Why do they do this?

LegacyUser

I'm going unregistered for this but have always found PI gets a good and fair respnse. I'm
a 24 year old female. I have had three serious relationships with three great men but the same problem caused each one to end. They were all lovely lovely fellas kind and caring
but each one became obsessed with making me jealous to the point of arguements if I didn't react. I'm not a jealous person at all in fact quite the opposite I'm a very kind gentle person and was a really good girlfriend to each of them. Even when casually dating quite quickly the same problem started. I am especially saddened as the last man was my fiance
we deeply love each other but unless I feel threatened and jealoud he wasn't happy. I find
this devastating and wonder why they do this? Any replies will be greatly appreciated, I
would just like to specify I am exceptionally loyal and a very loving person all I want is
to have a loving relationship I even thought of trying to make myself look worse to avoid
getting attention which seems to start these issues. I have never given anyone cause to
be jealous. It even got to thep oint where they would try and pretend their female friends or ex's were pursuing them when I later found that out to be a lie. Thanks in advance.

micdug

Male Op - Why do you want to find out why they do this? It's plainly not normal behaviour so the real question is why do you keep dating this kind of guy - you're either exceptionally unlucky or you subconsciously go for this type of guy....
Figure out how to avoid and continue with life...

TitoPuente

It strikes me that you're attracting an incredibly insecure type of guy who won't be happy until he winds you up by making you jealous. Which is both extremely immature and pathetically sad. You deserve better to be honest.

LegacyUser

micdug wrote: »

Male Op - Why do you want to find out why they do this? It's plainly not normal behaviour so the real question is why do you keep dating this kind of guy - you're either exceptionally unlucky or you subconsciously go for this type of guy....
Figure out how to avoid and continue with life...

I understand that but this has extended to all the men I have dated to, I want to stress
at the beginning they were lovely and wonderful but this soon developed with each of them.
I suppose I'm at feeling low because it's really hurtful.

Drumpot

unreg---24 wrote: »

I understand that but this has extended to all the men I have dated to, I want to stress
at the beginning they were lovely and wonderful but this soon developed with each of them.
I suppose I'm at feeling low because it's really hurtful.

Are you insecure yourself ? How confident/Comitted to a relationship do you honestly feel you can get ?

Just curious as sometimes if you choose to go out with people who get insecure after a certain period, it means that you have chosen somebody that most would consider to be "below" you. .

Im not blaming you, but I know, the different relationships I had when I was younger served a specific purpose (Im just more just reflective now that Im married!). Some relationships built up my own self esteem, some actually knocked some sense into me and sometimes I realise I went out with biatch's to knock some sense into me. Its amazing what decisions we can make (without understanding what they actually mean).

Im not accusing you of specifically deciding to go out with people so they break your heart, but if you end up with "the same guy" in essence, you are choosing (subconsciously perhaps) to settle down with a type of person that will never be comfortable with you. Perhaps you know this and feel comfortable (again subconsciously) with the thought that uncertainty means you, yourself, never have to commit completely in your heart of hearts (although you were engaged so I will stand completely corrected!).

Sometimes knowing, in the back of your mind, that things wont work out, means that your expectations are low, so while you are dissapointed with breaking up with a person, you never feel too threatened by actually giving it your all to somebody . .

There is nothing wrong with you at all .. Everybody goes through these kind of weird situations that they cannot explain. . I Might be way off, but worth considering . .

LegacyUser

Drumpot wrote: »

Are you insecure yourself ? How confident/Comitted to a relationship do you honestly feel you can get ?

Just curious as sometimes if you choose to go out with people who get insecure after a certain period, it means that you have chosen somebody that most would consider to be "below" you. .

Im not blaming you, but I know, the different relationships I had when I was younger served a specific purpose (Im just more just reflective now that Im married!). Some relationships built up my own self esteem, some actually knocked some sense into me and sometimes I realise I went out with biatch's to knock some sense into me. Its amazing what decisions we can make (without understanding what they actually mean).

Im not accusing you of specifically deciding to go out with people so they break your heart, but if you end up with "the same guy" in essence, you are choosing (subconsciously perhaps) to settle down with a type of person that will never be comfortable with you. Perhaps you know this and feel comfortable (again subconsciously) with the thought that uncertainty means you, yourself, never have to commit completely in your heart of hearts (although you were engaged so I will stand completely corrected!).

Sometimes knowing, in the back of your mind, that things wont work out, means that your expectations are low, so while you are dissapointed with breaking up with a person, you never feel too threatened by actually giving it your all to somebody . .

There is nothing wrong with you at all .. Everybody goes through these kind of weird situations that they cannot explain. . I Might be way off, but worth considering . .

Thanks for that and I can really see how it looks like that but I have to say I love
being in a relationship and I wanted to marry my fiance more than anything really do
feel he is the one actually. I wouldn't consider any of them beneath me I met the
first fella at college the second while out and the third through work very different men
and honestly very confident men to. They started off just lovely and we were always so
happy at first I put it down to insecurity but then it got to a stage where it was becoming cruel I cannot for the life of me understand it I have asked then and never got a definitive
answer. I worry that any future relationships will end in this manner.

JimRel

How attentive and affectionate are you OP? It's only thing jumping out at me as to why they might act like that.

Drumpot

unreg---24 wrote: »

Thanks for that and I can really see how it looks like that but I have to say I love
being in a relationship and I wanted to marry my fiance more than anything really do
feel he is the one actually. I wouldn't consider any of them beneath me I met the
first fella at college the second while out and the third through work very different men
and honestly very confident men to. They started off just lovely and we were always so
happy at first I put it down to insecurity but then it got to a stage where it was becoming cruel I cannot for the life of me understand it I have asked then and never got a definitive
answer. I worry that any future relationships will end in this manner.

What I would say is that I was seriously insecure with my (now wife) girlfriend when I first met her. . In time, things just evened themselves out ..

Time is a great healer..

Remember, when a partner is upset/insecure, its actually because they care. . It doesnt make it right, but if you can overcome it , in time its fair to assume they would (not guaranteed of course) just get over it. .

Sometimes if sacrificing a bit of "you" (and saying F*k it) is what takes the other person to feel comfortable, then whats the problem ? If anything, somebody being insecure is about them, not you. If you can just reassure them, then you are in control of your own relationship (and whats the bad in that, once its not bunny in the pot???). .

Either way, you need to tell them to feck off and that they have to deal with it . . . I had to get over certain insecurities about my wife, but in the end I knew she was worth it . . If they think otherwise, they are not worth making the effort on . .

Monkey61

Not excusing your ex-boyfriend's behaviour at all OP, but is there any way that you could have been encouraging it?

I'm not necessarily a jealous person, but some people that I have been with have turned me into an insecure, jealous mess just by the way that they acted, probably unconsciously as well.

I'll echo the question as to whether you were affectionate/attentive? Did you make these men feel secure?

Is it possible, that as a person completely not prone to jealousy at all, that maybe this came across a bit too strongly as if you didn't care about them? Silly as it sounds, but a little bit of jealousy can seem like a healthy and caring thing within a relationship.

LegacyUser

Monkey61 wrote: »

Not excusing your ex-boyfriend's behaviour at all OP, but is there any way that you could have been encouraging it?

I'm not necessarily a jealous person, but some people that I have been with have turned me into an insecure, jealous mess just by the way that they acted, probably unconsciously as well.

I'll echo the question as to whether you were affectionate/attentive? Did you make these men feel secure?

Is it possible, that as a person completely not prone to jealousy at all, that maybe this came across a bit too strongly as if you didn't care about them? Silly as it sounds, but a little bit of jealousy can seem like a healthy and caring thing within a relationship.

I am a very affectionate loving person. I loved being with them and always made each
of them feel special and loved. I have even asked the that question and they all said
I was the mostl oving partner they had. he first time they tried to make me really
jealous oce a very hurtful lie I was deeply upset, I sobbed for hours I think when
he saw that reaction he realised how to hurt me and in essence keep me in my place.
One fella told me after it was cruel and he often felt guilty about how he treated me
but he was afraid of losing me or that I would think I could do better and he had never
felt like that befor. I know that I don't ever envcourage it. Maybe I'm just unlucky
Thanks fr the replies so far.

LegacyUser

unreg---24 wrote: »

I am a very affectionate loving person. I loved being with them and always made each
of them feel special and loved. I have even asked the that question and they all said
I was the mostl oving partner they had. he first time they tried to make me really
jealous oce a very hurtful lie I was deeply upset, I sobbed for hours I think when
he saw that reaction he realised how to hurt me and in essence keep me in my place.
One fella told me after it was cruel and he often felt guilty about how he treated me
but he was afraid of losing me or that I would think I could do better and he had never
felt like that befor. I know that I don't ever envcourage it. Maybe I'm just unlucky
Thanks fr the replies so far.

Hey op,
I am in exact same position as you. I do be very hurt by it and it baffles me.I think they feel if you dont show jealousy means you don't love them.So there for it is not your fault at all.I think what one of your exs said is true.He was afraid of losing you,and by making you think other women involved makes you fight to hold on to them more.It is definitely a case you put more into the relationships and they think you are to good for them.
Its all about lack of experience or lack of knowledge about relationships or lack of understanding what love is about.And you don't have to be jealous to love someone.
I find my OH is always this woman that woman and i am driven to distraction.
Your best bet is to do what i did!
Sit your ex down if you want to fix together and tell him exactly how you feel.
If it is a case you move on to dating some one new.Then as soon as you see signs nib in bud straight away.And call him on it.
Letting them carry on with it is not a good idea.
When my OH does it i get very cold and stand offish and quickly he takes it back.Recently after i told him he slips up now and again with messing wise.But he soon realises it is a no go for him.
Its a type of game play and a control mechanism for some men.
Some cases it is plain and simple they are assholes who treat you a good person badly because they can and see how decent and soft you are.But it can not be case in all three.I don't think.

JimRel

hmmm, were all these men of the same age as you? If so I reckon it may just be immaturity the fact your a bit of a looker as you say so yourself, these men were probably threatened by other men vying for your attention. Or driving themselves mad when you were out with the girls. Perhaps this made them try to dump these feelings on you.

Another thing to think of, I heard a great saying years ago. when you're lying in bed with another person, there are 6 in the bed. Both sets of parents. Any similarities with your ex's parents relationships?

My advice would be to play it slow with the next guy, make sure he is confident, not the showy kind, just confident in himself and mature. By not rushing into the relationship you may be able to tell how jealous he will be. I'm not advocating mind games, just go slowly slowly, and if you are as kind and loving and great looking as you say, the right guy who doesn't get too jealous will hang in there.

Keep well. There are plenty more fish in the city.