Difficult relationship with colleague

LegacyUser

Ok so I have a slight issue with where I work at the moment because of a friendship with a considerably older colleague. We have worked together for 2 years, and for the first got on very well in a relaxed working environment, however recently he has told me that he has developed feelings for me and it has made things incomfortable and awkward on my part at least.

I do not want to ruin a working relationship, however I feel like any former friendship has been destroyed because of his unprofessional advances towards me. I do not wish to report him for harrassment as it is a small company, he is a (now former) friend and it would inevitably (i am fairly sure) get him fired. I also hate drama/scandal.

While it may seem like I am over-reacting, it is constant daily advances/joking (for example, I bent down to tie my shoe-lace and he pretended to undo his belt) and comments about my looks/relationship/personal life. As we are/were friends it seems he thinks it is okay to do this and he dismisses it as having a laugh when I say it makes me uncomfortable. When I do say to him that it sincerely bothers me and could he stop, he gets moody and makes our working relationship difficult, so it sometimes seems easier to just ignore it.

I am not sure what to do from here. Any suggestions?

Kimia

Jesus you poor thing - that sounds like a terribly uncomfortable situation! And he gets moody when you express this?

I don't think you have any other choice other than to report him and start taking notes on his behaviour. I'm sorry to say he really has overstepped the line. I know you don't want to get him into too much trouble but think of it this way - what if you left and moved on and a younger, more naive girl started. What if he did the same to her and she didn't have your strength and presence of mind to know that it isn't the right way to behave in a working situation?

Well done for even posting this - it's the first step towards askin for help. Talk to a manager and get their advice, please. xx

Miss Fluff

You poor thing. People like that anger me so much. Either keep a log and show it to him after a week or so telling him if he DARES make one more inappropriate remark you will report him. Or just threaten to report him now. I think you would be better to gather some evidence first though as I think by merely threatening to report him he could make your life quite difficult for you. Have you a good relationship with your immediate boss? Or do you have a sympathetic female on your team you can air your grievance to? I'd be inclined to tell someone now even if you don't want to lodge an official complaint just yet. This guy is actually bullying you so I'd be inclined to tell someone about it sooner rather than later.

newtoboards

Get a diary and start keeping a record of date/time of everything you do with this guy from normal work duties to the incidents along with who was there (if there was anyone there other than you and the guys). Try to record everything in the diary and do so dispassionatly if you can. When ready you should then report him to your manager and the hr manager and bring the diary with you. He's using the friendship he built up with you to put you in this exact position. The only way to stop him is to report him.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your responses!

Im pretty sure that other colleagues will have noticed his behaviour-he isnt particularly discreet. I remember at a work night out last year that people were insinuating that we were having an affair! I hadnt noticed anything untoward at this point and he then came to me a few weeks later after I was laughing about the insinuations saying how insane it was, and told me how he felt. At first I felt sorry for him, and rather embarrassed as I realised me being friendly was obviously taken up in an entirely different way than I had intended! Being such an age gap I didnt think there was any risk of crossover, I had noticed him being protective over me but I read it in a father-figure way as opposed to anything sexual!!

So after realising my naivity, I decided to tell him that it was never ever going to happen and that I viewed him as a friend. I think he thought that because there was a considerable age-gap between my parents that there was a chance or something, I dont know but i have questioned every conversation we have had and really do not think I gave any misleading signals. If he was down Id give him a hug, but so would other workmates and I would do the same to the females in my job. Needless to say I have distanced myself a fair bit now! I was genuinely shocked as his youngest daughter is 4 years older than me.

I really do not want to report it, although it is what my boyfriend also suggests. I have told him about the recent incidents, although i think you are right about starting to make official notes of them. It just makes it so much more difficult considering i genuinely viewed him as a friend before all this. Also it being a very small company, and the fact that I dont find my boss approachable means I am really confused about how to handle this.

Approaching him about this directly hasnt worked and just seems to make the work atmosphere tense. I have also noticed him attempting to stir trouble with my current relationship of 5 years, by constant negative remarks and accusations about him, despite them having no basis. I feel like I am dealing with teenage infatuation rather than a work colleague

Sorry for the long posts!!

parker larkin

all of the above

and rem, if he really cared about you he wouldn't do anything to make you uncomfortable on purpose. Good luck!