Are some secrets worth keeping?

TempleogueHead

I recently (4 weeks ago) got with a guy that I have been absoloutly infatuated with for years. We were, up until yesterday both crazy about eachother. at the weekend I was at a party and was drunk, one thing leads to another and I ended up cheating. I told him last night and were in pieces at the moment.. I think there is a chance of fixing things but I actually got up to more than I let on when I told him.. should I come clean about everything or just let it simmer and see what happens??
Thanks

AnonoBoy

Be honest with him. Let him decide if he wants to be with someone who cheats on him after a month and then 'comes clean' without actually coming clean completely.

krudler

So you're infatuated with a guy for years then cheat on him after 4 weeks? you sound like a right catch...

Appleguy

Your a disgrace. I'm glad your not 'absolutely infatuated' with me

If you cant keep your pants on after a few drinks you should seriously consider if you should be taking a drink at all.

Please dear god tell him the truth, that way he can run a mile when he finds out what your really like and save himself a pain in the arse.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Appleguy

If your referring to my post Thaedydal i think my points are valid.

If you cant control yourself on drink dont take a drink

Tell him the truth to save him the trouble of having to deal with her for any longer.

Pretty good advice i'd say

Jennyfer

Be honest, a relationship with secrets is no good. 4 weeks is not a long time for a relationship so if you're honest about what happened maybe you can both move on from it, but if you keep secrets they will come back to bite you on the ass someday.

LegacyUser

Say nothing.

Your guilt will dissipate and you won't gain anything by telling him - apart from getting dumped I would imagine.

I would never admit to cheating - I'd either break up with the person or cover my ass and continue (with the promise to myself never to do it again).

ManOfMystery

TempleogueHead wrote: »

I recently (4 weeks ago) got with a guy that I have been absoloutly infatuated with for years. We were, up until yesterday both crazy about eachother. at the weekend I was at a party and was drunk, one thing leads to another and I ended up cheating. I told him last night and were in pieces at the moment.. I think there is a chance of fixing things but I actually got up to more than I let on when I told him.. should I come clean about everything or just let it simmer and see what happens??
Thanks

Do you feel the slightest bit guilty or think what you did could possibly be, I dunno .......... wrong?

Your post comes across as very blasé, "One thing led to another, I cheated, blah blah". Almost like it's normal.

TempleogueHead

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Do you feel the slightest bit guilty or think what you did could possibly be, I dunno .......... wrong?

Your post comes across as very blasé, "One thing led to another, I cheated, blah blah". Almost like it's normal.

Of course i feel GUILTY! I feel like a worthless piece of ****.
I had never been drunk before (im 17) and I didnt know how it affected me and i know thats not a valid excuse but its the truth

TempleogueHead

Appleguy wrote: »

Your a disgrace. I'm glad your not 'absolutely infatuated' with me

If you cant keep your pants on after a few drinks you should seriously consider if you should be taking a drink at all.

Please dear god tell him the truth, that way he can run a mile when he finds out what your really like and save himself a pain in the arse.

I didnt have sex with him.
I told him the truth earlier today.. were finished and im heartbroken.

TempleogueHead

I know this whole thing makes me seem like such a bitch.. but I have never drunk before and now i know that it changes me in a way that is very very bad. I hate cheaters and i've become one..

Appleguy

TempleogueHead wrote: »

I know this whole thing makes me seem like such a bitch.. but I have never drunk before and now i know that it changes me in a way that is very very bad. I hate cheaters and i've become one..

Your 17 your young. If you never cheat again for the rest of your life your not a cheater.

Just take it easy on the drink until you discover your limits. You must have been fairly careless downing a naggin of vodka or something if it influenced you to do what you did.

Forget about it now and move on.

calahans

Dont beat yourself up too much! You have told him, and ok its not the full story, but thats not too bad (especially if you didnt have sex).

If you had not been drunk before then you have learned a lesson. Now learn it

Maybe the guy can forgive you, and if he cant, your still very young.

TempleogueHead

Appleguy wrote: »

Your 17 your young. If you never cheat again for the rest of your life your not a cheater.

Just take it easy on the drink until you discover your limits. You must have been fairly careless downing a naggin of vodka or something if it influenced you to do what you did.

Forget about it now and move on.

Love doesn't just go away, i'm young but I know that for sure..
Why can't guys understand that a mistake is a mistake?

TempleogueHead

calahans wrote: »

Dont beat yourself up too much! You have told him, and ok its not the full story, but thats not too bad (especially if you didnt have sex).

If you had not been drunk before then you have learned a lesson. Now learn it

Maybe the guy can forgive you, and if he cant, your still very young.

Just now he told me all the trust is gone.. and I broke his heart.. never felt worse!!! like if i was him I would think i didnt care, you know

JCDUB

I don't mean to sound condescending, but you're young, and teenagers have great bouncebackability.

Give it a few weeks and you'll be brand new.

Don't be too hard on yourself, just pace yourself when you drink and get to know your limits and you'll be grand.

Sounds like the thing with this guy was all moving a bit too fast anyhow, what with him telling you "the trust is gone" after four weeks. The trust was never even built up to begin with after such a short amount of time..

TempleogueHead

JCDUB wrote: »

I don't mean to sound condescending, but you're young, and teenagers have great bouncebackability.

Give it a few weeks and you'll be brand new.

Don't be too hard on yourself, just pace yourself when you drink and get to know your limits and you'll be grand.

Sounds like the thing with this guy was all moving a bit too fast anyhow, what with him telling you "the trust is gone" after four weeks. The trust was never even built up to begin with after such a short amount of time..

The thing is we've been really close for years.. thats where the trust came from. Maybe your right about the bounchin back thing but.. i feel like i will never forgive myself.. he said "i hope you find someone who will treat you as well as i would have" :mad::eek::mad::eek: ARGG! im so annoyed at myself..

Do you think there is any hope of forgiveness??

JCDUB

TempleogueHead wrote: »

The thing is we've been really close for years.. thats where the trust came from. Maybe your right about the bounchin back thing but.. i feel like i will never forgive myself.. he said "i hope you find someone who will treat you as well as i would have" :mad::eek::mad::eek: ARGG! im so annoyed at myself..

Do you think there is any hope of forgiveness??

I dunno if there is any hope, but if I were you I wouldn't be hoping for anything.

Put bluntly, he's a cock. Mature well rounded people don't have such a high opinion of themselves to say something like "I hope you find someone who will treat you as well as I would have" when they break up with someone.

That is arrogance of the highest order, and it sounds like he said it to purposefully piss you off. He also sounds like he hasn't the foggiest about how a relationship works. It's not about how well you treat someone, it's about how well you work with your partner and how you gel.

He's just a kid I suppose, a lot to learn.

TempleogueHead

JCDUB wrote: »

I dunno if there is any hope, but if I were you I wouldn't be hoping for anything.

Put bluntly, he's a cock. Mature well rounded people don't have such a high opinion of themselves to say something like "I hope you find someone who will treat you as well as I would have" when they break up with someone.

That is arrogance of the highest order, and it sounds like he said it to purposefully piss you off. He also sounds like he hasn't the foggiest about how a relationship works. It's not about how well you treat someone, it's about how well you work with your partner and how you gel.

He's just a kid I suppose, a lot to learn.

That actually makes sense.. He's 19.. he was in a relationship fr 3 years so he acts like he knows it all, and maybe he does.. more than me anyway!

AnonoBoy

JCDUB wrote: »

I dunno if there is any hope, but if I were you I wouldn't be hoping for anything.

Put bluntly, he's a cock. Mature well rounded people don't have such a high opinion of themselves to say something like "I hope you find someone who will treat you as well as I would have" when they break up with someone.

That is arrogance of the highest order, and it sounds like he said it to purposefully piss you off. He also sounds like he hasn't the foggiest about how a relationship works. It's not about how well you treat someone, it's about how well you work with your partner and how you gel.

He's just a kid I suppose, a lot to learn.

Completely understandable though that he would lash out after being hurt by someone he trusted.

JCDUB

TempleogueHead wrote: »

That actually makes sense.. He's 19.. he was in a relationship fr 3 years so he acts like he knows it all, and maybe he does.. more than me anyway!

Good, glad to see you're seeing the wood from the trees now!

Don't mind him, he has no more experience of a real relationship than you.

You're young, free and single. Get out there, have fun, be yourself and don't worry about it, it'll all happen when you least expect it.

And not trying to be preachy, but be careful on the gargle, for your own self-preservation. There are bad people out there:eek:

Sooo, all in all, message is "you're a teenager, enjoy being one and have fun with your friends":cool:

TempleogueHead

AnonoBoy: Thats what I think too.. It's such a scary feeling losing someone I can't even describe how I feel right now last night when I told him I saw all his feelings go in one second.. respect is huge to him and I knew that.. the only thing is I think he should understand that drink changed me dont you?

TempleogueHead

JCDUB wrote: »

Good, glad to see you're seeing the wood from the trees now!

Don't mind him, he has no more experience of a real relationship than you.

You're young, free and single. Get out there, have fun, be yourself and don't worry about it, it'll all happen when you least expect it.

And not trying to be preachy, but be careful on the gargle, for your own self-preservation. There are bad people out there:eek:

Sooo, all in all, message is "you're a teenager, enjoy being one and have fun with your friends":cool:

Awh support just what I need.. all my friends think im a complete bitch.. i just want it all to go away

JCDUB

TempleogueHead wrote: »

Awh support just what I need.. all my friends think im a complete bitch.. i just want it all to go away

Jerry's final thought:D:

You're not a complete bitch, you're a pleasant young teenager who does young teenage things. Your friends will soon have something better to chat about, and it'll all be forgotten this time next week.

It's how teenagers roll....


That is what young people say these days isn't it..?:o

TempleogueHead

JCDUB wrote: »

Jerry's final thought:D:

You're not a complete bitch, you're a pleasant young teenager who does young teenage things. Your friends will soon have something better to chat about, and it'll all be forgotten this time next week.

It's how teenagers roll....


That is what young people say these days isn't it..?:o

Not in so many words :P
Thanks for your advice

Time is a healer I suppose

Maguined

TempleogueHead wrote: »

AnonoBoy: Thats what I think too.. It's such a scary feeling losing someone I can't even describe how I feel right now last night when I told him I saw all his feelings go in one second.. respect is huge to him and I knew that.. the only thing is I think he should understand that drink changed me dont you?

If someone told me they cheated on me because they drank too much it wouldnt be an excuse as far as i am concerned, you cheated on him and that is all that matters.

It would be too much hassle in the future, would you be willing to never ever drink again so that he could trust you wouldnt cheat again? if you are not and you would drink but just not enough so that you would make another mistake then every single night you go out he will be sitting there wondering have you had too much to drink that night? that sort of worry will just create insane jealously and is unhealthy for a relationship.

You had your chance with this guy and blew it, it sucks but it is not the end of the world. Just forget about this guy and concentrate on what you can learn form this to improve your own life going forward so try not to drink too much, learn your limits etc.

TempleogueHead

Maguined wrote: »

If someone told me they cheated on me because they drank too much it wouldnt be an excuse as far as i am concerned, you cheated on him and that is all that matters.

It would be too much hassle in the future, would you be willing to never ever drink again so that he could trust you wouldnt cheat again? if you are not and you would drink but just not enough so that you would make another mistake then every single night you go out he will be sitting there wondering have you had too much to drink that night? that sort of worry will just create insane jealously and is unhealthy for a relationship.

You had your chance with this guy and blew it, it sucks but it is not the end of the world. Just forget about this guy and concentrate on what you can learn form this to improve your own life going forward so try not to drink too much, learn your limits etc.

Well.. I know my limits now..
I told him ( and this is the truth) that I would only drink if I was out with him and lots of reassuring things but I think I made things worse..

Wagon

TempleogueHead wrote: »

Well.. I know my limits now..
I told him ( and this is the truth) that I would only drink if I was out with him and lots of reassuring things but I think I made things worse..

It might be a little hard to hear this but I'd just give up. I'd never go back to a girl who cheated on me. A lot of people are the same.

Look at it this way:
If a girl cheated in her past and she told me, i wouldn't hold it against her.

If she cheated repeatadly, then i would be gone.

It's all circumstantial. If you address this as a complete cock up and learn not to do it again, then it's the best outcome you can hope for I certainly wouldn't be having any hope with this chap though. He knows enough to know that if the trust is gone then the relationship is dead so save yourself a lot of trouble and stop trying.

stackerman

TempleogueHead wrote: »

Why can't guys understand that a mistake is a mistake?

For the same reason 'girls' cant.

You'll get over it, just try to learn from it.

minidazzler

TempleogueHead wrote: »

Well.. I know my limits now..
I told him ( and this is the truth) that I would only drink if I was out with him and lots of reassuring things but I think I made things worse..

OP, I hate to sound condescending, but at 17, and only after drinking once, you do not know your limits, not by a long shot.

whatsamsn

I think the whole "op being 17" is said a little too much. Kind of like "oh shes young, thats ok"

I think her being 17 may of been the reason why it happened (her being young/inexperienced) but her age does not automatically remove any wrong doing from her. Simple fact she made a mistake. Lets call a mistake a mistake.

Op you did right by telling him.
I know he might feel like you burned everything by being honest but keeping secrets can be a very risky in relationships. If a lie ever comes out, even the smallest of things that get hidden then discovered later on can cause issues - let along a big lie such as cheating.


Op at least you told him So live and learn.

TempleogueHead

Wagon wrote: »

It might be a little hard to hear this but I'd just give up. I'd never go back to a girl who cheated on me. A lot of people are the same.

Look at it this way:
If a girl cheated in her past and she told me, i wouldn't hold it against her.

If she cheated repeatadly, then i would be gone.

It's all circumstantial. If you address this as a complete cock up and learn not to do it again, then it's the best outcome you can hope for I certainly wouldn't be having any hope with this chap though. He knows enough to know that if the trust is gone then the relationship is dead so save yourself a lot of trouble and stop trying.

Well I have only cheated once.. and i think he knows i would never ever again ;(;(

TempleogueHead

whatsamsn wrote: »

I think the whole "op being 17" is said a little too much. Kind of like "oh shes young, thats ok"

I think her being 17 may of been the reason why it happened (her being young/inexperienced) but her age does not automatically remove any wrong doing from her. Simple fact she made a mistake. Lets call a mistake a mistake.

Op you did right by telling him.
I know he might feel like you burned everything by being honest but keeping secrets can be a very risky in relationships. If a lie ever comes out, even the smallest of things that get hidden then discovered later on can cause issues - let along a big lie such as cheating.


Op at least you told him So live and learn.

Hmm.. "age is just a number baby"?
he's doing the leaving cert.. so I disnt want to tell him until after.. but everyone said I should I was soso confused!!!
The feeling of guilt i have now is so horrible.. ever wish you could go back and change something????

whatsamsn

We all have things we wish we could change anyone who says they dont are liars. Weather it be things we did on others, or things we let be done onto us. We all have regret in one shape.

Fact is, if you didnt tell him and he found out. Your guilt would even be more so.

You made a mistake. You feel guilty. Least you did the right thing. And you know what op? Most wouldnt tell after they cheat. So at least well done on that front Some people double your age wouldnt even think about being honest.

oldwan

listen, this is not the end of the world. you are a better person for being honest. and who knows, there is a lot of life ahead of you and maybe someday you and this guy could be older, get back in contact, at least he knows your an honest person.

means so much more when your older!!

Taltos

OP

for what it's worth - you f'd up royally. But welcome to the human race - we all mess up one way or another.

However - you fess'ed up - to me that speak more to your character than anything else in your post. For that alone I think you need to hold your head high. You made a mistake, you didn't kill someone and the only people hurt by your actions are you and your ex.

From my side - being someone who was cheated on - I will never get back with someone who did the dirt. But from your side - alcohol lowers your inhibitions - some say it releases the inner you... - take from this if you can then that this relationship just was not right for you - no matter what you might think.

Spend some time alone - learn from this mistake - and be damn careful around alcohol in the future. Try also to be honest with yourself why you cheated - ok no sex - but you did cheat, alcohol is just the excuse here...

Cianos

Don't beat yourself up about it so much. Yes you have probably broken the poor lads heart, but these things happen, you sound like you're aware of and not trying to cover up your mistakes which takes a lot of courage to do. I think you've learnt from this, and if he's hurt it won't be forever. Whether as a couple you can move beyond it, only time will tell.

In any case, you've got plenty of time to figure things out and grow from these kind of mistakes.

Wagon

TempleogueHead wrote: »

Well I have only cheated once.. and i think he knows i would never ever again ;(;(

No he doesn't.

How Strange

Taltos wrote: »

OP

for what it's worth - you f'd up royally. But welcome to the human race - we all mess up one way or another.

+1
You messed up but who hasn't. Don't beat yourself up about it but definitely try to learn from it so you don't make the same mistakes again. If you can't handle alcohol then stay away from it.

TempleogueHead

Wagon wrote: »

No he doesn't.

How do I let him know!?!?!?!?!

TempleogueHead

Taltos wrote: »

OP

for what it's worth - you f'd up royally. But welcome to the human race - we all mess up one way or another.

However - you fess'ed up - to me that speak more to your character than anything else in your post. For that alone I think you need to hold your head high. You made a mistake, you didn't kill someone and the only people hurt by your actions are you and your ex.

From my side - being someone who was cheated on - I will never get back with someone who did the dirt. But from your side - alcohol lowers your inhibitions - some say it releases the inner you... - take from this if you can then that this relationship just was not right for you - no matter what you might think.

Spend some time alone - learn from this mistake - and be damn careful around alcohol in the future. Try also to be honest with yourself why you cheated - ok no sex - but you did cheat, alcohol is just the excuse here...

Yeah it's the excuse, it's the REASON! why else would I do such a horrible thing to someone I love????

TempleogueHead

I think were starting to build bridges maybe

Wagon

TempleogueHead wrote: »

How do I let him know!?!?!?!?!

Look, you can't fúcking MAKE him believe you! That's up to him! He seems to have decided he doesn't believe you and wants out. Sorry but that's how it is!