Can't forget her.

LegacyUser

In three weeks it will be a year since i broke up with my ex. We were together for between three and four years. There were legitimate reasons for breaking up. We had just grown tired of each other, were arguing a bit for a few months and ended up in agreement that it was best we went our separate ways.

I'm pretty sure i'm over her. I almost got into another relationship since. I was seeing somebody but it was about 6 months after the first break up and i realized then that i still loved and had feelings for my Ex. So i told my new girl about this and decided to stop it there before we got together. She wasn't impressed but we sorted things out since and are friends.

I decided to write a letter to my ex around this time explaining how i felt but was told indirectly through a friend that she was with somebody else. I don't know whether this is true or not i'm not sure as we have no links anymore really.

She was txtin me on and off a bit so when i heard the above news i asked her not to contact me anymore until i was in a place where i could be friends with her. I haven't heard anything since, even on my birthday. I had a great birthday but to say i wasn't a little upset i didn't get a birthday txt is a lie. It was my first birthday without her in 5 years and it kinda got to me. Gave me the impression she didn't give a ****. I mean i was first to txt her on her birthday and even had a little gift.

Now i could deal with all of this but what i can't deal with is these dreams i'm having. At least once or twice a week she features in my dreams. Nothing dirty or anything but she's always there. Its starting to get to me. I mean what ever sort of control you have on what you can do about ex's in your life all goes out the window when they are creeping into your dreams. Meaning your subconsciously thinking about them more than you think you are.

Last night i was just on her road sitting in my car and she came out to put rubbish in the bin. I'm no stalker and have never gone next nor near her house since then. The only explanation to this one is that i want to see her new fella or if he exists. It wouldn't be for conflict or anything i'm not really like that.

So what do i do now?

A)

Pretend everything's ok and be friends with her? I'm not really sure i can ever be friends with her if i'm still thinking alternatively. We weren't really friends before. We kinda met and hit it off straight away and were going out in no time.



Forget about her and never contact her again.

C) & D) if there are other options let me know.

I suppose if i was to look at my life carefully since she's gone i'm not as happy a person as i was with her. This doesn't address the difficulties we had with one another though and even now i'm not sure if it would work with us should we ever get back together again.

I've also neglected my health and didn't really take the breakup well even though it was mutual. I have gained about 2 stone in the year without her, probably through confort eating and would be embarrassed if she saw me.

Really confused, any help welcome thanks

Holly333

Im certainly not an expert, and this sounds like a seriously tough situation, one which has followed you for quite some time. Im not exactly sure what to advise, other than promoting your own self esteem as much as possible, and regaining your self confidence. Easier said than done, I know, but not impossible. She may seem like the only woman on earth now, but think of how quickly you hit it off with her...and how many other women there are out there who you no doubt would get on brilliantly with also! Also, remember, time is a great healer in these type of situations.
Best,
Holly

LegacyUser

Holly333 wrote: »

Im certainly not an expert, and this sounds like a seriously tough situation, one which has followed you for quite some time. Im not exactly sure what to advise, other than promoting your own self esteem as much as possible, and regaining your self confidence. Easier said than done, I know, but not impossible. She may seem like the only woman on earth now, but think of how quickly you hit it off with her...and how many other women there are out there who you no doubt would get on brilliantly with also! Also, remember, time is a great healer in these type of situations.
Best,
Holly

Nor bragging but I'm full of self esteem. I know i'm a little overweight but i'm just as confident as i was when i was carrying none of it. And i'm pretty self confident. I do a lot of gigs in front of hundreds of people and that doesn't bother me. I suppose there are different types of self confidence though. I have no problem playing big gigs but am shy enough when it comes to chatting girls up in a nightclub or whatever. I think nightclubs are awful places to try to pick up women. Ya get to see this person you fancy or whatever locked off her face and behaving like she normally wouldn't be Monday through Friday. Then you score her or whatever or have a one night stand and your meant to try start from fresh when you wake up the next day.

Id much prefer to have a meal or something and get to know the person. But where do you meet nice women other than out to chat them up? I'm also off the booze at the moment so that's not helping things either.

Anyway that's not the issue at hand. Although i have been a bit lonely lately as my friends are all picking up 'Summer Girlfriends' and spending loads of time with them. I know weird usually its the other way around and your trying to shed baggage over the summer before holidays.

My issue is that i was hoping 'time would be a great healer' but here i am a year later and am still having funky dreams about this person.

And what am i meant to do? Start seeing her again as a friend or just forgetting about her.

Thanks for the reply Holly

LegacyUser

Hi OP, its a year since my own break up and I still feel the fallout to this day, so you are not unique in having these feelings this long after.
You two were together a long time and played a huge part in each other's lives. It takes time to seperate from all that that involves.
Many would advise no contact. Only you know whether you can handle that part without detriment to yourself.

Holly333

Sorry, no, I wasnt implying anything about your weight with regard to the 'regaining your self confidence' comment...just that when we feel down, its always good to put ourselves first, by doing things which make ourselves happier. (not suggesting anything about self image)
Best of luck with it all, and sorry I could'nt be more helpful!

ps. I met my first long term boyfriend at a gig he was actually playing at...so perhaps your gigs might be a nice place to meet a girl? although im sure you've thought of that one!

Denimgirl

bobbing4apples wrote: »

Nor bragging but I'm full of self esteem. I know i'm a little overweight but i'm just as confident as i was when i was carrying none of it. And i'm pretty self confident. I do a lot of gigs in front of hundreds of people and that doesn't bother me. I suppose there are different types of self confidence though. I have no problem playing big gigs but am shy enough when it comes to chatting girls up in a nightclub or whatever. I think nightclubs are awful places to try to pick up women. Ya get to see this person you fancy or whatever locked off her face and behaving like she normally wouldn't be Monday through Friday. Then you score her or whatever or have a one night stand and your meant to try start from fresh when you wake up the next day.

Id much prefer to have a meal or something and get to know the person. But where do you meet nice women other than out to chat them up? I'm also off the booze at the moment so that's not helping things either.

Anyway that's not the issue at hand. Although i have been a bit lonely lately as my friends are all picking up 'Summer Girlfriends' and spending loads of time with them. I know weird usually its the other way around and your trying to shed baggage over the summer before holidays.

My issue is that i was hoping 'time would be a great healer' but here i am a year later and am still having funky dreams about this person.

And what am i meant to do? Start seeing her again as a friend or just forgetting about her.

Thanks for the reply Holly

Contact her and ask her does she want to go for a coffee? if she agrees make the convo light and don't go straight into asking her about the new guy if there is one?whose idea was it first to break up was it her who brought it up first or you?Are you only feeling like this about her again since you found out she is with another bloke?A lot of times people don;t realise they had a good thing until it's gone!but i reckon you should be honest and tell her how you feel first off get to go for a coffee with her and get close again.

LegacyUser

Denimgirl wrote: »

Contact her and ask her does she want to go for a coffee? if she agrees make the convo light and don't go straight into asking her about the new guy if there is one?whose idea was it first to break up was it her who brought it up first or you?Are you only feeling like this about her again since you found out she is with another bloke?A lot of times people don;t realise they had a good thing until it's gone!but i reckon you should be honest and tell her how you feel first off get to go for a coffee with her and get close again.

OK well first of all the last thing i said to her was please don't contact me for a while until i get my head together that was six months ago at this stage. I think both her and her relatively new boyfriend would have a problem with me randomly meeting up with her for coffee at the drop of a hat. And i seriously doubt she would agree to it. I'm sure she would say sure lets meet up but with with a group of friends. Meaning her boyfriend would probably be there, and to be completely honest thats the last thing i wanna see is the two of them all over one another.

Not that i'm saying its not a good idea just (knowing her) she would think it strange considering the last things i said to her.

We had been pricks to each other for about three weeks before we broke up last summer. On the last occasion we met each other we knew we were meeting to go our separate ways.

No i've known she is supposedly with somebody else for six months. This is nothing new its going on for months.

And your damn right about the "dont know what you've got until its gone". We had some great times. But we also had some times that weren't so great. As i said above i had already told her how i felt before i knew she was with somebody else.

How close can i get to her knowing full well she has another fella? I know that he wont be happy with that. I mean if i was in a relationship six months and the ex started showing up on the scene again out of the blue and the girl i was with was agreeing to it, I'd be asking myself some serious questions like, do i want to get caught up in this? Or what is she playing at?

Denimgirl

bobbing4apples wrote: »

OK well first of all the last thing i said to her was please don't contact me for a while until i get my head together that was six months ago at this stage. I think both her and her relatively new boyfriend would have a problem with me randomly meeting up with her for coffee at the drop of a hat. And i seriously doubt she would agree to it. I'm sure she would say sure lets meet up but with with a group of friends. Meaning her boyfriend would probably be there, and to be completely honest thats the last thing i wanna see is the two of them all over one another.

Not that i'm saying its not a good idea just (knowing her) she would think it strange considering the last things i said to her.

We had been pricks to each other for about three weeks before we broke up last summer. On the last occasion we met each other we knew we were meeting to go our separate ways.

No i've known she is supposedly with somebody else for six months. This is nothing new its going on for months.

And your damn right about the "dont know what you've got until its gone". We had some great times. But we also had some times that weren't so great. As i said above i had already told her how i felt before i knew she was with somebody else.

How close can i get to her knowing full well she has another fella? I know that he wont be happy with that. I mean if i was in a relationship six months and the ex started showing up on the scene again out of the blue and the girl i was with was agreeing to it, I'd be asking myself some serious questions like, do i want to get caught up in this? Or what is she playing at?

I know what you mean, but if you can't shake your feelings about her after all this time maybe you should pop her a friendly text so what if you said no contact 6 months ago? people say lots of things in the early stages of break ups!you can be just friendly and say how are you stranger? how are things with you?by having ongoing friendly contact you can find out things,see how the texts flow you'l know yourself.if she does have somebdy else would you reckon she'd tell you?sometimes finding out things we don't want to hear motivates us to move on.least you know you tried and then focus on moving forward.

LegacyUser

Denimgirl wrote: »

I know what you mean, but if you can't shake your feelings about her after all this time maybe you should pop her a friendly text so what if you said no contact 6 months ago? people say lots of things in the early stages of break ups!you can be just friendly and say how are you stranger? how are things with you?by having ongoing friendly contact you can find out things,see how the texts flow you'l know yourself.if she does have somebdy else would you reckon she'd tell you?sometimes finding out things we don't want to hear motivates us to move on.least you know you tried and then focus on moving forward.

I suppose a friendly txt couldn't hurt. What i'm worried about in that is that she will want to be friends. So she says come out and join us on a night out with a few mates. I doubt i could go knowing full well i'll be introduced to the guy who took my place. I'd feel awful watching them all over one another.

The last thing i said to her is please don't txt me. I'll txt you when i get to a stage that we can be friends. I'm not at that stage and don't think i will ever be her friend as i'll be thinking about other stuff and wanting her in a way that she doesn't want me.

So is it best to leave it for good and not go near her again? Or play schrades get friendly again (if this is possible considering she has a fella now) always thinking i'm gonna get her back. This is a bit sad don't you think? I'd always be waiting for that day when were back together again. When i should probably be seeing a few other girls. So i'm not settling down with the first true love.

I'm sure she would tell me she had a fella eventually if i got annoying to get rid of me. I'm not sure how she would feel about the whole friends thing though.

I was thinking would it do more harm or good to try meet one of her friends for coffee and explain the situation and maybe get some info off her without talking directly to my Ex. Or would that be worse as she would probably go back and tell her all i told the friend anyway?

Denimgirl

OK,If that is the case you could accidently on purpose bump into one of her mates and casually ask how she is? say casually say she probably with a guy now is she?she married yet?ye know yourself how to say it but it's better that going out of your way to contact her mate to meet her especially to talk about your ex.all you want to do is find out if she's with somebody now so you won't feel stupid texting her if she is right?is she on fb? if so, you could ask a mate to check her status it would probably hurt you if you see it as it would anybody in your situation at the mo.In the mean time I think you should start dating a few girls,learn to cut the cord with your ex.


Not sure if i am allowed to put links up so i deleted it.

rediguana25

I'm not sure sending texts will be the solution here esp. as you're not really ready to be friends with her. If you were then you would be happy for her that she met someone else. You're clearly not ready OP. I really feel for you as it's not a nice situation to be in but it is best for you in the long run if you don't have contact. Think of it..if you do text her and she says she is well and do you want to meet up. You will be happy to meet up with her but worried that you will meet her new fella. You will know that she is thinking of you as a friend but you are still holding a flame. Initially it will be nice to hear from her but after that you will be a few steps backwards. You have to think of you now. Look after what you need. You don't want to feel cr@p again about her. You want to live without the pain of thinking of her and her not being with her but with someone else. So best not to contact her. Best to arrange things with your friends and get out there again. You will eventually meet someone you like. It may not seem like that now but you will. Best of luck with it........

LegacyUser

Denimgirl wrote: »

OK,If that is the case you could accidently on purpose bump into one of her mates and casually ask how she is? say casually say she probably with a guy now is she?she married yet?ye know yourself how to say it but it's better that going out of your way to contact her mate to meet her especially to talk about your ex.all you want to do is find out if she's with somebody now so you won't feel stupid texting her if she is right?is she on fb? if so, you could ask a mate to check her status it would probably hurt you if you see it as it would anybody in your situation at the mo.In the mean time I think you should start dating a few girls,learn to cut the cord with your ex.


Not sure if i am allowed to put links up so i deleted it.

I don't know what link it is but i'd imagine its allowed.

Were connected on facebook but she doesn't use it much. As for bumping into her friends randomly. Its easier said than done.

LegacyUser

rediguana25 wrote: »

I'm not sure sending texts will be the solution here esp. as you're not really ready to be friends with her. If you were then you would be happy for her that she met someone else. You're clearly not ready OP. I really feel for you as it's not a nice situation to be in but it is best for you in the long run if you don't have contact. Think of it..if you do text her and she says she is well and do you want to meet up. You will be happy to meet up with her but worried that you will meet her new fella. You will know that she is thinking of you as a friend but you are still holding a flame. Initially it will be nice to hear from her but after that you will be a few steps backwards. You have to think of you now. Look after what you need. You don't want to feel cr@p again about her. You want to live without the pain of thinking of her and her not being with her but with someone else. So best not to contact her. Best to arrange things with your friends and get out there again. You will eventually meet someone you like. It may not seem like that now but you will. Best of luck with it........

See i would mind seeing her with somebody else but i'm gonna have to see it eventually anyway. And i'd rather had her as a friend than not. I mean i lost a best friend when i lost her.

I can appreciate your point of view and i don't want to feel like crap again when thinking about her. But sure i already feel like crap about it. Shes still in my dreams after a year and is not going away. I'm miserable already so i dont see how txtin her a bit would make it any worse. At least then if they break up or whatever or if anythings wrong she will know i will always be there for her.

The Recliner

Denimgirl wrote: »

OK,If that is the case you could accidently on purpose bump into one of her mates and casually ask how she is? say casually say she probably with a guy now is she?she married yet?ye know yourself how to say it but it's better that going out of your way to contact her mate to meet her especially to talk about your ex.all you want to do is find out if she's with somebody now so you won't feel stupid texting her if she is right?is she on fb? if so, you could ask a mate to check her status it would probably hurt you if you see it as it would anybody in your situation at the mo.In the mean time I think you should start dating a few girls,learn to cut the cord with your ex.


Not sure if i am allowed to put links up so i deleted it.

Denimgirl we don't allow people to suggest that others should PM then in PI
Please re-read the charter

Denimgirl

ok sorry

LegacyUser

Denimgirl wrote: »

ok sorry

What was the link? I'm still dying to know

6th

It was removed by a mod for a reason.

LegacyUser

I feel for you, OP, but you are clearly not over her. Texting will make no difference. Think about it - what could she possibly say in the text that would make you feel better? That she confirms that she has a new boyfriend and is happy with him? You'll only hurt yourself more. As for being upset by her not texting you on your birthday - well, you asked her not to contact you, so she was just respecting your wishes.

It took me about 3 years to get over my ex, but believe me, it happens sooner or later. It just takes a different amount of time for different people. I was the same as you: having constant dreams, not being able to move on..... I felt like I was losing my best friend as well, and was determined to maintain a friendship with him, but it simply didn't work. I couldn't stand seeing him with other women and I went through a lot of pain to finally realise that it wouldn't be possible to be friends with him as long as I had feelings for him. I had to cut all contact for my own sanity. Now I have met a new great guy and realise that it is possible to be happy with someone else - it's different, but good different.

Good luck OP.

PK2008

OP you need to snap out of it. Its over, OVER!

You cant move on because you're not doing anything to move on, you're moping around thinking of this girl, feeling sorry for yourself. Dont text her, dont drive near her house, dont contact her at all. So what if she has a new BF, did you expect her to become a nun? She didnt get you a present, well maybe she's trying to move on with her life, something you should be doing as well

Stop comfort eating, go to the gym, get back out there and meet new women, start living your life again.

FORGET HER, she is the past, its OVER, MOVE ON!!

You're bordering on creepy ex BF territory here, sorry but it had to be said

LegacyUser

PK2008 wrote: »

OP you need to snap out of it. Its over, OVER!

First of all i realize this. This post isn't about getting her back. It's about how i want to play it now. Whether i'm to remain friends with her or just not bother with her ever again.
I never once mentioned getting her back or anything along those lines. Maybe if you read the posts instead of manufacturing some mad over the top rant you would have seen this.

PK2008 wrote: »

You cant move on because you're not doing anything to move on, you're moping around thinking of this girl, feeling sorry for yourself. Dont text her, dont drive near her house, dont contact her at all. So what if she has a new BF, did you expect her to become a nun? She didnt get you a present, well maybe she's trying to move on with her life, something you should be doing as well

I have done a lot to move on actually. As i said i was already in another relationship after six months. I'm not moping around thinking of her. I think of her the odd day but the main issue is that she is in my dreams on occasion and i cant control them.

I haven't txt her since i last txt her asking her not to contact me, i haven't gone next nor near her house, nor have i contacted her by phone in 7 months.

She has a new Boyfriend great i'm not objecting to that. I said i wouldn't like to be put in a position where i'd see them together as i still love her and that would hurt me. She is moving on. But i haven't exactly stayed still. I've had an amazing time since we broke up. Meeting old friends and having the best crack ever (which i couldn't have while we were together as she didn't like me hanging out with my old friends unless she was there).

PK2008 wrote: »

FORGET HER, she is the past, its OVER, MOVE ON!!

You're bordering on creepy ex BF territory here, sorry but it had to be said

This is about the only part of your post that you offer an answer to anything i had asked. So you think i should forget her. Thats grand point taken.

And i am not bordering on creepy ex BF territory. I haven't contacted her nor spoke of her to anybody in 7 months. Hardly giving her a hard time am i?

Denimgirl

6th wrote: »

It was removed by a mod for a reason.

i removed it coz i was'nt sure if i was allowed

Greyfox

bobbing4apples wrote: »

as i still love her

I think you'd be absolutely crazy to stay friends with her as all you'd be doing is making yourself feel miserable for a longer period of time, you'd be just dragging out the pain. You need to get her out of your system COMPLETELY befor you can consider a possible friendship. The first step you need to take in order to move on is to cut ALL contact completely, the longer it takes you to do this the harder things are going to be on you. you currently have far, far too much invested emotion in her to be friends with her

PK2008

You cant be friends with someone you have feelings for OP, it just doesnt work.

Cut all contact with her until your paths cross again someday when you have nothing but freindly feelings towards her.

LegacyUser

I'm going to take your advice and continue to have no contact until i'm in the friend zone.

Thanks for the responses

6th

PK2008 wrote: »

You cant be friends with someone you have feelings for OP, it just doesnt work.

Cut all contact with her until your paths cross again someday when you have nothing but freindly feelings towards her.

I'm sure there are so many people who just wish this wasnt true, cutting someone who means so much to you out of your life must hurt like hell.

katie99

My advice is two fold. (1) move on. It seems to me that you are becoming obsessed with your ex and the fact she has or hasn't got a new boyfriend. Quite frankly it is none of your business.
You were the one who asked her not to contact you. Now you have heard rumours she has a new fella and that is bothering you. Jealousy, control.
Leave her be. If you really love her you will want what's best for her.

or

(2)

Write her a note and tell her how you feel.