Important friendship

LegacyUser

So a very good friend of mine who lives far away was in town last month and called me up to go out for dinner. He and I had a very strong friendship and did date for awhile but not seriously. It was one of those things were we both had feelings for each other on and off for years but life got in the way and the feelings weren't quite strong enough for us to make it work. He moved away from Ireland a few years back and we tried the long-distance thing for a bit then went back to friendship again.

He was married a couple years ago, I have met his wife and went to the wedding. I don't know her well due to the distance. After he was married I contacted him less and kept the emails fairly superficial out of respect for their marriage. Over the last year we have barely been in touch at all other than the odd Facebook hello.

So he was in town on business and we went for dinner. It was great to catch up and see him. The thing is the chemistry was still there...and there was a real spark between us. Neither of us said anything about it and it was a little awkward given he is married and his wife wasn't there. We spent about 3-4 hours over dinner then parted ways. I emailed him after to say thanks and good to see you and he emailed back same but probably better not to do that again. I've sent him a couple brief light messages (as I normally would have before) and no response.

I have no idea what is going on...if he told his wife and she got upset we had gone for dinner? or if he just thinks its best to not be in touch because feelings are still there?

Not sure what next..don't want to lose this long time friendship but also don't want to pester him or cause any issues in his marriage. His wife has nothing to be worried about...we knew each other for years when single and if we were meant to be together we would have stayed together back then. Also neither he or I would ever cheat or disrespect her.

Any ideas on how to proceed and keep the friendship alive? Wait a bit and contact him or wait and see if he contacts me? Would you be upset if your spouse went to dinner with an old friend...even if there were feelings at one time...knowing nothing would ever happen?

Miss Fluff

Sounds to me like he felt one or both of your crossed a line over dinner. Maybe your conversation become overly flirty or familiar which is a dynamic he is no longer happy with now that he is married. You have to respect his wishes. You say that both of you would never do anything about the chemistry but perhaps he may have more difficulty then you, recognises that, and is cutting off the bloody supply now. Leave him be. He may just want to keep in touch with the odd email etc but a cosy dinner for two sounds like it was a little too much for the guy.

Chinafoot

Old Friends wrote: »

Over the last year we have barely been in touch at all other than the odd Facebook hello.

Ok, without wanting to sound harsh, yourself and this guy haven't been very good friends for a while. Very good friends aren't barely in touch for a year with the exception of the odd facebook hello. I'm not dismissing your attachment to this guy but I think you need to be realistic. I have a similar friendship with a fella I have known all my life. We liked each other at different times, never fully got together and then drifted apart. But there is always something there. Some little spark of attraction and closeness. However, I'd be kidding myself if I said we are still very good friends. We have a history and when we talk it's like we've seen each other all the time, but I don't know the ins and outs of his life like I used to, and the same for him. We were best friends and we have a strong connection, but we're realistic enough to know we have drifted apart over the years.

Old Friends wrote: »

So he was in town on business and we went for dinner. It was great to catch up and see him. The thing is the chemistry was still there...and there was a real spark between us. Neither of us said anything about it and it was a little awkward given he is married and his wife wasn't there. We spent about 3-4 hours over dinner then parted ways. I emailed him after to say thanks and good to see you and he emailed back same but probably better not to do that again. I've sent him a couple brief light messages (as I normally would have before) and no response.

You clearly still have some chemistry. Again, I fully understand. Myself and my friend met up over a year ago and there was something there. We are both attached and we made the decision that we probably shouldn't meet up again for a while. Thats not to say anything happened, it didn't, but we both recognised that there is still something there between us and we'd be foolish to put purselves in a position where either one could be vulnerable. It sounds like your friend has recognised that the spark you felt is still there and although he loves his wife you and him will always have some sort of connection. He's doing the sensible thing and respecting his marriage. My advice would be to accept his decision and acknowledge your relationship for what it is. He is someone from your past that you have a strong connection to, and who you used to be extrememly close to. Thats all it is.

Old Friends wrote: »

I have no idea what is going on...if he told his wife and she got upset we had gone for dinner? or if he just thinks its best to not be in touch because feelings are still there?

I would safely assume the latter.

Old Friends wrote: »

Not sure what next..don't want to lose this long time friendship but also don't want to pester him or cause any issues in his marriage. His wife has nothing to be worried about...we knew each other for years when single and if we were meant to be together we would have stayed together back then. Also neither he or I would ever cheat or disrespect her.

Any ideas on how to proceed and keep the friendship alive? Wait a bit and contact him or wait and see if he contacts me? Would you be upset if your spouse went to dinner with an old friend...even if there were feelings at one time...knowing nothing would ever happen?

I don't think this is about his wife being upset. I would say it's down to the fact that he felt the spark between you and may even have been tempted, even just for a second, and realised his marriage is far too important for him to put himself back in that position. Again, I think you need to be honest with yourself about this friendship. You aren't that close anymore. Now, I'm not saying you should stop contacting him or anything like that. I'm simply saying that it might be easier to accept his decision not to meet up again if you accept that you are not losing anything that wasn't already gone. You have contacted him with no reply so I would suggest leaving him alone and he'll contact you if he wants to.

Myself and my friend still text and ring each other the odd time and its fine. We haven't met up since that night and I don't know if we will but I'm taking it as it comes. I hope it works out for you.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I don't think you need to do anything, seems like you're good enough friends and fond enough of each other that no matter how much time is spent apart the basic friendship dynamic will always be there.

Trying to actively "keep the friendship alive" will probably come across as you wanting more and would either lead to the end of your friendship at best and the end of his marriage at worst. Be happy with what you have.

yermandan

I'd echo the sentiments of the above OP. I think its clear that he realises that his marraige comes before you and that to pursue anything closer that what you two have right now would put him in an uncomfortable position.

I think this is very clear. As Chinafoot says, take each day as it comes, knowing that you still have a friend to call on if needed, but not regularly and not over dinner with just the two of you!

Are you sure you dont want more from this by the way? That might be worth exploring for yourself!

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for the input. There was definitely nothing inappropriate or flirtatious said or done over dinner, although it was familiar. Even though I hadn't had much contact in a year, the conversation flowed over dinner just like old times. Back in years past when we were close, we shared a lot and knew the ins and outs of each other's lives, and we just 'get' each other, probably from having been friends from 12+ years.

I agree the friendship isn't close now at all, when he got married, it didn't feel right to still share a lot between us that his wife wasn't privy to so it changed to just light - what's up? how's work? type stuff. I also agree his marriage is far more important than our friendship. I guess seeing him again and having a great chat made me miss those chats and the friendship we had...I am not looking for anything more. He knows me very well so he is an easy person to bounce things / ideas off of.

Anyways, will just leave things be for awhile and I imagine it will sort itself out and go back to a hey what's up? conversation now and then.

greenprincess

I think he doesnt want to do anything to upset his wife or marriage, and rightly so. So when he felt the spark with you again he is decided to do what a decent married man should do which is to avoid contact with you. It may not be a permenant situation but you have to respect his priorities.