Uncles partner didn't want me at his funeral because I'm gay

LegacyUser

Launched a homphobic tirade afterwards and implied that I shouldn't have been there because I'm gay. She is,bible thumping altar kissing and devout. It's suburban location but she is from a very rural part of Ireland

The Recliner

I understand this wasn't pleasant for you but any chance you could tell use what sort of advice you would like from the people here?

cafecolour

She's in the minority these days - I'm sure plenty of your family was silently wincing. Ignore her, continue to be pleasant to her (and everyone else in your family). However inappropriate it was, confronting her when her husband has just passed will be doubly so.

wylo

The Recliner wrote: »

I understand this wasn't pleasant for you but any chance you could tell use what sort of advice you would like from the people here?

bit harsh

Zaph

wylo wrote: »

bit harsh

I fail to see how. The OP's post was a statement and doesn't contain any questions. The event itself has passed, so it's hard to know whether they want advice on what they should have done or what they should do in similar cases in the future. Or perhaps there was something else they wanted advice on. The Recliner simply asked the question so that posters can give the appropriate advice, I fail to see any insensitivity in his post.

As an aside, if you have an issue with any post on this forum, please use the report post button (the little red triangle) rather than commenting on-thread. Thanks.

LegacyUser

I wasn't looking for advice as such, I didn't realise that advice was part of the charter....just sharing is a help....just sharing is cathartic...when people share here or elsewhere they are not necessarily looking for advice....in the virtual and non-virtual world please remember that....people sometimes just want a listener

ztoical

--------------- wrote: »

I wasn't looking for advice as such, I didn't realise that advice was part of the charter....just sharing is a help....just sharing is cathartic...when people share here or elsewhere they are not necessarily looking for advice....in the virtual and non-virtual world please remember that....people sometimes just want a listener

PI is for people looking for advice on issues. There is a GLBT forum which might be more suited.

Nailz

Did you go to the funeral regardless? You should have anyway, he's your uncle after all, you own family, he would have wanted you there, **** her prejudice, she doesn't have a say and you shouldn't even consider that she does. Although you didn't ask for advice, I'll pass you some anyway, cause I'm a nice guy;

Nevyn

If she wasn't his wife then she is not next of kin and frankly she can feck off.
If she was living with him in sin then she doesn't have a moral leg to stand on.
Talk to your grand/parents about this, find out what the rest of the family think.

The Recliner

Nailz wrote: »

Did you go to the funeral regardless? You should have anyway, he's your uncle after all, you own family, he would have wanted you there, **** her prejudice, she doesn't have a say and you shouldn't even consider that she does. Although you didn't ask for advice, I'll pass you some anyway, cause I'm a nice guy;

Give her swift good kick in the gowl, throw her a dildo and tell her to go **** herself.

Advocating violence is against the forum charter, please reread the charter before you post again, banned for a week

The Corinthian

Thaedydal wrote: »

If she wasn't his wife then she is not next of kin and frankly she can feck off.
If she was living with him in sin then she doesn't have a moral leg to stand on.
Talk to your grand/parents about this, find out what the rest of the family think.

Indeed - a cursory reading of this thread had me scratching my head. She is a "bible thumping altar kissing and devout" person, yet did not appear to be married to your uncle (unless you are applying the term partner liberally), despite it being in clear violation of the "bible thumping altar kissing and devout" rules of pretty much every Christian denomination.

Essentially she was "living in sin", according to her own moral code - it's adultery according to Catholicism - a mortal sin - so I'm perplexed as to how she managed to climb from under your late uncle onto a high horse so speedily. I really do despise provincials and their warped hypocrisies.

Anyhow - while she is no doubt grieving for the loss of her partner, I find it difficult to justify such a rejection of a family member and would, as Thead suggested, be tempted (not sure if it would be appropriate) to point out that you are a family member while she, in both the eyes of the law and her God, is not.

LegacyUser

she wasn't living in sin, made a point of stressing her virgin status and separate sleeping arrangements in public.

OS119

--------------- wrote: »

she wasn't living in sin, made a point of stressing her virgin status and separate sleeping arrangements in public.

ok, so she's a nutjob with very odd ideas about the demarkation between public and private.

while i wouldn't doubt how awful it must have been to be subjected to this tirade at this most inappropriate of moments, i think you need to take stock.

do the people you really care about accept, love and respect you for who you are?

are the people who you really want to respect, love, and accept you utterly horrified by her views and behaviour?

do you believe that that she is telling the truth - that your uncle actually believed what she said he believed?

could you happily never see, speak to or even acknowledge the existance of this grotesque harridan ever again?

my own view would be to concentrate on the people who's views of you you care about, and use that to 'brush aside' this deeply unpleasent experience. if it turns out that her views of you are not shared by the people you care about then you should just cut her out of your life, and despite the very upsetting nature of it, give it no more thought than if some drunken neanderthal had yelled abuse at you in the city centre.

if however you discover that the same attitude is found in the people you really care about, then you need to, in the short to medium term, get a new family.

Cheap Thrills!

--------------- wrote: »

she wasn't living in sin, made a point of stressing her virgin status and separate sleeping arrangements in public.

One of those weirdo hypocritical extremists.

Its none of her business who goes to the funeral OR the Monthsmind if there is one. You make sure you go along and sit near the front and face that b1tch down.

Petty, cowardly bullying hypocrite is all she is.

cafecolour

--------------- wrote: »

she wasn't living in sin, made a point of stressing her virgin status and separate sleeping arrangements in public.

Okay. I was thinking this was someone you and your family had some respect for, and that's why it hurt you. But this? She's literally crazy (I wouldn't be surprised if people in you family call her crazy Aunt XXXX). This was probably the only time people even pretended to listen to her, if to be polite. Otherwise I'd guess she's studiously avoided.

Seriously, you need to save your energy for homophobia from people who should know better, have some influence, or you actually care about. This is like a crazy homeless guy calling you a faXXot because you didn't give him change.

The Corinthian

--------------- wrote: »

she wasn't living in sin, made a point of stressing her virgin status and separate sleeping arrangements in public.

That's very odd. Very odd. Of course, it might be a complete lie - there's no shortage of moralistic prudes who will swear blind that they were virgins when they married (and technically were, if you don't count anal sex), for example.

Her relationship to your uncle was not what I would describe as being a 'partner'. Housemate perhaps, even live in 'help', but as a partner you really have to cross that line of intimacy, otherwise any two people sharing a flat would be partners.

Regardless, you are family and she is not. Bottom line.

Playing Devils Advocate, the only possible reason (exasperated by her loss) that I can think of for her behavior that does not paint her as a complete nutjob, is your image - gay does not really explain this, as there are lots of different types of gays.

Some are hidden deeply in the closet. Others are open about it, but you wouldn't know about it because they basically look like everyone else. Others again wouldn't know what to wear, what music to like, how to talk, or what to say if they weren't gay. If you fall into the last category, then I can understand how effectively upstaging your uncle, in what is probably a conservative community, would not be welcomed.

That is about the only possible explanation for her hostility that I can conceive of, outside of insanity.

The Corinthian

The Corinthian wrote: »

Playing Devils Advocate, the only possible reason (exasperated by her loss) that I can think of for her behavior that does not paint her as a complete nutjob, is your image - gay does not really explain this, as there are lots of different types of gays.

Some are hidden deeply in the closet. Others are open about it, but you wouldn't know about it because they basically look like everyone else. Others again wouldn't know what to wear, what music to like, how to talk, or what to say if they weren't gay. If you fall into the last category, then I can understand how effectively upstaging your uncle, in what is probably a conservative community, would not be welcomed.

That is about the only possible explanation for her hostility that I can conceive of, outside of insanity.

Bullscheese!

Funerals aren't social events, and they aren't primarily about the person who has past. They are to help the people who are left behind have closure.
If someone was inclined to be bothered to make a big deal out of ops appearance, that would crash ignorance on their part.

I think what has happened here, is that your uncle has been keeping a lid on her puritanical brainwashed claptrap.
She knows she won't get a chance to have a dig at you again.
Especially at a time, where any decent person with common sense. Will just leave the insult lie, rather than cause even more upset.

seamus

Moonbaby wrote: »

Funerals aren't social events, and they aren't primarily about the person who has past. They are to help the people who are left behind have closure

In an ideal world. Unfortunately some people, particularly those from very secluded communities, are so wrapped up in image and appearance, that they lose sight of the meaning of even most basic of social rituals. The obsession over "what will the neighbours think" doesn't stop at weddings, funerals are equally seen as social events where you need to maintain face.

Since it's clear enough from the OP that he went to the funeral, hopefully his only tie to this woman is now severed and he never has to deal with her crap again.

The Corinthian

Moonbaby wrote: »

Funerals aren't social events, and they aren't primarily about the person who has past. They are to help the people who are left behind have closure.
If someone was inclined to be bothered to make a big deal out of ops appearance, that would crash ignorance on their part.

As Seamus pointed out funerals are a bit more complex than your curt definition. My point was based purely on the hypothesis that the OP somehow stood out and thus became a major talking point, distracting attention from the deceased. In such communities it takes little for this to happen - if he turned up with his partner and if any kind of show of affection was visible between them, it would undoubtedly become a local 'scandal'.

And if that occurred, I can see that it would have set her off, even if such a reaction is unfair.

I think what has happened here, is that your uncle has been keeping a lid on her puritanical brainwashed claptrap.

Perhaps and indeed most likely (which is why I said I was playing Devils Advocate), but ultimately we're all guessing. If you read back you'll see everyone assumed she was intimate with the late uncle too, until we were corrected, and so without really knowing the full story we can only speculate.

Or we can get indignant and cry "bullscheese" if it makes us feel better.

greenprincess

Thats horrible!! At least it sounds like the rest of your family dont think that way. And she's not even part of your family now :-D . With you uncle dead, RIP, she isnt part of your family.

Cianos

Was it really as big a deal as is being portrayed here? In life you come across all kinds of people with outdated views and opinions. Yes they can be upsetting at times, but it's usually representative of a completely different way of life or upbringing. She sounds old and outdated and capable of any kind of homophobic/racist/bigoted outburst, but maybe you should just accept that she is not liberally minded and get on with it. She's not going to change her ways at this point in life so making a big deal about it isn't going to change much and will probably only cause you more hassle in the long run. If your family by and large have no trouble at all with your lifestyle, then trying to make a statement by putting your aged Aunt in her place is not worth it at all imo.

Beruthiel

--------------- wrote: »

she wasn't living in sin, made a point of stressing her virgin status and separate sleeping arrangements in public.

I'm inclined to agree with TC.
If she wasn't married to him and wasn't having sex with him, she was nothing more than a housemate.
And a fruitcake.
Why you would allow a crazy woman like that bother you for one second is beyond me.
It always makes me laugh how some fanatically religious people are so unbelievably intolerant.
Pity her.
She's clearly a couple of cans short of a sixpack.

philologos

Irrespective of that Beruthiel, Christianity doesn't mandate such treatment even if one disagrees about the moral standpoint of homosexual acts etc. Churches, are full of sinners, there is no reason to deny one more or to say that that one sinner is worse than you, or any of the other sinners in that church on a given day.

I know this isn't encouraged, but just to highlight this:

James 2:13 wrote:

For judgement is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgement.

The Corinthian

Jakkass wrote: »

Irrespective of that Beruthiel, Christianity doesn't mandate such treatment even if one disagrees about the moral standpoint of homosexual acts etc. Churches, are full of sinners, there is no reason to deny one more or to say that that one sinner is worse than you, or any of the other sinners in that church on a given day.

Depends on which Christian church. And the culture that has influenced that church, for that matter. Certainly, there is no shortage of pretty negative, and often violently so, attitudes against homosexuals in Christianity - both historically and in scripture:

Levicticus 18:22 wrote:

You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination

Corinthians 1 6:9 wrote:

Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither the immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor sexual perverts

Timothy 1 1:9-10 wrote:

understanding this, that the law is not laid down for the just but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and sinners... immoral persons, sodomites... and whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine

Now your own particular Christian sect may be more forgiving than most, but that is hardly doctrine for all Christian sects and denominations, is it?

philologos

The Corinthian, this neglects the concept in Christianity, that all people have fallen short of God's standard, and that we need forgiveness. In not showing the same mercy and compassion to the OP as she was shown by Christ for her sins, she is in effect being a hypocrite.

Yes, in most interpretations of Christianity homosexual acts are sinful, however it is no excuse to treat anyone as anything other than another created in God's image.

dudara

Enough religion posters

dudara

The Corinthian

Jakkass wrote: »

The Corinthian, this neglects the concept in Christianity, that all people have fallen short of God's standard, and that we need forgiveness. In not showing the same mercy and compassion to the OP as she was shown by Christ for her sins, she is in effect being a hypocrite.

That would be your own sect's interpretation - I'm not sure you are in a position to speak for all Christianity. Unless you're right and they're wrong

Yes, in most interpretations of Christianity homosexual acts are sinful, however it is no excuse to treat anyone as anything other than another created in God's image.

I think it is pretty clearly stated in scripture that homosexual acts are sinful, so I would imagine that in all interpretations of Christianity, and for that matter all the Abrahamic faiths, it is considered sinful. That some may have greater mercy for such sinners is a different matter.

The Corinthian

dudara wrote: »

Enough religion posters

Sorry

philologos

Irrespective of whether or not the OP regards it as sinful doesn't mean that it is a reason to treat someone like this even in comparison to the belief system that she is meant to hold herself.

dudara: OK, but the issue itself seems to revolve around someones understanding or misunderstanding of a belief system. It seems a bit gratuitous to dismiss conversation about the very issue?

The Recliner

Jakkass wrote: »

dudara: OK, but the issue itself seems to revolve around someones understanding or misunderstanding of a belief system. It seems a bit gratuitous to dismiss conversation about the very issue?

Not really

The OP has admitted that they didn't really post here for advice but seeing as it is here the advice should center around how to handle the situation they find themselves in

He isn't going to be able to change his Uncles "partner's" beliefs just needs to be able to cope wiht them

LegacyUser

Thanks all, I'm ok now, it's was just initially a shock, like being hit by a bus unexpectedly but fine now.....Yeah there is definitely faulty wiring in her brain.

Sharing helps so thanks for listening!