My friend is waiting for a proposal of marriage for six years.

LegacyUser

I am not really sure what advice I am looking for.
I am with by boyfriend for a year. We are moving in together and planning to buy a house, and we have discussed marriage and how many children we would like. We moved very quickly, he has told me he was in love with me by the third date and if our circumstances, moneywise, were a little different we would buy a house and start a family tomorrow.

My friend is very jealous of this. She is with her boyfriend six years and she is afraid to ask him to move in together because she thinks it will scare him off. She is looking at wedding dresses online but he has moved from a flatshare back into his parents without suggesting they live together. She comments on how fast we have moved and that she is surprised that I am not more cautious. I have told her we are in love and that we know we want to be married some day, so why wait for a defined period before moving forward?

She said I'll probably be engaged and married before her, and that she doesn't see how that is fair as she is with her partner so long. I have said if she wants to know where she stands, she should sit her partner down and ask him, but she won't because she thinks any such action would scare him away.

I am getting a little tired of justifying my life to her. Plus, I am just so thrilled to have found my partner-we both had a few disastrous relationships before we met so we know how lucky we are. I do not want to throw my happiness in her face but I am very upset she is not as happy for me as I would be if she was planning for the things I am.

Any advice?

AnonoBoy

friend indeed wrote: »

I am not really sure what advice I am looking for.
I am with by boyfriend for a year. We are moving in together and planning to buy a house, and we have discussed marriage and how many children we would like. We moved very quickly, he has told me he was in love with me by the third date and if our circumstances, moneywise, were a little different we would buy a house and start a family tomorrow.

My friend is very jealous of this. She is with her boyfriend six years and she is afraid to ask him to move in together because she thinks it will scare him off. She is looking at wedding dresses online but he has moved from a flatshare back into his parents without suggesting they live together. She comments on how fast we have moved and that she is surprised that I am not more cautious. I have told her we are in love and that we know we want to be married some day, so why wait for a defined period before moving forward?

She said I'll probably be engaged and married before her, and that she doesn't see how that is fair as she is with her partner so long. I have said if she wants to know where she stands, she should sit her partner down and ask him, but she won't because she thinks any such action would scare him away.

I am getting a little tired of justifying my life to her. Plus, I am just so thrilled to have found my partner-we both had a few disastrous relationships before we met so we know how lucky we are. I do not want to throw my happiness in her face but I am very upset she is not as happy for me as I would be if she was planning for the things I am.

Any advice?

You're not responsible for your friends happiness. If she is scared to have a mature conversation with someone she's been with for six years then that's her problem, not yours.

shellyboo

friend indeed wrote: »

I am very upset she is not as happy for me as I would be if she was planning for the things I am.

Have you told her that? Don't let her away with her crappy behaviour, shame her out of it by telling her how hurt you are.

Rented Mule

The saying is 'why go out for milk when you have the cow at home'.

Miss Fluff

Your friend is a jealous cow. She is so wrapped up in her own bitter desperate battle for this unforthcoming proposal she feels at this stage a huge sense of entitlement to it. The fact that you have fulfilled "her" dream so effortlessly and seamlessly has made you an easy punch-bag for her frustration and annoyance. You need to be straight-up with her and tell her how much it hurts and upsets you that she can't be happy for you. Remind her that this has NOTHING to do with her. ANY decent friend would be only too delighted to see their pal find love and happiness. And how lovely to find your Prince at last after a succession of frogs! Don't let her tarnish it for you.

Neyite

she sounds miserable - she is with someone out of fear of being alone, rather than her soulmate -ffs who moves back in with his folks and doesnt mention it to his girlfriend? and who looks up wedding dresses online yet is too afraid to ask him to move in incase it scares him? what kind of a couple is this?

but you cant say that. you can point out to her, firmly, that you and her made your own choices when it comes to partners, and if hers is not moving at the pace she would like, she needs to address it. by taking it out on you she risks a friendship.

what is 'not fair' that you going up the aisle before her? she sounds like her jeaousy is getting the better of her.

id tell her straight to cop on.

seamus

I do not want to throw my happiness in her face but I am very upset she is not as happy for me as I would be if she was planning for the things I am.

Think about it this way - she is happy for you. That's why she's jealous. Wouldn't you rather that she was upfront about her jealousy than putting up a facade?

I do understand though that it can be tiresome justifying it to her.

I have said if she wants to know where she stands, she should sit her partner down and ask him, but she won't because she thinks any such action would scare him away.

Wouldn't she rather know now whether he's the kind of guy who'll run from commitment instead of spending another six years wondering, only to find out that he never intends on getting married?

We see so many threads on here (and I know so many cases) where the girl waits and waits and waits for ten years for her boyfriend to suggest marriage (or even moving in together). At 35, she finally bites the bullet, asks him what the story is, and he declares that he has no interest in ever getting married or settling down.

And she has basically nothing to show for the ten years except a whole lot of baggage and resentment, and she has to start all over again.

You need to be a friend to her and inspire her to take control of her relationship the same way that you've taken control of yours. Talk of commitment won't scare off any man older than 21. She doesn't have to find out specifics, just make sure that he at least sees marriage in their future. If he does bolt, then she's well shot of him. Why does she want to be with someone who may not be interested in the same things that she is?

LegacyUser

I am interested to hear the responses.

I told her three years ago she needs to set the record straight. When she asked me what she should do I said I would like to know where I stand and if I was in her shoes I would tell him what I wanted and ask if he wanted the same things because there is no point in being with someone if you are not on the same page. We are in our late 20s so its not like we are teenagers.

She said that she knows she wants to get married, but has to wait for him to come around. I kind of snapped at this and said my partner told me after we were together a couple of months that he saw us as a long-term thing and that he really wanted us to have a family some day-he was so upfront it was a relief after seeing so many guys I had been with faff about with committment. I am getting sick of her moaning about how she wants to get married etc while not being interested in whats going on with me.

I hate to sound soppy but I am just so happy to haev found my partner who loves me so much that I want everyone to be as happy as me. I want her to be happy but if he boyfriend is making her unhappy I want her to do something about it and not just hang about waiting.

LegacyUser

friend indeed wrote: »

I am not really sure what advice I am looking for.
I am with by boyfriend for a year. We are moving in together and planning to buy a house, and we have discussed marriage and how many children we would like. We moved very quickly, he has told me he was in love with me by the third date and if our circumstances, moneywise, were a little different we would buy a house and start a family tomorrow.

My friend is very jealous of this. She is with her boyfriend six years and she is afraid to ask him to move in together because she thinks it will scare him off. She is looking at wedding dresses online but he has moved from a flatshare back into his parents without suggesting they live together. She comments on how fast we have moved and that she is surprised that I am not more cautious. I have told her we are in love and that we know we want to be married some day, so why wait for a defined period before moving forward?

She said I'll probably be engaged and married before her, and that she doesn't see how that is fair as she is with her partner so long. I have said if she wants to know where she stands, she should sit her partner down and ask him, but she won't because she thinks any such action would scare him away.

I am getting a little tired of justifying my life to her. Plus, I am just so thrilled to have found my partner-we both had a few disastrous relationships before we met so we know how lucky we are. I do not want to throw my happiness in her face but I am very upset she is not as happy for me as I would be if she was planning for the things I am.

Any advice?

You posted this exact same thread before. Back then I though there was more to it and still do.
Even the thread title is a sly dig at your friend "My friend is waiting for a proposal of marriage for six years."
You are in a one year relationship she is in a six year relationship. Neither of you are engaged. Your boyfriend said he loved you after you third date. That to me screams desperate. Nobody can fall in love with someone that quick.

LegacyUser

I have not posted this thread before and I am a little insulted by that insinuation. Why would I post about something twice?
I have been very plain in my post, if someone else has posted a similar problem before that is nothing to do with me.
From reading this forum it seems many people have similar problems and people have similar experiances, why you would think I would repost a problem is beyond me.
Other posters, thank you for comments.

The Recliner

ddjsdfkljdfkl wrote: »

You posted this exact same thread before. Back then I though there was more to it and still do.

I can can confirm the OP hasn't started a thread like this before

Similar threads come up all the time, try not to jump to conclusions

Sorry OP I had hoped to reply to this before anyone saw it

ManOfMystery

ddjsdfkljdfkl wrote: »

You posted this exact same thread before. Back then I though there was more to it and still do.
Even the thread title is a sly dig at your friend "My friend is waiting for a proposal of marriage for six years."
You are in a one year relationship she is in a six year relationship. Neither of you are engaged. Your boyfriend said he loved you after you third date. That to me screams desperate. Nobody can fall in love with someone that quick.

How is the title a dig? The title is a very basic descriptory statement of what the issue in the in thread - exactly what a title should be :rolleyes:

OP your friend obviously has a lot of frustrations with her situation.

You need to have another word with her and remind her that you are the not the cause of her situation. If she has some frustrations, she need to work these out with the person who is causing them - her boyfriend.

LBD

friend indeed wrote: »

I am interested to hear the responses.

I told her three years ago she needs to set the record straight. When she asked me what she should do I said I would like to know where I stand and if I was in her shoes I would tell him what I wanted and ask if he wanted the same things because there is no point in being with someone if you are not on the same page. We are in our late 20s so its not like we are teenagers.

She said that she knows she wants to get married, but has to wait for him to come around. I kind of snapped at this and said my partner told me after we were together a couple of months that he saw us as a long-term thing and that he really wanted us to have a family some day-he was so upfront it was a relief after seeing so many guys I had been with faff about with committment. I am getting sick of her moaning about how she wants to get married etc while not being interested in whats going on with me.

I hate to sound soppy but I am just so happy to haev found my partner who loves me so much that I want everyone to be as happy as me. I want her to be happy but if he boyfriend is making her unhappy I want her to do something about it and not just hang about waiting.

Maybe this is where you need to be careful? While your situation clearly works for you it doesnt for eveyone else. I got engaged after only knowing my partner for 2.5 years ( we moved very fast to begin with I basically moved myself into his apartment after a few weeks ) and while it was completely right for us I know other people who thought it was very soon! I know some girls who have waited for longer then 6years too (I think they're mad it certainly wouldnt be me) but likewise my cousin was with his partner for 8years before they got engaged and took a trip down the aisle. They were certainly no less or more in love then myself and my oh.

Maybe because you are so happy you cannot understand how other people aren't as happy as you. The love bubble can become very pink and rosy and it can be hard to look outside it believe me I know , I can ceratinly identify with the feelings you've expressed at meeting your oh, I felt the exact same. Has your friend outright said she is jealous. Could you possibly be mistaking this jealousy for genuine concern at how fast you're moving with your partner?

If not then I certainly agree with the other posters and she needs to snap out of it, your friends should be happy for you otherwise you need to question why you're friends in the first place! Imagine if you did get engaged, what would she be like then

Floppybits

OP, I can understand your frustration with your friend and I can understand you friends frustration. Here is my take on things, I think the earlier you get with someone the longer you will be going out before you take for the things to happen that have happened to you in a short time. Now this does not apply to most people but I think it applies to a lot of people.

Let put in an example for you, My mate in his mid 30's, he met his wife and within 6 months of stating to go out she moved in with him, 2 years later they were engaged and 2 years after that they were married that all happened within 5 years. Now take my other friend he met his now wife when they were in their early 20's, they were going out for nearly 10 years when they got engaged, they never lived together till they bought their house after 10 years and then they finally got married a while after that but his wife had to sit down with him and ask him what the situation was, if she hadn't they would still be back at square one.

The reason he gave was that the time just flew in and before he knew it they were going out 10 years and it was only when she spoke to him that he realised this. This could be the same for your friends other half and he probably thinks they are still too young or maybe he doesn't want to make the commitment but either way your friend is going to have to man up (as they say) and discuss things with her other half.

Now my other friend has 2 kids and his mrs is always saying they can never go anywhere and she is jealous because other couples without kids can go out when they like, but she didnt care when she was doing this sort of stuff and all the single people weren't and she would go on and on about. Ya just cant win.

Penny Dreadful

friend indeed wrote: »

I am not really sure what advice I am looking for.
I am with by boyfriend for a year. We are moving in together and planning to buy a house, and we have discussed marriage and how many children we would like. We moved very quickly, he has told me he was in love with me by the third date and if our circumstances, moneywise, were a little different we would buy a house and start a family tomorrow.

My friend is very jealous of this. She is with her boyfriend six years and she is afraid to ask him to move in together because she thinks it will scare him off. She is looking at wedding dresses online but he has moved from a flatshare back into his parents without suggesting they live together. She comments on how fast we have moved and that she is surprised that I am not more cautious. I have told her we are in love and that we know we want to be married some day, so why wait for a defined period before moving forward?

She said I'll probably be engaged and married before her, and that she doesn't see how that is fair as she is with her partner so long. I have said if she wants to know where she stands, she should sit her partner down and ask him, but she won't because she thinks any such action would scare him away.

I am getting a little tired of justifying my life to her. Plus, I am just so thrilled to have found my partner-we both had a few disastrous relationships before we met so we know how lucky we are. I do not want to throw my happiness in her face but I am very upset she is not as happy for me as I would be if she was planning for the things I am.

Any advice?

I broke up with my boyfried of ten and a half years at the end of Nov/start of Dec last year. We broke up after being together for that long and living together for 6 years and still loving each other because he finally (after stringing me along for about 2.5 years) admitted that he didn't want to get married and would never want kids and basically wanted life to stay the exact same way as it had been for the last few years.

From what you've outlined about your friend things sound as though they are going to go the same way. You shouldn't have to justify your life to her but she is scared, worried, upset, angry, frustrated, etc etc. Have a serious conversation with her, advise her to have it out with this man before she gives any more time to something that may not go anywhere. Be there for her if (and probably when) it goes belly up and enjoy your good and happy relationship.