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Office issue - am i overreacting?

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  • 15-05-2010 10:25pm
    #1
    QQ1Cup
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3 ✭


    Hi,

    some background: I'm male, in my mid-30s and I work in a senior position for a multinational company. This girl started a few months ago. We're not in the same department but I do work with her at times.

    I used to invite her over to eat lunch with us, back when I saw her eating alone in the canteen, and she didnt know anyone in her department. Besides that, we don't interact outside of work.

    She asked me out for a drink some time ago, but I turned her down as gently as I could. She's good looking I guess - she's a lots of makeup, lots of cleavage and enjoy showing it off type of girl, but not my type at all, personality-wise.

    One of the problems is that she's quite touchy towards me ... like yesterday after I had helped her out with something work-related, she calls into my office, tells me "thank you", then puts her hand on my chest and holds it there for waaay longer than is appropriate, if you know what I mean.

    Also, according to a mate of mine in her department, she's been making some comments about me to her colleagues which boils down to me & her having a relationship sooner or later - which is grand if the comments are taken into isolation, but there's something about this which smells a bit off to me.

    I'm not sure if i'm overreacting, but I do feel a bit uncomfortable with how she's acting towards me. Is it alright to just tell her just that, or shall I just leave it?

    I'm not irish , so i'm a bit hazy in regards to workplace dynamics over here.


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    #2
    Silverfish
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,696 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    Can you bring it up with a manager that you find her behaviour inappropriate?

    Perhaps try telling this girl first that you'd prefer if she didn't do that etc, so that way at least you've gone through the steps of attempting to resolve the issue yourself.

    I don't think you're overreacting, I think the workplace is the last place someone should be made to feel uncomfortable in this way.


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    #3
    Denimgirl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 392 ✭✭Denimgirl


    QQ1Cup wrote: »
    Hi,

    some background: I'm male, in my mid-30s and I work in a senior position for a multinational company. This girl started a few months ago. We're not in the same department but I do work with her at times.

    I used to invite her over to eat lunch with us, back when I saw her eating alone in the canteen, and she didnt know anyone in her department. Besides that, we don't interact outside of work.

    She asked me out for a drink some time ago, but I turned her down as gently as I could. She's good looking I guess - she's a lots of makeup, lots of cleavage and enjoy showing it off type of girl, but not my type at all, personality-wise.

    One of the problems is that she's quite touchy towards me ... like yesterday after I had helped her out with something work-related, she calls into my office, tells me "thank you", then puts her hand on my chest and holds it there for waaay longer than is appropriate, if you know what I mean.

    Also, according to a mate of mine in her department, she's been making some comments about me to her colleagues which boils down to me & her having a relationship sooner or later - which is grand if the comments are taken into isolation, but there's something about this which smells a bit off to me.

    I'm not sure if i'm overreacting, but I do feel a bit uncomfortable with how she's acting towards me. Is it alright to just tell her just that, or shall I just leave it?

    I'm not irish , so i'm a bit hazy in regards to workplace dynamics over here.
    OK, she fancies you, but if she gets a bit too touchy feely again there is ways of her getting the message and not make a huge thing about it with HR and mangers getting involved,it would make things very awkward for both you and her and you know what offices are like for gossiping!!if she leaves her hand on your chest again too long look down at it and be very formal and walk away and do something give her the impression she can't be that comfortable with you to do these things.you could talk also about your "girlfriend"in passing conversation wether you have one or not say you have a met a new one girl if she knew you had'nt one.


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    #4
    Stabshauptmann
    Registered Users Posts: 4,885 ✭✭✭Stabshauptmann


    Do not involve HR or managers. God, that would mortify the poor girl for no good reason and you would be labelled a freak by co-workers.

    She fancies you, its not a big deal, there has been some unintentional signals being sent out by you and the best way to deal with it tbh is to be as cold as ice until it blows over.

    If she does something that makes you feel uncomfortable, look uncomfortable and say "dont do that". Its really that simple


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    #5
    zxcvbnm1
    Registered Users Posts: 422 ✭✭zxcvbnm1


    Silverfish wrote: »
    Can you bring it up with a manager that you find her behaviour inappropriate?

    .

    The last thing you want to do is take the advice above.
    You're an adult - you certainly don't need to tell the teacher to fight your battles for you if u want to keep your pride.
    And i'd seriously doubt HR would be comfortable getting involved also.

    This is hardly a big deal.

    All you need to do is be polite but distant when you have to deal with her on work issues - and she will get the message.
    And don't talk to her at all on non-work issues.

    Simple as that - it will eventually die down.

    I do think you are overreacting.


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    #6
    MagicSean
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,897 ✭✭✭MagicSean


    Some strange responses. If the sexes were reversed attitudes would be different. First things first, she isn't a mind reader so let her know you aren't interested and you don't like the touching. Tell her it's just a personal thing. Also tell her you would like to remain friends. She probably has you down as a sort of white knight being throwing her a life raft when she first started. If things continue then inform a superviser. Tell them you will try and put an end to it again but you feel they should be aware of the situation. Then have another go at her. If she still continues after your second warning ask your superviser to step in. YOu don't really know this woman. If she is unbalanced at all you could find yourself on the end of a sexual harassment complaint. Keep a written record of any incidents between you.


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    #7
    sajama
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭sajama


    k_mac wrote: »
    Some strange responses. If the sexes were reversed attitudes would be different. First things first, she isn't a mind reader so let her know you aren't interested and you don't like the touching. Tell her it's just a personal thing. Also tell her you would like to remain friends. She probably has you down as a sort of white knight being throwing her a life raft when she first started. If things continue then inform a superviser. Tell them you will try and put an end to it again but you feel they should be aware of the situation. Then have another go at her. If she still continues after your second warning ask your superviser to step in. YOu don't really know this woman. If she is unbalanced at all you could find yourself on the end of a sexual harassment complaint. Keep a written record of any incidents between you.

    +1 to all of this - if she does it again you definitely need to tell her you are not comfortable with that. There is no sense in just playing cool and ignoring it - she needs to know you are not interested in her in that way and you find her behaviour unprofessional. She should stop then, especially since you are in a senior position.

    Only if she persists should you think about approaching anyone else.


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    #8
    Redpunto
    Registered Users Posts: 2,024 ✭✭✭Redpunto


    Stop helping her and stop inviting her to your table at lunch, try and limit all contact as much as possible and hopefully she will get the message. If she doesnt then you'll have to say it out loud to her that you do not appreciate any of her advances.


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    #9
    KillerKity
    Registered Users Posts: 149 ✭✭KillerKity


    I had a similiar enough experience althought I'm female. I felt the same as you OP and made it VERY clear I wasn't interested. If she comes too close- stand back, if she touches you, you're within your right to tell her not to. Don't be rude but if you're not interested make sure you don't send her mixed signals eithers. Office politics are a tricky one where peoples feelings/pride can easily get hurt if things aren't dealt with properly.

    Good luck!


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    #10
    kjl
    Registered Users Posts: 3,127 ✭✭✭kjl


    Three words, I am gay. Just kidding,

    TBH I don't see what your problem is, she is a little bit in awe with you, most guys would take that as a complement. Can you explain why you don't want to date her? Do you have a GF? Do you not find her attractive? because the personality clash thing just sounds like rubbish to me. I like the fact that she is a bit forward, if it was me I would go on a date and see how it went.


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    #11
    Elle Collins
    Closed Accounts Posts: 681 ✭✭✭Elle Collins


    Tell her to back off in no uncertain terms. She has NO business putting her hands on your body without your consent. You have already refused a drink with her and she is refusing to take no for an answer. If the genders were reversed here people would be talking about sexual harassment, and they'd be right. You don't need to be female to be harassed sexually you know.


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    #12
    MRBEAVER
    Closed Accounts Posts: 206 ✭✭MRBEAVER


    I think you are overreacting. Take it as a compliment. If you go to HR you will regret it as it will damage you as well as her. I think that any guy who acted in this way though in today's PC enviroment would be very stupid. Having seen what has happened to male colleagues I wouldn't dare touch a female colleague (not even a pat on the shoulder)or make any sort of general comment of a sexual nature to a female co worker as it would leave me open to disiplinary action for sexual harrassement.


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