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Working with my ex, torture, how to handle

  • 12-05-2010 07:52PM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    Hello everyone,

    I got involved with someone I work with, no point going into all the details.
    The whole relationship was toxic and theres a reason for it. I'm inexperienced and needed counselling over a couple of things. EDIT - Having read over my post, I have to include that this was an affair. I was the 'other man' and with my young age, I thought it was ok and I was lead on a huge amount. I am full of remorse and fairly ashamed, believe me, as well as the 'never get involved with a coworker'. I have a couple of threads going back to last year when this all started, all with me being confused with the fact that she had a boyfreind but continues to run around with me.. :(

    Anyway.

    It's over now, and god I can't move on. We work together once a week, and if not that, once every two weeks. I booked off in such a way that I would be three weeks out of the place, and although I got on great, going out etc, I worked my first day after the break and the second I left after having been around her all day, I felt absolutely terrible.

    We don't talk (some trouble I had trying to tell her to stop talking to me and ringing etc), but I hear her laugh, I over hear her conversations (she makes it unavoidable in fairness lol) and whatever the problem is, I always feel **** for days after I work with her. Shes booking off days left right and centre no doubt for events and other days out and she seems to be making sure I find out. Its all games. I'm 19 and shes 28 ffs.

    I have given this lots of thought, and this has been annoying me for a couple of months. I think I want to ask the boss to book off a month or two but keep my job, he should be ok with that only, what if he asks for a reason? How far should I go with it? I would feel very bad for having to give that as a reason.

    No doubt I still have feelings for this girl, resent her aswell though. But she also seems to be not over it.
    Any advice people?

    Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it.


Comments

  • #2
    Denimgirl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 392 ✭✭Denimgirl


    Just say you somebody is sick or something and you need to look after them,ANYTHING!but don't tell them the real reason why. you do need time out to heal.good luck x


  • #3
    rediguana25
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 89 ✭✭rediguana25


    She is completely in the wrong for leading you on and esp since she is in a relationship. All this aside you still need to work in the same place as her. Ok so I would do anything I could just to make myself happy. Go out , arrange to meet people, join a club or get a hobby or something that your life outside of work would be meaningful for you. The good thing is that you only have to work with her once a week. God I have to work with someone 5 days a wk that I'm mad about and that I can't be with and believe me it's hell. So just think of it as -ah it's only once a wk..you'll be grand.

    You do need to get over her but I think that will come when you meet someone else. You're only 19 and I know how strongly you can fall at 19-nothing anyone else can say will make you change how you feel but you have to remember that you are ONLY 19 and that you will move on from this. You will meet someone else and you will feel better. Know this..you will! Until this happens though keeping yourself as distracted as you can will help. Having something good to do after work will keep you focussed and one day you will find that you actually didn't even notice her or hear her voice or think of her.

    Keep the faith and you'll be grand. Best of luck!


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    rediguana25 wrote: »
    She is completely in the wrong for leading you on and esp since she is in a relationship. All this aside you still need to work in the same place as her. Ok so I would do anything I could just to make myself happy. Go out , arrange to meet people, join a club or get a hobby or something that your life outside of work would be meaningful for you. The good thing is that you only have to work with her once a week. God I have to work with someone 5 days a wk that I'm mad about and that I can't be with and believe me it's hell. So just think of it as -ah it's only once a wk..you'll be grand.

    You do need to get over her but I think that will come when you meet someone else. You're only 19 and I know how strongly you can fall at 19-nothing anyone else can say will make you change how you feel but you have to remember that you are ONLY 19 and that you will move on from this. You will meet someone else and you will feel better. Know this..you will! Until this happens though keeping yourself as distracted as you can will help. Having something good to do after work will keep you focussed and one day you will find that you actually didn't even notice her or hear her voice or think of her.

    Keep the faith and you'll be grand. Best of luck!

    Thanks so much for this my friend, I'll refer back to it when the going gets tough.
    Thanks,
    OP.


  • #5
    lynsalot
    Closed Accounts Posts: 407 ✭✭lynsalot


    Hey OP, sounds like a right nightmare alright. Ok, on the upside.... it's only once a week! As bad as it sounds I always think of others who have it worse then me and realise things aren't that bad.

    Remember this is her problem and not yours. You fell in love, there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing shameful in being in love and feeling heartbroken when it ends. It only solidifies the fact that you deserve someone who will treat you properly as you should be treated. This girl was not willing to do this and you DESERVE better. Remember you're now free to meet someone else, who deserves you while she is still stuck in a relationship she clearly isn't happy in.

    Your life is what's important now. Let her talk loudly, and go out and all that crap. Look after number 1. Let her know she doesn't bother you. Know that this is a pathetic way for a 28 year old to be acting. Think of how her partner feels. He probably doesn't even know she had an affair. This woman is not worthy of your time. You have to think of yourself now. You fell for someone, it didn't work out but now you're beginning to realise you deserve better. And while yes you have to work with her, the feelings you have now will fade. Keep telling yourself what you're worth and you're certainly not worth being the "other" man. My first boyfriend broke up with me when I was 19 and yes it was hard but I promise you it gets better. That was 6 years ago and I've had a few relationships since. I even added him on facebook a while ago. I just don't have those intense feelings I did before. Because things get better with time.

    I hope you can find the strength to take my advice and believe in yourself a bit more. You seem to have copped on that she treated you badly. So keep telling yourself you're better than that.

    All the best
    Lindsay


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