Getting back in the game and getting hurt again...

LegacyUser

How do you protect yourself from getting hurt by men when you start dating again?

Last year i had a bad breakup, I'm 37 so we were engaged and I took it badly as he had been cheating. anyway, I've seen a few men casually since but there was no spark so no big romance so to speak.

A couple of months ago I met a guy and we hit it off, he didnt live here so we have been over and back to each other each weekend, normally seeing each other 4 or 5 days a week. Everything was going fine, he seems very caring and charming etc and there was defineltly a spark there on both sides. In fact he asked me to move in with him (I Know it was too early for that, but i am just setting the scene), but I asked to take it slow and wait and see. Was with him last wk and I asked him was the distance thing a problem, and he said it was a bit but that he wanted me in his life and we wouldnt always be apart. Anyway, since then he was sort of avoiding my calls, but then following up with txt's such as 'call u later sweetheart...just doing xzy' - and then all of a sudden yesterday I get a random txt yesterday dumping me.

Now I have no problem being dumped and can understand why if it is the distance thing, but by text? He's 39, could he not just have picked up the phone and said what he had to say and leave it amicable? I'm annoyed that he couldnt be bothered to do that. I liked him, but it was early days so it wasn't going to be a devestating blow. I called him and asked him to call me back but he won't - even though he knows it's annoying me. Seems like a cowardly thing to do. And maybe a control thing too, like he has the power over the situation. I don't even know why I am so annoyed, but I think it is because I would never dump someone by text as I think that is what teenagers do. We spent enough time together to justify a call at least I think.

So after putting myself back out there and letting someone back into my life, I'm now back to having lost faith in men again and wonder what can I do to forget about this, put it down to experience and move on. I think I am taking it hard as I am a bit disillusioned by relationships to be honest. Surely at this age people have more respect for each other?

Any advice appreciated. Thanks

smileyscientist

I can fully empathise with this OP.

The guy had been with since Nov last year didnt even have the balls to break up with me, just froze me out. Had to figure it out for myself. Still dont know what if anything I did wrong but have come to realise I will never know.

Its the lowest of the low when somebody just turns on you like that out of the blue, someone you trusted and possibly saw yourself having a future with:mad:

All I can say is your well rid of such a spineless twat, Im assured there not all like this but Ive yet to see evidence of this!!:) But just go and have fun and forget about this bad penny. Hurts like hell, i know but it will pass:)

LegacyUser

Thanks smileyscientist,

It does make you wonder when guys act like a coward, all it would have taken was a phone call and then I wouldn't feel like this.

And what is it about us women that lets emotions overrule our head? In reality it doesn't matter whether he called me back or not, as it says more about him than me, but emotionally I feel really upset about it and can't shake the feeling and the tears. What am I like??? And I don't feel any better today - can't even talk to friends about it as they would say just forget him and what am i going on about, but it has had a really badf effect on me for some reason.

Thanks again

LegacyUser

nothing much to add except exact same situation, engaged, very much in love and suddenly all over. roll on a year and a half later and starting seeing someone I'd met last year and been friends with since.

They were the one to pursue the whole thing and push for more than friendship, initially a bit overwhelmed when they told me they'd had feelings about me for quite some time and had in fact split up with someone they'd been seeing because they didn't think it fair on them as all they thought about was me.

Head was in a bit of a spin at first and tried to take it slowly as felt I had started to fall for them, slowly at first and quicker over the course of weeks not months! Was a bit freaked by the rush of emotions and scared sh*tless that I was opening up to quickly and could find myself back in the worst place I've ever been in my life.

So there's me trying to amble along, meanwhile they're asking me to go on holidays with them 4 months down the road.

Day after I head off and since??? never heard from them again, apart from one text two weeks later saying too much on at the moment, don't have time to fit me in.

Only difference between you and me OP is I'm a guy. Just given you a little perspective, emotions are not the sole domain of woman, we are just as capable of trusting someone, just as capable of being badly hurt, and just as capable of seeing the next girl with unbiased eyes.

Just as girls are equally capable of not being genuine, of being cowardly, and taking the easy option out.

I feel for you OP, but just remember it goes both ways. No need to tar the whole male gender because of a bad experience. Only person who loses out in that case is yourself.

Best of luck and consider yourself better out of it. That's what I'm doing

cafecolour

I'd say you dodged a bullet as the phrase goes. Anyone who will dump you by text(!) is quite cowardly.

Maybe give yourself a 'no dating for 6 months' rule or such? Focus on yourself for a bit? I'm a big believer that being secure in yourself and being able to be happy being single makes you much more secure in a relationship - and much more able not to take personally when you encounter a lemon.

But the only way to protect yourself against getting hurt is to keep yourself completely walled off emotionally. But that's not much of a relationship.

katie99

Anyone who dumps their partner by email or text isn't worth it. They are shallow, immature and juvenile.
I was dumped by email. I was very hurt and tearful. Couldn't figure out why he couldn't have met me to break it off, or at least phoned me with the bad news.
But in hindsight he displayed a lack of moral courage and respect for me that I am well rid of him.
I passed him by on Grafton street a fortnight ago. He thought I was going to stop to chat as he stood there smiling at me near HMV. I just said a polite 'hi' and kept walking.
A few hours later I received a text from him asking me 'why did you not stop for a chat?'. I didn't even respond.
He texted me again the same day and on the Sunday and I didn't respond to either of them.
He is the loser!!
I would agree that not all men or women behave like that.
It is the cowards that do 'cos they don't have the backbone.
I would suggest to you to take the whole dating game very easy.
Do the things YOU want to do, like maybe travelling, holidays, weekend breaks, join a walking club or whatever.
You will meet MR RIGHT and you will know it.
Best of luck.