How do I show my grattitude without crossing boundries?

flay

im a 29 year old man I have been going to my counselor for nearly a year now for things that happened to me as a child. I have to say she has been excellent annd really made me look at things a different way and gave me a great deal of hope for the future. She genuinly seem to care for me in a personal way ( wheter its right or wrong i dont know), she wells up sometimes when i tell her what a great help shes being to me and i get upset.

There has been some mutual atraction ( i know its transference and its common) which i wouldnt act on but my sessions are coming to n end in about two months and i really feel like hugging her, she has been the most positive influence on my life and want to show her my apreciation, should i just ask her during my last session?

Nevyn

I would suggest getting her a parting gift, something appropriate like a plant which can reference how much you have been able to grow with her help, that way it is meaning ful but with over stepping.

flay

Would it be wrong to ask to hug her, even a handshake would feel to fake for me the gift idea is a good one btw thanks.

Kimia

I wouldn't go down the hugging route - could make her feel uncomfortable.. It sounds like you have feelings for her?

LegacyUser

I am in a similar situation with regards to ending therapy and wanting to give a token of my gratitude.

i dont think a hug or personal contact is a good idea, unless your therapist has hugged you in the past when you've been upset etc. Each therapist has their own boundaries of interaction with clients. Ending counselling might be hard enough without the possibility of feeling rejected or silly for trying to hug her and it not being returned.

I think even giving gifts to therapists can be a grey area- some might have a policy about not accepting gifts. I was thinking of giving my therapist a thank you card with a poem i have written inside it...im not even sure if that would be appropriate!

flay

Kimia wrote: »

I wouldn't go down the hugging route - could make her feel uncomfortable.. It sounds like you have feelings for her?

Well i wont say its a strictly by the book affair, we both said there is feelings there, a fact i find odd is the way she constantly plays with her hair and crosses her legs. its like shes trying to encourage feelings from me.

I told her i would never act on them and she asked why not which i ignored, i havent much sessions left and would only offer the hug on the last one i will never see her again, besides all this she has helped me bigtime!

Kimia

It's very inappropriate for her to tell you that she has feelings for you. You are her patient!

I find this very strange. You are using the hug like a hook - going to hug her on the last session to see what she does??

I wouldn't go down this road OP. Come on, you know this - this is not good and I'm still shocked that she would ask you why you aren't acting on your feelings for her.

Also one word of advice separate to this - never assume that a women is trying to encourage feelings from you, ever. I find it very creepy that you think she's trying to encourage you by the way she crosses her legs??

This whole thread is odd.

flay

Ah now if you knew me you wouldnt say that im a confident chap i dont need counsoling to pick up women. I should say that i was offered more counsoling but dont intend to do any more sessions, if i did want it to lead to more i wouldnt stop going!

I know its not good but remember i told her i wouldnt act on them and i know this sounds weird but she has helped me overcome things that i wont mention here, when i say i have feelings for her i mean it in the way you would have feelings for someone you trusted with more than you told anyone before and gave you advice and strength to carry on in dark times, i would never consider going on a date with her or anything.

Kimia im sorry i offended you with that statement i certainly dont think that at all, the way i put that sounds very creepy i agree, exactly what she does is stroke her legs while crossing them not long after telling me she has intense feelings, i opted not to have any more therapy because i find this creepy but on the other hand she has changed my life and i want to show gratitude there is my prediciment!

sorry i wasnt so clear before.

Kimia

Ah yes I see what you mean now. To be honest Flay I think it's very bad form of her to do this to you. You are her patient and you are paying her for a particular service and it's not right of her to tell you that she has 'intense feelings' for you. Can you imagine if you were a girl on here saying the same thing? It's very very inappropriate and I feel bad for you that you have to put up with this kind of confusing crap from someone that should know better.

I see what you mean about your feelings towards her. I would leave it Flay - she might take it up the wrong way - in fact from what you've said already she would love to take it up the wrong way and if you're not interested then don't even go there.

In fact, there's my advice - just leave it Flay and get the hell away from her - I am still shocked that she's coming on to you so strongly and she's meant to be your counsellor!!! :eek:

flay

So to make it clearer i know how shes acting is wrong i didnt cut off the sessions but they will be ending in a month anyway unless i opt for more which i wont because im starting to find her behaviour unaceptable but i dont want her to think im not grateful for what she has done for me so as was mnetioned ealrier a gift might be apropriate.

kimia just to say again of course i dont think crossing legs is encouragement if that were true every woman i ever met would be "encouraging" the way i put that earlier made it look like i have no respect for women i assure you that is not the case, the fact that she runs her hand down her thigh is what i find uncomfotable, i hope youll accept my apology for any offence caused.

Kimia

Apology accepted Flay no worries. Again I don't think you should do anything. Finish the sessions and don't contact her again, and don't recommend her to anyone. She shouldn't be acting this way with you.

flay

Kimia wrote: »

Apology accepted Flay no worries. Again I don't think you should do anything. Finish the sessions and don't contact her again, and don't recommend her to anyone. She shouldn't be acting this way with you.

The reason i gave her leway at the beginning is because im her first client and has no experience so maybe the whole thing is overwhelming her i wont hug her dont worry , i just feel bad if i dont get her a card or plant or something i cant emphasize enough that she changed my life for the better.

PK2008

Good counsellors generally facilitate the client making their own breakthroughs. "Fixing" a client is counter productive, if you come out of your treatment feeling that it was only because of your consellor that you made progress then something is wrong, you should be feeling a sense of pride in your own personal growth.

Anyway, this consellor sounds way off the mark, is she qualified? This is really irresponsible of her, it puts you in an enormously difficult situation especially if you relapse.

If you're undergoing counselling then I assume you have enough problems to deal with, without adding to them by beginning a romantic relationship with your counsellor, recipe for disaster.

flay

Yes she is qaulified and works for a orginization that has become important recently, i think the only reason shes acting like this is that were the same age.

I agree she didnt fix me but offered more understanding than other people did and gave me her beleif in me.

I will not be beginning a romantic relationship with her dont worry, how weird would that be.

Smallbit

Flay, while your counsellor may have helped you, and though she may work for an organisation that is doing good work, her behaviour is completely unacceptable for a professional working in this area (especially in your circumstances).

If she felt that she was developing feelings toward you, she should immediately have begun a process to transfer you to another counsellor. Above all she should not have revealed her feelings toward you. Her behaviour, as you describe it, would be a solid basis for expulsion from whichever professional body she is accredited with. I'm assuming she is accredited? For example she should have IACP, IICHP, ICHP, etc after her name/credentials on her card.

If she is not accredited, and given that you are her first client, you should establish that she is acting under supervision from another qualified Supervisor/Counsellor. If not, you are in the hands of an amateur, however much you feel she has helped you.