Expectations in Longterm Relationship

LegacyUser

Just looking for some people's opinions of expectations in a longterm relationship. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is normal or whether our relationship is in trouble/I'm going through a "is the grass greener" phase.

After a 6-7 year relationship, does your heart do a flip when you get a text or you see his name come up on the phone screen, do you get that tingly feeling when you kiss, do you look forward to getting home and getting naked etc?

I guess I've been starting to realise that I miss all of that. I don't know if its normal for that side of things to fade or is there something missing? We live together and we get on great but its not like when we first started going out or even when we first moved in together. For example, the only time we contact each other is when we need to ask something otherwise it waits till we get home. I was just looking through my phone - there's no "xxx" at the end of his texts anymore, the last text I got from him was over a month ago asking where the baked potatoes were cos he couldn't find them! He goes out with the lads at least twice a month - although we share the same group of friends I think its important that he doesn't have me glued to his side all the time - but I've created a rod for my own back cos now he only likes to go out when he's going out with them. When its a weekend that we are just together, he prefers to just sit and watch tv - like I'm not as much fun to drink with so why should he bother. Even when he did go out with the lads, he'd always send me a mushy/dirty text or two and then he'd be all over me when he got home but now I'm lucky if I get a peck on the cheek when he finally rolls into bed.

Kiera

You're going out with each other a long time so the honeymoon period is well over. If you feel like you're going through a boring patch then spice it up yourself and talk to him about it.

Its not going to change unless you change it yourself/together.

dudara

Ok - here's my perspective as someone who's been in a 10+ year relationship that's had its share of ups and downs

We still text/email/phone everyday. There isn't anybody else in the world that I would rather share things more with. However, if he even sent me a text with "xxx" at the end, I would probably brain him

The big thing is communication. You've got to work to constantly keep those channels of communication open. This might mean occasionally getting out of the house on a date night and putting yourselves in a situation where you have to talk to each other - i.e. go to the pub together once a week and just chat and hang out. When you're at home, the TV or chores will interfere.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

Ok - here's my perspective as someone who's been in a 10+ year relationship that's had its share of ups and downs

We still text/email/phone everyday. There isn't anybody else in the world that I would rather share things more with. However, if he even sent me a text with "xxx" at the end, I would probably brain him

The big thing is communication. You've got to work to constantly keep those channels of communication open. This might mean occasionally getting out of the house on a date night and putting yourselves in a situation where you have to talk to each other - i.e. go to the pub together once a week and just chat and hang out. When you're at home, the TV or chores will interfere.

We do communicate every day (talking when we get home or quick phone calls during the day) but its just all functional stuff but there's none of the "just ringing to say hi cos I was thinking about you" kind of stuff. Its more like "did you remember to put the bin out" or "the dog has diarrhoea again".

txt_mess

I would agree with a lot that Dudara has said it does require a bit of effort to keep the communication on both your parts.

Everyone has a level of expression that they are comfortable with I would say at the start you are trying a good bit beyond what you feel comfortable doing / saying but at the same time it can't disappear altogether further down the line.

I think you should mention it to him and say you know he loves you but you would appreciate it if he told you nothing major but the occasional love you would be enough.

He probably doesn't even realise you need more in his head he's probably just assuming your happy so a few pointers won't hurt.

Beruthiel

ltr sos wrote: »

After a 6-7 year relationship, does your heart do a flip when you get a text or you see his name come up on the phone screen

In all fairness, that is an unrealistic expectation and you will never be happy if you actually think that you can find a relationship where that still happens after X amount of years.
It is not possible for you to still get that feeling on a constant basis after 6 or 7 years.

When you meet someone and start going out, the heart flip thingie will happen, and continue for maybe 3 to 6 months.
IMO, it's after that phase is over that you truly know if you love someone or not.
If you still get on, like doing stuff together and start to deeply care for each other, then those are all good signs.
That only happens over time and is much more satisfying.

Long term relationships need to be worked on so you don't loose sight of each other. Nice dinners, weekends away, setting aside special times together. This is important when you see each other each day and can become complacent.
The grass is not greener over there. You just 'think' it is.
Stop expecting him to 'be' a certain way and start doing these things you want yourself. See where it leads.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

In all fairness, that is an unrealistic expectation and you will never be happy if you actually think that you can find a relationship where that still happens after X amount of years.
It is not possible for you to still get that feeling on a constant basis after 6 or 7 years.

When you meet someone and start going out, the heart flip thingie will happen, and continue for maybe 3 to 6 months.
IMO, it's after that phase is over that you truly know if you love someone or not.
If you still get on, like doing stuff together and start to deeply care for each other, then those are all good signs.
That only happens over time and is much more satisfying.

Long term relationships need to be worked on so you don't loose sight of each other. Nice dinners, weekends away, setting aside special times together. This is important when you see each other each day and can become complacent.
The grass is not greener over there. You just 'think' it is.
Stop expecting him to 'be' a certain way and start doing these things you want yourself. See where it leads.

Yeah I guess I kind of knew that and just needed to hear someone say it.

We first went out for a year (had the butterflies etc), then he went travelling for a year and we got back together (kind of like starting the relationship again so all the butterflies etc), then after two years we moved in together which was all really exciting. I guess we need to kick things up a notch and make being together exciting again.

Thanks for everyone's advice. I guess we need to have a chat and find some ways to get the romance going again!

dudara

The question is not if you get a little flip, but more if you still smile when you see he's ringing or you look forward to talking to him.

Make some time for silliness in your relationship - not talking about the dog's digestion issues.

helimachoptor

As cliched as it sounds it requires work. You need to make an effort (as does he) suggest going for dinner somewhere and then to a pub.

suggest rounding the gang up for a session, dress up for the night and i'm sure he wont be going straight to sleep when you get home!

Miss Fluff

+1 to a lot of the posts above. You have to really work at a long-term relationship. You may not get the ifIdon'thaveyourighthererightnowI'mgoingtocombust feeling as often but imho opinion, and contrary to a lot of the above, you CAN reignite it. Not on the same scale maybe but you can really inject some primal lust and naughtiness and fun back into the relationship. I liken it to being like Madonna. Constantly reinventing yourself, evolving with the relationship and putting the hard slog in too.

Vary where and when you have sex. You make sure to go out with YOUR friends and have a life that is separate to both of your as a unit as well. And maybe avoid talking too much about the dogs bowel movements. Send him a text that he cannot WAIT to read, suggesting what you're going to do as soon as he walks home from work. Or a sex treasure hunt;) You get my drift. Romance and downright filth are so so important but take work!

It's only if you really can't be ar$ed making an effort and putting some elbow-grease into the relationship that you should question it.