How Do I Make Myself Get Out?

LegacyUser

Story is this. We've been going out nearly a year with a couple breaks in between, and at the beginning it moved pretty fast. He's a couple years younger than me, no significant difference for the most part but it's one of those "transitional ages" where a couple years could make all the difference. Particularly as we've had very different life experiences (he's had a mostly "perfect life," I've had one you read about in misery lit; he's also Eastern European BUT has lived in Ireland throughout most of his preteens/teens/til now) I'd wager a lot of this is due to a maturity gap. On whose part, though, is probably debatable.

Anyway, it's been a rollercoaster. Last six months or so he hasn't had a clue where he stands. It was off-on-off-on ("I love you, I'm not in love with you, I need to see how I feel, I want space," etc.) til I finally just said bugger it, stopped trying, and gave him all the space he could ever dream of. We were off for a month, maybe a month and a half. Then I got the "I want to try again" bs. So I gave him a bollocking. A helluva bollocking. Over the course of a few weeks. A sort of World War III-scale "shít test," I guess; fire as much as I possibly can at him and if he backs off, great, it was to be expected, if he doesn't, then maybe he really does want to try again this time. Sure, he was never the type for arguments, normally his tactic corresponds with the flight response. So he lived through it. Came out the other side. Still wanted to try. I read into that a lot more than I probably should.

We've been back living together for about a month, I guess, and it's just how it used to be. Little to no sex, no physical interest, doesn't pay attention when I'm talking, will voice appreciation for pretty much any hot girl who isn't me, doesn't listen when I say I'm having problems, expects me to be the one to do all the changing to suit him. Thing is, he's not saying he's unhappy. He just has excuses for everything.
Little to no sex = "no sex drive," "you don't initiate enough," "I don't like kissing," "I'm too tired." The no sex drive thing? Unlikely, it was fine before. Whenever I do initiate, he pushes me away then brings up another excuse. He doesn't like kissing so that's that method out, and foreplay's out of the question. Tired? Possibly, but I'm not sure how tired one could be from playing Call of Duty all day. Worst part is, I'm always available whenever he does decide he wants some, I always make sure he gets his end, any way he wants, and then I'm left completely unsatisfied after he's got it. And the favour is never paid back.

No physical interest = this one is particularly interesting to me. He complained recently that he never gets to see me naked, so I've made a point of not always getting dressed when I come out of the shower or get out of bed. He doesn't even look away from the computer. What's the point in me doing that, then?! I hid because I was self-conscious, that just made it so much worse!

I can't remember the last time I received any kind of compliment that wasn't provoked; I'm not even the complimentary type but I still try to compliment him a couple of times a day.

It's also not like I haven't talked to him about it. I have. Many times. The only response I get is "you can't expect me to change." And yet he expects me to? I clean his place, help him out with college work, encourage him to go out with his mates, accommodate him in bed, let him play videogames pretty much all day, watch programs with him that I don't particularly like but I know he does, make sure I don't spend too much time on the computer so he has plenty of time on it, I try to keep myself looking good, I'm not jealous (at least, I don't let him know that I am, because I know it's irrational). I'm not a bad girlfriend. Not by a long shot. But he just doesn't listen to me. He does absolutely nothing unless he feels like it, and he doesn't care that it hurts me. I feel like an object that he uses when he pleases and then forgets exists the rest of the time. And I have told him this. Exactly this. More than once. He knows it bothers me, and he knows damn well how much it bothers me. And.. nada. Not an iota of compassion.

If you want to ask why I do all this stuff for him when he does nothing for me, the answer is I do it in the vain hope he'll cop on and reciprocate. Treat others the way you want to be treated et al. If I stop all of it, then he'll have even less reason to want me, you know? And, like.. it's a closure thing, I guess. I'd understand this treatment if he was getting something out of it, but he's not, not sex, not money, not anything. So what the hell? I want to know what the bloody point is!

Anyway, my self esteem is totally shot. And for some completely inexplicable reason I can't be arsed to leave him. I like him. I don't think he likes me. He won't say as much. Love is most certainly not in the picture for him. So, I need to bail. But I really don't want to. I just want to be validated or recognized in some way. Besides, we have fun when everything is clicking. We get on really well. And he's really not a bad guy, despite what I've said. He just.. doesn't have a clue how to be a boyfriend.

The kicker is.. it's a repeat of what happened before, but.. before, he always told me he didn't want to be in it after I told him I was having problems. He's not saying that now. He's not saying much of anything, but he's not saying he wants out. What the hell does that mean?

My head's wrecked.

LegacyUser

my heart really goes out to you, I couldn't read your post without feeling incredibly hurt on your behalf.

i know fairly well what you're going through. I had different problems with my ex, but the end feeling was the same...what the hell are you playing at - right? you say you don't want to leave him, but you need to - your post screams the opposite. you DO want to leave him, I can read it in your post that you've lost respect for him, for yourself for putting you in that position of laying out all ur cards and not having it reciprocated...the only thing you're clinging to is that last bit of dignity that says yes, I should I have all this effort validated and returned.

you say you don't want to leave him, but it's clear you do, what you want is for him/someone to recognise that you're a good girlfriend. Please, this guy is pushing you away cos he feels too guilty after trying to win you back to man up and admit he doesn't want you now. he's pushing and pushing and hoping you'll make the move. time to make it and bail, someone else will appreciate you, and it truely sounds like you are a good girlfriend, you're understanding, you're making teh effort, tonnes of it to try and keep this going - put that time and effort into yourself and get ready for the next relationship instead of him

StarryMoon0

YOU can't change him. He has to want to change.

First of all, you look after yourself. Don't let him "do" this to you. YOu are doing all the work for the both of you. I know its easy for me to say, but I've been living this type of scenario for 5 years, and am only "recovering" now.
Work on yourself, and your self exteem. Go out with your friends, heck, go out on your own.

If you put ALL your energy into trying to fix your reltionship, then you've nothing left for you. YOu'd be surprised how things can change once you start looking out for you. Things around you change. Not saying he'd notice and think "oh hey, she's great and I do love her." But when you feel better about yourself, you might find you don't care what he thinks.

The computer bits you mentioned rings some alarm bells, however, I don't want to superimpose my issues onto yours, but how much time does he sepend online or gaming? Have you noticed other changes in him? Such as withdrawal form things he used to like to do..or an apathy towards a lot fo things..or behavioral changes?

Chin up girl, its NOT YOU. Please look after yourself.

lillywhite1

It is pretty clear that you need to get rid of this guy for a number of reasons:

the relationship is going nowhere

he is ruining your self-esteem

he is able to drift along himself while you do everything for him


One big problem is that you obviously like this guy and may even feel some sort of repsonsibility for him and this is not helping you break the tie. I suppose you need to realise that it will be much better for him if he has to wake up and look after himself.

With regard to how to end it. Did he move in with you? Or you with him? I mean can you ask him to move out? Is this a part of the problem of how to end it?

Do you still hang with your friends at all or even stay in contact. Cause you need to have people who can give you some perspective. They will also help you with your self esteem.

You do seem to be a very good girlfriend who is being completely mis treated by this guy so you need to realise that he is the main problem and the only way to solve it is to gte rid of him.

yermandan

The two of you are clearly not compatible. Try making a list of the positive things in the relationship and this fact will become clear.

Its hard but you have to value yourself more than this.

What advice would you give to a friend if they came to you with this problem and question?

Best of luck

MsHolloway

Of course he's not a bad guy, op, theres obviously reasons why you wanted to be with him in the first place. But that doesn't mean you two of you are compatible - because from reading your post, it doesn't sound like you're compatible at all.

This is no one's fault, its just the way it happens sometimes.
Yes, you may feel he could make more of an effort to change, but nothing you do NOTHING YOU DO (repeated twice for emphasis) is going to make him change.

You have tried and tried and tried your heart out on this relationship, and what are you getting in return? You feel like shíte!

You deserve so much more then what he's giving you so please love yourself enough to leave and find someone who will put as much into a relationship as you do. There are so many men out there that could be much more compatible with you than this guy and you're missing out on meeting them because you're too busy flogging this dead relationship!