Why can't I get a boyfriend?

LegacyUser

Hey Guys...

I don't want this to sound like I'm feeling awfully sorry for myself or I'm wollowing in self pity, but this is really starting to bother me.

As the title says-I just can't seem to get a longterm boyfriend. I have no problem attracting men, I just can't hold on to them, or rather they don't want to stick around.
This has nothing to do with getting into bed with men too soon... that rarely happens with me. I'm hoping for a longterm thing so I don't just jump into the sack with the guy on our first, second or even third meeting. I want people to get to know me.

But this seems to be where the problem lies. The many men I like and who hit on me are only interested in me for my looks, or so it seems to me. It's always the same conversational topics-"you're so hot", "you're so sexy", "you've got the hottest body I 've ever seen". I always try to get things on another level and let my intelligence, wit, humour shine through... but to be honest they couldn't care if I'm as ditsy as a plank, they just want to know about my looks and my body. Some try to get me into bed, some don't... but none of them stick around for very long.

Male friends tell me I'm intimidating... because I take care of my looks and body, but also because I am successful and independent. I don't understand this really, because I am also very warm and friendly. I think I'd make a lovely girlfriend... I'm extremely loyal and would adore a guy who adores me!

I think maybe men think I don't chase them enough. I'm not clingy and I'm not needy. A lot of the guys I have been with would have been very good looking but yet extremely insecure and constantly looked for reassurence of their attractiveness. Hence they leave me and move on to girls who chase them and hound them. Jeez I thought this kind of behavior freaked most guys out!!!
But I've also dated more ordinary looking guys who just enjoyed showing me off and then dumped me for someone plainer because (according to what I've heard back) they didn't want to be having to deal with other men eyeing me up and hitting on me.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lonely and feel I'm the only one of my peers who cannot get a proper boyfriend.

I've tried online dating and we have great conversations til it comes to meeting up and then it's "woooh you're so hot!", then they slowly stop contact.

Please guys, hit me with any opinions you have. Any girls in a similar situation, or guys! I just don't want to spent the rest of my life going from one casual fling to the next.

Thanks so much for reading!

Appleguy

I'm kinda in the same boat. And from what i have found is that most of the time when your out looking for a serious relationship your less likely to find it. More often than not when your not looking for one, it finds you.

I would start by doing the following. Any guy that starts his first chat up line with "your so sexy", "you have the best body ever" etc should be ignored. My personal opinion is that any guy who opens with that is a tool, is seeing you as an object and not for the person you are and hence you should have nothing to do with them. They are only in it for one thing.

Secondly you need to do some of the work. I know myself, even if there is a really hot girl at the bar most of the time i wouldn't have the balls to go and start chatting her up. Only these other guys who are out only for sex and not looking for anything long term will do this.

What i would suggest to combat this is that if you see a guy you like. You should go to him. Keep an eye on the group he is with. You can tell a lot by just watching them without even approaching.

If he is the one cracking all the jokes etc could be a funny guy. If he is always smiling he is probably very happy in the company he is in and very comfortable with himself. If you see him go chatting up somebody else he's confident etc etc. If you see somebody who ticks the boxes for you then go to him and don't wait for him to come to you. Because chances are he wont (just considering that your friends say your intimidating to men)

Good luck with it!

As for the guys who don't stick around long term.I would ask a friend if you do anything that's really annoying, a true friend will tell you.

I remember being with a girl recently who was great looking but wasn't the most intellectual/intelligent person in the world. She was a real dits come to think of it and i was only scoring her for a few weeks before i got out of there. Unfortunately the honest truth of why i left her was because i couldn't deal with the amount of time 'LOIKE" was in a sentence.
"I was out loike shopping today and i loike got these beautiful new shoes and they were only loike €40". Could be something simple that you do that could get on guys nerves.

Do you think these men don't stick around long enough because they are not getting sex during the early part of dating them? If this is the case they are not worth having anyway.

Hope i've helped in some way

legend365

From Russia With Love wrote: »

Hey Guys...

I don't want this to sound like I'm feeling awfully sorry for myself or I'm wollowing in self pity.

I have no problem attracting men.

I'm hoping for a longterm thing.

I take care of my looks and body,
I am successful and independent.
I am also very warm and friendly.
I think I'd make a lovely girlfriend...
I'm extremely loyal and would adore a guy who adores me!

I'm not clingy and I'm not needy.

But I've also dated more ordinary looking guys who just enjoyed showing me off and then dumped me for someone plainer because (according to what I've heard back) they didn't want to be having to deal with other men eyeing me up and hitting on me.



Please guys, hit me....

Thanks so much for reading!

Sorry for yourself? Self pity?

Certainly think alot of yourself and not much about some 'plainer'.

You sound like a real catch. -_-

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I totally can relate to you! I have the exact same problem and it sucks!

I honestly don't know what to say though because I've yet to figure out why I can't have a long term relationship. I have no problem attracting guys but they never seem to last longer than a few months. I get compliments on my looks all the time and have tons of friends - I'm a decent person and I also think I would make a good girlfriend. But I seem to often attract guys who come out with the same lines as you've been hearing.

Anyway I just thought I'd let you know that you're not alone. I'm very particular now about the types of guys I date now - I really try to avoid the overly flirty types who are probably only after one thing. I really just want a decent, kind, normal guy who loves me for me - it's way easier said than done though

MrMojoRising

You sound pretty conceited and arrogant tbh.
I think thats the problem, not the ones you've outlined above.

seenitall

Hey OP,

I don't think you come across as arrogant at all. You come across as a confident woman who is comfortable in her own skin, so more power to you!

In my experience, most people (not just men!) have trouble dealing romantically with truly confident people, as most people actually lack true confidence about themselves. As I have said before, it is just easier for non-confident people to be in a relationship with someone who is more eager to please them than please themselves. So, confident people should stick to having relationships with equally well-adjusted and confident people.

I don't think there is any need to doubt yourself or your ability to form a meaningful relationship. It is just because you are a great package inside and out, that it will probably take a little while till you meet someone who will be your equal in that regard. Please stop stressing, the more you stress, the more negative or desparate vibe there will be around you, and your confidence will then be eroded. Not a good prospect.

I would steer clear of internet dating if I were you, or at least take it with a big pinch of salt. I have a lot of experience with this, and mostly the people you find on these sites are NOT overly healthy emotionally or well-adjusted (myself included! ) - I wouldn't judge all mankind by the standards of the internet dating sites. Try and meet more people connected through interests, hobbies, activities, through friends etc.

Just relax and enjoy your life. I know it sometimes sounds easier than it is, but to end up with a completely wrong person out of some misplaced sense of compromise of your values could be far, far worse.

The best of luck to you.

Denimgirl

seenitall wrote: »

Hey OP,

I don't think you come across as arrogant at all. You come across as a confident woman who is comfortable in her own skin, so more power to you!

In my experience, most people (not just men!) have trouble dealing romantically with truly confident people, as most people actually lack true confidence about themselves. As I have said before, it is just easier for non-confident people to be in a relationship with someone who is more eager to please them than please themselves. So, confident people should stick to having relationships with equally well-adjusted and confident people.

I don't think there is any need to doubt yourself or your ability to form a meaningful relationship. It is just because you are a great package inside and out, that it will probably take a little while till you meet someone who will be your equal in that regard. Please stop stressing, the more you stress, the more negative or desparate vibe there will be around you, and your confidence will then be eroded. Not a good prospect.

I would steer clear of internet dating if I were you, or at least take it with a big pinch of salt. I have a lot of experience with this, and mostly the people you find on these sites are NOT overly healthy emotionally or well-adjusted (myself included! ) - I wouldn't judge all mankind by the standards of the internet dating sites. Try and meet more people connected through interests, hobbies, activities, through friends etc.

Just relax and enjoy your life. I know it sometimes sounds easier than it is, but to end up with a completely wrong person out of some misplaced sense of compromise of your values could be far, far worse.

The best of luck to you.

I totally agree with seenitall, I don't think you come across as c*cky your just being honest,I think men are threatened by beautiful woman a lot of them (not all) can't handle them or they put them down and chip at their confidence coz they are insecure in themselves,your doing nothing wrong take up a hobby and be open and friendly with everybody.You can't find love, it finds you.x

LegacyUser

Hi OP!

I posted a very similar thread a few weeks back.. Here it is.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055892627

I found a lot of the responses really helpful...made me feel a lot better. I haven't magically found anyone since (though in fairness, I've finals so haven't gone out since!!) but it gave me a lot to think about.

You don't sound cocky to me. You're confident in terms of your looks and personality and why shouldn't you be!!?! I bet the men who have treated you badly in the past aren't sitting round questioning their looks etc so why should you be?!

To be honest, I'm very lonely too and I do feel like all my peers are in relationships and get into them very easily. My friends think my love life is very exciting and dramatic cos there's always some new guy I'm texting/dating etc. But of course I don't WANT there to always be "some new guy". I just want there to be one nice guy that I like who likes me, the exact same as you.

Keep the faith is all I can say really. It's hard but if you question yourself too much, I think you'll make it harder.

LegacyUser

Guys... thanks so much for reading and all your replies. I have to say, some of your responses have really perked me up. I'd started to believe that I genuinely was the problem and that I must be doing somthing wrong on a regular basis to be feeling so lost when it comes to getting a boyfriend.

And, for those who assumed I am arrogant, cocky and conceited... I can assure you I am not. Sure I have my flaws, as we all do. But an over inflated opinion of myself is not one of them.

Denimgirl, Seenitall... thanks so much! You seem to have "got" exactly where I am coming from. The last guy I was seeing was definately one of those who chipped away at me to make himself feel good. He was exceptionally good looking and I was so into him... but as I wasn't the clingy type that showered him with compliments every hour of every day he almost resented me. He was very insecure and I just couldn't understand why he needed constent validation of his hottness! He dumped me to surround himself with girls who follow him round telling him how amazing he is. I was totally devasted.

This has happened on more ocassions. It's like the men I meet are so needy. It's not as though I'm a cold heartless bitch... I let these guys know how much I like them and am very affectionate, but it's like that's not enough.

I just wonder are there any confident, secure men still out ther!!!

Appleguy... thank you so much. Lot's of good advice! I don't think I'm one of those girls who waffle on about inane things! It tends to be the guys I meet or am attracted to that do the inane waffling!!!

Totallythesame... it's not a nice place to be is it! My girlfriends think I have such a great life on the surface, because I am always the one getting the male attention and they jokingly tease me about having all the guys. But, I'm still the one who's alone and they are all settled in longterm relationships. They don't understand how horrible it feels to be just seen as a short term fling.

Thanks again everyone.

LegacyUser

similarproblem wrote: »

To be honest, I'm very lonely too and I do feel like all my peers are in relationships and get into them very easily. My friends think my love life is very exciting and dramatic cos there's always some new guy I'm texting/dating etc. But of course I don't WANT there to always be "some new guy". I just want there to be one nice guy that I like who likes me, the exact same as you.

Similarproblem... this is exactly how it is for me too! Everyone thinks I'm having a great time, seeing a new guy every few months, when it is so not like that atall. It is a lonesome place. Sometimes I think I will never find someone who sees me as being their special person. I never thought It would be so difficult to find a man to love me for just being me.

LegacyUser

From Russia With Love wrote: »

Denimgirl, Seenitall... thanks so much! You seem to have "got" exactly where I am coming from. The last guy I was seeing was definately one of those who chipped away at me to make himself feel good. He was exceptionally good looking and I was so into him... but as I wasn't the clingy type that showered him with compliments every hour of every day he almost resented me. He was very insecure and I just couldn't understand why he needed constent validation of his hottness! He dumped me to surround himself with girls who follow him round telling him how amazing he is. I was totally devasted.

God I feel like you could me writing this! My last guy was exceptionally good-looking too...and he was in the public eye to an extent which made things even worse. He just dropped me and now I see on his facebook all these girls adding him who have him in their profile pictures like he's some massive celebrity..and I hear from his friend that he's loving it. I don't know what these girls are like on a one-to-one basis but I see them commenting on his pictures saying "OMG, you're soooooo hot"...Like you'd think that'd turn a guy off, that eagerness.. Clearly not. It's hard to find someone secure enough in themselves to see that that kind of hero worship and admiration isn't real and not indicative of whether someone will treat them well in a relationship. I don't expect a guy to validate me every ten minutes so why should I do likewise? There's a lot more to a relationship than that kind of rubbish!

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I can understand your frustrations and it must be hard being a woman that is atractive and i don't mean that in a condensending way, but everyone probably just assumes that you are in a realtionship, i think so many people now just want everything in an instent they want the spark and probably sex too - but are not really willing to put the work into it.

I am a male in my 30's and am also lonely i don't think i'm that bad looking but am shy and just at the stage where i just want what so many other people have and thats someone that really cares about what you are going through and want to stick it through and be there long term, but it feels like mission impossible at times. Good luck Op don't give up on
your beliefs or standerds because some guy isn't confident enough to be with you..

Johnlennon

rediguana25

OMG- this is the story of my life too! seriously I'm reading it and it sounds just like I would have put it..
I'm out of a long relationship a few years now and this last few years have been great in that I've discovered a lot about myself and have grown immensely knowing who I am and what I want out of life. I also come across pretty confident and do get a lot of attention and all my friends are in relationships since early 20's and married with kids etc but they always comment on how great it must me to be me...getting to be with all these hot guys and getting so much attention..thing is ..I also just want to meet one person. I'm sick of getting attention from people Im not interested in and finally when I meet someone I actually like (which is v. seldom) it doesn't seem to work out. I am also one of those people who loves life, loves people, gets on great with people and people generally love being in my company (not being conceited at all here even though it may sound like it to some).
I don't want to settle for less than i know is right for me...jees if I did I would still be in the same relationship married etc by now...but I know there is something that Im missing and that something is someone who gets me and will love me for me. I tried to give relationships a chance as everyone told me I should but in the end I had to end them as I knew it wasn't IT whatever IT is......
OP just keep being yourself. Just keep on loving life and I'm sure one day you will meet someone who is comfortable in himself that the looks thing will not be an issue. You sound like you're gorgeous inside and out and don't let anyone tell you any different because at the end of day if you don't appreciate the great traits about you then no one else really will. But if you are happy in yourself and love life one day it will work out for you.
Best of luck....I'm also trying to take my own advice and I know sometimes it's hard to do this but that's all we can do, because if you get caught up in the "why can't I get a boyfriend?" thing then you will just keep getting the same thing back..you will still be in the same situation. Just believe in yourself and that you will meet someone who is right for you and you will find that it will happen....

mood

You seem very focused on your looks. I think this could be the problem. I know one very beautifully woman whos looks never hindered her in regard to relationships etc so why would it hinder you!

You can't have a relationship with someones looks. Personality is much more important. Maybe you exs ended up going out with 'plainer girls' as you put it because they got on with them better, have more in common or they just clicked. It is also possible they fancied them more. Also, a lot of girls get the 'your so hot' comment etc. I have loads of times (and shock horror, I would be of the 'plain variety as you call it!). Just don't take it so seriously.

Also, it sounds like you tend to meet guys in pubs and clubs. Maybe take up a sport or hobbie and meet someone that way.

ash23

Op, I doubt it has much to do with your looks. But you've mentioned a few times that it's been said that you don't "need" the guy. You don't chase them and you don't make yourself available to them and then they dump you.

I think you've crossed the line from independent to cold and uninterested.

No matter how hot a guy, if he weren't calling me or doing some of the chasing I would think he weren't interested. In fact, if he were hot I would jump to this conclusion even faster and I'd lose interest. Nobody wants to be with someone who acts cold and aloof towards them.

You're playing games and losing. I know you said you are affectionate and stuff but part of being with someone is calling them, texting them to see how they are etc. You might be affectionate when you are with them but it sounds like you expect them to do all the running.

Try being yourself rather than being the girl you think they want. Don't veer to the other extreme and be clingy and needy but make it known you like the guy because at the moment, it sounds like you're a lot of hard work. I don't mean that in a bad way but I just think you aren't putting in the effort into the relationship. You think that putting effort into yourself will pay off in a relationship but it doesn't really work that way.

cafecolour

Where are you meeting these men besides online? If it's mostly guys who approach you in a bar/club, then they are likely guys who see you as a trophy, and are put out when you don't act like one.

Besides the type of guy you are meeting, I wonder if you are unintentionally coming off as bland.

You say you're letting your personality come through, but I feel like a lot folks - especially when they're trying a little too hard to impress - can often be 'on' a bit too much. For women especially, this seems to make them a bit bland - ie agreeable, very small talky, a little flirty and focused on keeping the conversation going but not talking about anything.

I'd say relax a bit more and try less hard to impress. Don't become bitchy or stop being nice or anything, but just talk about what interests you.

Do you have any interests? Hobbies? Meeting guys through these could help as well. Ie join a tag rugby group, a book club, whatever, where you can meet folks in a group first.

LegacyUser

From Russia With Love wrote: »

Hey Guys...

If you were registered I'd send you a PM.

Victor

unregchance wrote: »

If you were registered I'd send you a PM.

We don't like people making statements like that.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055505390

It is not the done thing on the PI or RI forums to ask an OP to pm/msn/skype/email you. This is done for two reasons:

To protect those from trolls and other possible unsavory people posting on the internet when they may be in a vulnerable state. Threads on PI/RI are monitored by the mods so that bad and dangerous advice is not permitted and deemed unhelpful.

To protect posters from trolls and unsavory people posting on the internet who pose as a person needing help and advice and so that posters do not end up locked in to a pm exchange with someone they can not help.

In any case, its up to you to reveal your identity, not the OP.

ilovetosing

Hi OP. I cannot say I have been in your situation as I am a guy but I do know girls who have given out about the same thing with you. They are smoking hot and once a guy starts to get close they run a mile. Its hard to know really why this happens.

You seem sound, confident and proud of who you are and these are all positive traits to have but I do have to agree with Ash! I think she is bang on in what she said as I too got the impression that you don't really get into the whole texting or calling much to see how they are or whatever and you associate that behaviour with being clingy ( I could be wrong) which you think all guys hate! Well clearly you know most of these guys are being insecure and sometimes it can't be helped but I know if I was with a girl say like you and you weren't making any effort in "the chase" so to speak then I probably would think there is nothing to hang around for myself.

As I said the above might be totaly wrong and Im not trying to give you a hard time. I think you just have to wait and relax and the right confident guy who is capable of handling everything that comes with you will come when the time is right!

Katgurl

Op as a previous poster said you seem very aware of your looks and how they co pare to other girls. This is quite boring to be around. Do you have any genuine interests, not hobbies to pass the time but passions / opinions on things? Your way of measuring yourself seems quite two-dimensional and I think you're doing yourself injustice with string of adjectives of why you're good catch. You mentioned guys leave you for someone plainer, this is an interesting perspective - may e they left you for someone more fun, more interesting or just plain sexier? You haven't mentioned attributes you like in other people? Do you express interest in other people's lives or is it all about you? People (and guys are people believe it or not) like to be around someone who makes them feel good.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I'm so annoyed at some of the replies on this thread particularly the ones presuming that you're cocky or arrogant because you dare to mention you're an attractive being. God forbid a woman, or man for that matter, should be aware of how attractive and/or successful they are without offering a self-deprecating excuse.

I can't offer the key to keeping a boyfriend at all unfortunately but I couldn't let this thread pass by with so many people discouraging that you recognise that you're both intelligent and good looking (God forbid the two should co-exist at the one time. Someone, please, think of the children!)

The one thing I might suggest is looking at the newer event nights in Dublin like photo exhibitions or film/art/story-telling nights. I've found they've been a good way to meet people in a social setting but not in your typical nightclub kinda way.

mood

I think people are trying to be helpful and are suggesting other more likely reasons. I can't remember anyone suggesting someone can't/shouldn't be attractive and intelligent. A lot of people come on here blaming being single on thing like their weight etc and are given similar good advice. Being single or not has nothing to do with looks apart form the fact that you are more likely to get approached more if you are good looking.

Maybe the OP has simply been unlucky so far. Or maybe there is something about her attitude or out look that puts people off.

One girl I knew was 100% convinced that she was single because she had a high powered job and guys were intimidated by her because of this. I mean she was totally 100% convinced that was the reason! It wasn't the reason at all. She was in fact a total snob. If a guy wasn't a high earning professional she wouldn't give him the time of day. I'm not saying the OP is like this but there is probable some other factor/s that she is totally unaware of that put guys off for some reason. Or maybe she has just been unlucky so far.

However, I do feel the OP is very looks focused. She says guys dump her / or end up with for plainer girls. She doesn't seem to realise that personality, chemistry etc come into it as well. If I went out tonight and was chatted up by two guys I wouldn't go for the best looking. I would go for the guy I like most.

Katgurl

I'm not saying the op is cocky or arrogant. I'm saying there needs to be more than looks. The op gets male attention which I'd imagine is down to her looks. But men lose interest in her and I was suggesting she may need develop other aspects of herself beyond rating herself looks-wise against other women.