Boundaries

LegacyUser

Hi guys, going unreg for this just to retain dignity through anonymity. Bit of background info - ended a long term relationship over a year and a half ago now. It was, as is to be expected, a difficult time. We had been living together and there was all the usual heartache that comes with having to move belongings etc. One of the primary reason for the breakup from my point of view was my ex's lack of ability to be there for me during what was a tough year for my family. I didn't see the point of being with someone who was I was unable to trust or turn to during this. We were also at very different points in our lives and it became clear that it wasn't working for either of us despite a mutual respect and no lack of caring. Fast forward to today and I am happily with my current partner over a year. He is wonderful to me and for me. We support each other in every aspect of our lives and I love him to bits!

Recently my best friend returned from travelling having been away for the breakdown of my previous relationship (although she did her best to be there as much as possible from the other side of the world) and the development of the new one. Today I received an email from my ex saying that this friend had contacted him and wished to meet up for a pint, he didn't know what to do as we had been both careful to keep a healthy distance from each other and didn't want to overstep that boundary. While I appreciated the intent of the email I feel that my friend had put me in an awkward position. I have been very careful to move away from that person and that time in my life and I don't want to be put in a situation where I am going in to a party/pub worried about bumping in to someone I don't want to see. They weren't pals before I had gone out with him and rarely if ever hung out independently of myself so I couldn't see why she couldn't just leave it be. When I asked her about it (I didn't get annoyed I just put it to her that I was confused to be receiving this mail out of the blue) she responded that she had seen him a lot before she left and didn't see why it would be such a big deal, that's why she hadn't mentioned it herself. I just said that I had seen him a lot before she left also but that life had moved on in her absence. Anyway I let her know that I was hurt but that it was entirely up to her what she wanted to do, it's not my place to dictate her friendships.

I guess I just don't know if I've been overly harsh or controlling here, I guess the mail took me by surprise and I've been very careful to separate myself from the group of friends that went with that relationship because I've been through the shared friends (in particular with this friend) after previous relationships before (very difficult and stressful and finally a non-issue after many years). I just don't want to be in that place again, it seems unnecessary and immature to me. Anyway all thoughts appreciated :-)

Elle Collins

Are you sure she's not looking to get the leg-over? Sounds a bit sussy to me that she'd think it not worth mentioning! That's the sort of thing I'd run by a friend before I did it, which I most likely wouldn't do anyway.

Kimia

yes - it sounds like she was going to make a move OP! How would you feel about that? If it was me I would be annoyed that my friend did'n't tell me. Something strange going on there and fair play to your ex for keeping you in the loop!

Tmeos

I dont agree that she was necessarily trying to come one to him, she may just be one of those people who likes to keep in touch with people from their past. Also since she has been away maybe she is just a bit lost and looking to meet up with people she was close to before she left. To be honest it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, it's not like she was trying to get you all to meet up. Just keep doing your own thing and if they want to keep in touch then thats very little to do with you really.

Cheap Thrills!

Yeh, her behaviour is inappropriate and you were right to question it. Her answer was lame too.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses folks. Yeah Sunflower I think I would feel very different about it they had been friends before, but they weren't (I have had this scenario with the same friend befor and acted accordingly). I just didn't like being put in a position of having my space invaded - that might sound strange but it felt that way!

Her response to the whole thing was weak at best. She said she had assumed it wouldn't be an issue and she was more looking to hang out with his group of friends cause they were fun to flirt with and she liked hanging out in his apartment with himself and his flatmate. In fairness to her I definitely don't think she was looking for a leg over - not with the ex anyway!