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Sexually Incompatible

LegacyUser

My girlfriend and I have been going out just over a year. We are both in our early 20's and we get on great. However, our relationship has gotten very stale sexually recently. She was a virgin when we first had sex, and it is only as time has gone past that I have come to realise how little importance she places on sex.
She has NEVER masturbated as she finds it disgusting, has never looked at porn, and while she enjoys sex when we are doing it, she has never come remotely close to an orgasm.
I have discussed this at length with her, trying to find ways for her to relax during sex. She is not shy about new positions, but nothing I try seems to work. I am relatively big down there, and have never failed in making any of my sexual partners orgasm. I know that penis size isnt hugely important, but I'm just mentally ticking off boxes.
I can't figure it out. We get on great, very few arguments, we communicate well, and I love her, and I know she loves me, and would be very upset to know this. During sex, she utters not a sound, and I'm beginning to find the whole thing very uninspiring. I have recently started to 'go down' during, due to the fact that I can't get any response out of her.
We don't live together, but see each other 2-3 days a week. In the last week, we have done it once. She has stayed over at mine for the last 2 nights, and we have not done it once, as I have yet to feel any way horny, and she won't initiate. To make me feel even more guilty, I have recently had to start fantasising about ex-girlfriends in order to be able to get hard for her.
What's wrong? Is it me expecting too much? Sex is important to me, and I'm only 21...It's not right that I should struggle this much to keep finding her sexually attractive...

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Nevyn

Has she ever had an orgasm, ever?
Some people just developed sexually later then others, if she doesn't want to explore and develop her down sexuality then there's not a lot you can do about it. Would you consider buying a vibrator?

seamus

As Thaedydal says, there's not a lot you can do as her partner to make her want to explore her own sexuality more. All you can do is be honest an open in your communication. Talking about sex can often be embarrassing for people, but if you're open to talking about it, then she will be too.

I would hazard a guess that it's less rare to find a young woman who has never "explored" herself sexually than it is a young man. In my experience, a young woman is more likely to describe masturbation as "icky" or "sinful" than a young man is. This can be even more pronounced if she's been on the contraceptive pill from her mid-teens, as this is known in some cases to supress libido to the point where they have little interest in sex except to satisfy their partner.

All you can do is be open and honest - you want more sex, and you feel like she doesn't. There's nothing wrong with saying this; Sexual intimacy in a relationship is just as important as emotional intimacy and in most cases the two are very closely dependent on eachother.
Chances are, she's acutely aware of the shortcomings (no pun intended) in your sex life, but she's too embarrassed to discuss them with you and too embarrassed to try deal with it. Getting her to open up is you first step. You can't change her, but you can inspire her to change herself.

This is probably not unrelated to her not orgasming. An orgasm requires relaxation. If someone is tense or thinking about something else, she won't orgasm. Orgasm is a release - allowing yourself to orgasm in the company of another person is actually something of a feat in itself, because it requires you to allow yourself to complete lose control. If she's never even orgasmed on her own, then it will take time to get her used to losing control in your company.
So focus on getting her relaxed - foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. Many women never orgasm with penetrative sex, so focus on bringing her to or close to orgasm through foreplay alone, and before penetration even takes place. If this takes 30 minutes or even an hour, then so be it.

LegacyUser

It Just hasn't happened for her yet! She just hasn't discovered how wonderful sex is and thinks penetration is all there is to it. She might even feel very inadequate as she hasn't come yet, feels she's letting you down and may not even enjoy it much. I've never orgasmed through penetration even though I love it and it makes me high. I hope you're not relying on penetration to make her come? Oral is the way to go. If she's a bit squeamish it may take a while for her to get used to it - start with a little but repeat regularly...

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