I just don't know what to do with myself!

LegacyUser

I'm female, mid-twenties, professional trainee and a hard worker. I love what I do but sometimes feel I am too sensible.

I am always very tough on myself in every way! I always come across as shy although I do feel more comfortable once I get to know ppl and I am quite strong minded and have my own opinions. I have a very quiet, high pitched voice and it really bothers me. I am also quite petite and I also look younger than I am, so find it hard to have presence in a room.

I am very sensitive but feel I can handle the truth.

I am also quite modest, but I know I do get male attention. I could never accept compliments and still find it difficult, but I have learned to 'pretend' to accept them. I get told I've a perfect figure, but still cant help thinking I'm fat and hating my weight.

I try to be rational and always think of other ppl, but realise that its not always possible.

There was always a big deal made about me not wanting to go to the shop across the road and not wanting to talk to ppl. It started when I was about 7, because a group of (fairly rough) boys used to always shout things at me. I just find it hard to deal with attention.

My "boyfriend" that I was with for nearly 3 years moved abroad for work in November. He wanted to break up as he was going so far away, which I do understand but I would have been willing to stay together. I have not been nor do I have an interest in being with anyone else. He still rings every week for about 3 hours and the odd email/txt. I find it really realy tough without him! We have talked about seeing each other over the next few months and getting back together when he comes home.

My (real) brother also moved abroad in Feb last year for work. We used to talk a bit and it really helped having him around sometimes.

I went to counselling at the beginning of the year as I was finding it very difficult to sleep thinking about my life, couldnt sleep and was constantly crying. I found it helpful but also quite tough. I felt a relief after the very first session but found it increasingly difficult after that. I would cry non-stop when I was talking to her and then build myself up until I seen her again, and it would only hit me when she would ask me qsts about the things I've told her.

I live at home with my mum and her husband ("my dad"). My mum remarried when I was about 3. I was born abroad and my mom left my real dad as a result of domestic violence when I was less than a year old. I have an older brother (1 yr older).

Anyway, this topic is very rarely spoken about. I recall about 3 occassions where we were sat down (once by my "dad" only) and told 'your real dad abused your mother, she has scars from it. Christmas time is family time, he hasnt asked but what would you do if your real dad wanted to see you?' Anyway, it was always a big deal and generally 'You wouldnt want to do that now, would you? but you can if you want' and that would be it.' So, 20 years later and still nothing.

I would say I dont get on very well with my "dad", we have quite difference personalties and there have been a no. of incidents which have made things quite difficult.

My mum had 2 more children, my "sister" and "brother". My "sister" is 4 years younger than me and we really dont get along. Ppl would always say, you'll get on better when your older, but its getting worse. We are nearly complete opposites. She tries hard to 'be cool' and to fit in, she smokes, she doesnt have much common sense/not very street wise, she is very ditsy, messy, doesn't really care about anyone else, very confident (although in some ways false) loud, loves attention, careless etc.

She has always been very jealous of everything I do, in a nasty way and she never shows any respect towards me. She has no problem in taking anything belonging to me and being blatant about it. She takes new clothes, shoes, she will even take my knickers and leave them dirty on the floor. She took prescription glasses (worth 250) from my room, out of the case, which we missing from months and which I spotted in her bag left open in the hall and still tries to say she didnt touch them; the lens were scratched and the rubber rest was missing. The last contact we had was when she said I was dead to her. She came into my room a few weeks ago pushing up against me while I was standing still saying, 'go on, hit me, make a mark, go on', and then saying 'go cry to your mommy, cos your mommy doesnt care.' for no apparent reason and then a few hrs later, asking my mum to give her a lift in my car. She had texted a few days earlier saying that I was a horrible person and to enjoy lonliness.

Last year, things were a bit heated and I made a comment about her smoking, when my "dad" draggeed me off the chair and threw me into another room , face down. (He is 6 4"). My hand was cut and my knees were bruised. He said he would not apologise and that he would do it again just as quick and I could get out of the house if I didnt like it. My younger cousins (9 and 12) were in the room at the time, so he brought them home and my mom went with him. There have been numerous other violent outbreaks, inc smashing windows in someone elses, car, and also threats to kill, whilst intoxicated (also involving gardai being called). I went to my boyf's for the night, and when I came home the next day, my mom said I cant live like this, we all have to sit down and talk, and that was the end of that.

My mum suffers from a few illnesses, which I find really hard to deal with. I want to be there for her but I feel like she doesnt need me.

Over the last 2 years, my mum and "dad" have fallen out with nearly all of their relations apart from one of my mums sisters. He hasnt worked in about 4 years and is on SW. I feel like they are quite bitter towards everyone, and everything. They rarely leave the house and nothing changes. He thinks its great, that he's at home to look after her, even though he doesnt do much, but still makes it out that he's so worried that when he dies noone will be there to look after her.

I usually take the stance, if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all. I learned from the counsellor that sometimes silence is worse than not saying anything, but now I feel like I have really lost my voice.

I feel as though I have to conform with 'the family' if I want any sort of relationship with my mum, as anytime I try and talk to her, its like an open discussion for everyone. We dont talk much because she does literally everything with my "dad", even going from one room to another. If I come into the room, (the tv is always very loud) they mute it. They analyse everything about everyone, and I hear them sometimes talking about me. They have formed theur opinions about me before I say anything. It doesnt take the form of a conversation, its more like an interrogation with their analysis to follow.

I find it tougher to keep friends as I get older also. I have a best friend and another very close friend, although they both spend most weekends with their partners. I have a few male friends that I would go out with too. A few friends have moved abroad and others have just moved on. I feel like I am too serious and am not enjoying life as much as I should be. I am very loyal and would always go out of my way to help ppl. I have done charity work abroad and at home and really enjoying helping ppl and making a difference.

Some of the most painful words the counsellor said was, 'you lost your dad, it seems like you lost your mum when she remarried, and now your brother and boyfriend are gone.'

I just dont know how to be a better person, or what to do. I know my problems are minute compared to others, but I just dont know why I cant make the most of it. I feel quite lonely, and dont have many ppl around me.

There are more incidents, but I feel this post has gone on for long enough. I would NOT be living at home if I could afford not to; I had to pay > 10,000 in fees in Sept and another 6,000 next yr and I am not being paid a salary.

Any thoughts appreciated....

Kanoe

Hi, obviously it's tough being in a situation you feel you have no control over..and then there are things that you can do to help yourself. talking to your counsellor is a great first step and sometimes it does bring a lot of stuff to the surface, its like clearing out to make space so we can move into new territory. Continue with your own personal development, and try to remember, its not your mam or dad you're doing it for, its for you. best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply! Any words of encouragement are helpful! Ye, that's what I was told, I can't change anyone else, I just have to work on making myself happy! Thanks again!