Wedding Politics - Crowd Control!!

intothewest

Hi All - have a typical wedding dilemma on our hands. OH and I had always said we wanted a small wedding (in this part of world, a 'normal' wedding is 300+, anything less is nearly considered small!). Now, we're having approx 120, so in our minds that's still not small, but it's the people we really want there without the 'we should invite' people. My side of family has 35 odd cousins, not taking partners into consideration, but there has always been an unspoken rule that it's just the cousins you are close with that are invited - there's never been an expectation, and therefore griping, if an invite doesn't arrive. My OH's family however is different. There has been a handful of weddings on his side, and all the cousins have been invited...which is much the same as on my side, 35+ without taking partners into consideration. A few years back, one of his cousins (groom) invited them all, but without partners, and there was a bit of an uproar about it...and in fairness, not with the cousins, but with the parents. Turned out that a cousin of the bride who was only fifteen had brought a friend, prob to keep her company, and that caused such a furor I was actually taken aback by it. We went to the evening part, and at that stage, they were all well rattled up by it. Sounds like they are a horrid bunch of people and they aren't, but when it comes to the politics of weddings, the demons come out!!

Anyway, dilemma is that we aren't planning on inviting them all, and in any case, the location we've chosen has a ceiling of how many we can invite, which is what our list is already at.

OH's mother has already been on to him that she would pay for the cousins just for an easy life cos she thinks she'll get the flack. Money that she doesn't have might I add. Not in a month of Sunday's would I firstly dream of backing down just to keep the peace, and secondly, take money from her for that purpose. We're not gonna be guilted/bullied into anything. We have however, decided that we'll speak with the parents of each of the families, and simply state to them that we're having a smaller affair, location can only hold x amount, and that my side of the family is getting the same treatment (in fact, there are gonna be more from his side than mine at it), As it turns out, there'll be at least one of the cousins from each of the families on his side at it. We're gonna have to do this sooner than later, cos we want to know asap that it's a smaller affair..therefore there won't be expectations. They'll all be invited to the evening.

Has anyone had similar issue, and how did they find the best way to handle it?

quad_red

intothewest wrote: »

Hi All - have a typical wedding dilemma on our hands. OH and I had always said we wanted a small wedding (in this part of world, a 'normal' wedding is 300+, anything less is nearly considered small!). Now, we're having approx 120, so in our minds that's still not small, but it's the people we really want there without the 'we should invite' people. My side of family has 35 odd cousins, not taking partners into consideration, but there has always been an unspoken rule that it's just the cousins you are close with that are invited - there's never been an expectation, and therefore griping, if an invite doesn't arrive. My OH's family however is different. There has been a handful of weddings on his side, and all the cousins have been invited...which is much the same as on my side, 35+ without taking partners into consideration. A few years back, one of his cousins (groom) invited them all, but without partners, and there was a bit of an uproar about it...and in fairness, not with the cousins, but with the parents. Turned out that a cousin of the bride who was only fifteen had brought a friend, prob to keep her company, and that caused such a furor I was actually taken aback by it. We went to the evening part, and at that stage, they were all well rattled up by it. Sounds like they are a horrid bunch of people and they aren't, but when it comes to the politics of weddings, the demons come out!!

Anyway, dilemma is that we aren't planning on inviting them all, and in any case, the location we've chosen has a ceiling of how many we can invite, which is what our list is already at.

OH's mother has already been on to him that she would pay for the cousins just for an easy life cos she thinks she'll get the flack. Money that she doesn't have might I add. Not in a month of Sunday's would I firstly dream of backing down just to keep the peace, and secondly, take money from her for that purpose. We're not gonna be guilted/bullied into anything. We have however, decided that we'll speak with the parents of each of the families, and simply state to them that we're having a smaller affair, location can only hold x amount, and that my side of the family is getting the same treatment (in fact, there are gonna be more from his side than mine at it), As it turns out, there'll be at least one of the cousins from each of the families on his side at it. We're gonna have to do this sooner than later, cos we want to know asap that it's a smaller affair..therefore there won't be expectations. They'll all be invited to the evening.

Has anyone had similar issue, and how did they find the best way to handle it?

It's a difficult one alright. We're getting married this summer and we've been put under allot of pressure as well (venue max limit is 120 as well - probably the same place ).

All I can say is hold your course and do what ye want. If you start to cave then it sets a precedent. Be calm and composed and have a unified line with your partner.

namurt

I've pretty much done nothing but defend our choices and decisions since we announced the engagement so I know how you feel. I think the best thing is to make it clear as soon as possible what your intentions are so people can't say "we'd assumed/thought" this, that and the other.

Also, definitely stick to what you've decided. You decided that for a reason.

Good luck.

tinkerbell

It's your wedding, nobody elses. Feck what everyone else thinks tbh. Why should you have to invite these cousins just because they might get antsy about it? And why should you have people there who you don't want there even if your mother wants to pay for it?

If they want a party for everyone, then tell them they can organise their own party. Your wedding day is about YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND, nobody else. Tell them that the venue can only hold X number of people and stick to your guns and invite only who you want to be there. Don't just invite people for the sake of it, or you'll probably end up regretting it.

suzieled

If your brother or sister has a child and when that child got married, they didnt invite your child to the wedding, how would you feel?

Thats the way I had to put it to my brother, when he couldnt understand why our parents were so upset we were not invited to our cousins wedding.

Anyway I am getting married soon and was asked by my parents was I going to invite cousins that didnt invite me to their weddings. As far as I am concerned, a wedding day is a very special day to be shared by family and friends so yes I will invite them.

I hope they had a great time and maybe feel a bit guilty about not inviting us. They had a lot at their wedding so it wasnt about numbers.

How Strange

I got married recently and it was always the same kind of thing on our side of the family. If I invited everyone I should've invited according to the traditions then we'd have had a huge wedding.

We were upfront and told both sets of parents that we were having a small wedding. In fairness both sets of parents were pretty ok about it but it took a while before they could get their head around the fact that we weren't towing the line in terms of wedding traditions.

In this day and age big, ostentatious weddings are bonkers and a total waste of money.

All I can advise is to explain your reasons very tactfullly but clearly to different family members and if they have any sense they will understand.

event

suzieled wrote: »

If your brother or sister has a child and when that child got married, they didnt invite your child to the wedding, how would you feel?

Thats the way I had to put it to my brother, when he couldnt understand why our parents were so upset we were not invited to our cousins wedding.

Anyway I am getting married soon and was asked by my parents was I going to invite cousins that didnt invite me to their weddings. As far as I am concerned, a wedding day is a very special day to be shared by family and friends so yes I will invite them.

I hope they had a great time and maybe feel a bit guilty about not inviting us. They had a lot at their wedding so it wasnt about numbers.

what if they hadnt seen each other in a few years, should they be invited then?

what if you hadnt met their partners, should you invite a stranger to your wedding?

bamboozle

thankfully i'm getting married abroad, one of the main reasons was to avoid the whole wedding politics.

my view is its your day, not your parents, not your fiancee's parents, you invite who you want and i'm sure you would be fully aware of your parents close friends who deserve to be invited.

this nonsense about inviting all your cousins though honourable is rubbish especially if you barely know them and rarely see them, sure they probably wouldnt even want to go.

and if someone gets their knickers in a knot over not being invited why would you worry as if they were not on the invite list they cant have been too close.

tfak85

OP reading our post is like something i could've posted myself!
we are having a small ceremony and a wedding lunch and the plan was originally just immediate family and a party the next day...now it has become immediate family and some friends and some extended family..
my side are fine, if i invited some to the meal and some just to the party they wouldn't mind, i'm from the younger generation of cousins and didn't go to any of their weddings! my OHs family are different, he wanted his god mother there (aunt) but if we invited her then we would have to invite the other aunt and well, if we invite those two how can we not include the others aswell!
he was trying to get a load of cousins that he's hardly heard from in years into the meal also but to be honest i've said no and his mum is backing me up on it... that's why we're having a party the next day, to do toasts and cake etc!
you do whatever you like, if they're not happy about your decision then maybe they just wont go and wont that be great, no tension to deal with on the day!

also, when the plan was just immediate family and then party my aunt said to me "oh, like your cousins wedding day, i remember that - it was awful"!!
don't mind them!

SueWho

I have loads of cousins and I want to invite them all- I can only do it by inviting them without their partners though- invites will go to the family home- inviting aunt, uncle and all their children as a family to the wedding. If people don't like it they can stay away- it's that or invite no cousins at all. That's where I drew my line but everyone has a different LINE and people should understand that.

Thumpette

I have about 40 first cousins (80 with partners and then of course their kids) i am close ish to about 3 of them- and not even particularly close with them.

On the night I got engaged one of my cousins texted me (i didnt have her number and god only knows how she got mine) saying she couldnt wait for a big family do.

I found this very presumptious- would barely speak if I passed this girl on the street. Anyway we have decided that the only cousins we are having are the young ones and babies, cos some of my aunties and uncles wouldnt come as their kids wouldnt stay with babysitters. We will then invite all the cousins who want to come to the afters...

In our case it is nothing to do with venue size- and im sure they will be well aware of it. We want it to be our day- we want to know and care about everyone there. My OH has never met most of my cousins- why would we want them at our day- they are strangers who happen to share a bit of DNA!

It's kinda sad cos there are a couple I would like to ask, but I think that would only cause more problems.

His side are all from the other end of the country- so he wont be asking any cousins.

You've got a great excuse with the small venue OP- use it!

intothewest

Thanks for all the comments. Suzieled...if my nieces or nephews decide not to invite my children to their day, then that is their 100% their prerogative. A wedding day is about the bride and groom...and if they want to go stand in the middle of a river for their wedding and then have bangers and mash as a reception with just 10 guests, then that's their choice for their day. Who they want to share that with is down to them aswell. Yes it's for family and friends, but for those you are close with..not those you are 'obligated' to invite. Not just because the five cousins ahead of you have done it. And anyway, as the balance of the cousins are getting an evening invite, aren't they getting to be part of it in some shape or form?? In my mind they get to miss the formal stuff and come in for the party, not to mention the cost. Bring back the evening invite I say!!

Even though I was well aware it existed, I just don't get this mentality of parents getting upset cos their kids weren't invited to a cousins wedding - have people no respect for the bride and grooms decisions? And is it not a tad insensitive/selfish to put that pressure (both emotional and financial) on a couple 'starting out'? I'd never speak harshly to my parents but I would put my foot down about something like this. Thankfully I won't have to because even though they are an older generation to my OH's, they seem to have a better understanding that it's our decision, our day.

Tfak85 - it's funny, cos my side are actually the older set of the two, and they are the ones that won't bat an eyelid at our plans. I've already heard through my cousin (as they were plugging her if I was making any 'shapes'!), that my aunts are expecting me to go off foreign if I do get hitched.

SueWho - it's a good idea...firstly if we did that then we're adding another 70+ to our day (which venue can't support anyway), plus it's already been tried and tested with them...didn't go down well!!!

I've already my back up about it too, cos I've been told by a few of his family members that are aware of our plans, that I won't be popular...let the battle commence!! Ah no, but I'm not gonna listen to gripping about it after we've done the decent thing and spoken to them.

intothewest

Thumpette - that's exactly why we are saying it straight away, and making sure we've the venue organised in advance of announcing anything...cos we'd defo get those presumptious comments aswell. If those start, then the whole thing will be more awkward than it needs to be.

suzieled

event wrote: »

what if they hadnt seen each other in a few years, should they be invited then?

what if you hadnt met their partners, should you invite a stranger to your wedding?

Normally for whatever reason if you dont get to see your relatives in a few years (living in another country etc) couisins normally only get to catch up at funerals. For me, its also nice to be able to meet up on happy occasions too.

If I havent met their partner, then what a great time to get to meet them. When else am I going to meet them.

All families treat their couisins different, i like to think of them as a close part of my family, but then again there is families out their who dont even want their siblings at the wedding, whatever suits the couple, sham though.

In relation to "afters", im not a fan of them. A wedding is about the church part. Also if your reception is a few hours drive away I wouldnt invite a person to just the afters, give them a fulll invite or none at all.

intothewest

suzieled wrote: »

In relation to "afters", im not a fan of them. A wedding is about the church part. Also if your reception is a few hours drive away I wouldnt invite a person to just the afters, give them a fulll invite or none at all.

Each to their own, but I really don't agree with this. Aswell as the venue we are not in a financial situation to invite that many people to the full day...is it not better to invite them to be some part of it than none at all?? I know that some will take exception to this, but are they really people we want there if they are going to be that petty about it.

toadfly

I'm not engaged but will be BM for my sister next summer.

I dont get why anyone would invite people that they arent close to (whether related or not) to their wedding.

I dont know my Dad's side of the family very well, most aunts/uncles I havent seen in 10 years but yet I would be expected to invite them to my wedding if I was getting married. Just helping my sis out orgainising her wedding is putting me off the idea of a "traditional" wedding even more.

OP do what you and your hubby to be want, enjoy your wedding as ye want it. Good luck.

The Big Red Button

suzieled wrote: »

If your brother or sister has a child and when that child got married, they didnt invite your child to the wedding, how would you feel?

OK, that sounds well and good in theory. However, even just on my mother's side of the family, there are approx. 30+ (at a guess) first cousins, in six families, aged from about 4 up to mid-30s. All of whom lived a few hundred km away from us when we were growing up. While I am now close to a few of them, I rarely speak to the majority on a regular basis. I've been invited to a couple of the older ones' weddings, but I really wouldn't feel in any way offended if I hadn't been - and neither would my mother. There has never been any rows or tension in the family - it's just that, the fact is, we don't know each other very well. Therefore I wouldn't expect them to automatically add an extra thirty heads onto their invite list - an extra sixty, if they were inviting partners - just because there's a blood tie there.

suzieled wrote: »

Anyway I am getting married soon and was asked by my parents was I going to invite cousins that didnt invite me to their weddings. As far as I am concerned, a wedding day is a very special day to be shared by family and friends so yes I will invite them.

I hope they had a great time and maybe feel a bit guilty about not inviting us. They had a lot at their wedding so it wasnt about numbers.

If that's the attitude you have towards it, they'd probably rather you didn't do them the "favour" of inviting them. They may have had a lot at their wedding, but it was probably made up of people that they actually liked and got on well with. Rather than inviting first cousins just for the sake of it.

Anyways OP, just stick to your original plans. And at least you can back yourself up using the fact that there's a set limit at your reception venue - they can't really argue with that. When people realise that it is a smaller wedding than what's usual in your families, I'm sure that they'll be understanding.

Good luck with it all!

Penny Dreadful

suzieled wrote: »

If your brother or sister has a child and when that child got married, they didnt invite your child to the wedding, how would you feel?

Thats the way I had to put it to my brother, when he couldnt understand why our parents were so upset we were not invited to our cousins wedding.

Anyway I am getting married soon and was asked by my parents was I going to invite cousins that didnt invite me to their weddings. As far as I am concerned, a wedding day is a very special day to be shared by family and friends so yes I will invite them.

I hope they had a great time and maybe feel a bit guilty about not inviting us. They had a lot at their wedding so it wasnt about numbers.

I'm from a big family, I had 53 first cousins many of whom are married and have children. One of the girls that I am closest to in age got married last year and didn't invite me and I couldn't have cared less.
Inviting all of your cousins simply because they are from the same gene pool as you is silly IMO. If you get on well with them then fine but if you don't see them for long periods of time why would you want people you really and truly don't know at your wedding? Inviting them to make them feel guilty about not inviting you to theirs is not a very nice thing to do.

mariebeth

To be honest, I think you've pretty much got it sorted with what ye should do, it sounds to me like it's a good idea to sit the aunts & uncles down and explain your choices with regards to the wedding and who is invited. Hope it goes well and that they take it better than you expect.