Quiet my head

LegacyUser

Regular poster here in need of some help please.

Im totting up a list in my head of why Im feeling the way Im feeling and even though I know the answer is that Im in a bit of bother here, I need to know Im not being self indulgent or lazy.


I was abused ny a neighbour when I was 4 years old - at least to the best of my thinking back over it, I was 4, but it could have been younger. My mother was an alcoholic who leaft me alone alot and it gave ample opportunity looking back over it for the man to scope when was safe and when was not. It only happenned that once that time, but wen I found myself in his house looking after his mother when I was 11, he started again and this continuied until I was 17. Im not going to go into detail, but my entire teenage years were spent in the company of this man as a mattter of course through local connections.and him being a neighbour.

I know this is serious, but Ive kind of discounted it in my head as Ive always held it outside me because letting his actions into my mind would damage me. I think I have a great capacity for denial.

So, violent alcoholic household, poverty eighties style and sexual abuse. Although abuse seems a mild terms for it tbh.

Then, on to phase 2 of life. Got the hell out of dodge and started anew. Left school with no qualifications as was too busy trying to get my Da to stop knocking shades out of us every night. Ma just swam to the bottom of the bottle and never surfaced. I loved her to the extreme as I know what sort of woman she was. She loved us too, but her nerves and I suspect a non diagnosis of some serious mental issues left he to rot in her own head. It was back in the day whe even post natal depression was deemed to be a massive personal fail. Im not making excuses for her neglect of us, but she needed help and was so isolated in the mindset of the times that it was inevitable she decline without help. I didnt know any better, it was only in her last years I copped cos I was gettng old enough to realise that she was in a state that wasn't going to bring shame on the family. The shame was on the bully who ruled us all with his Excalibur of whiskey. The smell stil makes me gag.

So, phase 2 all go! I meet a guy, get married - young - and have a girl of my own. I done a writing course and to this day it remains my sole saviour when things go too far for me to cope wth. Putting it down on paper helps me roll the mercury into the right moulds. When I say I adored thi schild, I really mean it. She died 2 days after birth but she was already in my head so much I thought I might go mad with the want of her. I used to prowl about the house for weeks after the flat looking for some ting. My hub used to have to bring me back to bed as I was sick after the birth and my hips were damaged throught the pushing out of her.



Roll on 3 years. I wanted another child. The hub agreed we went for it big style! And bingo! There you go! Im up the duff and sailing towards my babby! I refused to let the fear rule my pregnancy and opened a whole new leaf for this child. Hubs is delighted and feeling proud of us as bezzie mates for getting this far. Hes pink with pride every day and working double shifts so we can start saving for going private to make sure everything is well with his mrs and his apple.

Around 10pm 5.5 months in, I was dozing in the bed waiting for him to come home. Knackered but didnt want to sleep without giving him his dinner (3 mins in the microwave reheat his fav my speciality sheperds pie :P) I could tell you exactly whtt was in my head, but you wouldnt understand cos its the usual marriage stuff - not too too long married and not jaded and 4 months pregnant - figure it out! :PP


I got a call from him to say he would be home in 10 and he was telling me about the day...."when I heard "FUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKNNNOOOOOOOOOOO" and there was a huge crash on the other end like the terminator was ripping himself in 2 on the phone. I could hear the horn which blocked everything else out but I do hear more horns and nothing more. I cannot describe the feeling inside. I got sick on the bed and my legs went to rubber and I started screaming and crying. Now I know my reaction was shock, my neighbours heard me roaring and came knocking as they looked after me the nights he was down the country going to the shops for me and the like - he looked after me so well. They came in and took the phone and tried to talk to anyone but noone was hearing us. They knocked up every neighbour as he had told me the road he was on but there were different routes he could have taken so everyone spread out and we found him in a few minuets.

Ill not go into detail, but the shock took the apple and me too for a while if Im honest. I missed the funeral as I had to deliver. and again got sick. I rmember people talking to me but it was bla bla bla bla. My mind just couldnt get around it and I just stared at walls alot - and I mean ALOT! Days would pass where my friend would come in and try to feed me babyfood just to get something into me. Eventually I was sent to another hospital and put on a few drips to give my bosy the nutrients it needed and my mind the peace it needed for both to recover. When I say I was in the clouds I really mean it. I would look at my watch say morning time and then drift off into another world of us all actually being togeather, all 4 of us and spend the day there rather than come back here.

Im nuts right?

I recognisenow that I was a vulnerable being who needed space to recover and thank God it was provided to me. I realise this so this isint my problem. Grief is delat with and I sincerely do believe Im doing the best I can. But I just done know how to let go of my family and keep moving on. I cant rebuild my life YET AGAIN. Im 33 years old and even thought this happened 3 years ago, I find it easier to spend my thoughts in their company than any man here on earth. So Ill nevr know love like that again and Im alone here until I die. Any man I did date, lasted a few dates and then I told one guys and he said I was damaged goods. Hes was drunk and in a mean mood and apologises profusely after, but it left a mark that I cant shake. Part of me knows hes right because I know explaining this to any man would make him run a mile.

So, after a very long winded post, Im very very sorry, what do I do? Counselling, rest, work, family I love, hobbies and friends. All good but no substitute for the ones who have gone before me. Im beginning to worry that my head is sending me messages, maybe it always was (yes, Im dis associative when in crisis) but its my head and it knows me well.

Has anyone been here? Please help me. My heads melted.

Thank you for reading even if you dont respond, you deserve a medal for getting this far!!

rediguana25

It's hard to have a response to that message OP. It really is, you ask has anyone else been here but really I'm not sure that many people would have had to deal with the amount of pain as you have.
You're not going mad you just have so much to deal with and for one person to deal with all that loss and pain is not something that you should have to deal with alone. Have you talked to anyone professionally about this? It sounds like it's so important that you do.
I'm not sure there are many people in here that would have the expertise to properly help you.
I felt compelled to reply and I wish there was a magic wand to make everything ok but I really do think that ultimately you should talk to someone who is qualified to help.
Take care of yourself and know that you will always have your loved ones in your heart and that they would want you to be happy and move on with your life.

rediguana25

By the way I meant to mention that writing can also help which you are doing and OP - I just got a feeling that you should write a book one day...........