their confidence".

I think you should stick in there for the time being and perhaps you and your husband can resort to some other activities to satisfy you, such as oral and massage and other things. Even introduce toys and things like that too?

I'd also perhaps recommend sort of forgetting about fooling around always leading to penetration etc. Just enjoy playing with each other and take the pressure off a bit for both of you. Don't feel like it always has to end in penetration and earth shattering orgasms with fireworks going off in the background, birds singing, tree's shaking and everything being right with the world

Millie

Gone Bird wrote: »

First of all let me say I recognise 100% what you are talking about when you describe how worthless and freakish you feel. That is exactly how I felt.
I was in a long term relationship with a fella who was the same. The effect on me was total davastation. No matter what anyone says a woman needs to feel desired and lack of this by somone who professes to love her causes such colossal confusion in your mind that you feel you are going mad.
I felt like a disgusting, repulsive snot and fell into a deep depression. There were a lot of other problems in the relationship but the enforced celibacy and sense of being tricked and trapped with no hope was the most damaging.
My case was different to yours though in that my ex refused to do anything about it. That was soul destroying.
Anyway he refused to try to sort it out so I left him. He was distraught but I warned him again and again...what did he expect? Then I'm ashamed to say I slept with every single last one of his friends as revenge. It was a pathetic thing to do in retrospect but it made me feel better at the time. I don't reccommend you do that obviously.
I tried to explain all along to my ex how the rejection made me feel but he used to blank it out. yet he was gutted and in disbelief when I left. I don't know why to this day things were like that. Maybe he's gay or just lost attraction to me or was in love with somone else at work etc etc I don't care any more. You never get the answer out of his type.
Anyway, I met a guy who changed EVERYTHING for me. We have a great love life and he is so much better in personality and looks than my ex. I am so glad I made the effort to get away. It wasn't easy, I could still be there.
Look, I hope someone comes along with more constructive advice as I think your fella shows willing to sort it out so is totally different to mine. The key to saving it is, this denial of his HAS to go out the window. He is doing TERRIBLE damage to your self esteem. He needs to face that. Every day he rejects you is more resentment in the resentment bank.
I know he is going through his own pain but he needs to sort himself out as you really can't live a life without sex with the best will in the world.

Jesus you sound callous.......

LegacyUser

Gone Bird wrote: »

First of all let me say I recognise 100% what you are talking about when you describe how worthless and freakish you feel. That is exactly how I felt.
I was in a long term relationship with a fella who was the same. The effect on me was total davastation. No matter what anyone says a woman needs to feel desired and lack of this by somone who professes to love her causes such colossal confusion in your mind that you feel you are going mad.
I felt like a disgusting, repulsive snot and fell into a deep depression. There were a lot of other problems in the relationship but the enforced celibacy and sense of being tricked and trapped with no hope was the most damaging.
My case was different to yours though in that my ex refused to do anything about it. That was soul destroying.
Anyway he refused to try to sort it out so I left him. He was distraught but I warned him again and again...what did he expect? Then I'm ashamed to say I slept with every single last one of his friends as revenge. It was a pathetic thing to do in retrospect but it made me feel better at the time. I don't reccommend you do that obviously.
I tried to explain all along to my ex how the rejection made me feel but he used to blank it out. yet he was gutted and in disbelief when I left. I don't know why to this day things were like that. Maybe he's gay or just lost attraction to me or was in love with somone else at work etc etc I don't care any more. You never get the answer out of his type.
Anyway, I met a guy who changed EVERYTHING for me. We have a great love life and he is so much better in personality and looks than my ex. I am so glad I made the effort to get away. It wasn't easy, I could still be there.
Look, I hope someone comes along with more constructive advice as I think your fella shows willing to sort it out so is totally different to mine. The key to saving it is, this denial of his HAS to go out the window. He is doing TERRIBLE damage to your self esteem. He needs to face that. Every day he rejects you is more resentment in the resentment bank.
I know he is going through his own pain but he needs to sort himself out as you really can't live a life without sex with the best will in the world.

i'm sure your ex's self-esteem is great after you slept with "every single last one of his friends as revenge"......pretty disgusting thing to do to say the least.....i'm not sure the op should be listening to any of your advice after reading that.

The Recliner

Millie wrote: »

Jesus you sound callous.......

Millie if you ahve nothing helpful to post then don't
Unhelpful posting is agains the charter and could see you banned
Please have a read of it again before posting further

Thanks

username123

Op - I have to echo other posters. Your husband needs to see a sex therapist. This is not something for him to be ashamed of or feeling terrible about. If there is something wrong with the body we go see the specialist in that area - thats it. Its far better to address the problem than hope it goes away as that just makes both of you feel bad.

I understand completely that your self esteem is taking a knock - you presumably also feel a sense of desperation as no doubt you would like some kind of a sex life and as things stand currently thats not going to happen. You need to be clear with your husband that he has your support but that he needs to address the problem with the relevant specialist.
Its not enough to be told by a doctor there is nothing physically wrong and then to bury the head in the sand while the problem is ongoing. The fact he went to couples counselling means he is willing to try to sort this out. So get him to take the next step.

In the meantime, bugger what you think you look like in a swimsuit, all shapes and sizes go swimming, its not the domain of the young, slim and beautiful. And you probably have a way low self opinion thats clouding your judgement on it anyway - so just go swim, ignore people, the pool makes you invisible anyway.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here again.

Firstly thanks to everyone for your advice. Seems so obvious now that we need to go back to doctor / therapist. When one is in a situation sometimes the obvious solution is not always clear. I just felt there was no way out.

I know from others experience that there are some men who would not be willing to see anyone or do anything so I am counting myself very lucky that my husband is at least trying to get it sorted.

I think I was feeling very down the other day when I wrote that. I'm feeling more positive today - that's just the way it goes. Just to know I'm not alone in my feelings is a boost.

I suppose you never know what goes on behind closed doors eh? I still wouldn't swap my man for anyone else :-)

Thanks again.

If he can get erections while sleeping or at any other time, the problem is psychological.

However, psychological problems can be the direct result of a physiological problem such as hypothyroidism. It is also possible that has just lost his self-confidence, which happens very often and makes maintaining an erection possible.

Keep pestering medical professionals until you find an answer.

LegacyUser

dont let this bring you down too much, had teh same expierence with my OH for nearly 2 years, we had a great sex live except penetration. I always knew it had nothing to do with me and truly love him, not one thought of leaving him because of that. the longer it went on the more he lost his confidence, he even thought it will never happen again or he cant satisfy me and that worried him much more than it worried me, there are loads of different ways to please each other. He went to see the doctor a few times and after he couldnt find anything physical finally prescribed him the nice little blue pills and everything works out well. we both hope the pills will give him his confidence back can quit them in a short while.

aidan24326

OPagain wrote: »

Hi all, OP here again.

Firstly thanks to everyone for your advice. Seems so obvious now that we need to go back to doctor / therapist

Just make sure it isn't the same doctor as before, he didn't exactly do much to help. Apart from a sex therapist, he may need to get a referral to a urologist aswell, who will have more specialist expertise in this area than a GP would. Just in case it is something medical.