Can't escape the abuse.

LegacyUser

This is going to be a little difficult to write. I’ll try and keep it simple.

I’m 26 years old and I have a torment that is starting to take over my life… conflicting emotions that are tearing me up.

For 17 years old my life I was at the hands of a very abusive mother – physically, mentally, emotionally and otherwise. Often the soundboard for my mother’s vents of anger, hit by phone receivers, clothes hangers, thumped – all covered up nicely with makeup before school to prevent the “perfect catholic family next door” image from being tainted.
Always being told that I was dumb, no good, should never have been born, a waste of space, forbidden from college, and would account to nothing other than somebody’s wife. My father, who never said a word or laid a finger on me, was also under my mother’s rule. Hurt me, he did not, but protect me, he neither did.

At 17, I ran away. With the clothes on my back, my wallet and my phone. I survived. I put myself through college. I got a job. I made money. My mother reported me to the police as a missing person, who subsequently searched me down and tried to convince me to go home. The police left me alone when I turned 18. For a while, my mother, on advice from her GP, attended anger management and counselling, was put on antidepressants. None of it lasted and she went back to being her own vicious self.

For a long time, we had no contact, and I was completely alone – when I ran away, most of my friends lost contact with me, and went on with their lives. I found it difficult to connect with college mates, who wanted to party, while I needed to save every penny to pay for rent and books and bills. I didn’t trust anybody. I tried counselling 2 separate times, and gave up after the 1st session each time – feeling that talking about it was useless.

After a year or two, mostly due to pressure, I started to go back home to visit. My extended family had all been fed a web of lies that I was a wild child who had ran away due to a rebellious streak and who had deliberately tried to ruin the family. All of them think my mother is a saint. I started to go back home, sleep in my old room, go through the motions, with all of us pretending that nothing had ever happened. My mother 100% believes that she has done nothing wrong, and that I am to blame.

So, like a masochist, I go home now every so often. I sit through hours of hearing how fat I am, how ugly I am, how horrible I have turned out, how I have hurt my family. I get texts from her on a regular basis with undertones of deliberate intent to hurt – she says I am a bad seed, that I will always be alone (I now have a wonderful boyfriend, whom she doesn’t know about, and I don’t want her to) how I will never amount to anything (I now have a very successful job, and I travel the world – she doesn’t know about these either) and eventually something bad will happen to me, as that is my destiny. I don’t tell her of anything good that happens to me, as she will find some way to destroy it and taint it for me.

I believe in order to forgive somebody, they need to admit to what they have done – she never will. She is not a sane person. She has something evil inside her. I fear having children to think that I might become a similar mother..

I dutifully reply to these texts with a placated response just to keep her calm. As I said, I dutifully go home for visits once a month, even though being in that house makes me want to cry a thousand rivers. I do it all because she is my mother and I only have one, and I feel that if I don’t, I am a bad person. My conflicting issue is that while I do all of this, I wish every day for her to die so that I can finally live my life. I remember being 9 years old and considering giving her an overdose to get her away from me – something I still feel guilty about. I am racked with guilt for feeling such bad feelings, and so act the dutiful daughter who is completely broken inside. I fear this will be the way I will live until she does indeed die.

I know I can’t carry on like this… something has got to give…

up for anything

You poor thing. My advice would be to cut her out of your life and start telling your extended family the truth if them not knowing weighs on your mind. Keep a few of those texts from her as proof. Some people are not cut out to be parents and she sounds like one of them.

You have a good boyfriend for support and I am sure that if and when you decide to have children, you will be nothing like your own mother.

Give counselling another go too.

Hugs.

Dudess

OP, I don't think there is anything you can do right now without some help - please go for counselling. And if needs be, "shop around" - the first counsellor may not be compatible with you, but that doesn't mean counselling is no use. Try another, and another, until you meet someone who is right for you.

That is an horrific ordeal - you deserve none of it and you most certainly don't deserve to feel guilty (you were a little girl). You also don't owe your mother anything just because she gave birth to you - she has waived any privileges on that score with her vile abuse. But it does not seem like you're capable of realising this, and acting on it alone, so definitely go down the avenue of counselling.

I'm so sorry to read your sad story - I hope things get better. It's brilliant that you have a lovely guy and a good job, but your demons need to be exorcised in order for you to be truly happy. You cannot carry on the way you are going at the moment, your emotional and mental wellbeing would not be able to take the strain, despite how obviously strong a person you are.

Very best wishes...

deisemum

OP you've got to cut her out of your life to protect yourself. I cut my mother out of my life 7 years ago and my life has improved immensely. I now value myself and the relief of not having her in my life is great. I see her as my birth mother, the woman who gave birth to me but I do not see as as my mum if you know what I mean.

As a mother myself I could not understand how another mother could do the things she did to a child she gave birth to but I recently came upon an explanation of narcissistic mothers and it was a revelation. It was like reading a very honest description of my mother and how narcissistic mothers operate and it showed me that my mother is the one with the problem not me.

I'd recommend going back to counselling. You've got a good guy to support you so you can make a happy life for yourself without someone who doesn't deserve to be called your mother dragging you down.

I've got children who are my pride and joy (most of the time anyway) and we've got a very happy loving home something my mother can never claim if she's being honest. I'm a good mum, not perfect but who is and I'm the complete opposite to my mother so don't let your mother's appalling behaviour be the main reason for not considering having children in the future.

BBDBB

I think the above responses are sound advice

Id urge you to try the counselling again and this time persist with it, does it honestly seem reasonable that one counselling session of half an hour or an hour would bring instant results that have taken years to evolve. A counsellor would still only be trying to build trust with you at that stage so that you felt comfortable enough to explore further

It seems the dilemma you face is being torn between a desire to do the right thing by your mother and to stop being hurt by her abuse.........It is possible to have both.

Its going to sound a very glib answer, how can one sentence make a difference, especially over the internet from someone who doesnt know you, but please think about the following,

People only have the power over you, that YOU allow them to have.

I must admit I didnt fully appreciate the significance of those words when I first heard them, it took me a while and I had to keep coming back to them again and again exploring what they meant in the various relationships that I have had and still have. It doesnt stop the odd barb from stinging, but it helps you come to terms with it far quicker and get on with what you value, because YOU control your emotions and feelings no one else, including your mother.

I hope you find peace

Taltos

OP - some people are just toxic, diseased, evil - call it what you want.

Clearly she has deep issues for whatever reason and knows she does - otherwise - how can she keep the extended family in the dark. I am sure knowing families that her siblings know that she has the potential for this.

Counselling - can help - but sometimes you need to stick in with it - even going so far as trying to find different counsellors.

Keeping in touch? Seriously why put yourself and your partner through this?
I mean - really what is driving it? Do you think you don't deserve to be happy? That you need to be there for her - so that she can build herself up by knocking you down?

Personally I think it best if you sever all contact immediately.
Inform the extended family if you must - do it in person - but with your partner there to support you. Don't imagine that they will all go "ah that explains it" - chances are they will initially reject it - they have after all been listening to her lies for years.

Keep it simple - let them know what has been going on - use evidence if you can - hopefully someone witnessed something. But at the end - let them know - that as much as it destroys you, that you have to ask them all to respect your decision - you might want to stay in touch with them but under no circumstances will you ever consider getting back in touch - and you need them to honour that and not try to force you back together.

Either way - get this witch out of your life... Where do you think all those fairy tales come from...

davyjose

OP, try counselling again. At the very least they will help you realise that you no longer have to put up with this, that you are not and will not be, a bad person for cutting her out, and they will help you realise how proud you should be for building this great life (boyfriend, great job, travel) out of less than nothing. That's incredible FWIW.

Change your number, don't visit. Families can be important, but they can also be devastating. Blood is no reason to put yourself through this.

rosiejosie

Dear op, your story sounds a lot like my late fathers. His mother is a sad, horrible person with god knows how many demons. When my father was a child she told him he had been an unwanted pregnancy and that she had tried to abort him by drinking gin in a hot bath and throwing herself down the stairs. His whole life she mocked him, made fun of his appearence, bullied him, belittled him. She abused him physically, mentally and sexually. And agin, like your story, his father stood meekly by and turned a blind eye, scared of her as well.
My father was a wonderful person, kind, sensitive, generous, loving, intelligent, funny. He was a wonderful father - don't believe that you have to perpetuate the cycle of abuse. It can end with you. However, my father did suffer from terrible depression his whole life. He had a terrible fatalistic attitude, so while he did at times go to councelling he never fully committed himself. He did not want to get better. I think he only knew himself as this depressed person, it became who he was and he didn't know how to be happy. He ended up drawn to the depression.
What I'm trying to say is, for your own sake, your boyfriends sake, and for the sake of your future children, go back to counselling - do some research on it, there are so many different kinds of therapy nowadays I'm sure you'll find something that suits you. Stay away from your mother. I'm all for building bridges and healing rifts, but only if it's good for everyone involved, and I don't think you gain anything from being in contact with her. Maybe you should also think about confronting your parents and family, to tell the truth. It could bring you some peace. Have faith in yourself, you know you are a good person, who is strong and has accomplished a lot. Do things that make you happy, surround yourself with positivity, and try to let the past go because holding on to all that pain and grief is not good for you or those around you. I'm sorry for waffling, I really hope you resolve things and can start to feel better. Remember you are a better person than her and you have proved her wrong already and you will continue to do so.

Cut your family out altogether. You have no obligation to keep them around. Never speak to any of them again: don't answer the phone or reply to texts, don't go to birthdays, weddings, funerals, reunions, and never, ever go home or even consider going home.

This isn't about proving her wrong or being a better person than her, because how will those facts help you at all? You're already a better person than her but she still makes you completely miserable. Make a conscious decision that, as of this moment, you are no longer a member of that family.

The reason they must all be dead to you is because all family roads will invariably lead back to your mother.

LegacyUser

A good friend of mine suffered less sever abuse from her mum and cut contact with her mother a few years back.

I initially couldn't believe how they used not get on (as my folks were grand) but having heard some of the crap that came out of the mother's mouth, I began to understand.

Be blunt with her: tell her that you will never forgive her for the way you've been treated and then cut all contact.

Don't go back to be abused. She sounds like someone who is blind to how she behaves and will never change.

Stay away and create a happy life for yourself

Dudess

It doesn't seem possible for the OP to cut her mother out of her life without help from a counsellor first - it's also not as black and white as simply severing that cord as there are other family members who have the OP's mother in common with her.

Persiancowboy

Op, we choose our friends, not our family. It's not your fault that your mother is the way she is....clearly she is very unwell. As other posters have said this sort of thing does happen in families from time to time. That's not meant in any way to diminish the pain and hurt you continue to suffer at her hands but you need to stop feeling somehow responsible or guilty for her behaviour.

About 15 years ago an aunt of my late father's died and my father's sisters literally danced on her grave following the horror she inflicted on them and her extended family all her life. She had no redeeming qualities whatsoever and trying to figure out what made her tick was futile. She spent the final years of her life utterly alone as she drove everyone away. Your mother is doing likewise and probably resents your independence and bravery in breaking away when you did. It's herself she really hates, not you.

I know it's easy to say but you have nothing to reproach yourself for. Stay strong.

TitoPuente

I definitely think every person should be educated about narcissism from an early age. Whether it be to protect them from psychotic parents or to be able to identify a potentially precarious and damaging relationship in later life. It's a horrible disorder and can really hurt people who come into contact with it.

OP - I'd second what everyone else says about cutting off contact with your mother completely. It's great that you identify the problem rather than perpetuating the cycle of abuse started by your mother and that you'll be able to have emotionally healthy, respectful relationships.