How to Tackle Issue with Husband

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I need a little advice please. Me and my husband are not getting on great at the moment. Husband thinks everything is fine I don't. Lately he has been going out more and more on his own. Not to clubs just to the local for a few hours. Now I have no problem with this now and again but not every weekend. Also he never asks me to come along or arranges a night out for us. Now I know I could arrange a night out but I recently found out I am pregnant which we were both delighted about so I have been very tired. I did suggest the cinema a couple of times but he never committed. I also feel like he doesn't want to spend time with me and should I go and arrange things if he doesn't want to be there?

We were at a family event last night and a relative of his kept calling me fat names and rubbing my tummy about 5 times over the course of the night in front of different people. I have put on weight (4 and a half months pregnant I am bound to put on weight - I'm normally a size 12 so not fat by any means). I just laughed this all off as I didn't want to cause a scene but I was upset by it. I felt my husband should have said something? He was sanding beside this man at least two of the times it was said. Anyway this morning I tried to talk to him about it and he told me it wasn't said in badness. I don't think it was but it still wasn't a nice thing to have to listen to over the night. I felt my husband could have seen my point on this one and just agreed to step in should anything like that happen again? Please tell me am I overreacting? Is this all hormonal? How can I explain to my husband we need to do more things together and he should not want to spend all his free time doing his own thing? I have tried to talk about this before but it has created arguments. I don't want to get stressed with being pregnant but I feel if I don't tackle this now it will never improve and I don't want a baby to grow up with parents living seperate lives.

Any advice?

Neyite

Husbandissue wrote: »

he never asks me to come along or arranges a night out for us.
Why on earth are you waiting for an invitation? i would take charge if i were you. next time you think he is going to go to the pub, have a little nap earlier in the day, so you are rested, and tell him you are coming too. At least once a week, tag along and make it a date night for yourselves- if he prefers to go to the local on his own, he will soon organise a proper date night for you both.

Now I know I could arrange a night out but I recently found out I am pregnant which we were both delighted about so I have been very tired. I did suggest the cinema a couple of times but he never committed.
or organise one yourself, whats stopping you from booking tickets to the cinema and telling him you are taking him out? take your nap as above, and tell him the date and time to be ready.

I also feel like he doesn't want to spend time with me and should I go and arrange things if he doesn't want to be there?

We were at a family event last night and a relative of his kept calling me fat names and rubbing my tummy about 5 times over the course of the night in front of different people.

the comment from his relation was out of order - hormones or not, its a personal, derogatory comment, but its no good you seething there and then and expecting your husband is a mind-reader either, do you want him to address it now with that relation? if so you need to tell him- specifics.

you need to tell the relation yourself if you are getting annoyed. next time, stare him down, and say firmly "you made that joke about 5 times last week, and it wasnt even funny the first time. Do you really want me to start on your physical appearance? because i have a list!!"

I just laughed this all off as I didn't want to cause a scene but I was upset by it.

em, how was you husband supposed to know this was hurting you if you were laughing it off?
why are you expecting him to defend your honour?
.

I felt my husband should have said something? I felt my husband could have seen my point on this one and just agreed to step in should anything like that happen again?


How can I explain to my husband we need to do more things together and he should not want to spend all his free time doing his own thing?

with lots of guys specifics are needed. you need to tell him exactly what you need - as in,

- i dont mind how often you go to the local, but at least once a week you and i need to have a date night or i will be upset and feel left behind while you are having a good time without me.

- i am feeling self consious and sensitive about my body at the moment because of all the changes, and if your family slags me off it will upset me, so next time please nip it in the bud.

it sounds like you have your expectations of how he should feel/behave in your head, so by the time the issue is discussed, he has already unwittingly done wrong by your standards. you want him to take action in your relationship, but are not taking any yourself? girl, lead by example:D

good luck and congrats on your pregnancy:)

Elle Collins

Sorry but your husband spends a couple of hours down the local each weekend and you reckon you're living seperate lives??? Do you not think that's a bit of an overreaction?

By all means tell him you want to spend more time together but if you try to stop him spending a couple of hours a week down the pub I'd suggest you're letting yourself in for a very unhappy marriage.

Best of luck with the pregnancy. I reckon a lot of these feelings are probably hormonal. Try not to let yourself get too stressed out while you're pregnant.

Appleguy

Id say he is worried about supporting another child. Maybe financially or whatever i don't know your circumstances but that's what it sounds like to me. This explains his more frequent trips to the pub at the weekend without you. He's trying to forget all about it. And your not invited because he is thinking about the kid everytime he looks at you.

You better ask him what's wrong.

Doesn't sound like he is as delighted as he made out.

thegoodgirl

OP congratulations on the baby. I bet your very excited.
I haven't had children yet but I imagine people's relationships chnage during pregnancy and then when the baby arrives.

You might be hormonal but your entitled to be. He should be spoiling you rotten during this time. I think you should sit down and talk to him. Explain how you are feeling and ask him to make a little more effort as your feeling the way you do.

LegacyUser

Thanks to all for the replies. I have planned a date night for tonight and am going to talk to my husband about the issues. Neyite I think you are right. I seem to have expectations in my head and haven't communicated them to him clearly which isn't fair to him at all. I will do this tonight. Thanks again. I found your post very helpful. I did tell my husband on the night his relative was annoying me and the comments were hurtful. I tihnk that is why I was so mad he didn't stand in. I would have said something only it was a family event and I didn't want to cause a scene and ruin the night for others. I just thought my husband would have said something quietly to the relative and it would have stopped.

Apple guy that makes sense perhaps he is worried about the financial side of it but I do know he is over the moon about the baby. He has wanted to have one for years (we have been together a long time) but I wasn't ready and he wanted to wait until I was ready too. We planned this baby and were delighted to find out I was pregnant but he is a little bit of a worrier from time to time so your point is very valid.

THanks again to all. I think some of it is hormonal and some of it is that I haven't been clear in my feelings/expectations to my husband. I will speak to him tonight on our date night.

Taltos

OP - just remember.

No matter how obvious and clear you think an issue is to you - your hubbie is not a mind-reader and if like me - he may need what you think is plain as day spelled out to him in simple and calm terms.

Irrespective of the pregnancy and possible hormonal impacts - it is vital that couples learn how to communicate and continue to work on their relationship. Otherwise mis-interpretations occur and it gets all to easy to put off letting the other person know how you feel or care for them until such time that you do not anymore...

Congrats on the baby - and hope you both work through this in a constructive fashion.

How Strange

Taltos wrote: »

No matter how obvious and clear you think an issue is to you - your hubbie is not a mind-reader and if like me - he may need what you think is plain as day spelled out to him in simple and calm terms.

+1 to that.

I've found this is the only way to communicate with Mr HS. He doesn't pick up on nuances, hints, subtle comments. Full, all out, unambiguous communication is the only thing that works.

Once I figured this out it saved alot of time spent festering and over analysising things on my part and alot of confusion on his as to what he did wrong.