What if he does it again?

LegacyUser

Hi, am looking for some help and advice. My husband of 3 yrs cheated on me with a girl he met in work. I found out, he promised we would work things out, we tried counselling etc but a few months later I found out he had resumed this relationship and was lying to me again.

We've been living separately now for a few months, since all this happened, but are in constant contact because we have a very young child. We've been getting along quite well, he was diagnosed with depression, and i have been nothing but support to him, and non judgemental. We've spent some time just the two of us, and sometimes its like old times. He has also spent the night a few times. Then the betrayal comes into my mind, but i tend to cast the feelings aside. Other times, i can't, and I cannot even look at him.

We're eachothers first loves and I feel if we were to end it all it would be so many years down the drain. Also I don't want my son to grow up with no dad at home. I know many children do, and they are fine, but i personally do not want this for my son as my own parents are separated.

We both went to individual counselling to help us, and are now advised to start trying to rebuild our marriage with the help of more marriage counselling. But i have huge reservations on this. Those weeks and months after he left shook me to my core and i do not ever want to go through a time like that again, when my 2 yr old had to comfort and console me, his mother. I am terrified of finding out after a few months of trying again, that he has cheated again. I know i didn't marry a cheat, I know the depression is a huge part of everything, which is why I've been so understanding, and while i do have feelings for him, and want us to live happily ever after, I just feel maybe it would be less painful to stay alone.

This situation is eating me up, i cannot talk to friends or family about the extent of things, as they are all biased about the situation. I just don't know what to do. If someone were to grant me one wish i would not wish for us to get back together, i would wish that i was strong enough to see sense and find someone else who loves and appreciates me. I don't think i am unattractive, and i think i have a lot of love to give somebody. But my husband 'can not' say he loves me, which he says is him not being able to feel anything for anyone or anything, ie the depression. So really why am i letting myself be treated like this? I've given up telling him i love him. Everything is such a mess and while deep down i know we have so much going for us, and so much at stake, on the other hand am i ever going to be able to not wonder when a text beeps, or when he's out at night, or even when he's just in work. Please help.

AnonoBoy

decision time wrote: »

I know i didn't marry a cheat, I know the depression is a huge part of everything,

Unfortunately you did marry a cheat. Sorry but that's the truth.

Depression doesn't make people cheat but they may very well fall back on it as an excuse.

decision time wrote: »

But my husband 'can not' say he loves me, which he says is him not being able to feel anything for anyone or anything, ie the depression.

Bullsh*t. Your husband enjoys feeling sorry for himself it sounds like and justifying his behaviour by saying "oh poor me, it's the depression."

You deserve somebody who won't use this sort of thing as an excuse to f*ck around.

Whispered

OP I have seen this with a friend. Her husband used his depression as an excuse to treat her like crap. She took it for so long, allowed her kids to grow up in an environment where their dad did what he liked and showed nothing but disrespect and even contempt for their mother, which would mess any child up. She eventually stood up to him and guess what, once he realised she wasn't taking any messing from him anymore he was much better. She's happier. Her kids are still messed up though, what other way could they be growing up like that.

It's such a pity she wasted 20 years, her kids childhood, her life, even at times her families respect for that bastard before she did something about it.

Depression does not MAKE you do things. It can give you an excuse to do things if the people around you make allowances for unacceptable behaviour.

LegacyUser

AnonoBoy wrote: »

Unfortunately you did marry a cheat. Sorry but that's the truth.

Depression doesn't make people cheat but they may very well fall back on it as an excuse.



Bullsh*t. Your husband enjoys feeling sorry for himself it sounds like and justifying his behaviour by saying "oh poor me, it's the depression."

You deserve somebody who won't use this sort of thing as an excuse to f*ck around.

You are right, i know deep down you are. I know i come across as also someone who is making excuses and tolerating too much, but i just feel there is so much at stake. He is indeed feeling sorry for himself, he admitted that a couple of weeks ago, that all he has done is wallow in self pity, his words, and since then there has been a change for the better in his moods and outlook etc.

As far as the marrying a cheat bit, well he truly was a different person a few years ago, then a lot of stress came into his life, coupled with me being ill and having a child, so this is what the psychiatrists say brought on the change and depression. I know depression doesn't make someone cheat, i suppose in his case he says it prevented him feeling any guilt.

D-Generate

Your husband is clearly using depression as a method to blame his transgressions and you are allowing him to. I was with someone before (not married mind you!) and they too blamed their cheating on depression. I made allowances for it but then realized that there it is selfishness and not depression that causes someone to cheat. If they want support and someone to care then there is no one more capable than their family, if they want a thrill then cheat.

Miss Fluff

decision time wrote: »

I don't think i am unattractive, and i think i have a lot of love to give somebody. But my husband 'can not' say he loves me, which he says is him not being able to feel anything for anyone or anything, ie the depression. So really why am i letting myself be treated like this?

What a toxic situation. So your husband is not capable of saying he loves you because he feels nothing? What about when he's copping a feel of the little tart he has on the side? Am sure he feels plenty then. He is behaving in a disgusting fashion. To do it once is one thing but then to go behind your back a second time? It would actually be less damaging for your child to make a clean break with his father than grow up in an environment full of lies an deceit.

xzanti

I must say I've heard people use depression as an excuse for many things, alcoholism, drug abuse etc, but cheating?? that is pure bullsh1t.. as said above, he's using that as an excuse, which in my opinion makes him even more of a weasel.. Don't go there OP, be good to yourself

Katgurl

OP, you sound like you're over halfway there as you don't seem to actually want to get back with him but are worried that you should.

Yes a 2-parent happy functional household is lovely for a child to be brought up in, but there is lots of evidence to confirm that your child can feel the support of both parents with a healthy separation. Plus, there's nothing to stop you finding another partner who while he won't replace your child's father can still be a welcome & stable male infelunce. I think you should put your energies into working out that instead of contemplating an ulmost undoubtedly doomed reunion.

pookie82

I'm not on the side of the OPs husband here but allow me to elaborate on the depression thing - depression makes you inherently selfish and self centred, and it can make you feel totally numb. Both symptoms have been described here in relation to the disease. My OH suffers from depression and although he has never cheated or treated me badly because of it, it does crazy things to a person and you should not underestimate its ability to make someone do stupid things that are normally out of character.

Having said that, whether it's his depression or not which made him stray/prevents him from "loving" you, it's not a healthy situation and you should get out of it.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for your input, i really do appreciate it.

I don't know if he classes his depression as an excuse for his cheating, or if its me that is using it as an excuse, however as Pookie82 pointed it can make people behave out of character. So i don't know if i want to end everything right now, and then always wonder if i did the right thing, instead of standing by my husband when he is unwell.

It was more of an emotional affair, if that makes a difference, the betrayal is still as bad, they kissed a few times and the rest was all emailing/texting etc. He viewed it as an escape from the stresses he was experiencing, i know thats not good enough, i was the one who had a baby and multiple operations etc so he had little to escape from. In saying that i know i let communication slip within the relationship big time so i did play my part in the marriage breakdown.

sam34

decision time wrote: »

I know depression doesn't make someone cheat, i suppose in his case he says it prevented him feeling any guilt.

depressed people usually have low sex drives, low motivation, low energy etc, so to initiate and maintain an affair whiel depressed would be VERY unusual for a depressed people

furthermore, depression does not "prevent people feeling guilt". instead, depressed people often feel guilt about things that is way out of proportion to the severity of the perceived wrong they committed.

imo, its all a convienient excuse for him, a cop out, instead of him actually accepting responsibility for his actions like a mature adult would.

Rented Mule

The hardest thing to do in a relationship with someone you love should be to cheat on them.

The easiest thing to do is to do it again.

Neyite

your husband, sorry to be blunt, is talking shíte. to say that his tomcatting around is a result of depression is utter bollócks, i know loads of people who have or have had depression who have not cheated on their partners, usually, a lower libido and lack of interest in their appearance etc is more likely to happen.

depression does not cause bad behaviour, nor is it an excuse for being a tosser. he does other sufferers a disservice to attribute blame to this condition instead of where it belongs. squarely with him.

dont rush into making decisions, take all the time you need to decide. and if it takes another six months, so be it. he barely considered you before he tore your world apart, so take as long as you need to put it back together the way that suits you. good luck

ApeXaviour

Fool me once...

everyone deserves a second chance, he's had his.

ash23

OP I've been there. My ex cheated on me and then wanted to give it another go, and god, I was tempted. I'd given that relationship my entire adult life, we owned a house, were raising a child. I was living somewhere where I knew nobody because of his job.
I felt that aside from him I had nothing.

So, I asked him why he wanted to give it another go. He said he loved me and while the time we had spent apart had been good he hadn't stopped thinking about me.
( I was hoping for something a bit more enthusiastic)
I asked him how could I be sure he wouldn't see her again.
He replied that he had ended things with her twice before (when I was unaware) and said he wanted to give thing s with me a proper go. And that if he did it again (he had left me to be with her at this time) she would probably never speak to him again.
(I wasn't too impressed that it was HER choice and not HIS. He was telling me he wouldn't cheat again because SHE wouldn't want to see him again).

Finally I asked him what he was willing to do to make it work. I suggested relationship counselling. He refused. I said I'd need for him not to go away to his friends without me for a bit (as this was when this stuff happened, when he went to stay with his friend). He said no.

So I had a think about it for all of 20 seconds and I turned him down. I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing. But I did know that what he was offering me just wasn't good enough. I knew that he would never make me happy and that he would never prove he was trustworthy.

And I'll admit, I wavered. When I was moving out, when I was alone and struggling to pay the bills myself. When I was spending evenings alone with nobody to talk to.
But I decided to make myself happy. I got out there, made friends, got myself a social life. I lost weight, cut my hair, took pride in myself and my appearance and began to get my confidence back.

Two years on, I thank god every day that I made that decision. I'm single but I'm happier than I've been in years.

As for his new girlfriend. Well, now she's the one living with the paranoia. She may have got the man, but she doesn't trust him as far as she can throw him. He goes nowhere without her and she won't let him speak to me or see me.
They are "happy" but I've been there and thats not happiness.

Coming home in the evenings, tucking my daughter into bed and going downstairs to relax, without wondering where he is, why he's late, why he brought his phone into the bathroom....who's he with, is he cheating again.....well, to me, that is happiness.

It's a stress free existance. Can't get happier than that

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone, you are all giving me a lot of food for thought.

Neyite, I don't think he ever said he cheated because of his depression, I think it was the circumstances of our lives that he said he wanted to escape from, and this all started about a year into his depression, which he had kept to himself, so wasn't receiving any treatment, and was just spiraling down and down. I am probably being more lenient on him because of the depression, and him 'not being himself' or acting out of character.

I just feel that it is so much to give up, we have had a tough few years but i just want the chance to have a normal family life, and work on our relationship, and now that could all just disappear and I feel it is such a waste. I am so sad and upset when i remember how happy we used to be, and how in love i felt on our wedding day, and how loved i felt, and that was only 3 years ago. I had to take down all the wedding photographs because we looked so happy and it kills me now.

Thank you Ash23 for telling me your experience, i'm so glad you are happy now, I understand what you mean about preferring to be alone instead of always wondering about what your partner's up to. In the first few weeks I was nervous living alone with my son, and so lonely, but now i don't mind sitting in alone as the peace and atmosphere is so nice compared to the tension when he is around, and even when he comes over to spend time with us I feel a knot of tension and anxiety within me, and feel like i have to walk on eggshells just to keep him happy.

ash23

Decision time wrote: »

I just feel that it is so much to give up, we have had a tough few years but i just want the chance to have a normal family life, and work on our relationship, and now that could all just disappear and I feel it is such a waste. I am so sad and upset when i remember how happy we used to be, and how in love i felt on our wedding day, and how loved i felt, and that was only 3 years ago. I had to take down all the wedding photographs because we looked so happy and it kills me now.

I know it feels like a waste. But a good friend of mine put it like this. By leaving him I felt like I was wasting 6 years.
If I stayed and couldn't forgive him, if I stayed and he cheated again, well then I'd be wasting even more of more of my life and love on him.

She also pointed out that I need not feel like I had wasted my chance. He was the one who did it. He was the one who threw away the years we'd had together.

She also asked me to think about it honestly and ask myself if I thought we could ever get back to the way we had been. I thought long and hard. And I knew we couldn't.
So that was it for me.
I knew I'd never be as happy with him as I could be either alone or with someone new with a fresh, clean slate.

It's your call but I know myself I just couldn't live like that.

sbsquarepants

I think ash23 has hit the nail on the head, it was him who blew things not you! I was in a practically identical situation a few years back and i know exactly how bad it feels, but when i look back on it now i can't begin to tell you how glad i am that MY conscience is clear. It does make things a lot easier in the long run, believe me.
It will probably always be there in the back of your head and pop up from time to time, but life goes on and you get over it. Knowing i could hold my head up certainly sped the whole process up for me and i'm sure it will for you too.
You done the right thing, i think he'd do it again. You gave him a 2nd chance, he abused it. End of story

Denimgirl

Is the girl he had an affair with him still working in his job? are they defo not still together?who ended it?guys have affairs because of their ego most of the time!nothing to do with how you look so NEVER question yourself about the way you look.look at Cheryl Cole thousands of men want her yet her husband is a serial cheat!be strong if you truely want him back he'll have to go by your rules job changes no going out for a while need to build up trust againlet him do the work not you!If he's not willing to make the effort leave him be!

davyjose

I'm confused OP, you say he "can not" feel for anyone because of the depression. Does this extend to your child? Really, if that's the case surely the benefits of having a father around are voided, if he feels no real love for the child. That's going to be way more damaging to the little one, than not having him around every morning, tbh. I'd draw the line at that, either way.

If, on the other hand, he does feel something for his child, then he's talking out his arse when he says he can not say he loves you - it simply means he doesn't love you, and is just being selfish.

Sounds like you need to take care of yourself and your child, not this guy who's had too many chances already.

LegacyUser

Ill give it from the other perspective here.

I cheated on my ex the entire time we were together. Bar the first three or so years. After that, every time he upset me I went to my regular buddy and just let loose. For me it was a form of therapy. Don’t blast me, that’s not what this is about.

Cheaters don’t care about your feelings. Be sure of this. Theres no respect, no long term assessment of the damage youre doing to another person and if Im honest, a contempt for them as they are fool enough to stay with you so they deserve everything they get really. And to do it twice and have you fall for the most evily emotional blackmail there is, well, the man is a genius manipulator and I take my hat off to his utter ruthlessness and selfishness. He could give classes in cruelty.

Someone as kind sounding as you will be destroyed if you don’t toughen up emotionally. All he needs to do now is have you push his buttons to the point where he gives you a smack in the head and you can take that on board as your fault as well. Of course, it wont be him, itll be that dammed depression again.