Fed up & frustrated

LegacyUser

Sorry in advance for the length of this, I'm in serious need of venting! I have a feeling what the answers to this are going to be before I even start but I'm gonna post it anyway coz I need to know if I'm expecting too much. Basically, have been with OH for almost four years, live together, love each other very much and get on great most of the time. The only thing that's a bit lacking (for me, he doesn't seem to notice) is the sex department, especially lately. Now he has been very busy lately with exams and stuff so I understood that he was tired and stressed and had a lot on his mind and that was fine. We haven't had sex for about six weeks. He finished his exams last week and instead of jumping me to make up for lost time he just doesn't really seem to have much interest. It's like it comes second to everything else. The first night he went out celebrating which is fair enough but drank so much it wasn't on the cards when we got home. The next, he decided to get a takeaway very late at night and proceeded to eat so much he went to bed feeling sick and bloated. Next night, he stayed up watching stupid tv repeats he's seen a million times while I went to bed. He did make some attempts to start something when he came to bed an hour later but by then I was groggy and pissed off that he was only fitting me in after his tv shows had finished so wasn't exactly in the mood. He didn't even mind. It's like he's not bothered either way.

I know what everyone is going to say - talk to him. But it's not that simple. I have mentioned it briefly but he either makes a joke of it or asks me if I'm pmsing and is that why I'm being so overanalytical and emotional. If I try to talk to him seriously he can get a bit defensive and insulted which I want to avoid. I also want to avoid him "making a special effort" because I complained to him. It shouldn't be an effort, it should be natural, something he wants to do himself, not coz I told him to. I always thought that men want sex a lot of the time, if not all of it but he certainly doesn't, he genuinely seems apathetic. He did say in the past that he obviously has a lower sex-drive than me (because this has come up before and was talked out but never fully resolved obviously because I suppose at the end of the day you can't make anyone feel anything that they just dont) but there's a limit. I don't expect it every night but I don't understand why he doesn't desire me or want me. I know he loves me but it really upsets me that he doesn't ever seem to "want" me.

Even when we do have sex I get the feeling that it's more a "haven't done it in a while so better do it tonight" thing than any lust or longing for it or for me. I have alluded to this in conversations with him but he says I'm paranoid and overthinking everything instead of just enjoying it. He puts it down to me watching too much Sex & The City, constantly questioning every aspect of our relationship for the sake of it! Maybe he's right? Am I being insecure and needy?

Like I said, i understand that he's been up the walls the last month or so and that's not a problem. But he's finished now. I know for a fact that if for some reason he had to give up say, drink for a month that he would be missing it, craving it, counting down the days, hardly able to wait for the day when he could have his first in a month. Why isn't he missing sex with the woman he loves, craving it? I think the fact that he seems not too bothered and doesn't actively want to have sex with me more often upsets me more than the infrequency of sex itself so I guess it is just as much an emotional issue as a physical one. Having said that, I physically need more too! But not because I demanded it. Help!

shellyboo

Oh dear, OP, I really feel for you

Born again virgin! wrote: »

I know what everyone is going to say - talk to him. But it's not that simple. I have mentioned it briefly but he either makes a joke of it or asks me if I'm pmsing and is that why I'm being so overanalytical and emotional.

Charming. That's a classic defensive tactic, turning it back on you. He knows there's a problem if this is how he's reacting. But well done for approaching the tops at all.

Born again virgin! wrote: »

If I try to talk to him seriously he can get a bit defensive and insulted which I want to avoid. I also want to avoid him "making a special effort" because I complained to him.

Yeah, nobody wants their partner to have to make an effort to want them... but sometimes it is necessary, sadly.

Born again virgin! wrote: »

He did say in the past that he obviously has a lower sex-drive than me (because this has come up before and was talked out but never fully resolved obviously because I suppose at the end of the day you can't make anyone feel anything that they just dont) but there's a limit.


I don't expect it every night but I don't understand why he doesn't desire me or want me. I know he loves me but it really upsets me that he doesn't ever seem to "want" me.

It's pretty obvious he has a lower sex drive than you, and I agree that it's very hurtful to be rejected constantly; even though you *know* it's not your fault. I genuinely do not know how the majority of men in relationships cope with not getting as much sex as they need.

Born again virgin! wrote: »

I have alluded to this in conversations with him but he says I'm paranoid and overthinking everything instead of just enjoying it. He puts it down to me watching too much Sex & The City, constantly questioning every aspect of our relationship for the sake of it! Maybe he's right? Am I being insecure and needy?

UGH the Sex & the City defence gets on my tits. If a woman ever has a problem anymore it's because she's watching too much Sex and the City. As if we've no minds of our own.

NO, you are not being insecure and needy; and he's being an asshole, quite frankly, for suggesting that your valid, physical needs are a whim brought about by a cliche of a TV show.

Born again virgin! wrote: »

I think the fact that he seems not too bothered and doesn't actively want to have sex with me more often upsets me more than the infrequency of sex itself so I guess it is just as much an emotional issue as a physical one. Having said that, I physically need more too! But not because I demanded it. Help!

I don't know if I have any constructive advice for you, except to tell you that I've been there and it's shlte. All I can say is that you need to let him know this is a dealbreaker for you -- you need him to make more of an effort to meet your needs and make it feel less like a chore for him, because it's hurtful to you.

If he doesn't take those needs on board and makes an effort to change, you just have to ask yourself if it's something you're willing to live with. I'd be tempted to say that it's not worth it -- in my experience, basic sexual compatibility is one of the essential building blocks in the foundation of a relationship. Problems in the bedroom cause more hassle and grief than anything other issue... it's not something you can just ignore.

G-Money

Born again virgin! wrote: »

I always thought that men want sex a lot of the time, if not all of it

I don't have much advice OP other than to say the above line is a complete and utter myth. We don't want sex all the time. We get tired, we get stressed or sometimes we're just not in the mood. It's not necessarily anything to do with the women we are seeing, although they can often think it is.

Hope things work out OP.

King Mallie

Hi Op,

Do mean to hurt you but using the line from the film "maybe his just not that into you".

If he wanted you, he would be all over you like a rash. This stress and tirdness thing, most fella forget all about it if we think we are going to get some.

That is just my oponion. Hope it helps.

Best of luck sorting things out.

King Mallie

Hi Op,

Do mean to hurt you but using the line from the film "maybe his just not that into you".

If he wanted you, he would be all over you like a rash. This stress and tirdness thing, most fella forget all about it if we think we are going to get some.

That is just my oponion. Hope it helps.

Best of luck sort things out.

LegacyUser

See, this is exactly the problem - the difference between grandmaster's and king mallie's replies! I, like king mallie was and am of the opinion that men want as much sex as they can have and that tiredness, stress and any other deterrants go out the window when sex is on the cards. I tend to think "well, if you really fancied me it wouldn't matter how tired/full/stressed/busy you are, you'd just have to have me regardless". Wheras his attitude is like grandmaster's - it's a myth and a cliche that men constantly want sex, they don't and I shouldn't take it so personally if he's not in the mood coz he doesn't take it personally if I'm not. So, which argument is the right one?!

Maybe I'm being whiny and unfair. We did do it the night before last (hallelujah!) so it's not like he never wants it, he does, it just doesn't seem to be his first priority is all. It'll probably be another week or so before it happens again and that's enough for him which I have to say I find strange in a man. I'm no nymphomaniac or anything but I would think three times a week would be the norm. I mean I go the gym three times a week and that's not even something I like doing! Sex is supposed to be fun, why doesn't he want to do it as much as he physically can?

And yes, he is worth it! There's no question of leaving him over this or anything, we are very happy and very much in love. I suppose I just miss the passion but then we have been together a while and that does go, doesn't it?

S23

Sorry King Mallie but that reply is nonsense. The 'all men want sex all the time' sterotype is just as cliched and bull****ty as the 'you've been watching too much Sex in the City' argument.

Its natural to want an active sexual relationship but to say that every man is gagging all the time is ridiculous. Also to say that stress and tiredness magically evaporate if the opportunity to have sex arises is nonsense.

Quite frankly the 'well if you really fancy me then everything else should go out the window' is quite a selfish attitude. He's only human and is sucptible to other things impacting on his sex drive. So I'd get that idea out of your head as it will improve your realtionship with men in general. Thats not to say that there aren't some guys that fit your mould but certainly not all guys are like that. Also, just because he doesn't try to jump you every time he sees you doesn't mean that he doesn't find you desirable either.

Now you say its not like he doesn't want it all the time and you do have sex but its not enough which is a bit of a different picture from the opening post. You've been going out 4 years so the inital hooneymoon period is long gone. So basically this boils down to you wanting sex more than he does now. And I'm sorry its not what you want to hear but you are going to have to talk to him about this.

It was good of you to back off for his hectic month but did you really expect him to come out all guns blazing once he got through that if thats just not the way he is in general.

It basically sounds like you two are mismatched in the sex drive department. He's happy to have sex once a week and you want it more.

Also, to backtrack, you complain about sex not being his first priority. Why exactly should it be? He's an adult isn't he? Not some horny teenager with a sex obsession. A healthy sex life is important but theres more to life and relationships than that and a relationship based on sex where sex is the #1 priority doesn't, in my book anyway, sound healthy at all.

Its not like he'd been having sex with you all the time and then suddenly stopped altogether. It sounds like over the course of 4 years he's fallen into a routine of wanting it once a week (ish) and you want it a lot more but you haven't been able to communicate about it.

It basically does come down to talking about it and sorting something out. And if he is too childish to do so then you may have to reasses the mans character. Communication and compromise are a big part of a realtionship.

Also, for the record, how much more often would you like to be having sex? EDIT would 3 times a week be enough is what I mean

LegacyUser

Yeah, 3 times a week would be enough, I'm not a raging sex addict! It's just that when we do do it, I can't help thinking afterwards "well, that's it now till next week!", I suppose what I would like is a bit more passion and spontanaeity really. I do bring it up sometimes and in fairness to him he might up it a notch for a while but then it slips back to routine again. I guess you're right, I should accept him the way he is. And I do. The fact that I want more of him is a good thing surely coz I love him so much.
And I know he's not a horny teenager and sex isn't going to be his top priority 24/7, that's not what I'm saying. What I mean is at night when we've been cuddling on the couch and it comes time to go to bed, I do feel personally insulted and hard-done by if he chooses to stay up watching repeats on TV instead, I can't help it. (And I don't mean if he's watching something interesting or a movie or something, I'm talking about mindless late-night crap he has no real interest in or episodes of shows he's already seen 10 times.)
I guess you guys are right. We are just different with regard to libido and have to just accept that as part of our differences as individuals. Only trouble with that is he gets everything he needs then while I'm left wanting more!!

Des Carter

Born again virgin! wrote: »

I suppose what I would like is a bit more passion and spontanaeity really.

OK I got a simple and somewhat obvious solution but why dont you take some Sex an the City advise and instigate proceedings yourself. I mean all you have to do if your feeling in the mood is to slip on something sexy and just make your move.

Chances are he wont refuse.

And good luck.

S23

Born again virgin! wrote: »

I guess you guys are right. We are just different with regard to libido and have to just accept that as part of our differences as individuals. Only trouble with that is he gets everything he needs then while I'm left wanting more!!

Look I think your opening post was seemed a bit more extreme than the situation actually is. However, you've made it clear what the problem is now.

That said, I'm not suggesting you raise the white flag on this one. As I said, communication and compromise are big parts of a relationship.

Sex once a week might be alright for him but its not alright for you. If you can manage to talk about this and highlight the issue in an appropriate way there surely must be a middle ground to be reached.

As you said, sex should be fun, so, while he might only have sex once a week if its left to him, theres no way that having sex more than once a week should be beyond him if he knows its important to you. Every realtionship goes through lulls or something similiar but its nothing you can't work through by communicating and being fair with each other.

One last thing. While everyone is allowed relax in the manner they like I actually think that business of staying up to watch nonsense on the tv all the time while his lovely girlfriend goes to bed (not nessicarily expecting sex) alone. I can't imagine its very nice to be left to lie in bed at night alone on a regular basis when your other half is inside watching repeats of The Klangers.

It's not the hugest deal in the world but still is one that you are entitled to be bothered by. I doubt he realises that though. I'd hazard a guess that he doesn't realise that you two have lost a certain level of intimacy in your relationship because it sounds like everything else is well on track. It can be restored easily enough if you both talk about it and make the effort to repair it.

You just need to be capable of talking about these things even if they are a little awkward or embarrasing for one or both of you at first

LegacyUser

Thanks a million for the advice guys, much appreciated. I guess I did make things sound a bit more extreme in my original post coz I was fed up and ranting but it's not that bad really. It's not like I never get any in fairness and it's not like I have any doubt in my mind that he loves me and would do anything for me.

I guess all couples fall into a certain routine and once you're in it it can be quite hard to get out of, especially if it's become so comfortable that one party thinks why go changing it. I will try and talk about it seriously with him though he is a real joker and it is difficult!

And yeah I guess I could instigate things a bit more often instead of lying there seething that he isn't coming on to me! I know it probably sounds vain but I am a bit old-fashioned in thinking that it's the guy's job really to make the moves and make the girl feel sexy and desirable. Kind of unfair though I suppose. As for slipping into something sexy to entice him Des, I tried that once, wore this sexy leopard-print thing to surprise him. He burst out laughing and said "what the hell are you wearing,you look like Wilma Flintstone!" I didn't do it again. Like I said he's a joker and tends to make a joke out of everything and not take things that seriously (which is why he doesn't really take me seriously when I bring these things up). He's not really one for sexy lingerie, I don't honestly think he would notice so then I can't justify spending the money on it. It's weird coz I thought that all men were all about the visual but not him obviously. I guess that's another one of those cliches. Although he does buy men's mags like FHM and Zoo and they have scantily-clad lovelies all over them. He certainly doesn't think they look like Wilma Flintstone!! But then I'm not exactly a skinny minnie so me in a neglige looks nothing like the girls in FHM in neglige's I guess.

Basically I think he's of the attitude that we've been together a few years now, we're not horny teenagers gagging for each other all the time anymore and have reached a more comfortable and sedate period in our relationship. He used to always hold my hand when we were out before, now it's kind of like we're past that stage in his opinion.
I know I will have to say all these things to him. It's just good to get them all out here first and prepare! Thanks again guys.

Motley Crue

OP, he sounds like a child, we all make mistakes from time to time but he needs to learn that he can't put himself first all the time and has to make room for your needs....together...

and I don't buy FHM or Zoo because I feel buying that material is wrong when you have a girlfriend, I find it disrespectful, so I'd stop that behaviour personally

LegacyUser

I can't exactly tell him what he can and can't read Motley Crue! That's disrespectful too, trying to deny someone's freedom of choice and control what they read. Anyway, he says he buys them coz they are a good read (yeah yeah, I know!!) and I have to admit, I've often sat down and had a read of FHM myself. I don't really mind him reading it, it's just the size 0 girls in it make me feel a bit insecure and inadequate, that's all. But that's my issue, not his. He tells me to stop being silly, that I'm more beautiful than any of them.

I guess maybe the unattainable is more sexually appealing than someone you already have and know you can have anytime? If I ever jokingly say "you shouldn't be looking at those girls in the mags, you should only have eyes for me" he laughs and says sure, he can look at me anytime he wants! So I think the problem could be familiarity. What to do?

Herbal Deity

Born again virgin! wrote: »

I am a bit old-fashioned in thinking that it's the guy's job really to make the moves and make the girl feel sexy and desirable.

Having read this, IMHO, this situation is largely your fault.

If you don't initiate sex how is he supposed to know you want it?

LegacyUser

I know, I agree that you have a point. I think it's because I'm not 100% secure about my body and don't feel sexy that I'm afraid to start anything sometimes in case I get rejected (and that has happened before) coz however bad I am now, that would set me back tenfold. But like I did already say, I am aware that this is my issue, not his and I don't blame him for my hang-ups. It's just that by him being so wishy-washy about having sex with me, it's not exactly helping matters either!

I know why I don't instigate sex every second night, like I outlined above, but I don't know why he doesn't. That makes me start to think that he must not fancy me as much anymore and that sex with me is so blah, he can take it or leave it etc. He knows damn well I'm not going to turn him down (I take it where I can get it!) so then it is just that he can't be a**ed, like a household chore he keeps putting off and that hurts.

G-Money

Just my own two cents OP. I was seeing a girl for a while a few months ago and I think it was almost always me initiating things, or it at least felt like that. It kind of annoyed me a bit as well. I almost felt like I was bothering her by starting stuff, even though she didn't reject me. But at the same time I remember thinking to myself that I must seem like some sex obsessed idiot. Even though I'm not.

So I suppose I could visualise myself initiating things less because she never did. So in my head it was a case that she musn't be that into it if I'm always having to make the first move. And the last thing I wanted to do was to seem like I was only interested in and obsessed with, sex.

Just another viewpoint.

Herbal Deity

Born again virgin! wrote: »

I know why I don't instigate sex every second night, like I outlined above, but I don't know why he doesn't. That makes me start to think that he must not fancy me as much anymore and that sex with me is so blah, he can take it or leave it etc. He knows damn well I'm not going to turn him down (I take it where I can get it!) so then it is just that he can't be a**ed, like a household chore he keeps putting off and that hurts.

Maybe he thinks you don't fancy him much, and that you think sex with him is so blah, and you can take it or leave it etc....

There's every chance that he's hurt that you never initiate it.

Big +1 to what grandmaster has said above.

When you're the guy and you're ALWAYS the one to have to initiate sex, it can be confusing and make you feel a little insecure about how much your gf actually wants to have sex with you.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys!
I did take the bull by the horns and tried to initiate something the other night but he said he was too full (but yet he won't stop eating too much late at night - aaaggghhh!) so I ended up lying awake for hours close to tears and worrying about all sorts. I know I probably overreact massively but i can't help it at the time!
Having said that, he did initiate things the following night to "make it up to me" so I guess I don't have that much to worry about all things considered.
I am going to try and be a bit more assertive myself in the future and just hope I meet with a little more enthusiasm and frequency rather than apathy or rejection. Fingers crossed!