Difficulty at work

LegacyUser

Hi everyone.
I'm a fairly recent college graduate. Due to the recession however I haven't been able to get a job in my chosen profession and am therefore working full time in an unskilled position.
Not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm delighted to have a job at all.

The problem is, I am a 24 year old female. My job (I rather not disclose the job itself) involves working mostly with males. And my supervisor/boss is a male.

When I started the job, you know I'm a girl, around lot's of guys, I sort of kept to myself a little, and this seemed to be fine - for the first while.
Now after a little while, I started to get more comfortable around my colleagues and sort of made an effort to be more friendly and whatnot.

As I said, I'm pretty young and haven't had to much life experience as a whole - so maybe I'm just being purely naive here.
My friendliness seems to be interpreted by some of the guys as flirting - or at least it must be given their attitude.
Personally, I don't think it is at all - I just say hello in the mornings and if there's a conversation I try appear friendly and join in.

Also a bigger problem is my boss. He's quite a nice guy but I don't look at him in that way in the least.
Not to mention, he also has a wife and kids.
But today for example - maybe it's just my attitude is too "open" or something, but he was spending alot of time around me while I was working and tried to initiate flirting on several occasions, as well as distinctly getting in my space on one occasion.

Also, however I'm coming across, when they're in a group, some of the guys seem to taunt me slightly sometimes since I've started being more friendly - I know they find me attractive a little, the reason for their taunts I don't know - and it's slightly upsetting.
I can honestly say I don't think I do anything to lead them on or encourage this is any way - I'm just trying to be friendly and not come across as distant or arrogant - perhaps my lack of defensiveness is being interpreted as an "opening" by them or something?

Anyway, I'm sure there are plenty reading that think I'm just some naive little girl who has too high and opinion of herself.
That's honestly not the case. I'm simply trying to fit in at my place of work, be able to get on there without being regarded as "up herself" or without getting taunted and have uncomfortable and unwanted passes being made on me.
Yes I'm willing to accept I'm quite naive.

I'm not sure I'm even looking for advice but just to relate the story to someone and possibly anyone who feels they had similar experiences and how they dealt with it or just their opinion or anything they feel that might help.
Many thanks.

Reflector

Hi OP,
Hopefully you'll get some girls opinions here who are in the same boat. In any case I know that when there is a gender imbalance the minority gender can have it tough.
It sounds like now that you are starting to come out of your shell they are interacting with you more.
I know that lads will taunt eachother a lot and it is their way of including you. obviously there is a line between friendly slagging and bullying but you have to consider where that line lies for you. try and take it on the chin and taunt back. Any group of lads will probably interact in a similar way.

Fremen

At any rate, don't let the taunting get to you. That's just how many guys communicate, especially in a male-dominated environment. It's quite possible they're trying to be friendly, and that's their way of showing you you're one of the group.

LegacyUser

Just as regards the taunting.
It's definitely not being used as a method to include me or anything.
Effectively whats happening is a comment will pass among them in the group based around me, while I'm in earshot, they will laugh at it among themselves - at my expense effectively.

There's no doubt it's intended to be demeaning, in my opinion.
It certainly doesn't leave any room for a friendly retort or anything.

It's quite embarrassing to relate this as I've always sort of looked on myself as independent and felt I could look out for myself quite well but I just feel totally vulnerable in this situation and it upsets me as I'm a fairly quiet and sensitive person by nature.

Acoshla

Hiya,

I'm a 25 year old girl and in my last job I worked alone with a man twice my age. It was along the same lines as what you're experiencing. He was married with kids and would make comments that made it very clear he thought I was attractive, he often joked about us having an affair and would say some wildly inappropriate things, it was so uncomfortable, I hated it.

Don't put up with it, ignore them if you can but if they annoy, offend or upset you let them know you don't appreciate it, they should know better than to make inappropriate remarks. I would talk to my boss the same way I would to any of my uncles his age but somehow he still thought it was ok to make flirty remarks.

I'm also independent and not naive or anything, can look after myself, and would normally banter with the best of them, but when it's a boss or coworker and they make you squirm with those comments and behaviour don't take it.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,
I know a few posts have said that whats going on is just the lads way of including you. But im not so sure about that. I mean its easy for somebody else whos not in your situation to say that its harmless teasing or whatever. As a rule of thumb, when teasing is harmless and good natured you'll feel good, not bad. So trust the way you feel and dont let anybody tell you that its just joking around or whatever.
I know you want to be easy going about things and not cause hassle but sometimes people will take a mile when you give them an inch. They'll cross boundaries that they shouldnt. Especially lads. Im a man myself and ive seen it happen quite a lot with men and women, especially when the lads outnumber the girls. It starts with a sly sexist remark and if you let them away with that then they'll push it further and then further. Thats how groups of lads can get. I mean on an individual basis theyre probably decent fellas, but once lads get into a pack then pack mentality takes over and inappropriate, offensive amd sexist remarks are the order of the day.
From what you said in your post Op, it sounds like this group are pushing their luck. You were maybe too easy going to begin with. And im not saying its your fault, its absolutley not, you were just a little naive. You dropped your guard a bit and some idiots took advantage.
Whats the solution? Its a tricky sitaution, you say your boss is trying it on with you so obviously he's not the one to go to. I think your best option is to get the guy in this group who you think has the most sense or is the most mature, on his own and tell him out straight that your not happy with whats going on and ask hm could he make sure it doesnt happen again.
I have personal experience of this type of thing. I worked in a place where it was me, a few other lads and this girl. The lads gradually pushed and made inapropriate comments, sexist remarks etc. Generally making this girls life hell. I didnt join in but I also didnt cop on what was happening. This girl came to me and asked me to tell the lads to leave her alone. I was shocked at how upset she was because she put on a brave front. To the whole world it seemed like she didnt mnd the banter, even enjoyed it. But like I said, it was a brave front, she didnt want to be seen as humorless or difficult. So I got the lads together and I told them it had to stop. And it did.
So hopefully this will work for you OP if you decide to go down that road. All the best

LegacyUser

Hiya,

Sorry to hear you're having troubles. I'm 28, and had some issues similar to those you've described some years ago when I started working in a retail environment.

You dont say how old the guys in question are, but Id hazard a guess from their described actions that they're around the same age as you or even a little younger, and maturity doesnt seem to be a strong point.

I was lucky in that amongst my colleagues when I had my problems was a guy who was a bit older than the rest of the ones who were giving me grief, and one night when going home at the same time as him, I just broke down and told him what was bothering me. He said he'd noticed, but had never intervened because I looked like I wasn't bothered by the attention (to be fair, I guess I did play along with it as it was happening, even though it was killing me inside. I guess Im a better actress than I thought) and he didnt want to be seen as interfering, but he said now he'd do something.
He wasn't my boss or anything, just a co-worker who I got on well with because he was a bit more mature than the rest of the "lads".

In a matter of days the problem had ended, and the atmosphere changed, and I began to feel respected and like I actually belonged there.

I hope you're lucky enough to have someone like that there for you. I do think (although, like I say, you havent clarified their ages) that it's simply a maturity problem, and if it's put to them by someone they respect or one of their peers, your circumstances may change.

So like the previous poster says, since approaching your boss is a non starter, just approach the most mature person there (outside of work if you have to) and ask them for help.

As for your boss, If you feel that genuine inappropriate gestures have been made, you will have to act. You should make note of each occurrence in a private diary, just in case, but one way or the other, You're going to have to make it clear that you're not comfortable with any invasion of your personal space (in general, not just by him. Make it conversational at first, as if referring to a previous incident relating to someone else. he should get the hint). You dont have to be rude, just firm.

LegacyUser

Op, I'm a 27 yr old girl working on a building site the last 4 years.

Draw a very firm line in the sand, so to speak. Jokes are one thing, but make it very clear to them what's acceptable and what's not. Do you have a boyfriend?? If not, and you feel it would help your situation, tell them you have someone/have just found someone, if it comes up. I have found several times that I meet a guy on site, get the impression that he's interested and trying to flirt and the minute I mention my boyfriend it changes. Not in a bad way. But you become unavailable (kind of) and they perceive you differently.

As for your boss...again, a very firm line. Move away if he's in your space. I find, polite is better than friendly. I don't mean rude, but more just to be careful around him.Have a laugh alright...stop if it crosses a line you're uncomfortable with and leave the conversation if possible.Make it clear you're an employee and nothing else. You have to create the boundaries here, because you are in the minority, and (I'm sorry lads!) when it's all men like that, they can revert to the idiot stage a good bit and cross lines a lot.

And sometimes OP, you have to just develop a long-distance stare and pretend not to hear what's being said!!Ignoring some of the stuff isn't rude, it's just self-preservation....your mind does NOT want to hear some of that stuff!

I'm not saying set yourself apart or anything. I'm saying (and I know it's a difficult balancing act), have a laugh with them, give a few smart answers but keep it very clear what's acceptable and not. I'm a very friendly person myself, wouldn't fight with a fly but am quite shy in a lot of ways, but I've learned in recent years to stand up for myself. There are times I've been called "sweetheart" or "love" and I've had to learn to say "don't call me that" in a certain tone of voice...then continue the conversation as normal. It has actually always worked.I'm there to do a job, I've as much right to be there as they do, and I do my best..all I ask is a level of respect, which I now find I get.I don't try to keep up with the guys, I'll ask for help lifting things if I need a hand...I treat people as I expect to be treated.

And a word of advice..I'm not sure what you do all day, or how you dress, but the....well, the less clothes you have on, the less respect you'll get. And by that I mean if you're hanging out of your tops or anything, you're liable to make your situation worse (sorry I know it sound ridiculous, but it's true, I've seen it firsthand!). You don't need to cover every last inch of yourself, but within reason!!!!!

Best of luck, hope I've been a bit helpful. I know it can be very tough being the only girl, but in many ways it's not the worst situation to be in.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, thanks for the replies.
Just after a couple more days work what I'm finding is simply to keep those who are bothering me at a little more distance.

My boss especially. His attitude toward me has become a little more cool but compared to what it was like this is a relief and I hope it continues until it gets to a stage that were both comfortable at.
I can't help but feel he thought of me as his pet or something. I guess just cause I came across as so meek or something in his presence - but now, just maintaining a little more distance, maybe I come across as stronger or something so hopefully that way that he looks on me will change and we can form a proper working relationship.

I guess I sort of brought it on myself, being so naive and all - just allowing myself to be so open with people - I guess as a person you have to show your strength of character through independence?

I dunno, but whatever the case, I notice a slight improvement so hopefully it will continue in this vain and I will continue to learn and become a bit less naive (I feel I shouldn't be let out sometimes!)

Many thanks for all your replies xx