Falling for a player

LegacyUser

How do I stop?

I'm not an idiot, I'm a 25 year old woman and I know what's going on here.

So a bit of background - he's 27, we met online about two years ago and ended up texting silly little messages to each other every so often. He's very good looking, athletic, really funny and we get on like a house on fire, but I deciphered pretty early on that he's out for what he can get. There's probably ten, twenty others like me, but I didn't think too much of it, afterall at this stage I hadn't even met the guy.

He's from a different part of the country and we're both pretty busy so that's why we didn't meet for so long.

I'd hear on and off from him and then all of a sudden a few months ago the texts became more frequent, to the point where we'd spend entire days from morning til night texting, with the odd phone call thrown in. We'd exchanged pictures and liked what we'd seen of each other, chatted on the phone and really hit it off, so I thought, what the hell, we're both single, I'll go meet him.

I knew he wasn't in it to make a new friend or to find a girlfriend, it was simply about the sex, but I was OK with that. We're both adults, I just wanted to get laid and this guy seemed a lot of fun, so I met him, stayed at his, we had a great weekend.

I get on so well with this guy it's unreal, but I'm under no illusions - he tells me about other girls he's sleeping with, and it's a lot - which makes me feel like another notch on the bed post.

He's invited me down in June and I really want to see him again, but feel like it's messing with my head. He texts me every single day, first thing in the morning. Then during the afternoon and right into the evening. Yet maintains we will 'never really be anything except sexual releases for each other' and I am his 'little fantasy.'

The sex is amazing but I want more, it's as simple as that. Should I just forget about him, quit responding to his texts and move on? I'm nearly addicting to texting him at this point.
I know this is exactly what I should do but I guess it's one of those situations where you can't look at things objectively because you're so personally involved. I guess I need to here it from other people, because I'm really falling for this guy.

Contessa Raven

lostcause? wrote: »

The sex is amazing but I want more, it's as simple as that.

I'm a firm believer in once someone wants more but isn't getting it, it's time to get out quick.

He won't change this situation. Why should he? He gets to have sex with you with no attachments. And if you do cut contact do you think he'll miss you for long? Probably not if he has so many others to get his kicks with. He's a loser who needs several women to feed his massive, delicate ego.

Sorry if it sounds harsh. I'm just laying it out how I see it. He's a player and he loves it. You deserve better. You want better. Don't hold yourself back for this loser.

Free yourself from this guys charms and you'll be open to meeting someone nice and genuine.

CR

G-Money

It's pretty obvious, end it. You know that yourself but you're not really willing to accept that. You're hoping that somehow you will be different to the rest and you will be the one that will cause him to change his mind. While that's not impossible, I'd say it's highly unlikely, no matter how nice you might be.

In fairness to him, he's told you the lay of the land, so you can't really blame him if he's told you he doesn't want a relationship and you keep seeing him in the hope that he changes his mind and you end up hurt further down the line.

If he's not willing to give you more, end it and walk away.

Eve_Dublin

Walk very, very quickly away from this guy. He WILL hurt you and the longer you leave it, the bigger the impact will be. Cut all contact with him....he´s not going to change his mind.

OP, I know you´re not stupid but first thing that sprang to mind when I read your post was "I really hope he´s using contraception with all the other women he´s sleeping with".

Keep your dignity and self-respect intact and run away!

PK2008

Unfortunately we all go through an experience like this where we want something we cant have and our heads get melted. Its just your time now OP, its painful but its a right of passage.

You could make it easier on yourself by backing away now but I doubt you're gonna do that. Like all addictions you have to hit rock bottom before you can begin to recover

G-Money

I was in a situation where I liked a girl and she flitted between just wanting to be friends and wanting more. It did my head in after a while and I got hurt and even though it was a while ago, I still never want to see her again. I even regret meeting her and I only have bad memories of her now. Any good memories were wiped out by how things ended.

I wished I'd copped on and just put my foot down and walked away but I didn't as I kept thinking she'd eventually come around to the idea. Big mistake.

Don't make the same mistake I did, walk away and definitely do the no contact thing.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, you're all right, I know you're right and it's exactly what I'd be saying to a friend if she came to me with this exact situation. It's far easier to dish it out, isn't it!

But I've completely let my emotions overrule downright common sense in such an obvious way and as someone else aptly described, my head is just melted. I can't stop thinking about him and every time my phone beeps, I'm hoping it's him.

He's told me he has an 'addictive personality' and seems to derive so much pleasure / entertainment out of texting me a million times a day and I find it impossible to not respond. It's not an excuse, it's just how I feel. Obviously I'm going to have to try.

grandmaster wrote: »

It's pretty obvious, end it. You know that yourself but you're not really willing to accept that.

This is so true. Very little has been happening in my love life recently and I guess I've been attaching far more value to this guy and its (lack of) potential than is healthy.

I think in my head I've reasoned myself into this by thinking 'well there's no-one else on the scene, why not?' but I don't think I am emotionally equipped to handle this situation. It's not in my wiring, whereas it's just sex to him. All these girls are 'just sex.'

What's making it so hard as well is the fact that I'd classify this guy as a friend in a sense - we get on so well. I've told him things and he's told me things that we haven't told anyone else and he'll say things like 'you're the only person I can be myself around.' He's not trying to woo me; he knows he already has me, he just truly believes that.

It's hearing those things and then knowing all he wants is to get the leg over that confuses and actually upsets me. Why am I not girlfriend material? I have to be honest - this seems to be a running theme in my love life of late - guys just wanting a cheap shAg - and it really hurts.

In my own messed up sense of logic, I'm just sort of thinking, well as soon as this guy is off the scene it's just going to be another guy who wants to bed me and then forget about me, so what have I got to lose?

LegacyUser

i have been there. i have the same feelings as grandmaster that i wished i did not waste those time hoping for something that is unlikely to happen.

i left finally. i miss the friendship we had. we had true friendship and i know he valued me. but he can't give me what i want, for years. time to quit. and i am very happy that i am out of it now, i feel the freedom.

op, once the other party cant give what you want, it's better to leave it.

tell him you want more from him and dont think it's good for you to keep contact with him. ask him to stop contact you unless he can give you what you want.

if you leave it now, hold firm with yourself, there might be a chance he would then think and ask himself what he wants. if you stick around and satisfying what he needs (friendship, trust in a person and sex too), it's rarely that he would have the moment to think he needs something more.

dont entertain him anymore. you deserve something better from a guy you are falling for.

Miss Fluff

You actually don't know him so you're not falling for him at all. You've spent one weekend with him in two years. You are merely hooked on the flattery and thrill of it all. I've been there, as has every single girl who has "met" someone online. He can portray any kind of image he wants and tell you every single thing you want to hear but if you're not spending physical time with him then it's worth nothing imho. OMG the amount of guys I have spoken to online who on paper seem absolutely perfect and then you meet them and it's like "who the hell are you??????"

He has been honest with you yes. But do you really want to start falling for someone who already has a girlfriend or is in fact merely riding rings around himself? Fine if that's all you want but if you feel yourself getting emotionally attached then scarper hon. You merely need to detox from the contact. You'd actually be surprised at the release you will feel by doing just that. Tell him you have met someone, you want to give it a shot, then block his number hon.

G-Money

You are using these reasons such as not having much luck recently, and the next guy just being the same and so on, as excuses to stay with him. The mind/heart can be very sneaky in that way when you want to convince yourself into thinking something.

It's a bit like when you're on a diet or something. If you have a bad day at work or something, you can convince yourself it's ok to "have a treat" or whatever. Same for an alcoholic and then it just keeps going and bang, you're back to square one. You are doing the same with this guy. You want to be with him so badly that you're making up all sorts of excuses and justifications for allowing yourself to continue down this path.

We've all been in your situation or something similar. You look for the smallest words, gestures, and statements by the other person as proof that they really do want to be with you. In your head you say to yourself "But they said x, and y and z, they wouldn't say that if they didn't genuinely like me and want to be with me." But in the cold light of day, these things mean nothing when the person isn't willing to back them up by actually doing something about it. Talk is cheap as they say.

We know what it's like if you haven't had much luck and someone appears on the scene, you can almost try too hard to make things work. At the end of the day you shouldn't be like a lawyer trying to convince a jury, in order to get someone to like you and want to be with you. Either they do, or they don't. It seems that this guy just wants sex and he's told you that.

The sooner you end it the better. For all you know you could meet Mr Perfect tomorrow but you're so hung up on this cul de sac you've been seeing that you'll most likely not recognise him or worse still, cast him aside like yesterdays newspaper. Cue more misery further down the line if you're still single.

Not having a go at you at all OP, just giving you a verbal shake to wake you up and realise the mistake you're making

Faith

OP, this guy is treating you so badly. Basically, you are his girlfriend but without the title, so he can keep sleeping around. He has the best of both worlds - he has all the benefits of a girlfriend but also has all the benefits of being single. Meanwhile, you have nothing but downsides. Is that really what you want? Do you really want to be someones option? Someone he can take or leave? By indulging his texts, you're just reinforcing all his benefits, while causing yourself endless pain.

I know you don't want to, but you need to cut this guy out of your life. It's the only way you can move on and find a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

longneck

totally agree with all the other posts.was in the exact same boat myself (without the sex part).the texting,phoning on a daily basis was unreal,yet nothing to back it up.no effort to take things further.when i pushed him for more he backed off big time.at first i thought i would miss the friendship,and in truth i did a bit,but i realised i was an ego boost or something for him.i feel really liberated now,no confusion and not tied to my phone.even find myself thinking about him less and less, so it will get easier.