Should I trust him?

Holly333

Hey everyone,
Im relatively new to this thing, but thought it might be the best way to get some advice about a problem' that I have been having for quite some time now.
I am with my current boyfriend for over a year, and have recently moved in with him and two of his friends. They are lovely guys, although it does become difficult being the only girl surrounded by so much male banter at times. However, thats not the issue here...
I found out about 3 months ago when I was talking to my boyfriend after a few drinks, that he had slept with 3 other women during a five year relationship with his previous girlfriend. He still holds her in very high regard and was supposedly devastated when they broke up. However, he says that she never knew about his cheating.
I suppose its important to note that he's a very flirtatious, charming man, who is considerably older than myself. He claims that I am the best thing to ever happen to him, and that he loves me. I do believe him, but am petrified that he may have had the same love and devotion for his previous girlfriend and yet ended up cheating on her, unable to contain himself.
Personally, I have struggled with paranoia before, although appear to most people as self-confident as I am not the shy or reserved type. But am extremely worried that I will end up being hurt.
I well up with anger and resentment towards him, for something that has nothing directly to do with me. I have tried to voice my concerns to him, and it always ends in a row, with him angry and me upset. I really want to trust him, because we have a brilliant time together. But even the slightest thing, such as him looking at girls who he knows on facebook, or glancing at other women in the street, makes my mind go crazy with all the things i almost expect him to do, because he has done them before.
Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated. I really dont know what to do, thanks
Holly.

Katgurl

Short answer: yes you should trust him.

You don't know what the inside of that relationship looked like or what emotional state he was in. The fact he holds her in high regard might be wrapped up in him feeling guilty for how he was careless with her.

Also, the fact he spoke about the infidelities would suggest he gave it lot of thought afterwards. Was he regretful?

I don't agree with the once-a-cheater mentality. I did a lot of soulsearching after I strayed on a boyfriend I loved and honestly have drawn conclusion that I wouldn't go down that road again, it's not remotely worth it and cheapens bond you have with your partner.

I think it sounds more like he was opening up to you as he wants you to love him flaws and all. If he was a serial cheater he would more likely have completely forgotten it even happened.

Denimgirl

I agree,give him a chance any relationship will have there will be a risk in hurt, he seems to be very honest with you he told you something he probabaly knew you would'nt like but felt the need to tell you anyway coz he wants to be honest which is a good thing!but i know how you feel I would rather not have heard it as it would have played on in my head the guy you love and feel is so special and right has done this!But there is a risk in everything we do in life

Holly333

Thank you guys for that, it actually is quite therapuetic to hear fresh perspectives. My friends and family are dubious about him because of our age difference, so its difficult to speak about any worries I have about him with them. To be honest it was difficult to deduce whether the regret he showed was genuine (to reply to your question Katgurl) I have become so wrapped up in mistrust and worry and it is already beginning to affect our day to day relationship. I recognise that im probably far too sensitive, and paranoid, but as you said Denimgirl, its really difficult to accept that someone I hold so close to me has done these things to someone who he loved, and hasnt necessarily had to face up to it, as she was never told...
But thank you for the replies, they were very much appreciated!
Best wishes,
Holly

LegacyUser

I've seen this before. Exactly the same he admitted wrong doing in a previous relationship and promised it would never happen again.

After a two year relationship he turned around and told her that he was fooling around from about 8 months into their relationship again. His excuse was he couldn't help himself.

Now i realize that some people can change but personally i would be so worried (like yourself) about a repeat offender i'd cut my losses before it got more serious. Old habbits die hard!

Holly333

I go through phases of wondering if its possible for him to have changed enough to not be tempted to cheat on me, and others where i think im completely crazy not to trust him as it had nothing to do with me. I convince myself that i must be more special to him than she was, but realistically thats probably not the case (as she was his first long term girlfriend and he was with her for all of his early to mid 20's).
I am 9 years younger than him and he seems (from what his friends have said) to see me as something of a 'trophy' girlfriend. We do genuinely get on great, and have similar interests etc. but im just ridiculously insecure around him ever since i found out about his past. Also, the very fact that he's had so much more life experience (so many other long and short term parteners) is insanely daunting. I have had one other long term boyfriend, from the age of 16-19, so it almost doesnt count as an adult relationship. I dont know, I go through days like today and feel completely out of my depth, although i do love him, and am quite sure he loves me too. We live together, and yet I cant relax properly around him. Constantly trying to look and act my best. Pathetic I know! Will these insecurities pass, and allow me to forget about his history?? Any advice welcome...

LegacyUser

It seems to me i need to mention what i left out the last time. Now i know your guy could be completely genuine but he seems exactly like the guy i know. And am trying to save you the trouble that could be coming your way.

After the dust settled in the above case he ended up staying with his first girlfriend (she forgave him) and they were married and had x amount of kids.

After about five years he found some new girl and left the wife and two kids and is in the process of getting divorced and married to the new one.

Be careful.