shallow or not? - how to let down gently?

showgirl

I want to know if i am being shallow or not and i also need advice!

I want to make something clear first - i am not a girl out to bag a really good looking guy - personality counts to me more than looks but i do believe that you have to be attracted to someone first before anything can be pursued! my idea of attraction can differ from another person! Now my issue - i have been texting and chatting to this guy online - he seems nice and the picture that he sent me was fine ( although i have since come to realise that it must have been taken at least 7years ago) because he sent me more pics in the past few days and to put it nicely i am not attracted to him! There is one stipulation that attracts me to guys and that is good teeth of which he doesnt seem to have! i am so not attracted to his pictures and im wandering what next course of action i should take! we are meant to be meeting up but how do i let him down without hurting his feelings! This guy has been texting me every day and is really full on - saying how he is falling in love with my smile and personality.

I dont like to think of myself as a shallow person but i seriously am not interested in him - i badly need some advice! i am scared of hurting his feelings but i dont want to meet up with him! what should i do? do you think i should go on the date with him or should i just leave it - make my excuse (although unsure of what i could say) - Please help me!

I am a nice girl really - but i dont want to be fake either!

G-Money

If you don't want to meet up with him, say so, but don't be brutally honest as to the reason. However if you decide not to meet up with him, I'd advise leaving him alone and let him move on with his life. That means no dropping him a text or email to "see how he is" or anything like that.

I guess you could just meet up with him for a quick drink, that way if you're still not interested, it's more "acceptable" to end it as there's always an element of uncertainty before people meet and quite often, the attraction isn't there.

Or you could just play the friends card and that will most likely make him lose interest. It would work with me anyway and I'm a guy.

Good luck OP.

showgirl

grandmaster wrote: »

However if you decide not to meet up with him, I'd advise leaving him alone and let him move on with his life. That means no dropping him a text or email to "see how he is" or anything like that.

oh God i would have no intention of doing that - im not into playing games with people - i do however need to say something to him - other than being brutally honest!! what way can i leave it! Also he is going to know that all this has happened since i saw the pictures so he will put 2&2 together and know that i didnt fancy him! how do i avoid that happening!

i actually think it would be too much for me to meet up with this guy! i really think it may be torture for me feeling how i feel now! im not that good at hiding my feeling - never could tell a lie! i probably wont be able to look at him! i did have to go on a date with a guy i didnt fancy before and it was the worst night of my life - i dont actually think i could face that again! Now i have been attracted to guys where my friends have been shocked asking me if i was off my rocker but i didnt care because to me they were attractive so i would def not consider myself shallow! i just dont want to hurt his feelings!

Miss Fluff

You can't force attraction. Just don't tell him the real reason why you no longer want to meet up with him as that would be a bit mean!

This has happened me before and I've told the person that I already had three dates with another guy from the site and that I didn't want to complicate things by going on a date when things were going well with another guy.

Or you could say you scored an ex at the weekend and want to see how it pans out.

Or you could tell him you feel he is a bit full on - the fact he is "falling in love with your smile...." (purleeeease) put you off a bit.

There are any number of non-insulting reasons you can use. Just be kind.

showgirl

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You can't force attraction. Just don't tell him the real reason why you no longer want to meet up with him as that would be a bit mean!

This has happened me before and I've told the person that I already had three dates with another guy from the site and that I didn't want to complicate things by going on a date when things were going well with another guy.

Or you could say you scored an ex at the weekend and want to see how it pans out.

Or you could tell him you feel he is a bit full on - the fact he is "falling in love with your smile...." (purleeeease) put you off a bit.

There are any number of non-insulting reasons you can use. Just be kind.

thanks Miss Fluff - i will be kind - have no intention of being mean - see i already told him that i am seeing another guy - now i did meet another guy since we started talking online but he never rang me back - i didnt tell him this! i told him that i am keeping my options opened. I just feel if i use an excuse that he is going to see it for what it is - a lie!

yeah he is a bit full on to be honest - if i told you some of the other things he has been texting me - im beginning to think that he may not be the full shilling but he does seem nice - you know those kind of guys that are so nice but a bit weird! Now i am only speculating as i have never actually met him so it is all perceptions here !

Why does this always happen to me - i feel like i am being punished for something bad i did!!! not fair - i have had my fair share of freaks coming onto me! im just afraid of this guy finding out more about me - he doesnt know my full name and if he did ever find it out he would be able to find out alot about me as i dont have a very common surname so that scares me also!!!

i wanna crawl in under a rock and not come out until someone tells me its all gone away!!

G-Money

showgirl wrote: »

oh God i would have no intention of doing that - im not into playing games with people

That's good to know.

You could just say you met someone else or you've decided to give things a go with that other guy from the site and leave it at that. He should get the hint then.

I was talking to a girl on a dating site the other day and she said she'd been chatting with some other guy. I got the impression she liked him even though she hasn't met him, so I just said fair enough and I legged it. He could very well do the same but it does sound like he's coming on too strong.

showgirl

grandmaster wrote: »

I was talking to a girl on a dating site the other day and she said she'd been chatting with some other guy. I got the impression she liked him even though she hasn't met him, so I just said fair enough and I legged it. He could very well do the same but it does sound like he's coming on too strong.

see i tried that already and i also told him that internet dating wasnt for me and that i was going to give this other guy a shot and then we left it for a few days and then he text out of no where! i wasnt going to reply but my friend said i should give him the benefit of the doubt! now we are back at square one again! he said he was also dating someone else too.

i suppose i could leave it a few days and just say that i had been out with the other guy and that i really liked him and that im going to go exclusive with him - does that sound okay?

coming on strong - talking about expecting a snog and i just said i wasnt going to snog anyone until i was ready!! ARGH im not able for those kind of words - they just scream desperate to me! Now im not saying that all guys on the internet are the same but every guy i have met have given me a very bad impression of what they are all looking for!!! One thing!!

lillywhite1

There is no point going through the torture of meeting up if you are not attracted to him. And, if I was the guy I would rather know now rather than have it dragged out any longer.

It is a bit odd though that he would send an old photo! I mean a year old or so would be ok but not much more.

And if he already knows that you had been seing someone else he can not be unprepared.

MrMojoRising

Just...say...no

Handsome Bob

Hi OP.

It's a tricky one. Personally I can sense a sympathy date from a mile off and really hate it because it's obvious the woman isn't interested. I think you need to be as honest as possible without being brutal. Just say you're not attracted to him. It will hurt him but at the end of the day at least you can say you were honest, which is more than most can say.

Denimgirl

Just don't meet up withhim say yoiur ex came back on the scene and you'se have a history together and he wants to give it another go. believe me guys don't mess around when they don't feel attracted to a girl they would'nt go on the date. if it was the other way around this guy just would'nt go he'd make a big exuse up so you do the same.

showgirl

LZ5by5 wrote: »

Hi OP.

It's a tricky one. Personally I can sense a sympathy date from a mile off and really hate it because it's obvious the woman isn't interested. I think you need to be as honest as possible without being brutal. Just say you're not attracted to him. It will hurt him but at the end of the day at least you can say you were honest, which is more than most can say.

you know the more i think about it the more i feel so betrayed! he sent me a picture of him younger than what he is now. I know its not about looks but the pic he sent there was something cute about him! now the pictures that were sent to me recently are of him older and you know i am not even sure they are the same person! that alone is annoying!

i dont know what to do! i feel like just saying sorry im not attracted to you and as you sent me a picture that was well dated i dont think you have treated me fairly and that is a betrayal in yourself!! - is that too much!!

Miss Fluff

I think you are over-reacting just a tad. "Betrayal" is a pretty heavy word to use tbh! Most people put up a more than flattering pic up on their dating profile, it's happened a lot with people I've been talking to. So you just ask for more pictures. If you feel there was that much of a difference between his profile picture and the pictures that followed then by all means say it to him but I wouldn't be getting overly upset or angry about it.

Bottle_of_Smoke

My advice is "break up" with him online.

You meet up with him once he'll increase the texting volume. What sort of lunatic says hes in love with you without meeting you... come on!

You'll feel guiltier and guiltier and be pretty much stuck with him in the background.

I really think online dating is a concept that was thought up based on american style dating. Over here if you go on a date its like a semi commitment. I've never gone on a date without at least kissing the girl, or one party didn't try to kiss the other. In America it means nothing to go on a date.

Relationships should not be formed online, not being in each other's prescence the people involved can invent a fantasy person based on a few conversations. We f*cking evolved over millions of years to develop feelings based on sub-conscious attractions which cannot be replicated online.

Bottle_of_Smoke

showgirl wrote: »

i dont know what to do! i feel like just saying sorry im not attracted to you and as you sent me a picture that was well dated i dont think you have treated me fairly and that is a betrayal in yourself!! - is that too much!!

You're under no obligation to do anything with this guy, you don't need to get defensive. Just say you're no longer interested.

katie99

You're putting yourself under far too much pressure. You don't owe this guy anything!
I would say up front online that you don't feel attracted to him and there really is no point in meeting him.

LegacyUser

I've been where you are OP. Particularly with the 'falling in love with your smile' texts (with me, they fell in love with my eyes lol). Your mistake here was to keep texting him once you realised you weren't attracted to him after you saw the second set of pictures.

Someone else already said it. You owe this guy nothing, but don't be brutally honest with him (I don't like your teeth, goodbye!). I'd use the excuse that you want to concentrate on the other guy because things are going well and you'd like to stop contact. If he continues to text, don't reply. He'll soon get the message.

I will say that guys like this are pretty common online. Seriously, he probably has either done this to a few other women already, or will start this same texting stuff with another woman next week. I've found the men I've met online (who do the constant texting), aren't 'all that' in real life. It's like they can live in their cyber world, but their real world is quite different. Myself, I prefer real life to interet/texting men these days. That was just my experience of it however, and I'm not saying ALL men you'd meet online are like this guy OP.
Best of luck though...let him down gently...

showgirl

katie99 wrote: »

You're putting yourself under far too much pressure. You don't owe this guy anything!
I would say up front online that you don't feel attracted to him and there really is no point in meeting him.

i did it - i text him to say that i didnt find him attractive! i had to - i had woken up to 3 text messages from him this morning! had to be done! anyway i said it in kind of a nice way to which he retaliated saying he was seeing someone else anyway and that i was bigger than he thought! I suppose this was his own way of getting back at me! To which i responded ( and this will be my last text to him ever) " i know what size i am and that some guys like it and some guys dont and im not going to float everyones boat and best of luck with the other gir you are seeing."

Thats it - lesson learned. I am staying away from the internet - i suppose i was more curious than anything because a friend of mine was at a wedding recently where the couple met on line so i thought if it happened for them it could happen for me! What a fool i was!!

Battleofsmoke i think you are right about the whole online dating!!

Thanks to all for opinions - really appreciate your input!

Darthhoob

dont meet him, really! i've made that mistake and it will just make things worse...especially if he likes you even more from meeting you! like the guy i met did it was messy.

you dont HAVE to meet him, and tbh NEVER EVER meet any bloke from online who declares love for you before even meeting you....in my experience (and thats been quite a bit before i met my OH...who i also met online). blokes who declare love before meeting you tend to be clingy and tbh can be quite controlling and dangerous. this guy may not be that way at all....but it does raise flags!

Darthhoob

showgirl wrote: »

i did it - i text him to say that i didnt find him attractive! i had to - i had woken up to 3 text messages from him this morning! had to be done! anyway i said it in kind of a nice way to which he retaliated saying he was seeing someone else anyway and that i was bigger than he thought! I suppose this was his own way of getting back at me! To which i responded ( and this will be my last text to him ever) " i know what size i am and that some guys like it and some guys dont and im not going to float everyones boat and best of luck with the other gir you are seeing."

Thats it - lesson learned. I am staying away from the internet - i suppose i was more curious than anything because a friend of mine was at a wedding recently where the couple met on line so i thought if it happened for them it could happen for me! What a fool i was!!

Battleofsmoke i think you are right about the whole online dating!!

Thanks to all for opinions - really appreciate your input!

sorry just read this lol, good for you...see how painless it was in the end...even if he did try to insult you back :rolleyes:

will have to say though, internet dating etc CAN work, but you have to be savvy about it. if a guy (or girl) acts all clingy and needy and saying "i love you" before you've met..you can guarantee they are, or have done and will again, be saying it to other women or men. they are DESPERATE...but tbh they tend to be easy to spot....least once you know how to spot them lol...i learnt the hard way i've dated a guy in RL who was like that too so it's not all cos of the net...it's just easier there cos for some, it's the only life they have.

gavney1

showgirl wrote: »

i did it - i text him to say that i didnt find him attractive! i had to - i had woken up to 3 text messages from him this morning! had to be done! anyway i said it in kind of a nice way to which he retaliated saying he was seeing someone else anyway and that i was bigger than he thought! I suppose this was his own way of getting back at me! To which i responded ( and this will be my last text to him ever) " i know what size i am and that some guys like it and some guys dont and im not going to float everyones boat and best of luck with the other gir you are seeing."

Thats it - lesson learned. I am staying away from the internet - i suppose i was more curious than anything because a friend of mine was at a wedding recently where the couple met on line so i thought if it happened for them it could happen for me! What a fool i was!!

Battleofsmoke i think you are right about the whole online dating!!

Thanks to all for opinions - really appreciate your input!

Well done for being straight-up with him - it would have been worse if you'd led him on anymore.

That takes some guts, and I wish more girls were like that. I hope you weren't too cruel when you said you aren't attracted though - what exactly did you say?

showgirl

gavney1 wrote: »

Well done for being straight-up with him - it would have been worse if you'd led him on anymore.

That takes some guts, and I wish more girls were like that. I hope you weren't too cruel when you said you aren't attracted though - what exactly did you say?

I hope by cruel you mean that I didnt come out and say - God you are so ugly and I would never touch you - no I didnt say that - Im not an oil painting myself and I would be hurt if someone said that to me!

If you are not attracted to someone then you are not attracted to them - I dont think you can make yourself be attracted to them! First impressions count for a lot! Im sure to lots of men I am not attractive and then to others I am! its whatever you are into! I just wasnt into him!

I dont think I was mean and I would never lead someone on and that is why i knew if i made up a story about seeing someone else that he would have known it was because I saw his pictures!

I just said "i'm sorry but im not really that attracted to you and please dont think bad of me but its just the way I feel and I hope you are not put out and dont take it the wrong way"

I had to be up front with him - anyway he is seeing someone else so I think he will be fine - God its a cruel world out there - I feel like I have just played my part in it! my friends think I did wrong but I suppose I did over react when I woke up to 3 messages and decided I was putting an end to this!!! Anyway I cant erase what is done now - I can only learn from it and that I will be meeting guys the conventional way or ill be a spinster all my life

Its not for me anyway this internet dating!

LegacyUser

Denimgirl wrote: »

Just don't meet up withhim say yoiur ex came back on the scene and you'se have a history together and he wants to give it another go.

Yep - that's what I do.

Say that you are going to a wedding at the weekend so can't meet up.

Then on Monday say that you hooked up with your ex at the wedding and you're giving it another shot.

Problem solved without hurting someone too much.

gavney1

showgirl wrote: »

I just said "i'm sorry but im not really that attracted to you and please dont think bad of me but its just the way I feel and I hope you are not put out and dont take it the wrong way"

no, that sounds fine. If a girl said that to me, I'd be a bit hurt but I'd appreciate her honesty. It's the girls who lead you on forever, because they're too "nice" that are the annoying ones!

lillywhite1

gavney1 wrote: »

no, that sounds fine. If a girl said that to me, I'd be a bit hurt but I'd appreciate her honesty. It's the girls who lead you on forever, because they're too "nice" that are the annoying ones!

Yeah, I agree with gavney1 I would not be in any way put out by that. It is very honest and leaves no room for reading between the lines.

Flarey

i badly need some advice! i am scared of hurting his feelings but i dont want to meet up with him! what should i do? do you think i should go on the date with him or should i just leave it - make my excuse (although unsure of what i could say) - Please help me!

What are you panicking for? You haven't even met this guy in the flesh yet. You don't find him physically attractive and besides his original picture was at least 7 years old which means he was deceiving you.
His constant text messages sound like a guy who is really insecure and will probably take it badly if you meet him and don't go to bed with him right away.

You owe him nothing. Stop commuicating with him and stop wasting time that could be better spent going out having fun and meeting people socially rather than on the internet.

showgirl

Flarey wrote: »

What are you panicking for? You haven't even met this guy in the flesh yet. You don't find him physically attractive and besides his original picture was at least 7 years old which means he was deceiving you.
His constant text messages sound like a guy who is really insecure and will probably take it badly if you meet him and don't go to bed with him right away.

You owe him nothing. Stop commuicating with him and stop wasting time that could be better spent going out having fun and meeting people socially rather than on the internet.

well said!! thank you! have totally stopped communication and believe me i will not be internet dating again lesson learned!!