a break...

LegacyUser

Usual story. Me and the ex bf had loads of problems...long distance, different approaches to life, nothing much in common, very sort of "opposites attract" for a while but 3 years later and it was just annoying. Arguments getting worse, head wrecked, felt like I had to put my job first and not spend what remained of my spare time in stupid arguements and fights about nothing. I love him but my head was WRECKED.
Kind of situation where I'd said I'd leave if certain things didnt change, and the didn't so I had to put my money where my mouth was. So 5 weeks ago I said I needed space.
Kind of funny needing space when one person lives in Belfast and the other in Dublin. I needed freedom before my head exploded.
But, of course, I miss him like crazy!! But I feel like time has passed and I should nearly soldier on. Some days I feel ok, others awful. How do I know if its worth it? Part of me thinks maybe all couples have problems and I was too hasty...but then I could be back to square one and all the things he said he'd change when I left are exactly the same...he says things will be different but how do I know?
I know love is a gamble but its so hard to know whats worth the fight and whats not.
Anyone had a similar experience? Or do people just know whats right all the time. I'm so confused. So much for getting some space in my head...I'm in nearly as much stress as before.

Gillo

Hey OP
No one know's what's the right decision all the time.
I broke up with my ex a few months back and the first few weeks seemed great- new found freedom and all that, then the reality sets in and you realise it can get lonely too and tend to remember the better parts of the relatinship as opposed to all the crap. It's a natural part of the grieving precess when you break up, if you're not sure (as opposed to knowing you want to get back together) in my opinion maybe you're better staying single for the moment and see how you feel in a bit of time.
At the end of the day the breakup is pretty recent and it does get better over time so, take a bit of time to be yourself and enjoy not having those arguements or stress, a few months down the line I now feel a lot happier, chances are you will too.

LegacyUser

Hi OP
This could have been me writing this, I broke up from a long distance relationship myself a few months back after almost 7 years. My decision, in the end it was quite a snap decision by me and wondered if i'd done the right thing but swore to myself there would be no contact and no regrets.
Of course things will be hard but long distance relationships often last longer than ones which aren't, for the simple reason that you spend most of the time you are together trying not to argue, so by the time you do break up the relationship is well and truly burnt out (just my personal experience, maybe others will disagree; i don't know)
Also realised that i'd put so much of things i'd wanted to do on hold devoting time / funds i had to seeing him and travelling to see him. I've made a promise to myself to do something different every month just for me I'd felt that I had lost a lot of my individuality through the years, and wanted to get myself back out there.
I can honestly say I've never been happier, friends have commented that i'm totally different, much more outgoing, and I've recently met someone else . . . .
So really what i'm trying to say is if you believe you've made the right decision for you, don't have regrets and don't give up - life is too short, and things can work out fantastically

LegacyUser

...thanks. The words of encouragement help during these nightmare days. Its true that I felt my individuality was gone. That was part of it, like all I did was work and drive up for the weekend and spend half the time bickering. Pointless. PLus there was no time in the future where we were going to be able to live together, and I think after a certain amount of time couples need to make some kind of plans together. It was a real pressure. Our other friends were all getting engaged and chosing garden furniture there we were, in seperate cities. My work is kind of demanding.
But now here I am, single again, 31 with nothing to do with my time outside work and missing my ex like crazy. He was my friend...when you're with someone you dont make much effort making new friends, even if you say you will you dont have time. Feel bad that I hurt him too, and for potentially no real reason except me having a life crisis! Scared I'll end up on my own with 15 cats:-0
Relationships are tough, and then they end and it's tough...you'd wonder why we all bother!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Im in a very similar situation to you. Just had a weird break up with my 3yr boyfriend whos been living the other side of the world for the last year. We are doing no contact now, and Im not even sure whether he would want to hear from me or not, because I got the 'I miss you, or no wait Im over you, oh I miss you' near the end. Now Im faced with moving for a job, and if I take it, it would mean never being able to get back together.

He treated me badly, and I gave him chance after chance but nothing changed. In the end, even though he said he wanted another chance, when I left he didnt come after me too hard looking for it so I take that as a sign of how little effort he was going to give and that leaving was the right thing.

My head was melted, we would fight all the time, over nothing. So dont think even if we got back together that it would work out, but I really hate the idea of him being with someone else. That kills me inside. I really thought he was the one for me. I dont get into relationships easily, but he does.

I think, you are like me, you would rather he just cops on and treats you right than this break up.

Like you, I gave my ex so many chances, and you just have to get to the point where you accept that you can only give someone so many chances, if they dont step up, you have to call an end to it.

I think, in your heart of hearts you know this guy doesnt treat you right and you wont be happy with him. You want to believe he can change when he says he will, but if he wanted to treat you right he wouldve by now. Being loving and respectful to the one you love shouldnt be difficult.

You already know you should just keep 'soldiering' on, and Im going to do the same Although Im seriously lonely all of the time and hate being single now, stories like laras give me hope. I thnk Ill end up with 15 cats too!

But I started to realise, if Im with him, Im guaranteed to be at least slightly unhappy forever. This way, I have hope for my future, so as hard as it is, and how wrong it feels, I just have to look forward.

We will be fine!