Ex Boyfriend with STI

LegacyUser

Ok long story short. My ex-boyfriend has chlamydia which he has known about for months. As of yet he has left the infection untreated and I have no idea whether he plans to ever do anything about it. He has been seeing a girl for a few months now, and has informed me they have unprotected sex (pill no condom.) New girlfriend has no idea about the STI and ex has no intention of telling her. As well as this, I am certain he has been, and still is, sleeping unprotected with other girls.

As you can imagine it's very difficult for me to sit back knowing he is deliberately decieving people and putting their health at risk. But to be honest there isn't really anything I can do?? I have talked to him on the phone and sent numerous texts trying to convince him to tell his girlfriend and anyone else that needs to know, but this hasn't worked. I'm considering sending an email to try and make him see sense, because right now he is in denial of the seriousness of what he is doing. Other than that there isn't really anything I can do, I just find it very hard to sit back and do nothing.

Out of interest, I know it is a criminal offence to sleep with someone and not disclose if you have HIV or Hepatitis. Would this be the case with less serious STIs like chlamydia?

pookie82

Licorice wrote: »

Ok long story short. My ex-boyfriend has chlamydia which he has known about for months. As of yet he has left the infection untreated and I have no idea whether he plans to ever do anything about it. He has been seeing a girl for a few months now, and has informed me they have unprotected sex (pill no condom.) New girlfriend has no idea about the STI and ex has no intention of telling her. As well as this, I am certain he has been, and still is, sleeping unprotected with other girls.

As you can imagine it's very difficult for me to sit back knowing he is deliberately decieving people and putting their health at risk. But to be honest there isn't really anything I can do?? I have talked to him on the phone and sent numerous texts trying to convince him to tell his girlfriend and anyone else that needs to know, but this hasn't worked. I'm considering sending an email to try and make him see sense, because right now he is in denial of the seriousness of what he is doing. Other than that there isn't really anything I can do, I just find it very hard to sit back and do nothing.

Out of interest, I know it is a criminal offence to sleep with someone and not disclose if you have HIV or Hepatitis. Would this be the case with less serious STIs like chlamydia?

What a pri*k. Tell him that if he doesn't come clean to her, you will. To be honest when it comes to someone's health I don't think it's over the top to step in and set her straight. What she chooses to do then is her own affair but at least you haven't stood by doing nothing. Unfortunately as with many STDs it will probably never affect him in an adverse way apart from the odd itch but it could prevent her from having kids down the road. STDs often have far more serious consequences for women than men, i.e. cervical cancer, infertiltiy, passing fatal herpes infections to newborns etc.

Why is he disclosing all of this info to you about his sleeping habits with new girlfriend? Are you still close? Did you catch it off him before?

Nevyn

Licorice wrote: »

Out of interest, I know it is a criminal offence to sleep with someone and not disclose if you have HIV or Hepatitis. Would this be the case with less serious STIs like chlamydia?

It is for those which can not be cured, so add herpes to that list but not chlamydia. Does he know the damage it can do to a woman and her fertility?
He needs to get treated and he needs to tell his partners.

kiwi123

What a horrible horrible thing to do. As the ex girlfriend i respect the fact that there are boundaries between you, your ex and his new girlfriend. However, as a woman i would prefer to be told so that the sti doesn't get worse. If they break up and she sleeps with another partner the infection will be past on to others. Despite the fact that chances are he is probable doing it himself atm. In this case it's important to remember that when you're sleeping with someone, you are in effect sleeping with all of their partners if it is unprotected. Maybe you could hammer home the effects of an sti on a woman and what it can lead to and hope that he will see sense.

Either way people need to find out so that it can be treated.

LegacyUser

It's very messy and complicated. The reason I know is because I found out I had the infection at the start of the year. I know it was from him as he was my only partner in over two years. When I told him he promised he would inform anyone who needs to know and would deal with it himself.

About a month later I asked him how things were going and he informed me he had decided there's no point in telling his girlfriend as they were 'using protection anyway.' He wouldn't give a straight answer about the other girls. I had a strong suspicion the protection story was a lie, but all I could do was tell him the risks he was taking and ask him again to please tell the people that need to know. He knows about the risks to fertility, scarring etc.

As I suspected the story soon changed and he confirmed that they hadn't being using condoms. (I'm not in regular contact with him by the way, our paths have crossed a few times.) He promised (again) he would let her know and asked me to promise that if I ever saw her not mention any of this. I don't know the girl but I know a few people who do, I can see her on facebook etc.

I have had nothing but a string of lies from this guy so I don't know what to believe. I strongly suspect he hasn't told her anything, as he thinks nothing of ignoring the problem and burying his head in the sand. There is still the issue of the other girls I know he's slept with, I mean the girl he caught it from probably doesn't even know she has it.

If I really wanted to I could facebook message the girlfriend, but I really don't want to go down that road. I'm considering emailing him with an ultimatium or something. I'm disappointed I couldn't threaten him with the legality of it - thought it might scare him into taking responsibility!

Don't worry about the other women.
Chances are if they are having brief unprotected encounters, that they will be more inclined to have their health checked. Than the girlfriend who presumes she is in a monogamous relationship.

You know who she is, your strong suspicions that her fertility is at risk are enough to oblige you to go her.
I wouldn't trust his word at all!

Send an anonymous e-mail to his girlfriend and anyone else has slept with, i.e. set up a new account at a public computer and send it from there, then change the password to something you'll never remember so you can't use it again. Stop trying to get him to tell them as it's a waste of time.

Miss Fluff

+1. While it's not your business per se, I'd be inclined to send the anonymous email too. If a condition potentially had permanent and irreperable repurcussions on my future fertility then HELL yeah I would want to know. I really would. Do what you think is right but I don't think anyone would think any less of you for sending an anonymous message.

greenprincess

wow he doesnt sound very nice!! I would tell the girlfriend, either anonymously or not. I would want to know

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replys. If I was to send the girl an email I wouldn't bother making it anonymous as she could find out it's me anyway. I hate that I even have to consider doing this, I hate that I've been put in this position. If it was about an affair or anything else I would be happy to leave it. But it's the fact that it is a potentially very harmfull infection, and that it can/will spread around.

This time last year I would have laughed at someone in my position for being wreckless and naive. But it just goes to show, just because you don't sleep around doesn't mean you're partner hasn't. I won't lie, a part of me is very bitter that it's me that is left being lobbed with the responsibility to tell her; it's me having the sleepless nights, the fear for my health and fertility, mortifying trips to the doctor. I'm the one that experienced all the painful sympthoms.

I know he thinks that because I'm the confirmed 'infected' one that if i'm out of the picture he can get himself sorted and ignore the months he left untreated. There is no way he would ever admit to a bunch of girls that he slept with them knowing he had an infection. But you're right, I should make sure to do what I can for the people I can let know. UGH!

shellyboo

Licorice wrote: »

Thank you for the replys. If I was to send the girl an email I wouldn't bother making it anonymous as she could find out it's me anyway. I hate that I even have to consider doing this, I hate that I've been put in this position. If it was about an affair or anything else I would be happy to leave it. But it's the fact that it is a potentially very harmfull infection, and that it can/will spread around.

This time last year I would have laughed at someone in my position for being wreckless and naive. But it just goes to show, just because you don't sleep around doesn't mean you're partner hasn't. I won't lie, a part of me is very bitter that it's me that is left being lobbed with the responsibility to tell her; it's me having the sleepless nights, the fear for my health and fertility, mortifying trips to the doctor. I'm the one that experienced all the painful sympthoms.

I know he thinks that because I'm the confirmed 'infected' one that if i'm out of the picture he can get himself sorted and ignore the months he left untreated. There is no way he would ever admit to a bunch of girls that he slept with them knowing he had an infection. But you're right, I should make sure to do what I can for the people I can let know. UGH!

Defintely, definitely tell the girlfriend. It's 100% the right thing to do. I know you're resentful that you're the one who has to do it, but imagine someone had warned you about this guy? Wouldn't you be much better off?

mood

OP I think someone here once said that clinics often ring ex sexual partners on your behalf so I'm sure they could do this for you ex so he has no excuse about being ashamed etc to tell girls.

I fact that it is so serious and girls could be left infertile because he is a thoughtless p*ick is so annoying.

LegacyUser

mood wrote: »

OP I think someone here once said that clinics often ring ex sexual partners on your behalf so I'm sure they could do this for you ex so he has no excuse about being ashamed etc to tell girls.

I fact that it is so serious and girls could be left infertile because he is a thoughtless p*ick is so annoying.

I find that very hard to believe, wouldn't it be a breech patient confidentiality? And how would the doctor get hold of his ex sexual partners? Unfortunately the issue isn't just about telling people he has chlamydia, the point is he has known for months about this so it's not just the current girlfriend who is affected, there are other girls as well.

If he wanted he can easily pretend he's just found out about it and pretend it was me who was the culprit. Then relevant parties can get treated and he would come out looking the hero. I have a feeling this is what he is or at least was planning on doing with the girlfriend as he asked me specifically not to mention I had known anything if I see her (heh) But as of yet he has done nothing and experience has taught me he would be happy to ignore the problem if he thought he could get away with it.

And to add another spanner to the works, I know when these two started seeing each other the girlfriend was in a relationship, so her ex probably has it and consequently has spread it around. Then there are the scores of other girls my ex has been with over the years, because the infection could have been there for years! In that case if he doesn't want to tell any other recent sex partners there is nothing I can do about it as I don't know who they are.

That's what's bugging me the most I guess, the fact that I'm the only other person that knows this dirty secret so he can rest assured nobody will ever have to find out about it unless he decides to tell them. That's why I wanted to send him a proper email as to me it would feel like I had done the best I can and maybe give myself a bit of closure. Our paths will cross in future and I have made a promise to myself that I will remind him of what he his doing everytime I see him. I'll even consider telling his friends if I get the chance.

I can't believe I am writing all of this, this all probably makes me come across as very immature but I'm actually in my mid twenties and ex is early thirties!

Uriel.

The hospitals would ring people and make a statement a long the lines of:

"The hospital has recently diagnosed (and/or treated) a patient for xxx. This infection is easily passed from one person to another during unprotected sex. It is our understanding that you have had sexual contact with the patient in question and we highly recommend that you arrange for a screening as soon as possible to ascertain whether you have contracted xxx."

They don't and cannot inform the person who was diagnosed unless the person diagnosed waives their right to be annonymous. But hospitals do have a duty of care to protect the public from infectious disease.

As far as I am aware, non disclosure of knowingly being infected with HIV or hepatitis C are the only two criminal offences for these matters. Other infections including HSV are not included in this.

I find it hard to believe that he wouldn't get himself treated. He must be a clown of major proportions.

Unfortunately for him he is playing with a loaded pistol when it comes to serious STDs.

His current GF should be making him (and herself) get screened before she enters into a regukar sexual relationship, especially were condoms are not being used.
The guy is an idiot no doubt and cannot be defended in any sense of the word but his GF should be more aware of protecting her sexual health - even if he didn't knowingly carry an infection

mood

Licorice wrote: »

I find that very hard to believe, wouldn't it be a breech patient confidentiality? And how would the doctor get hold of his ex sexual partners? Unfortunately the issue isn't just about telling people he has chlamydia, the point is he has known for months about this so it's not just the current girlfriend who is affected, there are other girls as well.

If he wanted he can easily pretend he's just found out about it and pretend it was me who was the culprit. Then relevant parties can get treated and he would come out looking the hero. I have a feeling this is what he is or at least was planning on doing with the girlfriend as he asked me specifically not to mention I had known anything if I see her (heh) But as of yet he has done nothing and experience has taught me he would be happy to ignore the problem if he thought he could get away with it.

And to add another spanner to the works, I know when these two started seeing each other the girlfriend was in a relationship, so her ex probably has it and consequently has spread it around. Then there are the scores of other girls my ex has been with over the years, because the infection could have been there for years! In that case if he doesn't want to tell any other recent sex partners there is nothing I can do about it as I don't know who they are.

That's what's bugging me the most I guess, the fact that I'm the only other person that knows this dirty secret so he can rest assured nobody will ever have to find out about it unless he decides to tell them. That's why I wanted to send him a proper email as to me it would feel like I had done the best I can and maybe give myself a bit of closure. Our paths will cross in future and I have made a promise to myself that I will remind him of what he his doing everytime I see him. I'll even consider telling his friends if I get the chance.

I can't believe I am writing all of this, this all probably makes me come across as very immature but I'm actually in my mid twenties and ex is early thirties!

God, I was only addressing one aspect of the situation. It doesn't meant I don't agree with what others and you have said about other aspects.

IzzyWizzy

Everyone should assume their partner has an STI until assured otherwise. Most people with chlamydia don't even know they have it, so the onus is on each individual to protect themselves and get checked on a regular basis. That said, what kind of complete plank just walks around with an infection that can be cured with a week of antibiotics?