Unreasonably Suspicious of my Girlfriend

LegacyUser

So heres my problem.
Me and my Girlfriend talk about everything. I asked her before has she ever cheated and she told me that shes never cheated on any of her boyfriends (she even went a year without having sex with one that used to beat her) and I have no reason not to believe that. In the clubs she gets lots of attention but she never makes me doubt her and usually when a guy is dancing with her or talking to her she'll point out me or say thats my boyfriend and introduce us. I really trust her which makes what I am about to say really weird.

I am constantly, and for no reason, suspicious. I look at her facebook and her txts and when shes on the phone on a night out and I hear men in the backround I get jealous. In nightclubs I lose my head when a guy is chatting her up and generally hate when shes meeting up with her male friend who shes known for years and is genuinely like a brother to her. I am really ashamed and I know its completely unreasonable and I just want to be able to try put a stop to it and trust her. I know for a fact that shes one of the few girls who wouldnt cheat but I suppose thats the problem. I constantly see my friends getting cheated on and it just seems to be quite common. I dont know its illogical and shes given me absolutely no reason to suspect anything yet still I get jealous and everything. Or is every man like that?

Neyite

well, you recognise that you are unreasonably jealous. thats good.

now you need to reassure her that it is your problem to work through, not a reflection on her, or your trust in her. thats really important.

excessive jealousy can ruin a terrific relationship really quickly- would you consider counselling to address it? at the very least, you would learn coping strategies etc. when you encounter a situation that makes you jealous.

good luck.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

well, you recognise that you are unreasonably jealous. thats good.

now you need to reassure her that it is your problem to work through, not a reflection on her, or your trust in her. thats really important.

excessive jealousy can ruin a terrific relationship really quickly- would you consider counselling to address it? at the very least, you would learn coping strategies etc. when you encounter a situation that makes you jealous.

good luck.

Where would one find such counselling services or information on them?

Thanks. Great advice by the way.

Neyite

any counsellor would help or even relationship counselling organisations, Relate or Accord are two i know of off the top of my head - their websites might have some reading that could help you.

but a good starting point would be some self help books on the topic. jealously can be caused by insecurities and self esteem, so working on yourself is the way to go.

i think that your girlfriend would be very understanding of your issues if she knows that your are doing your best to overcome them.

Des Carter

Ok first of all if she lets you check her texts or at least leaves her phone around where you can get it easily it shows that she has nothing to hide so I really doubt shes cheating.

I would also advise you talk to her about it. Tell her your insecure and have trouble trusting people etc. explain that you really care for her and want to change your behaviour etc.

How Strange

jeal1 wrote: »

So heres my problem.
Me and my Girlfriend talk about everything. I asked her before has she ever cheated and she told me that shes never cheated on any of her boyfriends

Are you sure it's the two of you talking as equals and not you asking the questions?

(she even went a year without having sex with one that used to beat her) and I have no reason not to believe that.

So you know she has had a previous abusive relationship

I am constantly, and for no reason, suspicious.
I look at her facebook and her txts and when shes on the phone on a night out and
I hear men in the backround I get jealous.
In nightclubs I lose my head when a guy is chatting her up and
generally hate when shes meeting up with her male friend who shes known for years and is genuinely like a brother to her.

Despite knowing she has had a previous abusive relationship you continue to subject her to a pattern of abuse although it is pyschological rather than physical.

It's not ok to check someone's phone and read through their texts. Everyone is entitled to their own privacy.
It's not ok that you go crazy if a guy chats to her.
It's not ok that you are trying to control what friends she sees.

I really trust her which makes what I am about to say really weird.

Do you?

I am really ashamed and I know its completely unreasonable
I just want to be able to try put a stop to it and trust her.

So you don't trust her

I know for a fact that shes one of the few girls who wouldnt cheat but I suppose thats the problem.

If you know for a fact that she would never cheat then why don't you take her word for it and trust her?

I dont know its illogical and shes given me absolutely no reason to suspect anything yet still I get jealous and everything.

I constantly see my friends getting cheated on and it just seems to be quite common.

What's that got to do with your relationship?

Or is every man like that?

No thankfully they aren't. Most men are mature, have respect for their partners and trust them.

There is something completely wrong in the dymanic of your relationship. I'm guessing that you're both very young, perhaps late teens or early 20's.

Your behaviour is appalling and while it's good that you are aware that it's wrong you now have to do something to break the cycle.
Counselling may help but a pattern of behaviour has been formed for the two of you which will be very difficult to break or change. I'd be as much worried about your behaviour towards her as her tolerance to accept it. She deserves better and if you can't respect her then perhaps you two just aren't suited for a relationship.

bedrock#1

Seriously dude you need to sort this out FAST. You are me and this is what i used to do and i lost my girlfriend because of it and i regret it everyday. It's insecurity on your part thats doing it. You might not see it as that but whats really going on is that you don't believe, deep down that you are good enough for her.

See a counsellor, seriously. It might seem like a drastic step but I tried for years to change by myself and I'd be ok for a few months and then it would happen again. Now she doesn't want to be with me.... Like you said you see all your friends being cheated on and knowing you let one of the good ones get away because of what YOU DID is the most bitter pill to swallow.

Don't worry about what people say that your actions are unacceptable, you already know this because you're here, just take action NOW. If it's not this girl it'll be the next and believe me a life of paranoia and second guessing is a nightmare.

Hope you sort it out mate, best of luck...

bedrock#1

How Strange wrote: »

Are you sure it's the two of you talking as equals and not you asking the questions?


So you know she has had a previous abusive relationship


Despite knowing she has had a previous abusive relationship you continue to subject her to a pattern of abuse although it is pyschological rather than physical.

It's not ok to check someone's phone and read through their texts. Everyone is entitled to their own privacy.
It's not ok that you go crazy if a guy chats to her.
It's not ok that you are trying to control what friends she sees.



Do you?


So you don't trust her


If you know for a fact that she would never cheat then why don't you take her word for it and trust her?




What's that got to do with your relationship?


No thankfully they aren't. Most men are mature, have respect for their partners and trust them.

There is something completely wrong in the dymanic of your relationship. I'm guessing that you're both very young, perhaps late teens or early 20's.

Your behaviour is appalling and while it's good that you are aware that it's wrong you now have to do something to break the cycle.
Counselling may help but a pattern of behaviour has been formed for the two of you which will be very difficult to break or change. I'd be as much worried about your behaviour towards her as her tolerance to accept it. She deserves better and if you can't respect her then perhaps you two just aren't suited for a relationship.

<<<<CUT THE GUY A BIT OF SLACK.... YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT A PICTURE OF PERFECTION EITHER.
THE FACT HE CAME HERE LOOKING FOR ADVICE TOOK GUTS IN ITSELF... A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT WOULDN'T GO AMISS INSTEAD OF DISSECTING HIS POST AND KICKING HIM WHILE HE'S DOWN>>>>>

seamus

How long have you been going out? Yes, a little jealousy is usually normal - it's an instinctual drive to protect "your woman" and prevent any other males from impregnating her before you get a chance to.

It's generally more prevalent when the relationship is still new, but has become a proper relationship where you're infatuated with eachother. As you get to know the other person, your trust builds and you generally relax more. Most people can spot when they're being unreasonably jealous and manage to bite their tongue even if inside their head they're fantasising about ripping the other guy's head off.

Prolonged jealousy, particularly that which is so strong that you're getting upset about it, is usually a sign of your own insecurity - either in yourself or the relationship. When you're insecure in yourself, your fear is usually that she'll find someone better and run off with them.

I've known my wife ten years now and I'd be lying if I said that my ears don't prick up and grab my attention if I see another guy talking to her in a pub or whatever. That's instinct, that's the primal beast. However, I leave her at it because I know that she has no intention of cheating and she is well able to handle herself.

It's really a matter of letting go - realising that she's a distinct person with complete control over her faculties and the ability to make her own decisions. Even if Brad Pitt walked up to her, she's not going to become a gibbering bag of hormones and try to jump him, because she's still a person with her own mind and the ability to make her own choices.
Think about your attitude towards cheating on her (i.e. that you'd never do it) and then assume that she has the same attitude.

You do have to work on it, but the more the look at it rationally and catch yourself when you start to feel jealous, the better you will get at controlling it.

sbsquarepants

This might sound a bit counter intuitive but the first thing you have to do is stop snooping! Even though you're finding nothing it is not reassuring you cos of the simple fact that you're checking, that's not building trust, it's destroying it! Every time you allow yourself to do this, you are actually geting less and less trustfull of your girlfriend.
I was cheated on in the past and it feels like ****, then with a new girlfriend i was very suspicious and checked phones and stuff like that a couple times (usually when drunk) but it was only making me worse, so i FORCED myself to stop and it was the best thing i could have done.
Nobody likes being snooped on, especially if they've done nothing wrong. You're storing up a disaster with this behaviour, you need to take a chance and hope for the best, at least that way you have a chance - this way you have none!

seamus

sbsquarepants wrote: »

This might sound a bit counter intuitive but the first thing you have to do is stop snooping!

That is actually a good point. As humans, we tend towards the "guilty until proven innocent" point of view when we have suspicions, and we often look for proof to back up our suspicions but when we can't find it we don't think we're wrong; we just think we haven't found any proof yet.

Stop the snooping and take the fact that you've found nothing as proof that she's not doing anything. In fact it is. If there's no smoke, there's no fire, so to speak.