Can't sleep

just_scared

Lately, say since January I've become scared of everything. It's become a bit of a joke at this stage, people don't really think I'm serious, but I sort of am. I've just constantly felt nervous and on edge. But lately I'm just completely on the verge of tears.
I'm a really really shy person, I can be loud when I know people really well, but even then I've been described as a very "gentle soul".
I just hate this fear!

For the past week I haven't slept properly because I've just been dwelling on the past. I always felt really lonely as a child. My Dad's an alcoholic, so my Mum was always at work, and I never really bonded with her. Even now people joke about how I don't seem to like my parents, as I'll go a semester without calling them.
With my Dad, I sort of just hate him. He would look after us at weekends, he'd spend the whole day at the pub, and then come home to make us dinner. The dinner would taste of nothing but salt, and he would stand over us 'til we ate it all. I was prone to tears, and he would shout at me if I cried. So I would try and eat, staring out the window waiting for my Mum to come home. It's funny, only found out recently that my cousins were threatened as kids that if they didn't eat their dinner they'd be sent to my house, to my Dad. (A cousin had visited one summer and told him about the experience). Lately I just keep remembering when I was 7 or 8, crying in my room at night, just because I felt so alone, out of my head. I don't even know
Another memory that keeps popping into my head is when I was about 15, my brother (24 at this stage), my brother came into my bedroom and when I sat up he just grabbed me around the waist from behind and no matter how much I fought he wouldn't let me go. I could smell his disgusting plaque breath over my shoulder, and remember trying to free myself from his grip, don't really remember everything. But I remember eventually getting free, and locking myself in the bathroom next to my room and crying, while listening to hear him leave. That only happened twice I think, maybe three times. Another time he took my phone and told me I had to come into his room to get it back. I didn't think he would do anything, because my Dad was home. But it was basically the same, I remember I kept telling him my Dad would see because he was outside, but he just kept telling me "no, he won't", and he didn't. I just felt so alone

Recently, for the first time I've allowed someone to get close to me. I haven't told him any of this, because I'm too scared to, but I feel like he should know I'm messed up, because he's so loving! I can't even love my own family. He's the only one I've ever trusted, and felt close to. But I see him very rarely, and the last time he visited he was wrecked so slept all the time. I ended up crying, because I felt like I had the person I was close to, close to me, but I was still lonely.
I've always felt lonely, but I really can't deal with being scared of everything too

Des Carter

I would strongly recommend making an appointment with a therapist and seeking some form of professional counselling as you have clearly had a traumatic childhood and upbringing.

I also cant see what advice anyone on here can give you as they are not qualified and will simply not know how to help you out

what happened to you was disgraceful and wrong as no child (or person) should suffer that kind of treatment and I cant even contemplate how that would have effected me.

I would also recommend you tell your boyfriend as you need all the support you can get and good luck.

dontbemean

I am so sorry that you have had to endure this treatment by the people who are supposed to protect and love you. From your post it's clear that nobody could deal with this alone for longer than you have. It's time to get some help with the way you're feeling. I suggest contacting a therapy centre e.g. the Clanwilliam institute (www.clanwilliam.ie) so you can talk to a good professional about this. None of this is your fault and you need to stop carrying the full burden of it.

My fingers are crossed for you. x

just_scared

I actually felt amazing after I wrote this! I've never told anyone, or really admitted it. But I feel so much better!
Aw, I feel bad about your comments, it wasn't really that bad. I don't think I need counselling or anything. I just really really needed to say it!

Des carter, I had been thinking about telling him, seeing as he'd once asked me the most scared I'd ever been. And because he gets annoyed when he hears people call me detached and cold. And he says it scares him how lonely I get sometimes. I really can't believe how lucky I am to have him!

I'm still on such a high from admitting it! But I could never admit it to my Mum, a few years ago I mentioned to my Mum how a teacher commented that from my stories I was a fairly pessimistic child, and she got angry and defensive. And nobody has it perfect, everyone has something, right.

just_scared

I just can't get over the need to cry! My eyes started to water for a bit there, but I stopped at that. It's always there though. Even when I was happy about writing that my eyes were watering. The thing is, it doesn't seem as bad as you say, I guess I'm just sensitive. I take everything people say on board. I'm still confused as to why my brother did that, but it could've been a lot worse.
I wish I could stop thinking!!

I always find it ironic how my nickname is smiley, because when I'm around people I can't help but smile! Yet if I spend more than a day at home without leaving the house, I feel so lonely and trapped I cry.
My Mum's still stumped by the nickname!

I know I'm replying to my own comment, but I'm still soaring from the release!

dontbemean

just_scared wrote: »

I just can't get over the need to cry! My eyes started to water for a bit there, but I stopped at that. It's always there though. Even when I was happy about writing that my eyes were watering. The thing is, it doesn't seem as bad as you say, I guess I'm just sensitive. I take everything people say on board. I'm still confused as to why my brother did that, but it could've been a lot worse.
I wish I could stop thinking!!

I always find it ironic how my nickname is smiley, because when I'm around people I can't help but smile! Yet if I spend more than a day at home without leaving the house, I feel so lonely and trapped I cry.
My Mum's still stumped by the nickname!

I know I'm replying to my own comment, but I'm still soaring from the release!

OP, I'm glad that you found some release from talking here. To me it seems that you are probably the kind of person who could benefit from talking about the experiences that are making you feel lonely, trapped, confused or unable to sleep. I know that nobody can push you into therapy, and while I used therapy for my own problems I understand that not everybody wants to take the same path. The reason I suggested it was because you mentioned that you had lost sleep over it, and insomnia is a problem that will lead to serious physical/mental consequences if you let it continue.

If you don't take the therapy route, you could share your thoughts with a close friend or your boyfriend if he is an understanding type. Although you say that things weren't quite as bad as your original post made out, I feel that you've suffered in silence for a long time. It doesn't surprise me that your name is 'smiley' - sometimes people who have suffered a lot become very strong in character. You sound like a good, genuine person with a lot of empathy for members of your family who abandoned or harrassed you. Please at least think about talking to a counsellor. Don't worry about the cost as the institute I referred you to has a system of charging clients only what they can afford.

I had secrets from my past that I'd kept inside for years because I thought they were too shameful to share with anyone, and that whoever I told would tell me that I was repulsive and reject me. But when I did talk to a professional the problem became much smaller and most importantly, you learn how to ration out blame for what happened in your family, and it no longer falls on your shoulders only.

just_scared

dontbemean, thanks, that's the nicest thing ever

Aw, I can't believe people would be so cruel as to think those things about you, let alone say them to you.

I think abandoned is the wrong word. Everything she's ever done has been for me and my siblings. I just wish she'd ever told me she loved me, or at least made me feel like she did. I think I'll have to tell him eventually, he called me up when I mentioned I was crying, and he can't understand why I think I'm so devoid of emotion and full of hate. He tries to prove I'm the opposite by pointing out my fear of cursing, because I say they're words of pure hate. But really I just don't want to be my Dad, and let other people feel what I did as a kid!

I love that you've recovered. You seem like such a nice person, just in taking the time to reply to me. I like how you were strong enough to get help too.